‘Kettle-on time?’ Ellie managed a smile.
‘Yes, thanks, Ellie. Some tea would be lovely … Well, I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant,’ Lucy continued, ‘and it was like whoops! Well, okay then. I guess it’s go time.’ She paused, ‘But then things took a bit of a turn … Ah jeez, it was horrendous …’
Ellie popped two tea bags in a pot and stirred before closing the lid. She let Lucy gather her thoughts. It wasn’t going to be an easy tale to tell, she knew that well enough herself.
‘It felt like I had extreme food poisoning or something, like the worst period I’ve ever had.’
‘Yeah, my cramps got pretty bad too.’
‘Ah, I’m so sorry for you hun, I know how it’s such a sad time. I hadn’t even planned the baby, but me and Daniel we were right together, you know. And we got all excited … and then it was all taken away again.’
Ellie was nodding. A tear forming on her eye.
‘You feel kind of lost for a while,’ Lucy carried on. ‘I remember that so well.’
‘Yeah, definitely.’
They sat on the kitchen stools, the tea poured out now. Ellie served out a couple of slices of cake and some homemade shortbread biscuits.
‘I don’t know about you, Ellie, but the really hard part was not knowing why, and then thinking if we did ever try again – not that we are trying at the moment obviously, far too much on our plates as it is. But could it all happen again?’
‘Yes, I feel like that now. I wish I’d asked at the hospital when we could start trying again. But I’m scared now, too. I’ve looked online, some sites say with an early first miscarriage that you can just try again straight away, and I’m sure the doctor at the hospital said that too, but then I’ve also read that they suggest leaving it three months.’
‘Maybe, physically you could try straight away, but I think emotionally, you might need to give yourself the time to get your head around everything. Have time to grieve.’
‘That makes sense I suppose, yes. But I so want to try again. I don’t want to have to wait.’
‘No, I can understand that.’ Lucy placed a hand on Ellie’s shoulder.
‘Thanks for coming here, and for speaking so honestly. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one that’s gone through this.’
‘It’s really quite common. But, no one seems to speak about it much. We keep it guarded, like some secret sadness. But then, once people knew I’d had a miscarriage, they started to open up, to talk about it.’
‘I suppose it is hard to just launch in to, “Oh, I’ve just had a miscarriage,” if someone asks how you are, especially when it’s so early and no one actually knows you are pregnant … I’d been so excited just before, too, looking forward to telling my mum and dad, Joe’s mam … and then it was so awful that instead of the news I thought we’d be giving, what we then had to tell them was that we’d had a miscarriage. What kind of news is that? I can see how people don’t say much. If we hadn’t had to tell Henry when we’d dashed off to the hospital, I’m not sure I’d have wanted people to know either. It’s so personal. And you’re just trying to deal with it yourself at the time.’
‘Yes.’ Lucy got off her stool and went and gave Ellie a hug. ‘You’ll be okay, hun.’
‘I know. I am feeling a little better today.’
‘One day at a time.’
‘Yep … and hey, what about you and Daniel? My worries are small compared to what you guys are going through. How’s he getting on?’
‘He’s getting there, slowly. He’s had yet another op, and all the metal external metal rods are out. But he’s just frustrated that he still can’t walk yet. He just can’t take that pressure on his legs. He’s doing loads of physio, they’re trying to build up the strength, but it’s going to be a long job … It’s hard on him. To be honest, I think he’s frightened that he’ll never get that back. That he’ll always have to rely on a wheelchair.’
‘Aw, that’s so tough.’
There was a short silence, then Lucy helped herself to a shortbread. ‘This is delish.’
‘I’ll give you a couple of bags to take away home, if you like. I’m making up lots of Christmas goodie packs.’
‘Oh wow, yeah … gosh, Christmas.’ Lucy looked thoughtful. ‘To be truthful, I’ve hardly thought about that. I suppose it’ll be here before we know it. I usually love Christmas, one of my favourite times of the year. But this year … well …’
‘Hey, no wonder. You have had so much to deal with.’
‘Yeah, it’ll be a quiet one for us, whatever.’
‘I don’t think I’ll get away with a quiet one, I’ve just invited the family up. Actually, it was lovely here at Christmas last year, if a bit chaotic. Mum, Dad, Jay – that’s my brother, were here plus his girlfriend. Then Henry came across for his Christmas dinner with us too, all very traditional, turkey, the trimmings, the lot. Yeah, it’s always really noisy when my lot are up. They all chat at once.’
The two girls talked some more about everyday life. Lucy loved hearing about all the antics in the castle, and wanted the full rundown on the Christmas Fayre.
‘Lord Henry as Santa on a quad bike – that’s just a classic.’
And then it was time for Lucy to get going and head for home herself.
‘Thanks for coming out of your way, Lucy. It was really good to see you.’
‘Yeah, well I’d decided to call in anyhow … and then when I heard what you’ve been through, I was so glad I had come to see you.’
‘It’s been good, having someone to talk to. Someone who’s been through it themselves. I don’t want to keep going over it with Joe, really. We’re just trying to move on somehow. But today’s really helped … Thank you. And, onwards and upward for Daniel and his recovery. Send him our love. We want to see him up and dancing very soon at this wedding of yours.’
Lucy gave a brave smile, but both of them knew that was a long way off yet. The dancing and the wedding.
As she spoke, she hoped she hadn’t upset Lucy. She hadn’t meant it to sound thoughtless. ‘Sorry, Luce … I just meant that I’d love for that to happen soon.’
‘I know, me too.’
‘And, when the time is right, we’d so love to hold the wedding here as planned. To make it really special for you both. Anytime … you just say.’
‘I know, I’m holding on to that dream … But I think Dan just needs more time. He wants to be more like his old self before we can even think about wedding plans again.’
‘Yeah, I can understand that.’
‘What he really wants I’m sure, is to be able to walk down that aisle, like that’s his goal … But Ellie, what if he can’t? What if that just isn’t going to happen? I don’t mind. Well, only for him. I hate to see him so sad, so frustrated, but if he’ll have to use a wheelchair from now on, or even if he had no bloody legs, I’d still want to marry him. I’m just so thankful he got out of that accident alive.’ A tear rolled down Lucy’s cheek.
Ellie got off her stool. It was her turn to give Lucy a hug. There was such raw honesty between them today; their friendship blossoming into something so supportive.
‘Thanks … I’ll be all right in a mo.’ Lucy wiped a tear from her cheek. ‘Phew, I think I’ve been keeping all that to myself … What a pair we are, I was meant to be here cheering you up. Now, look at us.’
Yet, they were smiling through their tears.
25
‘Do you fancy heading off to the hills for a walk?’
Now the Christmas Fayre was over, and with the teashop now closed for the winter season, it was lovely that Joe and Ellie finally got some time together, especially after all they had just been through. Though Joe still had plenty to do on the estate all year, Henry could help keep an eye in things, and they could take a few days out, go for some walks, have some pub lunches, and just make the most of the local countryside.
‘There’s this great waterfall, set high in the hills at Linhope. I haven’t been there for ag
es,’ Joe added.
‘Okay, it looks like it’s going to be a lovely, clear day. That sounds nice.’
Time to don a pair of walking boots, pack up a rucksack with a few goodies, and take the car the twenty-minute drive to park up in the foothills of the Cheviots. Apparently, Joe told her on the way, he had found this place on his countryside treks when he’d first started working at Claverham Castle. He’d only been back there once since, but remembered it as a beautiful place, nestled high up on the hillside, in a hidden moorland valley. He wanted to share it with Ellie.
It was a crisp, clear November day. The sky an autumnal azure, with just the odd puff of white cloud. They parked up at the very end of a narrow road. From here there was just a farm track to follow. Their walking boots crunched over frosty ground. Little patches of ice having formed in the shallow puddles of the rough track. The hills rose ahead, their peaks of short moorland grass were scattered with woolly horned sheep. Fronds of bracken that were lush and green in the summer, now bent and tumbled into bronzed heaps at each side of Ellie and Joe’s path.
Off the farm track now, climbing the sides of the hills, following the sheep tracks and the odd wooden marker to show they were on the right trail.
‘Everything okay? You all right?’ Joe asked, turning his gaze to Ellie.
They were holding hands. Hers were in gloves, yet she could still feel his warmth.
‘Yes, I’m fine.’ She’d felt a bit tired climbing this steep rise to be fair, and it was no wonder after the hectic weekend she’d just had with the Craft Fayre. She was also aware that the impact of the miscarriage was still with her. She still felt like it had knocked the wind out of her sails.
Ellie felt that he was asking more than how she was handling this walk, but wasn’t sure where to begin. There had been so many emotions going on within her in the last couple of weeks, and she’d had to keep them cornered in order to keep going; keep herself focussed and get everything done she needed to in time for the Fayre.
‘We’ve been so busy, haven’t we,’ she followed up.
‘Yes, and I know it’s been a really tough time for you.’ He gave her hand a squeeze.
‘I’m okay.’ She batted off his sympathy.
‘Are you sure?’
She stayed quiet, concentrating on the uneven ground underfoot, taking care over the rocky outcrops, and the squish of peaty mud. ‘Uh-huh.’ She found she didn’t want to talk about it.
They rounded the side of the hill, and after another climb, found the valley they were looking for. Ancient hawthorn trees, now bare of leaves, sheltered by the riverside, rocks formed shallow rapids in the stream that tumbled away down the valley. They could hear the rush, the flow of the running water ahead, couldn’t yet see the fall itself.
They walked on along a narrow moorland trail, with patches of mud and clumps of marsh reeds to watch out for, they had to mind where they were stepping. And then ahead of them it was there, the waterfall of Linhope Spout cascading down the high moorland crag – a bold rush of white water, shafting down into a frothy pool. The water that flowed from the fall out into the stream below was dark, rich in minerals and mud, and as brown as Marmite. The waterfall was quite stunning. They stood and watched for several seconds.
‘Wow.’
‘It’s great, isn’t it?’
‘Worth the walk.’ She could imagine having a picnic up there in the summer months. They might have to come back. The summer … might she be pregnant again by then? She wanted that so much. She didn’t mention her hopes to Joe, just stood watching the wild flow of the fall.
Joe sat down on a large rock, and patted the space beside him. Ellie joined him; she could feel the cold damp of the stone through the cotton of her trousers.
‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it,’ Ellie commented.
‘Yeah. I bet you could swim in that pool at the bottom in the summer.’
‘Maybe, but I’d bet it’d be freezing even then. Might be deep too.’
‘Yeah, suppose so.’ Joe turned to look at her seriously. ‘Ellie, I’ve been thinking, I was wondering if maybe we should just leave it for a while … You know stop trying for a baby. Just to give you a bit of space …’
Whoa, had he been reading her thoughts from before?
She suddenly felt angry, like a flare sparked in her mind. ‘It’s not space I need, Joe.’ She frowned. ‘The doctor said it was fine to try straight away again, remember.’ No, it wasn’t space she yearned for. It was a child. Their child.
‘I know, but maybe you just need a bit of timeout. From all the emotions and everything. I can see how much it’s affecting you.’
‘Yes, I’m upset. Anyone would be. But I’m okay … What is it, Joe?’ She paused, feeling hurt, confused. ‘Do you not really want a child any more, then? Have you just been playing along all this time for my sake?’
‘No … of course not. But it doesn’t have to be right now, does it, not necessarily this year?’
She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. And from Joe? She thought he was in her side. She’d thought he’d wanted to be a dad as much as she had yearned to be a mother. But it didn’t seem like it now, did it?
‘Oh.’ How could she expect him to understand everything she’d been feeling inside in the past few weeks? He wasn’t a woman, he hadn’t carried that tiny child within him, had he? How could he possibly now ask her to wait?
‘You might be physically okay, Ellie, but maybe not emotionally, not yet.’
‘What are you saying, Joe? That I’m some kind of neurotic, now? I just want to be a mother, is that so bad?’
‘No, of course not. But, it’s what, eight or so months we’ve been trying now, and with the miscarriage and everything, I can see it’s getting you down. I don’t want you to get even more hurt. You’re just putting yourself under even more pressure. There’s still plenty to do at the castle, with the wedding events, and all the Christmas hampers and cakes to do now, it won’t be that long before the teashop will be reopening for the spring. Let’s get more established with all of that. We can try again next year, or something.’
‘You just don’t understand.’ Not trying would be so much harder for her than trying.
‘No … well maybe I don’t. But, someone needs to look out for you. I just don’t want you to keep getting hurt.’
Ellie jumped up off the stone; they hadn’t even had time to have the small picnic she’d brought for them. She marched back off along the track ahead of him. Her emotions felt so bloody raw, like he’d stirred up some maternal hornet’s nest. She couldn’t bring herself to talk to him just then, her frustrations were buzzing away so angrily inside her.
He followed her, of course. Tracing her footsteps, drawing parallel with her half way down the hill.
‘Ellie wait. I’m only trying to help.’
‘Well, it’s not helping. Okay.’
There were some stonily quiet moments on the walk back down to the car.
And she felt frustrated with herself, too. This was meant to be a lovely, relaxing walk in the countryside. Some time out together. They were in such a beautiful place. But tension now sparked like static between them. Agh, it was just so hard to even voice all those emotions going on inside her. So hard to try to get him to understand. What was meant to be a wonderful, exciting family time, a new happy stage in their lives together, was turning into a battleground.
26
Joe appeared in the teashop kitchens where Ellie was ‘feeding’ her lineup of Christmas cakes with brandy. A week had passed since the waterfall walk. Ellie had forced herself to focus on work, and get on with her Christmas Hamper orders. There was still tension hanging between them, and so much more to say, but Ellie really didn’t know where to start. Joe even seemed to be avoiding sex, unheard of for Joe. Perhaps, he just wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to rush into anything, and that was the only way he knew how. But that distance, and lack of physical contact, made Ellie feel even more lonely and confused.
‘Uh-huh. And?’
‘He wants to rebook the wedding.’
‘Aw, how lovely. That’s such great news. Lucy will be thrilled. He must be feeling a lot better then.’
‘Sounds like it, yes.’
‘The thing is …’ Joe paused. ‘He wants to have it on the day before Christmas Eve. Says Lucy loves Christmas, and it will make it all the more special.’
‘Whoa, okay … Well yes, that’ll be all right … Won’t it?’
‘Well, are you sure? It’s a hell of a lot to for you take on just before Christmas. You’ve asked your parents and family to come up then, too. Might it be too much for you?’
He was obviously thinking of the miscarriage again. But hey, she was getting there, physically she was okay now, and despite the friction of the past couple of weeks, this wedding would give her something positive to focus on. And, because of who it was, and what they had been through, she really wanted to do this. To make it the most wonderful Christmas wedding for Lucy and Dan – the kind of wedding they deserved.
‘No, honestly, I’ll be fine. We had all the original arrangements in place. I have all the notes and contacts. We can soon get up and running with it all. It’ll give me something else to think about,’ she said pointedly. ‘They deserve their special day so much. Let’s say yes, and make it fabulous for them.’
‘Right, great. Well, I’d better ring him back, then.’
‘Yes, yes, go. Don’t keep him in suspense.’
‘Oh, talking about suspense, don’t say a word to Lucy. She doesn’t know.’
‘Wow, honestly? When’s he intending to tell her? It’s only just over a month away, as it is. How will she know to get herself ready, and organize the bridesmaids, the dress and everything?’
‘He said he will tell her, but just two weeks before. He thought that’d be enough time to surprise her, but some time left so she doesn’t go ballistic with panic.’
The Cosy Christmas Teashop Page 17
