by Carina Adams
“I stahted stealing shit when I was five or six. Just food, at first, that the four of us would eat once our parents passed out. I was fast, and being as small as I was, I could get into a store and out before anyone even knew I was theah. Megs loved melon. She had a piece of watermelon at school one day, but our parents wouldn’t buy it. Katie liked anything that was fresh—veggies, fruit—as long as it didn’t come in a can, she loved it. Colin, well, he wanted peanut butter. I’d make a couplea runs a week, grabbing some bread and peanut butter, sometimes jelly, whatever veggies I could, and always a melon for Megs.” My heart ached for the little boy that had to steal food in order for his family to eat the most basic meals.
“Then I got a little boldah, and I started on the bigger shit. Jackets for us to wear, shoes for the babies, and this stupid teddy bear that Megs saw one day and swore she and Colin needed. I told my dad they came from school, but he was pissed because we’d taken charity. So, he threw everything out. When I stole more, he beat me worse than he evah had.
“Social services was a fuckin’ joke. They’d come talk to my sisters, brothah, and me at school, take pictures of aah bruises, but my parents would just move us to another shithole and we were forgotten. It was a nevah endin’ cycle. Until I was ten.” He set the beer on the table next to him and sat up, putting palms on his knees as if bracing himself for what he was about to say. “I had a new baby sistah, Elizabeth, the prettiest thing you’ve evah seen. Dahk curls, chubby cheeks, and her smile melted my haht.” He smiled at the memory, and I could see pure adoration light his face.
“My sistah Katie and I took turns feedin’ her and makin’ sure she was dry. Kate’s a year youngah than me, and we did what we could to help little ones. I worried from the time we left for school until the time we came home, not trustin’ my parents to be alone with my Lizzie girl. It was a warm spring day when we came home and found her all alone, sleepin’ peacefully. The fuckers had left her on the couch, under a pile of blankets, not even a chair propped up to keep her from rollin’ off.” Emotion made his voice crack, and he cleared his throat.
“I had Katie go pick her up while I grabbed her bottle. I didn’t know how long the deadbeats had been gone, so I knew she’d be hungry. I opened it up to rinse it out and gagged. I knew the smell well enough—dear old Da reeked of it all the time. Just then, Kate started screaming to me 'cause Lizzie wasn’t waking up. I ran to them, desperate for Lizzie to open her eyes, but she wouldn’t. I picked up Megs and Colin, and we ran straight to the nearest hospital.
“I saw the look in the nurse’s eyes when we ran through the door, full of pity and disbelief. I set the little ones down and handed the lady the bottle, begging her to save my Lizzie girl.” He stopped, clearing his throat again. I wiped at the tears I couldn’t stop streaming down my face. “We never went back home. Child services came not long after and took us. They found an uncle I didn’t know I had in Maine, and took me the up next day.”
“Lizzie? Was she ok? Did they save her?”
He looked away, lost in memories. “She survived, I know that. I think they pumped her stomach. They told my uncle later that she was adopted by a good family, one that would give her the best of everything, even if she had problems because of the alcohol.”
I was horrified. “You don’t know?”
“I can’t find her. Colin is now Colton, and he and Megs were adopted together. Great fuckin’ family. I see ‘em as much as I can. He’s an artist, lives in Florida with his wife. Works for fuckin’ Disney.” The smile on his face was full of pride, but his eyes were full of sadness. “Megs is a school teacher in New Hampshah, she just got engaged and asked me to walk her down the aisle next fall. Told her adopted dad that she needed me to do it, because I saved her.” His smile was deep enough to show his dimples, but his eyes started to glisten.
“Katie was sent to Maine, too, to another uncle. Turned out her abuse was worse than any of us knew." He paused biting his lip. "I nevah saw it, she nevah told me. If I had I had known..." His voice was low, just above a whisper, his eyes full of hate. Then he cleared his throat. "She’s a veterinarian. Never married, never had kids because she was afraid she'd repeat the cycle. So, she spends all her time with animals. But, we never found Lizzie.”
“I’m so sorry, Rob.” I didn’t know what else to say. He was barely keeping it together, and even though I knew how beneficial a good cry was, I didn’t know how to comfort him or how to make it ok. “You don’t have to tell me any more.” After everything he’d been through as a kid, a group like the Bastards, protecting kids and trying to help, made complete sense. I understood now and didn’t need him to keep going.
He didn’t act like he’d heard me. “My uncle Liam was a decent guy, but I was just too pissed off at the world to care. I missed my brothah, and I missed my girls. I wanted to be back with them more than anything, even if I had to go back to the hellhole my parents lived in. I wanted to rock Lizzie to sleep one more time, to scare the monsters away for Megs, to knock out the kid bullying Colin, to tell Katie I loved her. I worried about them all the time, not sure if they were hungry, cold, scared… not sure who was taking care of them.”
“You were just a kid, Rob. Those weren’t your responsibilities,” I interrupted, aching to help child he’d been.
“I know that now. But then? I was fuckin’ miserable. By the time I was a teenager, drugs were the only thing that numbed the pain, L.K. They made me forget how much I missed 'em, how I’d failed ‘em.” He bit his bottom lip, staring across the room, lost in memory. “I got in a ton of trouble from the day I moved in with Liam, but as I got older it got worse. He tried to help and, at first, he was able to cover for me, to make excuses to the world. By the time I was fourteen, no amount of money could help me, and I was sent to Longcreek. My uncle came to see me every visitor’s day. And, every visitor’s day I’d yell, tell him I hated him, that I didn’t want him theah. He’d still come back the next time.” Rob smiled at the memory. “He told me once that he was a bastahd, but that meant that he was passionate, that loved me more than I loved myself, and he wasn’t gonna stop ‘til he saved me.
“I got out aftah a few months and was headed right back to the old me when my uncle made me get in the car and took me to see Megs and Colton.” His voice broke. “I hadn’t seen ‘em since the social workah took me from the hospital. Megs was ten, Colton nine, and they were fuckin’ beautiful! So fuckin’ healthy. And so fuckin’ happy.” He smiled. “Their house was huge, with a backyahd and a tree fort, and they had their own rooms and more toys than fifty fuckin’ kids needed. They remembahd me and gave me the biggest fuckin’ hugs. It was the happiest day of my life.” His eyes watered, and I bit my lip to keep from interrupting, my own tears fighting for release. “That was it for me. I wanted them to know me, to be proud of me. I promised my uncle on the way home that I wouldn’t touch another fuckin’ drug. And, I nevah did.
“I met Allison that summer.” He paused, and I held my breath, not knowing who he was talking about, but sure it was going to be another devastating story. He turned his eyes back to me, and the sadness I could see broke my heart. “She was perfect—a straight A student, beautiful, funny, tons of friends, and I couldn’t believe she wanted a loser like me as much as I wanted her. My uncle tried to warn me, told me she came from a rough family, but all I cared about was her. I started writing to Katie, got to see Megs and Colton every month, and Ali filled the rest of my time. I was happy.” The way he said the words made my hair stand on end, and I knew something awful was coming. I shook my head. I didn’t want him to tell me more. I didn’t want to hear how this story would turn any more horrific. He didn’t stop, though.
“I’d seen bruises on her, but she always laughed ‘em off. We were so close that I knew she’d tell me if something was wrong, but she never did. We’d been together for almost a yeah when she came to me, crying. She was pregnant, almost four months. We were fifteen, both just kids ourselves, no idea how to be parents. We ta
lked about running away, but I couldn’t leave my family, not when I’d just gotten ‘em back. So, we talked to Liam and he told us we could live with him, that he’d help us. Ali’s dad had other plans, though, and decided since it was too late for her to have an abortion, he’d beat the baby out of her.” I gasped. “Turned out that she’d been his punching bag for yeahs. I never would have let her go home if I’d known.
“It didn’t work. Hannah was a fightah, even in the womb. Ali, though, wasn’t as strong as our dottah. Her dad got put away, and when she got released from the hospital, her family wouldn’t let her go home. It was a small town, and a fifteen-year-old pregnant girl was the not the kinda kid most parents wanted their dottah's around. Suddenly she was the shunned girl, not the shining stah. I watched as she drifted away from me, hoping after the baby came that Ali’d be ok. She wasn’t. I knew she was using as soon as she started. I was terrified for Hannah, pissed off that Ali’d do that shit aftah I told her about my childhood. The day I caught her dealer in my house, with my very pregnant girlfriend shooting up, I snapped. I fuckin’ came unspun. If my uncle hadn’t come home and stopped me, I’da killed him.
“I was sent back to the youth centah. This time, as a violent criminal. I missed Hannah bein’ born, missed her first cry, her first smile.” He swallowed hard as the memories became too much for him to bear. “I only got to hold her a handful of times, but I loved that little girl with every paht of my soul. Liam had her for a few yeahs, and would bring her when he came to visit. She reminded me so much of Lizzie, dahk curly hair and chubby cheeks. The most beautiful baby girl on the fuckin’ planet.
“I was determined to be a great dad, to be everything mine wasn’t. More like my uncle. I had this need to be someone my baby girl could be proud of, to right othah’s wrongs, and stand up for the kids that couldn’t stand up for themselves. There’s a lot of shitty stuff that happens in a correctional facility, L.K., even when you’ah in theah with kids as young as ten. Matty and I had become friends, and he always had my back, even when he thought I should mind my own fuckin’ business. But, everything good I was doin’ didn’t matter ‘cause I was still stuck inside. And when Ali came to take Hannah, after two yeahs of being a fuckin’ low life, my uncle had to give her back ‘cause she was the mom. She had the fuckin' nerve to come to Longcreek and gloat. Told me I'd ruined her life and that I'd nevah see Hannah again.
“I was in the middle of a fuckin’ science class when the guahds and my counsellah pulled me out, haulin’ me to the office. They brought Matty in, figurin’ it would soften the blow.” His voice broke again and tears rolled down his cheeks as he brought a fisted hand to his mouth. “There is nothin’ in this world that will help you when someone tells you that your dottah is dead, that her mother’s boyfriend killed her, and that both her mother and the boyfriend are missing. There is no pain that comes close to knowing you failed the people you love again, that you didn’t save her.”
I didn’t think, just pushed myself off the couch and flew at him, pulling him against me so hard that he didn’t have a chance to resist. Even sitting, he was almost as tall as I was standing, and I could feel the tears as they soaked through the shoulder of my shirt. I held my arms tight around him, letting him know that he wasn’t alone in this terrible memory. My own tears slid down my face and I bit my lip. Jesus, this evening had not gone as I planned it. I had no idea that this is where our conversation would take us. If I had, I would have stopped it before it started. I don’t know how long I stood there, but I waited until his body stopped shaking and his breathing had returned to normal before I eased my grip.
He cleared his throat, sitting back and pulling me down onto his lap. “You asked me if I evah killed anyone.” I felt him shrug before he wrapped an arm around me. “I meant to kill him, L.K., because he took her from me. I got off ‘cause I had a brilliant attorney, but I would do it again, even if it meant spending the rest of my life locked away.”
I nodded, understanding perfectly. I would do the same thing for my children, without a second thought. I turned my head, looking at him. “And Alison? What happened to her?
He met my gaze, face hardening in resolve. “She took the cowahds way out and ran. Just disappeared. I haven’t found her yet. For all I know, she could have died in an alley with a needle in her arm.”
The fierce look in his eyes was too much, and I had to look away. I leaned my head on his shoulder. “And the Bastards? You started the club, didn’t you? Right after that?”
“Matty and I started it together. I don’t know what he’s told you about his time locked up, or why he was theah, but when we got out, I needed to come home. I needed to channel my energy into something else. Mateo’s my best friend, so he came, too. We fell in with a rough club and were prospects. It wasn’t enough for me, though. The Prez was the one who told me to start the Bastards. He lent me some money and gave me a list of contacts. We had friends that wanted in, and they had friends. It didn’t take long before we were an official club.
“MC’s are fuckin’ risky, L.K. Starting a new one and getting the AMA,” he paused, seeing the confusion on my face, “sorry - the American Motorcycle Association - to sanction you as a real club isn’t easy. We wanted to be above board—completely legal, so everyone would take us seriously. But, to them, we were just a bunch of criminal kids. The cops called us a gang, othah clubs ignored us or picked fights whenevah they could, and the AMA wouldn’t even acknowledge our existence. One day Mateo and I were talking about what the Bastahds were and what we wanted them to become. The answer was simple—we protect the innocent, ahh passionate about what we do, and we’re not gonna stop ‘til we save ‘em all.” I realized suddenly that had been his uncle’s definition of a bastard, and just like that, it all made sense.
“To do that, though, we have to step outside the boundaries of the law. We can’t hold people accountable or save the people we want to save if we don’t. We spend ninety-five percent of our time inside the gray area. We may not sell drugs or do illegal shit to make money, but we’re still not welcome by the AMA because we’re not law-abiding citizens. We decided that they could all go fuck themselves and then we happily accepted our roles as outlaws. We wear those patches with pride." I thought about the 1% diamond that each of them had on their cut. I’d googled it last summer when I’d seen the patch on their jackets. It meant the Bastards were different from the other ninty-nine percent of bikers who were law abiding citizens.
“Look at me." I lifted my face to his, and he gave me a small smile. "I told you once, L.K., people are afraid of us for a fuckin’ reason. Like you said last summer, the general consensus is that we’re vigilantes. Some see us as heros, othahs think we ahh sadistic fucks. We all have our own demons, stories that ahh worse than mine, and we’ll do anything to keep kids from going through the same shit we did. We try to protect the ones that have no one else to protect them. And, we protect the ones we love at all costs,” his eyes bore into mine, as if driving the next words home, “including keeping them in the dahk because ahh secrets will hurt 'em.” He moved his head slightly, kissing the top of my head. "You'ah ahh family now."
I didn’t know what to say. This was a group of broken men, all tough and scary and freakishly weird in their own way, who were the most amazing people I’d ever met. I wanted to support them in any way I could because I knew they were helping more people than they were hurting. And even though I didn't want to, I could understand Matty’s insistence to shut me out. Whatever secrets he was still keeping weren’t important anymore. Whatever it was that he’d done that he thought was so horrible, didn’t matter to me.
Chapter 15
Jo
I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wasn’t sure what time it was, but I could tell it was definitely late morning because of the amount of sunshine invading Matty’s room. I needed caffeine, to pee, and to get dressed before Cris showed up, not necessarily in that order. I couldn’t find the energy to move though.
I’d stayed up with Rocker well into the night. We’d talked about my kids, school, my future plans, and anything else I could think of to keep his mind off what he’d told me. He’d been so deflated, nothing like the man I’d come to know, and I wanted to distract him for as long as possible. He’d finally given in though, telling me he had early appointments today, and he'd hugged me and kissed my hair the way Matty did before he headed down to his room.
I’d sat up for a long while after he’d left, trying to process everything I’d learned, before I gave up and headed to bed. I might as well have stayed up. I’d only tossed and turned, begging sleep to come for what seemed like hours. I’d gotten up and taken a steaming hot shower at one point, hoping it would quiet my mind and relax my body into slumber. It hadn’t.
I stretched, my muscles screaming in agony as they protested any movement. My phone rang, and I grabbed it begrudgingly, not even looking at the screen. Only Cris would be calling me at this time of day. Thursdays were my day off from school and no one else would wake me up. She probably wanted to know why I wasn’t ready. “I’m still sleeping,” I growled as a greeting, breaking into a yawn.
“Morning,” the low, sexy voice drawled, full of amusement, and I could almost hear the smile on his lips. “Sleep well, Sunshine?”
“Not really.” I stifled another yawn. “I sleep better when you’re here with me.”
“God,” Matty groaned. “I’d do anything to be there with you right now.” He paused for a second. “Guarantee you wouldn’t be so grumpy.” I smiled, chuckling at the sexual innuendo. He sighed. “I didn’t mean to wake you up, Joes. I’m driving to a visit and thought we could talk for a while.” I sat up, instantly awake. We used to do that all the time. Whenever one of us was on the road, we’d call the other. “We can talk later if you want to go back to sleep.”
