by Lina Langley
He was right. We did agree on that. Despite that fact, I still felt nervous.
“I’m sorry. I’m just a bit scared, that’s all,” I told him.
“I get that. I mean, you don’t have to worry about me,” he said with reassurance.
That’s what I was worried about. I didn’t want him to run off, but instead, I wanted him to embrace my feelings. I sat down on the couch, my body growing a bit anxious with each moment. I stared at him, and I felt the tension grow.
“Come on Devin, you can tell me,” he said.
I hesitated, unsure of what to reply with.
“I’m sorry, it’s just… this is something I’ve wanted to tell you for a while,” I told him. “Weeks now.”
“I’m listening,” he said.
I looked around, trying my best to find the words that I wanted to say. But it was a struggle.
I took a deep breath before I spoke. When I did, our fingers were threaded together. He was holding my hand, looking at me with some concern. “The truth is, Caleb,” I started, my voice trembling. “I’ve got feelings for you. I don’t know how to say this without sounding like a nerd but there is something about you that makes me want to go all the way, to be the one that you take care of. I…I love you,” I told him.
I was looking down at my lap. I had never said those words to anyone before. I waited for him to say something. He didn’t need to say that he loved me too, but I wanted him to say something. Anything. I looked up at him to find that Caleb looked a bit surprised himself.
“You’re serious?” he asked.
“Yeah. I’m serious,” I told him.
“Fuck.”
I looked at him, trying to understand what that meant.
“Did I do something wrong?” I asked.
“No. It’s not you,” he said. “I’m… thank you.”
“Thank you?” I echoed. I didn’t know how I felt. Part of me was raging, part of me was sad, but mostly I was mortified. This hadn’t been what I had been expecting at all. I had been expecting him to jump at the chance to have sex with me.
“It’s not you,” he said. “It’s me. Listen Devin, I’m going to need some time. I’m...I’m sorry.”
I stared at him, mouth agape. I was trying to comprehend what he was saying to me. “What do you mean?”
“It’s not you. It’s just…I’ve got some shit to think about. I’ve never been told that before, and I don’t know how to feel,” he said quietly. I could see the distraught look on his face, the way his eyes had widened at my words. I felt bad for even mentioning this. But then, he stepped forward and continued to avoid looking at me. “Listen I uh…I need to go. I’ve got something to think about.”
“You mean this?”
“I don’t not mean this,” he replied.
“Really? You can just talk to me,” I said. “I didn’t expect you to automatically say it back. I just thought… I don’t know, I thought we could have a conversation this. Just like you told me we could.”
“No. I can’t. I… really need to go.”
I wanted him to explain himself, to tell me what the hell was going on. I felt like he was hiding his true feelings from me. I didn’t need to know exactly what he was feeling all the time—not even most of the time—but when I had just been so vulnerable with him, it would have been at least polite for him to share how he felt. “You’re always like this you know! You can tell me anything,” I said. If he didn’t have feelings for me, I needed to know that too. “It’s not like last time, you know.”
“You’re right,” he said. “It’s not like last time. So don’t call me, okay? Don’t text me. Don’t try to get in touch.”
I couldn’t believe this. I wanted him to explain it all to me. At the very least, I was sure I deserved an explanation. Was it over? Was it over before it even started? I had prepared all of this for nothing. I had prepared myself for nothing.
I didn’t have to put him in the position I did, I supposed, but fuck… the sudden realization that it might have been me who fucked it all up this time around, because of my feelings, because of putting that much pressure on him, started to wash through me, and it made me feel worse about what I said than I had before. I didn’t know if he would come back, but I couldn’t help but hope that he would.
CHAPTER FIVE
I hadn’t heard from him in a while. What was Caleb up to? Did he really get scared off by my offer? Was it wrong to admit those feelings? Maybe I had moved too fast, or maybe I had said the wrong thing at the wrong time. It wasn’t easy, that was for sure. He seemed to be on the same page as me until I told him, but as soon as I did…he ended up leaving.
I thought about waiting for him, to see if there was any way for me to bring this up in a fitting manner. But there wasn’t. He would ignore me every time I tried talking to him, leaving me either on read, or just going straight to voicemail.
“Shit,” I said to myself when he sent me to voicemail for the twentieth time.
I fucked this one up, I thought bitterly to myself. I tried to get over it, but a month later I was still thinking about him a lot. Every time I would go out, I would look around to see if that guy was there. If he was with anyone else, I was going to be pissed. I didn’t want to feel so insecure, but that was how he made me feel. The fact that he just ditched me like that hurt.
I went about my business, but even people at work noticed. I hated that I was so bad about telling others this type of stuff, but…it was hard. It was the first time I had ever felt so empty after being denied. In the past, when a guy said he wasn’t interested, I’d be a bit upset, but that was as far as it would get. But, when I thought about Caleb, and the fact that we might actually be over this time around, I felt really bad.
After a bit of time, I began to try to ignore the feelings, strengthening my own resolve, and working toward a better life and future. I didn’t want to have to worry about anything, and I didn’t want to worry about love, especially if it ended up being unrequited. So why did I feel so shitty?
No matter what I tried to do, it felt like a cloud hung over my body, one that I wasn’t going to be able to get rid of. After a bit, I realized that cloud was because of him, or the lack thereof.
I tried to tell myself that I tried. I guess the trying wasn’t nearly enough. I had dropped the ball. I could have taken it slow, just like he wanted.
One night, I ended up working really late. It was about two months since the breakup, and I hadn’t heard shit. It was a late night at the office, and when I got out, I was the only one left.
“Well, guess everyone is already home,” I said to myself.
I looked at the watch on my wrist as I made my way outside of the building. It was already eleven or so. I hopped in my car to start it, only to find out that it wasn’t turning on.
“Fuck,” I said to myself. I tried and tried again, turning the key in the ignition, but it was no use. I supposed my only option was to try and find a gas station, as everywhere around me was closed and I didn’t think I would be finding any assistance anywhere. I got out, locking the door, and turning my phone on. The closest gas station was about a half mile away, so I told myself I would go there. It was late and the streets were empty, so I was a little nervous about my walk, but everything was fine. Everything would be fine, I told myself. It was until about halfway through.
I felt a presence behind me. It was lingering, and before I knew it, I whipped my head around, and soon, I was slammed against the tree nearby. There wasn’t anyone around, and whoever this mysterious force was, they meant business.
“Give me your money,” the person said.
I tried to get a good look at who it was, but the face was obscured. Shit, for a second, I thought I was going to die out there. I struggled, but then, I was pushed hard against the wall by the man in front of me. It made me dizzy. I opened my eyes and I saw something silver right against the edge of my neck.
A knife. I tensed, seeing the shiny material there. I didn’t
want to die, and I knew the only way out of this was for a miracle to fucking happen. But there wasn’t anyone around, not a goddamn soul, and I could feel the guy pushing me harder, or at least I assumed was a guy. He was overpowering in terms of strength. “Give me your fucking money, and nobody is getting hurt.”
I’d never been mugged before. The only option was to give in. I needed to get home, and the only way to do so was with cash. I started to fumble for my wallet, but I didn’t know if I would manage to get it out on time. My hand was against the faux-leather of my wallet. I was about to pull it out. As I did so, I felt the knife draw dangerously close to my throat.
“Give it to me now, or I’ll slit your fucking throat,” the person said.
I wanted to nod, but I couldn’t do that with a knife pressed against my throat. I was about to as I was told when I heard the sound of a groan, followed by a thud. The knife was soon gone, and when I whipped my head around, I immediately felt shock.
It was Caleb. His hands were at the mugger’s throat, choking him. He delivered a couple of punches to the assailant, knocking him out.
“What the fuck,” I said to myself, too stunned and afraid to really do or say much of anything. When he was done, he turned to me, and for a moment, we just stared at one another.
“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” he teased. He didn’t seem upset, so I tried my best to relax. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Now that a knife is not pressed against my throat, things are looking up,” I said, swallowing. “Why are you here?”
“To save you, duh.”
“I’m not in the—”
“Well, I wanted to talk to you,” he said. “I was waiting for you in the parking lot, and then your car was being weird, so I decided to follow you—”
“Totally normal—”
“And that’s when you got mugged, so you’re welcome,” he said. I wanted to come back with a snappy reply, but I didn’t have it in me. “Let’s call the cops first, and if you need anything else, I can try to provide.”
“Fine. Let’s call the cops. My car is out of commission,” I said.
He nodded. “What’s going on?”
“Don’t really know,” I replied. “You’re a mechanic! You could have taken a look at it in the garage.”
“Yeah, that wouldn’t have freaked you out at all,” he said.
“And this wasn’t going to?” I said, mouth agape. “You were following me, in the dark, like a stalker. When you could have helped.”
“I am,” he said. “I will. I just wanted to talk to your first. Let me take a look after we give this guy over to the authorities.”
I agreed to that, but I also felt a shiver ghost down my spine. He said that he wanted to talk to me, but what about? And why couldn’t he have done it over the phone, where I had tried so hard to reach him? I could ask him those questions later, I supposed.
We clearly needed to have a conversation.
CHAPTER SIX
It took about thirty minutes, but after that, the guy was arrested. I had to give my statement. The cops didn’t arrest Caleb. After my statement, they realized it was self-defense, which was the truth. As I retold the story, I realized that if he didn’t save me, I don’t know what would’ve happened.
After that though, an awkward silence filled the air. I motioned to my car. We both stared at my car. “So,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “How long were you following me?”
He smiled. “Not long,” he said. “Only enough to save you from muggers.”
“You would have saved me earlier if you’d fixed my car,” I replied.
“Maybe, but I would have freaked you out,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t know. I’m sorry, I just got a little freaked out.”
“Right,” I replied. “I can see that.”
“So your car?”
“It’s right there. I was about to leave the parking lot when I couldn’t turn the ignition,” I said.
“I see. And you were going to call for help?”
“I didn’t think it was necessary,” I replied. “I was going to get some gas and then I would have stopped for help.”
He didn’t say anything.
“I’m glad that you stopped on by,” I said quietly.
“Don’t mention it,” he said. “And definitely don’t mention the fact that you tried to use gas to jumpstart your car.”
I smiled. “Hey, I was going to ask the gas station attendant.”
“Of course you were,” he said. “Anyway, let me take a look at your car,” he replied.
I followed him back to the car, and as he slipped opened the hood, checking everything, he clicked his tongue.
“I see,” he said. “Well, you just needed to be jump started. You might have needed gas too, which I’m pretty sure wouldn’t have helped. And your tire pressure is super low, so I would definitely suggest getting that checked out.”
I didn’t say anything. I just stared at him.
“I also am down to give you some tune-ups too, if you want,” he offered. “Tell you what, take it to my place and I’ll make sure everything is as good as new.”
“Sure. How much do I owe you?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
I looked at him as if he had three heads. “Of course I’m going to pay you.”
“For looking under your hood? Please don’t,” he replied. “That’s kind of an insult.”
I nodded. “What about everything else?”
“What do you mean?”
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You know,” he said. “Everything else that we need to talk about.”
I could instantly feel myself getting angry. “There’s nothing else to talk about.”
“Is that what you really think?”
I glared at him. He raised his eyebrows and flashed me a little smile.
“Listen,” he said. “I want to talk about it alone though. Not out here either. Let’s go to your place?”
I nodded, agreeing to what he wanted to do despite myself. We drove to his shop, and after I dropped it off, I slipped into the passenger seat of his car. Caleb fiddled a little with the radio dial, which was charming and weird in equal measures. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say.
I leaned back onto the passenger seat and took a deep breath. It was only when my eyes were closed and I felt a little sick to my stomach that Caleb spoke.
“I think you and I need to have a little chat,” he said.
I opened my eyes. “I thought we were in your car so we could avoid each other, instead.”
He laughed quietly. “Sorry,” he said. “I’m putting it off because, I don’t know, I guess I’m a little scared. I first want to apologize for how I acted. I’ve, uh, never been told that before.”
I shook my head. “It’s my fault. I totally came on too strongly.”
“Nah,” he said. “You’re fine. I was being a fucking idiot.”
I didn’t want to argue about this, so I waited until we were back at my place. I stepped out, unlocking the door and waiting for Caleb. Once he was next to me, I walked inside and got us a couple of drinks. I put them on the coffee table. Caleb sat down on the couch and motioned for me to sit right next to him.
“I do mean it,” he said when I sat down. “You might think differently, but I promise you I mean what I say.”
“What, about feeling sorry and apologizing? I accept it.”
“You’re sweet,” he said. “And I appreciate it. But I want you to understand why I freaked, because I think it might make a difference. I want—fuck, Devin, I want you. I want you a lot.”
I looked at him, wondering where that had come from. He was the one who had left. He was the one who had freaked out when I had told him I was having feelings for him again. I didn’t know what I was supposed to take from what he was saying. He leaned forward and sighed.
“Devin,” he said quietly. “I want to do this. I want to
do all this with you. I want to try again.”
“You were trying again.”
“I know,” Caleb replied, not looking at me. “And everything was going well until you said those words. Do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Well, there are a couple of things,” he said. “The first one is because I’ve never heard anyone say anything like that to me. It was scary. I didn’t, I don’t know, I guess I didn’t feel like I deserved it.”
“Why?”
“Because of everything that happened between us when we were in school,” he said. “And the weirdest part was how I felt the moment you said it. Everything was really intense and bright, like all the colors around me were drowning me. And suddenly I realized why I was so scared, it’s because I wanted to be around you all the time. It’s because… I was scared. I was scared you were going to push me away when you realized you deserved better.”
I was trying very hard not to smile. I didn’t want to laugh at his insecurities, but I’d never seen him like this. I had never expected him to be vulnerable with me. I knew that I should probably resist temptation, but I couldn’t do it. I grabbed his hand and smiled at him. His skin was soft and warm against my own. He flashed me a wide smile. I couldn’t smile back at him because I was so taken aback, but I was staring at him until he cocked his head. “What is it?”
I cleared my throat. “Nothing,” I said. “Do you mean this? For real?”
“Yeah,” he said, leaning in slightly close to my face. “For fucking real. I don’t like the idea of falling in love because it scares me. But I’m kind of okay with it if it’s you. If you’re okay with it.”
I was surprised. I also felt a little light-headed. I set my gaze on his. “So, just to clarify, you’re saying that you love me?”
He paused. I thought he was trying his hardest to figure out how to approach this. When he finally spoke, he stared at me directly, his gaze unwavering. “Yes, Devin. I think I love you,” he replied.
I felt like my heart skipped a beat the moment that he said that. Maybe love was exactly what we needed to make our second chance work.
