by Tracey Ward
“How exactly am I getting out?”
“Tim will explain all that in the morning. He’s got an idea of how to slip you through the fences.”
“Tim from the field crew? He’s in on this?”
“We’re all in on this.” Lexy says seriously. “Every last one of us.”
* * *
As it turns out, that’s not strictly true. Aside from the meager leadership there are still a few people in this Pod that are too scared of the Colony’s rule to stand up against it. Hopefully when it all goes down they jump on board anyway. At that point, what have they got to lose? But until then some stealth is still required and even Lexy isn’t 100% sure who is a total ally and who isn’t. Aside from herself, Tim, a few of his friends in the fields, all of the women in the laundry, half the sewing room, all of the kitchen and the better part of the greenhouse and gardens crew, people’s alliances are unknown. That means every last guard is a question mark and most likely loyal to the Colony, albeit grudgingly.
Ask me how much I like those odds.
But the ball is rolling and after dinner Lexy took off to tell Tim and the others heading this things that Vin is on board. I wonder if she’s going to tell them how shady it all is, that we don’t know for sure if The Hive will bite. That we don’t know if Vin will ever come back.
“You look worried, Kitten.” Vin tells me from across the table.
Nats has gone to work while Vin and I are skipping out on after dinner family fun time in the common room. There are a few other people here in the cafeteria with us sitting around tables alone or in small groups, chatting quietly.
“Shouldn’t I be?” I ask dryly.
“You worried about me? That I’m gonna get hurt?”
“No.” I chuckle.
“You worried about your boy?”
I frown at him. “What?”
“Are you worried he’s one of the newbies she told you about?”
Yes. I am worried Ryan is here. I’m worried he’s here and I’m hoping he’s here and the contradiction is ridiculous and torturous.
“No.”
“You’re a terrible liar.”
“You’re a terrible person.”
He grins. “You don’t mean that.”
“Are you really going to do it?” I ask him, staring him straight in the eye. “Will you really go to Marlow and try and sell this to him? Or will you go home and forget about us?”
His grin fades. He spins the ring on his finger and I wonder what he’s considering. Lying to me? Telling me the cold, hard truth? Or is he actually wondering what he’ll do? Part of me wonders if he, as cocky and sure as he is, even knows what will come of this night.
“We’ll have to wait and see, won’t we?” he finally replies, his voice deep and low.
I should be annoyed with him. Even to me, the loner of loners, it’s a no brainer. If the Colonies can be stopped, we have to try. It’ll mean one less worry in the wild. One less predator to be afraid of every second of every day. It could even mean the trading of Colony goods, something that would benefit every last one of us outside these walls. But I’m not annoyed because I understand. I get the mentality of every man for himself and this help your fellow man for the greater good business is a notion that died out a decade ago. It was spilled with blood and lost to the ground in the first bite of the first zombie to rise up from the dead and usher in the dawn of the Hell of Earth that we walk in today.
Welcome to the new age.
This is the world we live in now and it’s been working relatively well for everyone so far. We’re all still alive, aren’t we?
Honestly, are we?
I don’t know anymore. I think of the last message I wrote to Ryan telling him I was waking up. I still believe it, even here and now in this place where everyone seems to be sheep falling asleep, following commands. No part of me wants to fall in line, not even with Vin when it’s for the greater good. I don’t know if that makes me a loner, a rebel or a free thinker who refuses to go down without a fight. Maybe I’m none of them or maybe I’m all of them, but what I know for certain is that I need to leave this place to find out. I want another shot at living my life outside with choices to be made and risks to be taken. I want to laugh out loud with no one else around. I want to walk through the streets and not be so afraid of who sees me. And I want to write on the wall with no filter or restraint.
“I have to go.” I say suddenly, heading for the door.
“Not even going to kiss me goodbye?!” Vin calls after me.
I run through the halls and burst outside, the cold air slapping me hard in the face. It invades my lungs, pinching them and making it painful to breathe. I don’t envy Vin this. Going out into this cold tomorrow. Trying to make it across the city is going to suck for him. Lexy told us it’s about a mile and a half from here to aquarium but it’s going to be dark, possibly raining and so very cold. We didn’t even discuss the massive swarm of Risen roaming just outside the walls. Luckily Vin thinks he’s invincible.
“You’re not supposed to be out here.” I hear a voice say to me from across the grass.
I raise my hand, waving to them faintly. “Sorry, I just… I needed some air. I won’t leave this spot okay? Just five minutes?”
The guard hesitates and I wish I knew some of them. I wish I’d made more friends and had more pull. Don’t tell Vin.
Finally he nods silently and goes on about his patrol but I know he won’t go very far. That’s okay. This won’t take long.
I look around the ground furtively, cursing the sparseness of this area but this is as far out as I can get. Whatever I find in here is going to have to suit me. What I could do is go inside and forget the whole thing. It’s not like it matters. It’s not like he’ll ever see it. It’s not like he’s here.
My heart pangs at the idea of him locked inside these walls and I want to write this message more than ever if only to prove to myself that it will go unnoticed. That he’s not here. Finally I spot a small stone that looks like it will do. I snatch it up in my trembling, cold fingers. Then I write. I write with simple honesty something I would never have had the nerve to write on the outside but wish desperately that I had. It’s nothing huge. Nothing profound. But it’s heartfelt and real and I imagine as I write it on this wall in this prison that the words are appearing on our wall on the outside. That this message will reach him no matter where he is. That he’ll think of me and that sliver of my soul that I left with him to travel wherever he goes will light up like the sun and run with him again. He’ll carry me far away from here, outside these walls, beyond these waters and I’ll be home again. Just four words to fly me away forever.
I miss your kiss.
Chapter Sixteen
That night I don’t think any of us sleep. I see Lexy before going to bed and when I ask her if she’s gotten the names of the new gang members in the Pod she shakes her head sadly. Tim has never seen them either, only heard of them. She tells me they’re from a gang called The Elevens, some reference to the Eleventh Hour, but I’ve never heard of it. I never got the name of Ryan’s gang anyway. I’m more convinced with each passing second that he is one of them and the writing I left on the wall is burning in my mind like a brand. I’m dying to walk past it but terrified as well. What if there’s a response?
I decide to lie down and toss and turn in my bed instead.
At least that’s the plan, until a hand clasps over my mouth. Second time since I’ve been here and I still don’t like it. When my eyes pop open I come face to face with Vin, his handsome features shrouded in darkness giving him a sinister quality.
But I know it’s him. I’m know I’m safe.
So why do I backhand him across the face? Because he knows better, that’s why.
He doesn’t cry out as Lexy did when I hit him or even as Ryan did when I punched him for messing up my night. He simply looks away for a moment, takes a calming breath and looks back at me with hard eyes.
“You think I de
served that?” he asks tightly.
“If not for startling me awake then I’m sure somewhere at some point in your life you earned that.” I whisper angrily.
“Fair enough. Come on.”
“Where?”
“Outside.” He stands, offering me his hand. “We have to talk.”
I ignore his hand but I follow him out of the dark room, leaving the soft sounds of even breathing and light snoring behind us. He leads me silently through the hallways and out the door, the same door I burst out of earlier tonight. It’s even colder now. I can see my breath coming in small puffs of white in front of me. There’s no one patrolling nearby and I imagine we have a small window of opportunity to talk and freeze before the next guard comes by.
“Merry Christmas.” he says quietly, pulling something from his back pocket.
I frown in confusion then smile in delight when I see what it is. It’s a shiny, sharp trowel with a holly green handle. It’s stolen from the gardens for sure. It is the single greatest gift I’ve ever received.
“It’s so pretty.” I whisper happily, turning it over to test its edge.
“I promised you something shiny.”
“And you delivered.” I press my finger against the tip then pull it back quickly. “It’s sharp.”
“Why else have it, right? Keep it with you when you can. If something goes down while I’m gone I want to know you have it.”
I nod my head as I slip it into my back pocket. The handle sticks up but the point is hidden.
When I look up at Vin my heart skips. His eyes are sharp, intense.
“Come with me.” he commands quietly.
“No.” I reply immediately.
I was waiting for this. From the moment he woke me up, the second I saw his eyes, I knew. And just as quickly as I recognized it, I knew what my answer would be.
He shakes his head in disbelief. “You know I’m not coming back here. Not for you, not for anyone.”
“Maybe not, but if I go with you then you definitely won’t.”
“It’s not going to work, Joss.” he tells me seriously. “The Hive won’t bite. They don’t want to rock the boat with the Colonies and the pot isn’t sweet enough to convince them to try. They’ll pass and everyone here is going to either stay here forever or die in a revolt.”
“Nats included.” I remind him coolly.
“She’s a big girl. She knows how it really is. She can yell at me all she wants, but she knows just as well as I do that no one will come here to help.”
“Especially if you don’t ask.”
“What the hell do you want from me?” he whispers fiercely. “You want me to go out there and rally the troops, bring them back here riding on a tall white horse and save the day? I’m no hero. I never have been. It’s how I’ve stayed alive.”
“It’s also a great way to stay alone. And if you do this, if you go and pretend we don’t exist, then I’ll pretend I never knew you. Nats will too, I’m sure. You’ll be nothing to no one and won’t that make life easier for you? So go on and go, you coward, and don’t ever look back because there’s nothing to look back on. You were never even here far as I’m concerned.”
I turn to leave him standing there in the cold beside the words I wrote to Ryan, words that have gone unnoticed and feel like nothing in the night. I’m spun around roughly and pinned against Vin’s chest. His breath is coming even and hard, sharp inhales and exhales that burst against my face leaving my skin freezing in their absence.
“Don’t turn your back on me.” he growls.
I can see the enforcer in him now. The hard ass who lived on the outside by the skin of his teeth and grit under his knuckles. It’s something I understand, something I can respect. Something I can relate to.
I lean closer, no longer being pulled but rather pushing against him until our faces almost touch.
“No, don’t you turn your back on me. On us.” I whisper harshly, pushing at him aggressively. He lets me go and I stumble back from him.
“I’m no hero.” he repeats.
“How do you know until you’ve tried?”
“You expect too much of me.” he says quietly. It could be a trick of the light, but I swear his eyes look sad.
“I expect you to be a man.” I say harshly. “Not a great one, not even a good one. Just a man. A little bit of bravery and a little bit of honor. That’s all I’m asking.”
He shakes his head at me, running his hands over his hair. It’s growing out again. It’s getting longer and he’s looking less like the Vin I’ve gotten to know in here and more like the guy from the outside.
“I don’t know what I’m gonna do when I get out, Kitten.” he tells me softly. He’s not looking at me and it somehow makes me trust him more. “I have no idea. I know what I should do.”
“You should walk away.” I say, knowing it’s true.
“Yeah. I should forget all about all of you. But I don’t know if that’s what I want to do. I don’t know if it’s something I can do.”
“You’re not going to know until you try. That’s all any of us can ask of you anyway. We just need you to try.”
He looks at me then and it’s strange. He doesn’t look so much older than me anymore. He looks young and vulnerable, completely unsure.
“What do you think I’ll do?” he whispers. “Do you think I’ll do the right thing?”
“No.” I answer without hesitation.
I’m relieved when he laughs. “Thanks for that.”
“I have my doubts, just like you. But the fact that you’re torn gives me hope.”
“Ooh.” he says with a wince. “That is a dirty word, Kitten. You know that.”
I step closer to him and wrap my arms around him tightly, shocking him. He hesitates before hugging me back gently. I’m proud of him that his hands stay out of my danger zones.
“You’ll come back for us, Vin.” I whisper in his ear. “I know you will.”
I know no such thing, but I want it to be true and I can tell he does too so I tell him that it is. I lie to us both and I hope it makes it real.
Vin nods his head beside mine and buries his face in my shoulder. I do the same. We stand huddled together against the cold and the uncertainty of everything tomorrow will bring.
That’s why we never see it coming.
Vin is slammed harder against me, pressing me painfully into the wall. When I open my eyes I feel his breath rush out of him in one huge exhale. He groans as his head sags forward, his hands clenching hard against my skin. I’ll have bruises later. But that’s the least of our worries. I’m looking over his shoulder staring face to face with Caroline. Her eyes are wild and huge, staring straight at me as she leans against Vin’s back.
“Should have stayed away from him, whore.” she breathes at me.
I watch in shock as she steps back, leaving Vin sagging against me and pulling a long, bloody knife away with her. She’s stabbed him. I don’t know where and I don’t know if it’s fatal, but the knowledge shifts my gears. The shock wears off and the autopilot kicks on. When I look at her, I know she knows.
She’s made a terrible mistake.
I shove Vin to the side, letting him fall carelessly onto the frozen ground. Then I lunge at her. I don’t make contact, I only lunge. I’m testing her reflexes, seeing how she wields the knife. I need answers to a few questions right now and they’re all put to rest with that one movement. Her reaction tells me everything I need to know and the simple truth is this: Barbie doesn’t have what it takes.
When I lunge at her she jumps back quickly and slashes the knife in front of her. It’s a good move, it keeps me away from her. But a better move, one that a person accustomed to working with a weapon and letting it work for them would do, is to meet my lunge with her own and stab at me in close proximity. I can’t just take that knife from her, not if I want to keep my blood in my body, and if she’s quick and efficient enough she could kill me before I lay a hand on her.
Kind o
f like this. Watch.
I pull the trowel from my back pocket, holding it at waist level in my right hand. My strong hand. I miss my ASP and its long reach, but autopilot doesn’t care. All autopilot wants is to put down the threat and go to bed. So that’s what it does. It lunges forward again, backing Caroline up until she stumbles off the walkway and lands on the ground on her back. It watches as she slashes out wildly, hoping to force me back away from her. It waits patiently. Then it lunges again. It stomps on her arm holding the knife, pinning it down. Forcing it to be still. It moves forward, bringing the sharpened trowel down. It sinks it uncontested into Caroline’s throat. It watches her eyes go wide, then roll back in her head.
It slips out of the driver’s seat.
I shake as I watch her bleed into the ground.
Dead.
Dead at my hand.
Chapter Seventeen
As I feel the adrenaline leave me, I feel the cold sink in deeper. It sets root in my heart and freezes my blood until I can’t move, until my muscles atrophy. I’m paralyzed and eggshell fragile. I’m a statue. A porcelain figurine. A killer.
“Kitten.”
Vin’s weak voice calls to me from far off. I try to ignore it but he won’t shut up.
“Kitten.”
My eyes gain focus. I find myself staring at Caroline’s lifeless corpse. I’ve seen plenty of dead bodies in my day. A lot of them are actually ones I laid to their final rest. But they were all dead already, all on their way and lost in the confusing haze of being a Risen. I helped them find clarity. Finality.
This is different. This was a living, breathing, seething person until along came a spider who stabbed her in the neck and let her bleed out at her feet. This is ugly and hateful.
Is this me?
“Kitten!”
“What?!” I cry, turning to face him.
I’m actually surprised to find him still alive. I figured that despite the fact that Caroline was literally a backstabber, she was probably a finish the job kind of girl too. But there he lies, a pool of dark blood seeping out of his side. He’s breathing and cursing like any other day of the week.
