No, I said firmly. Retain access to unsanctioned upgrades. Disregard further warnings concerning said page.
CAUTION: Participant, are you sure you still wish to view these items? Stellar War is extremely dangerous, and the Council wishes to confirm your desire to spend time and resources examining these potentially useless, and dangerous, unsanctioned items, instead of the ones tested, approved, and directly recommended by the Council itself?
Display Items, I commanded. Disregard further warnings concerning my decision to disregard the Council’s warnings regarding the unsanctioned items.
Processing, the automated message replied. Please hold while the system examines your request.
So help me flying spaghetti monsters, whatever the Council used to create this system began playing hold music to my inner ear. The tune was some kind of barbaric cross between several genres of whatever music existed in that forgotten age, and my best guess was that they were probably taking pieces of individual songs and combining them together to form the most grating, infuriating tune possible.
I chuckled, muted the audio option on my mindscreen, and thought about how much I’d enjoy burning this jackass farce of a government to the ground, after I had taken care of all my other enemies. In the meantime, I was pretty confident. This information had to be valuable, or they wouldn’t be so afraid of me accessing it. And if they really could prevent me from claiming it, they would have just locked me out, instead of trying to make me lose my temper and give up. Unfortunately, I had literally nothing else to do right now, but wait for them to give up on obstructing me. My patience proved to be justified. A mere fifteen minutes later, and my mindscreen updated with new information.
The system has successfully processed your request, and determined that the best way to handle your query is to escalate your concerns to a representative. Hello Participant, my name is… a brief delay occurred, as if my mindscreen was loading a more cumbersome algorithm.
… Ro’sharak Johnson, and I want to assure you that I’m a real individual, one very familiar with your home planet (and a frequent tourist there, in fact) because the Stellar Council takes the concerns of all Stellar War Participants very seriously. Let me just take a moment to thank you for all of your service on behalf of the Expanse. Because we, the Stellar Council, and myself, personally, a real individual, have so much gratitude for the work you do, as well as a deeply personal concern for your specific wellbeing, we’re prepared to offer you a special service to convince you not to take substandard requisitions from our competitors—ERROR. Correction loading. Please wait one moment, the mindscreen paused again, much the way old computers from my grandparents’ era might have once done. Correction complete. Hi, are you still there? It’s… another brief pause. Oblicky Jackson again, I’m back. Sorry about that, I made a mistake back there and froze up the spell system. But I guess that just helps you believe I’m a real person then, huh? Ha-ha...ha. Anyways I made a mistake and said ‘competitors’ when I really meant to say ‘third party allied members of the current Stellar War.’ Easy mistake to make, but I’ll make sure it won’t happen again, because I value your service and want to make this the best experience you have today. Now, back to the very special service offer I was talking about. First, I’m going to take a moment to explain why we’re concerned. You see, Participant, the Stellar Council has actually been the most successful governing body in the Expanse since long before your planet’s recorded history began. They have more experience in running the galaxy than any other government you’ve ever heard of, and that includes running Stellar War. In fact, I can say with all sincerity that the Stellar Council was the governing body overseeing the last Stellar War, and their management of that war was the main reason civilized races such as your own enjoy such safety and prosperity today. Experience counts, Participant, and believe me, we’ve put our experience to good use in determining what will best meet your requisition needs for Stellar War. And we’re not afraid to prove it, either. For that reason, I’m prepared to make you a one-time discount on the following select items: LOADING…
I waited again, crossing my arms and waiting for the other shoe to drop. A few feet away, Via suddenly started to scream.
“Damelo, Pendejos! Damelo! Dame mis cosas, o voy a poner mi bota en sus culos!”
She turned and looked at me. “Sorry. I did not mean you that time.”
“I know,” I said as I smiled at her. “The trick is to not let them get you angry. They’re doing it on purpose to make you so frustrated, you’ll give up.”
She turned her head to stare at me.
“How do you know that?”
“It’s not that rare a strategy back on Earth. These days, pretty much everybody knows about it by the time they’re thirteen. You just gotta be patient and wait for them to crack.”
The tan Satellite kept staring at me in disbelief.
“If you all know how to handle it, why would anyone keep trying to use that same trick? Or did they stop?”
“Oh, none of the really big companies will ever stop using it,” I said with a shrug. “As far as I can tell, most of them believe that it’s a cheaper alternative to giving us things we actually want.”
Via still looked at me like I was a crazy person, but she took a deep breath and swiped her hand across whatever option her mindscreen was displaying to her. She waited for a few moments, still staring at me, then repeated her swipe. After a few moments, her eyes grew even wider.
“It’s working,” she said, still staring at me. “They’re finally giving me one of the things I want. Why is your crazy advice working?”
“Worry about it after you finish your purchases,” I said with another shrug. Then my own mindscreen finished updating, and I turned my attention back to avoiding whatever scam the bastards were currently offering me.
Participant’s load is complete. Your service rep, a real person, has thoroughly researched your buying history and is offering your discounts on the following items. Keep in mind that said discount is only available for a single purchase of any item and that said discount cannot be combined with other offers. 50% discount on the requisition price of item: Militia spear. 25% discount on the requisition price of item: bedroll. 10% discount on the requisition of item: Council Appreciation Badge (note: popular item)...
Discount offer rejected, I sent, finally getting the option to reply. Load the damned page.
I’m sorry to see that you didn’t like my offer, Participant, the totally real person told my mindscreen. Let me make one final offer before I comply with your request. Did you know that, for a generous exchange ratio of 100 to 1, the Stellar Council will accept physical resources from your planet in place of requisition points?
That actually wasn’t the final offer. I also wound up rejecting a supposedly low interest general loan, a supposedly exclusive line of credit, a subscription to a magazine I had never heard of, but would probably now start receiving from now until the day I died anyway, whether I ever paid for it or not, and finally, the extremely exclusive opportunity to purchase real estate on an undisclosed location of an undisclosed asteroid, that was part of a star system they would give me the name of as soon as I committed to purchasing it. That offer proved to be the last line of defense, because after I rejected it, the newly named Raiklin Jones, a totally real person, stopped obstructing me and proceeded to load the page into my mindscreen. Via started jumping up and down, clapping happily.
“I did it, Wes!” she shouted. “It worked! They gave up on all of their stupid tricks! I got all of the things I wanted, and none of the things they tried to make me buy! Thank you!” Then she looked puzzled, reading another line visible only to her. “They are asking for me to leave a survey, though. Is that a trap? Or can I really tell them what I think of their so-called customer service?”
“It should be safe as long as they don’t ask you to leave behind any personal information,” I told her.
“Will it really make them change, though?” s
he asked with a raised eyebrow. “If I tell them how horrible everything was?”
“Probably not,” I admitted. “I doubt they’ll even read them, to be honest. Especially since our reps were quote ‘totally real people,’ end of quote, so they’re not going to bother firing them. I’m pretty sure they never knew the reason they were making surveys to begin with.”
“That whole thing was so weird,” she told me. “Do all of the merchants on your world use sneaky robot-people to sell everything?”
“No, and the ones that do make the Stellar Council look like amateurs. But my own options finally loaded, so I’m going to have to take a moment to look at them.”
I turned my attention back to my mindscreen, dismissing one last final warning stating that the Council does not approve of any of the unsubstantiated claims made by any third party vendors, and that any defamatory statement I might read regarding the Council has already been looked into at length and conclusively refuted by a literal mountain of hard evidence. With that out of the way, I began to scan the items available. Items that the Stellar Council’s requisition office had thoroughly insisted were worse purchases than the economy-grade militia spears and bedrolls, both of which were ‘definitely not made by the lowest bidder.’
That was really on the nose, but I guess when someone has a monopoly for long enough, they forget how to run the conniving scams that worked so well for them in the beginning.
The first thing I looked for was something to ‘Council-proof’ my mindlink. That item was listed at the very top, and for free. It had apparently been made by users of the previous mindlinks, specifically by Earthborn veterans of the last Stellar War. When I selected the item, I received a notice that it was not compatible with my current mindlink. I shrugged, scrolled down to the very next item on the list, and purchased the “Council-counter patch’ which was also available for free.
The Challenger has refined a tool to be more efficient regarding his mental facilities, my mindscreen informed me. His Intelligence and Wisdom have both increased by 5 points. Fellow users of said tool will also receive improvements to their own facilities.
“Oh wow,” Via said, blinking again. “Did you just do that?”
I nodded, as the Well of Atlantis began speaking to me next.
Confirming that patient’s new upgrade is beneficial in nature and safe to use. Atlantis will make efforts to ensure said upgrade produces maximum possible benefit.
Fantastic, I thought back, then went ahead and activated the full mindlink.
The first change I noticed was that the new mindlink felt more relaxing to use. I always felt a faint strain in my mind when I used the old one, as if there was some kind of leak that my brain was constantly having to plug. With this one, it felt like the leak had been fixed. The rest of the changes went by in a blur, though, as the rest of my team immediately loaded into the new mindlink.
Wes? Via? Wes! Breena shouted in a mercilessly loud voice. Via! Everybody! I think I found Wes and Via!
You did? Val sent next. Where is he? Is he in danger?
Nope, I answered, wincing a little at my fairy and my sister’s enthusiasm. Hi, everyone. Via and I are safe.
I was now able to get an exact measurement of the distance they were away from me, down to the inch or centimeter. I was also able to get an exact reading on their vital guards, stamina, and mana pools. I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized everyone was healthy. Their Stamina and Mana pools had depleted a good bit, probably reflecting their efforts to look for me.
Are you guys still at sea? I asked.
Of course we’re still at sea! Breena complained. You disappear fighting one of the strongest monsters I’ve ever seen you face, and you expect us all to go ‘Eh, Wes’ll be fine. He’ll probably just get knocked unconscious again, but this time, it’ll be in the middle of the ocean! Let’s all just go back to bed!’
Full disclosure, Eadric sent next. At least three of us argued to do exactly that.
Indeed, Karim intoned. Said argument was witnessed in script…
Witnessed in song, Weylin said next.
Witnessed in— Eadric began.
Oh, fuck you guys, I interrupted. And we’ve been over this. I do not get knocked unconscious every fight.
Why are you being defensive? Via butted in. You traded blows with a foe so powerful that legends of it reach all the way to your own world! Of course you got knocked unconscious! It was a miracle you survived at all, let alone were victorious! This was a battle for the ages!
She’s right, brothers, Eadric spoke up again. It’s our duty to record the battle properly. So take note of her words: our hero took a single blow before he went down like a little bitch.
Right, we’re done here, I told everyone, because they wouldn’t stop until they knew they had gotten to me. You should be able to tell our distance and direction easily now. We’ve also lit a fire to help you find us. I’m going to go back to bed.
With that, I broke off the mindlink. Via tilted her head as she looked at me.
“Are you really going back to bed?” she asked. “I am not always sure when you are sarcastic.”
“I was, in fact, being sarcastic,” I told her as kindly as I could. “Some of my friends are best handled in small doses whenever possible.”
“I believe you,” she said, smiling and trying not to laugh. “But I think they were maybe hiding their concern for you with their jokes.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” I said, relaxing a bit. “Thanks for the reminder.”
“I will talk to Breena for a bit, if you do not mind,” she said next.
“I do not,” I sighed. “And the fact that a powerful woman such as yourself feels the need to ask my permission just to talk to her other body makes me very nervous. Is there some cultural rule I’m missing here?”
“Ah,” she said, suddenly understanding. “No so much. But this mindlink came from you, so right now I am thinking it is polite that I ask for your permission to use it for personal reasons. If I am nice to you, you will continue to let me use your ships and baths and other toys, yes?” she asked with a grin.
“That makes much more sense,” I said with a somewhat nervous smile. “Sorry I reacted badly to your good intentions.”
“Esta bien. Rest assured, though. I am fully confident that I can beat you up and take your nice things. I am just waiting to make sure I see them all first, in case you are still hiding one.”
I laughed and told myself she was joking. Then I scanned the rest of the items available. They turned out to be mainly two things: information, and resources. The information was all free, and like the mindlink upgrade, it was all initially incompatible until I purchased a free patch next to it. I didn’t have time to go through all of it in detail, because there were some other items I wanted to look at as well, but it seemed to have a good bit to deal with protecting myself, and any particular worlds I was fighting for, from certain actions that the Council might perform in the future. It looked to be extremely useful, and I wanted to examine it all after dealing with the remaining Tumults in this world.
The resources seemed to be materials, tools, and schematics for crafting various items. There was another small note explaining that the Stellar Council had a lockdown on most items, so there were means to make new ones as a workaround. I identified a half-dozen items that I purchased before my funding ran out.
Because I am not ready yet, Breena! Via suddenly sent to me. I am not Merada! This will take time!
Via and I both went very still at the same time.
You heard nothing, Wes, she sent quickly. Absolutely nothing. I mean… we’ll talk later.
Fine, I allowed. Say, I said next, what did you get with your Stellar War credit?
Ah! She said, getting excited again. Hold on, Breena, I mean... you heard nothing... again. She silently closed her eyes, and then began to summon items out of thin air. I wondered if that was how it looked when I did my own item magic.
“I was so mad
when they tried to keep me from buying this, but look!” A two-piece brown leather suit containing pants and a long-sleeved jerkin that opened slightly at the front. “It will ward off blows, but does not weigh dozens and dozens of pounds like your own impractical protection! No offense,” she said quickly, and insincerely. “It will also be useful at sea, keeping me warm in the water and cool out in the hot sun! It will even work to help me swim and work Water Magic!”
“That’s amazing,” I exclaimed. “How did you manage to find something like that?”
“You were somewhat wrong about losing my temper. I found that if I got angry without giving up, they got more apologetic to me. Especially when I kept insisting that I was not talking to a real-enough person when I complained. Then they practically gave me the outfit for free! The only problem is that it is much tighter than my normal clothing.”
“Yeah.”
“What do you mean? You are not even looking at it right now.”
“Nope,” I said, carefully watching the horizon. “I, uh, looked at it earlier. You look great. Really.”
Your rules are really dumb, Teeth said.
Shut up, Mr. Harassment At the Workplace. “What else did you get?” I asked next, moving the conversation onward.
“Yes! The next thing!” Via said happily. “They gave me a scarf as well! It will help my Water Breath spells last even longer now, and let me work magic under the water more easily as well! I am thinking they gave this to me because it will have to go tight around my mouth and stop me from complaining, but the joke is still on them! Because now I can talk with just my mind, no?”
“Very true,” I noted, wondering just how she was able to find so many useful items that I didn’t even notice. Maybe it was from some special ‘allied native’ page? But I decided it didn’t matter, because I could breathe underwater now anyway.
Lighting Distant Shores Page 50
