When the world stopped spinning, we were in a river. Yes, literally in one, standing on a boulder. We were facing towards the waterfall which was tumbling over rock; not rocks but rock singular. Sandro and I had been there before. The rock looked as though it had melted like chocolate in the sun and flowed down the hill smoothing out into larger areas in places and then heading on down the river. How could we see this in the middle of the night? There were thousands, maybe tens of thousands of lights coming from a gathering of spirits which was filling the river basin for hundreds of metres downstream. The trees above were lit up, tall white trunks, so slender it was amazing they managed to stay upright and grow. Directly above my head, the top of one tree reminded me of a delicate parasol, each leaf and twig picked out in black against the light from below; each section distinct. Above that again, towering, its height unimaginable, was a tree the canopy of which was also lit from below, each piece of delicate foliage standing out, embroidering the darkened sky.
All around me, tucked into the banks of the river and spreading into each other, were boulders covered in dark, oozing moss, and these contrasted with ferns whose brightness threw emerald splashes everywhere. But the place was one thing and the atmosphere another entirely. Until that moment, I had only glimpsed a slight sense of what it was to be with a spirit. Put them all into one place, and the result was like being caught in permanent lightning. The buzz was audible yet could not be defined as chatter of voices. It was more like they each gave off a tangible presence which met that of the next, and the whole produced this vibration intense enough to threaten to overwhelm two tiny mortals in their midst. Flagran held tight to our hands, and neither of us had the slightest desire to relinquish him.
The noise stilled, and even the pounding of the waterfall settled into a quieter rhythm. All focus seemed to be on a point just above the largest rock boulder formation. The light there brightened until the glare became almost too intense, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I was staring up into the most beautiful sight anyone would ever see. It was clearly the Source from the way everything around settled into rapt attention. There was no possible way spirits would be whispering to each other amongst this audience. Bells began to ring. It was unclear whether these were birds’ voices magnified, or water crashing against water, but it sounded like glass instruments in an orchestra, and it was exquisite. I stole a glance at Flagran and saw he had bowed his head for the music. I copied him. His hand was warm and comforting, and there was no trace of anger towards me, only the clasp of solid friend offering protection and support. The music stopped, and all became still.
“Greetings, my friends!” The Voice called me to walk towards it and curl up somewhere close. It continued. “It is unusual, I know, to draw you all together in this way. I have some important happenings to draw to your attention.” The Creator held the audience captive. Not one soul there could possibly have wished to be somewhere else. “Elaris has decided she wants to re-join your ranks.” I became aware she was seated to the Source’s left on part of the major rock formation. She was huddled into herself head facing her knees. She stared into her own space lost in thought. “Would any among you like to speak for her who has been a treasured friend to many over centuries?”
Complete silence. After a time, Elaris raised her head and stared out at her judges piteously.
“Surely, there is one amongst you who would defend her against my judgement!”
More lengthy silence. Elaris appeared surprised. She who’d had everyone wanting her company and wisdom had now not a single one speaking in her defence. “I will therefore outline her position for you and ask you to decide on her fate.”
Terrified, anguish caused her to sway backwards and forwards on her rocky seat, but she didn’t speak.
“Elaris has decided that I am to be deposed.” There was a loud ripple of noise throughout the theatre. “She feels I am outdated in my thinking and can no longer be trusted to judge on the life of this planet.” At this Elaris cried out in a loud voice, drawing several nearby spirits to her in case she required containment. But the Source seemed unconcerned and said, “Let her speak then, in her own defense.”
“I never thought you were wrong about the earth. It was the others.”
“Which others Elaris?”
Flagran’s hand began to tremble in mine, and I held onto him thinking it would be a terrible thing to be called to account in front of such a large gathering; especially as he seemed so close to the Source. But he dropped our hands and stepped to the front followed closely by Homarta and Torrenclar. Each knelt and bent their heads.
“What is missing in this picture Elaris?” She shook her head. “Where do you fit into it?”
“I asked them not to set off doing things which were not your will,” she pleaded.
“As did Torrenclar, yet you see him here kneeling before me. Why do you continue to defend yourself rather than make your peace with me?” She shook her head again.
“Where do you see this going now?” ku asked her, but she was thinking. She lifted her head and scanned the crowd in front of her seeking a friendly face. Then something horrific happened.
“There is one in the audience who pities you, Elaris, and would like to speak for you,” the Source said. “Bridey, will you step forward?” Sandro grabbed for me, but he had no power in this place. There was little choice because my feet began walking forward. “Where in this scene do you place yourself?” Ku asked me in a friendly voice, but I was shaking with terror and couldn’t think or speak.
My friends didn’t raise their heads, and I felt completely alone. Only Elaris looked at me pleadingly. I had no idea what I was supposed to do and no one to guide me, yet the Source seemed to think I did know something. Their anger at the house came back to me, the only time they’d ever been more than irritated. It made no sense. I stared at Elaris, and she returned my gaze. Everyone around us appeared to hold their breath. How lovely she had been. She should have been able to put her case to the Source and be heard. She hadn’t created an earthquake or stopped Time. I felt a huge pull towards her. My feet took a step in that direction. No one spoke. No one said anything at all.
Then I stared at the Source who met my eyes with a question. Looking down at the kneeling figures who were my friends, their love for me and how much I wanted it to continue became clear, and I decided to join their team, whatever the cost. My knees bent beside them, and my head dropped. Elaris let out a deep wail, and another wave of pity for her washed over me, but I couldn’t make myself get up and change my choice because I didn’t even like her, and she made me feel unhappy. Every time I’d thought of her in her prison up in the mountains somewhere and seen Torrenclar return after visiting, Homarta break her heart after she’d been attacked, Flagran crying for her, I’d been overwhelmed. I wondered if she still had choices, especially now she was out of her prison. Couldn’t she just join us on the ground and let the Source sort it all out, and then we could go back to being happy together.
Elaris began to cry. “Please, Love, don’t send me back to that place!” I looked at ku and begged with my eyes for her to remain free. Ku regarded me steadily, and I knew all my thoughts were being read.
“Well Bridey, are you content with your choice?” I nodded without a doubt, yet I still wanted her to be free.
“Bridey has spoken for you Elaris. Is it enough for you to come back to me?” Ku asked her.
She hesitated. “What would it take?” she asked.
The Source smiled a thin smile and said, “I think it will take more time.”
“Please do not punish me anymore,” she begged. “I cannot bear to go back to that place.
“The only other place where you would be safe from yourself and not pose a danger to those around you would be at my side. But you would not be free to roam.”
Elaris thought about this, curious. “You would have me beside you even now,” she asked.
“Always.”
“Can we do it that
way?”
“I don’t know Elaris, but I am prepared to try if you are.”
It seemed impossible to understand, and I could make no sense of it. But the Source appeared to be satisfied and turned to the crowd. Kus’ arms lifted high giving out a strong light which was passed across all who gathered watching.
“Thank you all for attending so promptly. Your work is greatly appreciated, and your love for me holds me.” The Source stepped forward to the bent figures and leaning down indicated they were to rise. They stood, stepping back with a bow. With extreme awkwardness, I attempted to follow, not knowing what was expected of me and very distressed to discover the Source hadn’t finished with me yet. My friends were nowhere visible. Sandro though was instantly at my side, not of his own choice. We waited.
Everyone else was dismissed. How we were to get home again.
The Source smiled at me, and I decided to stay forever. “Bridey!” I began to shake and revise my plan. “A very important word of warning for you.” There was nothing to do, but nod. “Never speak to a dark spirit. Never take one on in any sort of conversation, but always come to me and give me the task. I know far better than you what needs to be done, and I have the power. Do you understand this?” I thought maybe it made sense of why the Caretakers had been angry with me.
“They weren’t angry with you, darling. They were frightened for you.” If the Source was to call me darling all would be well in the world forever.
“All will be well, Bridey. Remember this, because there is a dark time ahead of you when you will doubt you ever heard my voice, let alone stood here wanting to stay with me forever.” Ice ran up my back, but I nodded. “You too, Sandro. You also are precious to me. We will be meeting sooner than you imagine and have much to say to each other.” Sandro was staring at the Source with such great love in his eyes it was startling. “You must both trust me and speak with me regularly. Can you do that please?” We agreed vigorously, and the Source smiled at us drawing us close for only a moment. “Go now. Your friends are awaiting you. I must spend some time with Elaris.” I went away feeling sorry for this Spirit in charge of everything and wishing for something different which couldn’t be turned into a thought.
***
Flagran, Torrenclar and Homarta stayed with us way into the night helping us process an overwhelming but wonderful experience. All Sandro could say at first was “Whoah! What was that?” He had thought of saying “What the fuck was that” but stopped himself having just been through something after which swearing seemed crass. We tried to get a handle on the Source’s words about our future. The Caretakers were not helpful. They did make an attempt by suggesting there are many corners in life which need to be turned and this could be one particularly sharp bend. Perhaps the Source had been attempting to prepare us. When questioned about whether we would make it through okay, the answers were varied. Flagran said “Of course” like it was obvious. Homarta spoke of periods of lying fallow, and Torrenclar, who was clearer but by far the least reassuring, spoke of struggles and challenges. If they knew what was about to happen, they weren’t saying.
When it came to the fate of Elaris, all were clear it was not a matter of fate. Elaris had choices which she was making all the time; often changing her mind when she considered her position from the point of view of being wronged, or of power. The most important factor in what had happened was clearly the one where you made your choices and never spoke to dark spirits. Once they believed you were on their side, you were in big trouble. If they believed you were against them, you were also in trouble. Best not enter into the discussion at all. We both agreed to abide by the Source’s instructions and vowed not to speak to Elaris about anything until she was completely in the clear; if of course that was what transpired. As it turned out, we were all facing in the wrong direction so didn’t see the danger coming.
Sandro had some big things going on inside him. He’d made the decision to let go his desperate need to find his father, which I think had been slipping away by itself. The Caretakers suggested that letting go of something often means circling back. This was confusing for him. Flagran pointed out our planned trip to Dandenong, only two days away now. Sandro suggested the best thing would be to concentrate on my interviewees for the project. It seemed no one else agreed with him. He told them he felt cornered, and they nodded in sympathy and continued on in the same direction. I went to bed alone that night feeling tired and grumpy, and a very disgruntled Sandro made his way moodily home with Flagran to his empty bed.
Just as everyone drifted off, each to their thoughts, Josh arrived full of excitement to tell us about his day. We groaned and told him we were not up to anything at present.
“It’s three o’clock in the morning, Josh. Some of us need sleep. Piss off.” Sandro was not at his brightest or friendliest when he felt bested by the Caretakers, and in this case, me as well.
“Can I sleep on your veranda, Bridey?” Josh asked cheerfully, not in the least inclined to be upset by Sandro’s gruffness.
I looked around at the night and, shivering with cold, invited him into the spare room. This was a jumble of books, childhood toys, bags of clothes for the op shop, spare blankets and an ancient sewing machine. Josh arranged himself amongst the mess, more comfortable than many places he had slept outside, and shrugged off Sandro’s attempts to prevent him from imposing on me, a flash of jealousy based on having decided to go home.
“It’s not up to you,” Josh told him inaccurately adding, “this is Bridey’s place.”
After Sandro had taken off in a foul mood, Josh commented, “You know, some people think they own everything, but they don’t really.” Not in the mood for philosophical conversation and wanting to be alone with my thoughts, I politely asked, “What makes you say that?”
“Well, look at the aboriginals. They share everything.”
“Yes, I had heard that.”
“The other day,” Josh continued, “I was walking through a plaza when some really tough looking dudes went past me, and I was shitting myself, but they just gave me the look and went past. Anyway, I kept walking through and then some younger abos, a few girls and a boy started shouting after the tough dudes. You know what they were saying?”
I shook my head thinking I couldn’t care less what they were saying, but Josh went on with his story, oblivious. “They were shouting, ‘we need a phone’.” He looked at me meaningfully, but the point eluded me. At my puzzled frown, he said, “they were saying they needed a phone.”
“I heard that. What’s funny about that?”
Josh rolled his eyes, “Well they weren’t saying ‘where’s my phone?’ It’s like they even share phones!”
I took my aching body and mind off to bed thinking Josh was one intelligent customer.
***
Torrenclar came to me the next day after Uni and asked me to go somewhere with him. Uncertainty was an understatement because he was way too serious and insistent and it made me nervous.
“Tell me where you’re going to take me.”
He shook his head. “You’re just going to have to trust me, Bridey.” This was definitely about what had happened yesterday. There was no way I was up for a major renovation today. “It’s important,” he insisted.
How do you resist Torrenclar when he’s made up his mind about anything? In some ways he’s a delight to have around, but when he sets his will against yours, you are totally helpless. Besides, to refuse would have meant not knowing what I was missing out on; good or bad.
“How long will it take? I’m supposed to be working on my thesis.”
He cocked his head on one side. “Are you? I thought all was right for Dandenong.”
“Well it is. But that doesn’t mean I don’t need to get it clear in my head today.” If that sounded like a poor excuse, it was. My mind rattled around trying to find a better one, but in the way it has of abandoning me in my greatest need, it went completely blank.
“Okay then. You can look it over to
morrow. Let’s go!”
I glared at him. “You can’t mean we’re leaving right now?”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’m not ready.”
“What do you need to do to get ready?” I thought about it. Nothing came to mind, except that I might get hungry. Spirits never thought about that.
In that disconcerting way he had of reading my mind he said, “You will be better off not eating.” Alarm shot through my system like the sight of a snake might evoke. I decided then not to go.
“I’m sorry Torrenclar. I don’t think Sandro would like it if I just went off with you without telling him where we are going.”
He just stared me down. “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not up to Sandro.”
How dare he? He wasn’t the boss of me. Since when had he been given the right to tell me where I had to go and what I should be doing? I glared again, but it made not the slightest difference. He was intractable.
“I have to work tonight.”
“We’ll be back in time.”
He fixed me with his eyes, and any resistance to taking hold of his outstretched hand was impossible. In that horrible manner they had of suddenly disappearing, I disappeared with him. It wasn’t like travelling anywhere. It was more like suddenly arriving somewhere. If it had been left up to me I would have crashed into the boulders, but Torrenclar was somehow holding me above them until we landed on a path beside the river. This was a scary place and it made me feel anxious and dark. Take me back home, now. Brooding danger was all around me, closing me in. My breath started coming in short pants. This was far worse than Irri-tat’s attack. Any expectations I might have started to nurture about Torrenclar making me feel safe and holding me disappeared instantly when he firmly grasped my hand taking me along the path and up the river which was on our left. We passed several spots where the water was rushing over small waterfalls, and the fear increased until I was pulling back on his hand, but it made not the slightest difference.
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