by Croix, J. H.
Out of sorts and not ready to look through the rest of the files, she changed into her running clothes and headed for the closest trail. The damp cold seemed fitting now; it braced her. She didn’t have the hope that a good, hard run would take her mind off the emotional bomb she’d just found, but running had been a refuge for her for years. The rhythm settled her body and grounded her. In the weeks she’d had Jessie, she’d found Jessie to be the perfect running companion. Hannah ran for close to an hour in the cool, misty rain with Jessie jogging quietly alongside. One stretch of the trail nearby offered a clear view of Mount Augustine, standing tall in the gray mist of the bay. Clouds hung low above the volcano. She breathed in the earthy scents of rain and spruce. When she and Jessie finally returned home, they were both soaked through. She toweled Jessie dry, turned up the heat, and took another steaming hot shower.
Arming herself with a glass of wine, Hannah sat on one of the stools by the kitchen counter. She’d dressed in warm, soft clothes after her shower, aiming for comfort however she could find it. Across the room, the papers were scattered on the sofa where she’d tossed them before her run. She sighed and glanced at her cell phone. Just as she looked away, it rang, Susie’s number flashing on the screen.
Susie spoke immediately. “What’s up? You sounded weird in your message.”
“I sounded weird because I feel weird. Can you come over?” she asked. “It’ll be easier to show you than try to explain.”
Susie agreed, explaining she just needed to close up her office. When Susie asked about dinner, Hannah realized she hadn’t thought about it. Susie, ever practical, reported she’d pick up pizza on the way over.
Hannah turned on the television while she waited. Jessie came over and nuzzled one of her hands. Despite her feelings, the run had done what she’d hoped. It had grounded her and brought her into her body, out of the wild feeling she’d had inside. She picked the papers up from the sofa and brought them to the counter, sorting and smoothing them out before reading again. The only sounds were Jessie’s soft breathing from where she lay on the floor, the sound of papers being turned as she read, and the rhythmic patter of rain on the roof.
Susie pulled up shortly and came in without knocking, one hand balancing a pizza box. She set the pizza on the counter and tossed her purse on an empty stool before pulling another one out and sitting down beside Hannah.
“Okay, cut to it. You know I hate waiting to know when something’s going on. Did you forget that in the last few years? The only reason I let it slide was because you sounded so off in your message,” Susie said.
Hannah started to smile and felt her mouth wobble. Rather than trying to explain, she simply picked up the papers and handed them to Susie. She took a swallow of wine and went to get plates and another wineglass for Susie.
Susie only took a moment to read. “What! I’m assuming this is the first you’ve heard of this because I can’t imagine you keeping this a secret from me all these years. But then I can’t imagine your parents keeping it a secret from you, so I don’t know what to think.”
Susie slapped the papers down. She grabbed the bottle of wine and filled the glass Hannah had set in front of her. She took a gulp before looking directly at Hannah. “Look, I’m in shock, so I’m guessing you are too. But I don’t know what you need from me at the moment. You know me, I’m ready to rage and wish I could tell your parents off. But I don’t know if that would help in any way.” She paused and smiled. “Actually, I think I’m starting to realize that my attack mode often isn’t helpful. I’m working on that.”
Hannah felt the tears on her cheeks before she realized she’d started to cry. She wiped them away and looked back at Susie. “I’m just glad I’m home, so that I had someone to call. I have no idea how I feel really. Mostly angry, but I’m confused. I can’t even get to the part about how I feel that I have a sister out there somewhere because I’m so confused and angry that my parents never told me this. It doesn’t fit what I thought I knew about them. You know? I don’t know. It’s so…strange. Then there’s this part of me that wants to find her, find her now, sooner than now. But that’s terrifying, to say the least. Oh God, I just don’t know. As for what I need from you, well…just you being my friend…you can be in attack mode if you need to,” Hannah said wryly.
Susie leaned over and hugged her briefly. She took a sip of wine and picked the papers up again. Hannah felt a ghost of that hollow feeling she’d had earlier. She ignored it and busied herself getting a slice of pizza for herself and another for Susie. She pushed the plate in front of Susie and took a bite of her own slice as she sat down.
Susie scanned through the papers again and put them down to take a bite of her pizza. Hannah leaned in and read over Susie’s shoulder, again looking to see if anything other than a first name was mentioned.
Susie shook her head. “This is just, well…a shock. I don’t know what to say. Now I know why you sounded so off in your message. How are you? I mean, really?”
Hannah shrugged. “Ugh…not so good. I’m just floored. I can understand why they wouldn’t tell me this when I was younger. I get that. Kind of hard to explain to a little kid. But the people I thought they were…well…I thought they would have told me when I was older. And I can’t ask them about it now. So there’s all that, and then I have a sister somewhere.”
Susie sat quietly for a moment. Hannah kept eating since her first bite had reminded her that she was starving.
Susie looked back at the papers and then at Hannah. “I’ll do whatever I can to help. I know you’re in shock because I am. It’s just…I don’t know. Here’s the thing, though. There are plenty of places to start. I know you aren’t too close to your extended family in North Carolina, but that’s one place to start. Knowing when this happened, your mom’s side of the family has to have some clues. Maybe your mom kept it from them, but a pregnancy is hard to hide all the way to the end. I say let’s start there. If you’re uncomfortable making calls, I’ll do it. I don’t care who thinks I’m nosy.”
Hannah smiled, and it didn’t fall apart this time. “You’re right. It’s not like there’s nowhere to start. What do you think our chances are of finding my sister? I don’t know if I’m ready, but I’m definitely curious.”
“Hard to know those chances. But it’s the age of the Internet. It’s amazing what people can find these days.”
Susie stayed for a few hours. They talked more about what Hannah had discovered, but Susie also helped take her mind off it by prodding her about Luke and insisting that they watch the latest Bachelorette together.
“You seriously want me to watch this?” Hannah asked.
“Yes, yes, I do. It’s complete madness, but it’s a mind suck. Whatever worries you have will fade, at least for the time the show’s on. I guarantee. It’s just ridiculousness, but strangely fascinating,” Susie said.
Hannah drifted through the next few days, detached and unfocused. She’d told Susie she’d find phone numbers and e-mail addresses for family in North Carolina, but she didn’t have the heart to look. Instead, she took long runs in the cool mornings and threw herself into yard work. Her mother’s neglected flower beds gave her plenty to do, not to mention the sad state of the rest of the yard. By the time late afternoon rolled around on Wednesday, she realized she had completely forgotten that she had dinner plans with Luke for that evening. As tempting as it was to cancel, the pull to see Luke again was more tempting. She didn’t want to be alone tonight; she craved anything to keep her mind occupied and away from the anger she felt toward her parents and from her unanswered questions.
She raced to get ready on time and was in the kitchen feeding Jessie when she heard a knock on the door. Luke came in at her call. She stood up from scooping Jessie’s food, her heart skipping at the sight of him. He looked as if he’d been in the sun for the last few days. The green of his eyes stood out against his sun-burnished skin. His dark hai
r was tousled, which she’d come to learn was its typical state. She loved the disorderly curls that tended to fall across his forehead. Her hair was still damp from the shower and her feet bare. She’d left herself no time to spare. She’d forgotten how the long Alaskan summer days didn’t offer a reminder of the time because the sun stayed up long past when dinner would usually occur. Luke reached down to pet Jessie who’d run to his side.
“Well, hello there. Looks like you might have had a busy day. Did I come too early? Thought we agreed on seven.”
Hannah shrugged sheepishly. “We did. I was working in the yard and lost track of time. Seeing as the sun doesn’t set for hours yet, I didn’t notice the time. I also forgot that I said I’d cook dinner.” She gestured to her damp hair. “Just got out of the shower.”
“No problem. Took me a while to adjust to the long days here. If cooking here is out, we can go to town for dinner if you’d like.”
“What about ordering pizza? I had some last night, but it wasn’t Glacier Pizza, which used to be my favorite. Do they still deliver?” she asked.
“They do,” Luke replied and pulled out his phone. “Have their number in my phone because they happen to be my favorite too. Want me to call?”
“Sure. Order whatever you want. I’ll eat anything they have.”
Luke lifted his eyebrows. “Are you sure?” he asked.
She nodded. “I mean it. I like about every kind of pizza, and I’ve probably had everything they make.”
While Luke called, Hannah went to the wine rack, which was tucked under the edge of the counter. She had bought a few bottles since she’d gotten here, in addition to some that Susie brought over on one of the days she came to help with organizing. She selected a bottle of red wine and grabbed a glass out of the cabinet. She quickly uncorked the wine and poured a glass for herself while Luke waited on the phone. Catching his eyes, she held up the wine bottle and opened the refrigerator, pointing to some bottles of beer. He waved toward the beer. After opening a bottle, she slid it across the counter to where he could reach.
She sipped her wine and looked out toward the bay. Luke sat with his boots hooked around the stool legs. His large frame barely fit on the stool. Jessie had finished eating and was napping on the floor beside Luke. To live the life of Jessie seemed fairly simple. She sought and gave love and affection freely. She ate, napped, and ran around otherwise. Hannah needed to thank Susie for sending Luke her way with Jessie. Although she wasn’t about to admit to Susie how alluring Luke was, her nerves were high when it came to him. As for Jessie, though, she was thrilled to have her as part of her life. She never felt alone in the house, which had been one of her greatest fears when she’d considered moving home. Jessie had fit into her world so easily and comfortably, and she needed that ease and comfort at this stage. Her thoughts flitted toward her unknown sister for a moment and shied away.
While they waited for the pizza, Hannah gave Luke a tour of the house. Just as she finished showing him the upstairs, their pizza arrived. They started eating immediately. After a few minutes, Luke looked over at Hannah and laughed. “Must have both been starving. I’d apologize for being rude, but I’m not sure who’s eating faster, me or you.”
“Probably me. I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I tend to do that when I’m busy. Forget to eat, that is,” she said and grabbed a napkin to wipe her hands.
With the pizza almost gone, they relocated to the living room. Jessie immediately claimed one of the chairs, a mission-style reading chair with a soft, deep seat. The sun was setting over the bay with an early moon rising in the sky. Luke was a polite guest, keeping most of his questions superficial. Hannah felt caught between wanting to lose herself in anything other than her thoughts about what she’d learned yesterday and sensing her well-honed defenses rise against the draw she felt toward Luke.
As they talked, she took in Luke’s presence: sexy, handsome, easygoing, and strong. She had a hard time keeping her eyes off his and felt flushed with wine and being near him. She was annoyed with herself for being so drawn to him and didn’t trust the wish that she could let her guard down. She couldn’t think of a man that held this much appeal for her. She’d had glimmers in the past of the feelings Luke elicited, but nothing quite like it. Her senses were on high alert. Her body remembered the feelings from the other night and craved more. Just sitting near him on the couch, she felt a slick heat between her legs, and her skin felt hot all over. She itched to lean over and kiss him.
Just when she’d almost convinced herself to kiss Luke anyway, Hannah heard a car in the drive. She could just make out Susie and Cammi as they stepped out of the car in the fading light. Luke’s eyes held a question.
“Oh, looks like Susie and Cammi came by,” she said with a shrug. “I didn’t know they planned to.”
She met Susie and Cammi at the door. Her body was irritated with the interruption, but another part of her was relieved. She wasn’t thinking clearly since yesterday, not to mention her own doubts. She pulled the door open just as Susie and Cammi reached the top of the stairs. Susie was attempting to wrestle her hair into a ponytail. Curls spilled over her hands.
“Did we interrupt?” Susie asked. “We would have called, but I had to bring Cammi home because she got a flat tire, and her spare was also flat. In case you didn’t know, she lives less than a mile from you now.”
Susie turned to Cammi. “Did you mention that to Hannah yet?” She brought her gaze back to Hannah. “Cammi rents the old Peters house. Their grandkids fixed it up a while back and started renting it. Anyway, we were driving past your road, and I turned in out of reflex and decided it must mean we needed to see you.”
Hannah waved them in. As they entered, Susie tugged on Hannah’s sleeve. Hannah turned to look at Susie with a question in her eyes. “How are you today?”
Hannah knew Susie meant more than just how she was doing. She wasn’t ready to talk about it in front of Cammi and certainly not Luke. She responded quietly as she heard Cammi greeting Luke. “Just okay. It’s not something I’m ready to tell the world. Okay?”
Susie nodded. “I figured. Just wanted to check on you. Should we gracefully bow out pretty quick here? As soon as I pulled up, I realized that was Luke’s truck. Aside from everything else, can’t say I’m not happy that you’re seeing him again.” She smiled slyly and dodged when Hannah reached out to swat her shoulder.
Hannah responded just as they entered the living room. “It’s okay you’re here. No rush to leave.”
Cammi and Luke were chatting in the living room. Susie plopped on the chair beside Jessie and began petting her. Jessie soaked it up and rolled over to rest her head on Susie’s leg.
Luke looked over at Hannah. “I was telling Cammi that you’ve granted me visiting privileges with Jessie,” he said.
“It’s only fair. He brought Jessie to me, and it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t let him visit. Do you two want something to drink?” she asked.
Susie answered, “Maybe some water, but nothing else. The yard looks like it’s coming along by the way.”
Hannah looked out through the soft fading light into the yard. She’d been working so close to the ground, she hadn’t taken time to look at the yard from a distance. Her mother’s flower beds were beginning to look like something other than piles of cultivated weeds. The stone pathways that wound through the yard were visible again. As Hannah fetched Susie’s water, Cammi called out for her to bring a glass of wine.
Cammi and Susie stayed for a little while with Cammi regaling them with stories of tourist encounters at her coffee truck, Red Truck Coffee, one of the busiest tourist stops in town in the summer, situated as it was just by the harbor. Those who lived in Alaska year-round appreciated tourists for what they brought to the economy, but they also often had to bail unsuspecting and misguided tourists out of random pitfalls. Moose and their calves made for endearing photo opportunities unless p
eople came too close, at which point the would-be photographers found themselves in a dangerous situation within seconds. There were the famed Turnagain Arm mudflats as well. Turnagain Arm was the name of a stretch of the Sterling Highway just south of Anchorage. It offered turn after turn after turn of beautiful vistas of mountains and ocean with the road traveling along the winding shoreline through a narrow section of Cook Inlet, hugging the edge of the mountains. When the tide was out, the mudflats looked inviting to walk upon. Unfortunately, the mud in those areas was dangerously difficult to free oneself from, and locals and tourists alike often needed shouts and reminders to keep away from the tempting tide pool walks. Of course, bear stories also abounded.
Despite what Hannah had learned yesterday and her mixed feelings about Luke, she felt a sense of comfort steal over her. The idea of learning about her parents’ secret while she’d been in graduate school and away from Diamond Creek was frightening. She reached up to turn on a lamp by the couch and looked around the room. Luke was comfortably talking with Cammi and Susie and didn’t seem bothered by the interruption of their dinner. She wanted to reach over and hold one of his hands, which interrupted her moment of comfort, as she wasn’t sure she liked the fact that he made her forget her defenses.
Susie and Cammi left not long after, by which point it was late enough that Hannah was yawning. She and Luke had followed Susie and Cammi out to the deck as they said their good-byes. The sky had a purple, grayish tint with faint streaks of pink as darkness took over. The sound of the car motor faded as Susie drove away. Hannah yawned again.
“You’re tired. My cue to head out,” Luke said.
She started to protest, but he stepped close to her and put his index finger to her lips. “You’ve been yawning for the last half hour. I have to be up early tomorrow, so let’s call it a night. We head out this weekend though, so can I get one more night before I go…Friday?” he asked.
