by Croix, J. H.
Soft waves rocked the water with enough breeze to stir up the surface in a lazy way. Gulls called as they flew past the boat, likely headed toward Gull Island, a rock outcropping in Kachemak Bay where gulls, puffins, and other birds gathered in large numbers. Hannah turned for a last look back at Gull Island with the boat quickly pulling away. Birds swirled and called around the small island. Facing forward, she felt the momentum of the boat churning toward Diamond Creek. Just as in her life, the past receding into the distance with the future unfurling in front. She only wished she could see ahead in her life the way she could in the water. Mount Augustine stood high in the distance, small clouds arrayed about its peak.
Just over an hour later, Hannah was busy helping the family load their fish in large plastic bins to transport to the Fish Factory to be cleaned, gutted, filleted, and flash frozen in short order. Some visitors chose to do the preparation for flash freezing themselves. Much pride lived among the fishing crowd regarding how well one could gut, clean, and fillet a fish. The docks in the harbor had cleaning stations every few feet for this purpose.
Just as she finished up and was returning to the parking lot with Luke and his brothers, her phone rang. Susie’s number flashed on the screen.
“Hey there,” she said as she answered.
“Hey, hey,” Susie said. “What are you up to?”
“Just finishing up a day of fishing with Luke and his brothers. How about you?” she asked.
“Oh, I’m about brain-dead from trying to sort out the bike shop’s finances from last quarter. They just started to use me after years of handling their own books. Let’s just say they probably should have gotten some help sooner,” Susie said with a soft chuckle. “But that’s not why I called. Not to startle you, but Mom’s found a good lead and wants to talk to you ASAP.”
Hannah felt her stomach drop. “What?”
“Just what I said. She says you can stop by anytime. She’s just home doing yard stuff. Are you busy?”
She caught Luke looking at her with a question in his eyes. She ignored him and focused on Susie. “Well, seeing as I’ve been on the water all day and handling fish, I need a shower.”
“Do you want me to swing by your place in maybe an hour and we can go over to my mom’s together? I have time.”
“That would be great. Can we talk then?” Hannah asked.
At Susie’s quick agreement, Hannah slipped her phone back in her pocket. Luke was walking silently alongside Jared and Nathan and looked over at her again. “Should I ask about dinner, or did you just make other plans?” he asked.
“Well…how about I call you later? That was Susie, and she’s meeting me in a bit to go see her mom. I don’t know how long we’ll be, though.” She glanced at her watch to see it was still mid-afternoon.
They had reached her truck, parked against the trees in the lot. Jared and Nathan split away from them. Luke lingered beside her for a moment. “A call later would be nice,” he said and then leaned over and took her lips.
In less than a second, Hannah thought she might combust. Heat pooled in her center and flared through her from head to toe. They were shielded by the truck cap and the trees to the back. Luke didn’t hesitate and brought his body flush against hers. She took a small step with her back coming up against the truck. He pressed against her. Their tongues tangled, and she gasped as she felt his erection cradled against her legs. She couldn’t help but part her thighs, inviting him deeper against her. He pressed against her pelvis, spiking sharp, sweet sensations through her.
She brought her hands around his hips and pulled him hard against her. His lips traveled down one side of her neck, nipping gently. His hands slipped underneath her T-shirt and quickly unhooked her bra. A sigh of relief came when his warm hands cupped her breasts. He teased her nipples with one hand while the other made quick work of the button and zipper on her jeans. He cupped her mound for a moment and dipped a finger into her curls, sifting through and sliding into the slippery moisture rapidly building in her core. He was still gently pushing his hips into hers. She could barely stand the sensation of his erection slowly grinding against her in a soft rhythm and his fingers teasing the bud of her clitoris. She heard herself pleading with him as she felt his lips close over a nipple he’d bared with his other busy hand. She distantly heard the sound of voices in the parking lot.
Luke finally sank one finger and then another into her now drenched channel, just as he shifted to her other nipple with a deep suction. Hannah bucked against his hand in seconds, coming apart silently. She felt Luke’s hand go still, her flesh pulsing around his fingers. He pulled his lips away from her nipple with a soft nip just as he slowly removed his hand from her warmth, opening his eyes and bringing his gaze to hers. Her head had fallen against the truck. She stood there, feeling limp and still wanting much more than his fingers inside of her.
She met his eyes and smiled ruefully. “It’s not fair what you do to me.”
He shrugged. “Does this mean you’ll be more likely to call me later?”
She rolled her head to one side against the truck. “Oh, is that what this was for? If so, then yes.”
Voices from the busy parking lot intruded again. She remembered that while they were protected from view by her truck, they were also in a busy area. She couldn’t believe she’d allowed what just happened in such a public place. Luke stepped away and helped her tidy her clothes. Fortunately, after a day fishing, her attire could be sloppy and no one would think anything of it. She told Luke she’d call him later and drove away after a final quick kiss, her body thrumming with the imprint of him against her.
Within the hour, Hannah was looking at Faye’s house as Susie brought her car to a stop in the driveway. She realized on the drive over that she had been working very hard at pretending like she hadn’t discovered she had a sister somewhere in the world. Every so often, the thought would rise to the surface of her mind, and each time, she dodged away. Thoughts of Luke were an escape made easy because it was enough for her to struggle with the push and pull of how she felt about him. Following Susie toward the house, she felt a twinge of guilt that she had yet to talk with Luke about this situation. She kept telling herself that she didn’t even know if what they had would be more than carefree and skin-deep. Sharing something this personal with him seemed to reflect that she thought he mattered, and she wasn’t ready to admit that, even to herself. Faye opened the door, and she pushed thoughts of Luke away.
Faye led them into her kitchen and puttered about getting them coffee and tea.
Hannah sipped at her coffee and looked out toward the bay. Faye’s house offered a different view of the mountains and a closer look at one of the glaciers across the bay. Staring at the icy blue of the glacier, she lost focus.
Faye’s voice brought her back. “So Hannah, I’ll just get right to it. Here’s what I found. I did some digging on forums where adopted children and parents who gave children up for adoption post information. Wait a minute, let me just get my laptop,” she said as she quickly got up and walked over to a small desk in the corner of the kitchen.
Faye returned with her laptop, clicked through a few screens and came to a stop. She pointed to a post. “There…this sounds to me like it might be posted by your sister. The details match up. Her name is Emma Neals. Read it and let me know what you think.”
Looking for my birth parents. I only have first names, John and Janet. I was born in Raleigh, NC on 2/21/1981. Adopted by Catherine and Franklin Davis and raised in Chapel Hill. My parents told me I was adopted at birth, but they didn’t have any other information about my birth parents. Please contact me at…”
Hannah read the brief paragraph three times before looking up at Faye. Susie had stepped out of the kitchen to call Faye’s dog, Dante, into the house when he had started barking at a moose that wandered into the neighbor’s yard.
“Well, what do you think?” Faye a
sked. “Enough details fit that I think it’s worth contacting her.”
Hannah’s heart pounded and she felt slightly ill. She read the post once more. “I think so,” she said slowly. “I mean, my parents’ names are pretty common, but the other details fit from the papers my mom had. How did you find this?” she asked.
“Oh, hours and hours and hours of looking through different forums like this. There’s a lot out there. It’s a bit of a funneling process—eventually the search starts to narrow by a process of elimination. I thought about going ahead and contacting Emma, but I wanted to talk to you first. I mean, if you’re not ready, well, we have to think about that. Plus, I doubt Emma has any idea she might have a sister. We’re going to be dealing with the reality that, if this is your sister, we’ll be breaking the news to her that her birth parents passed away and she also has a sister who had no idea she existed until a few weeks ago. That’s a lot to throw at someone.”
Dante came bounding into the kitchen. He was Faye’s latest dog, a large, shaggy mutt who looked to have German shepherd in the mix. He was still young and took a few minutes to settle down. After he attempted to climb on Hannah’s lap and then Faye’s, Faye distracted him with a chew toy, and he flung himself on the floor by their feet.
Susie returned to the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee. She sat in a chair beside Hannah and captured her gaze. “Well?” she asked.
Faye turned the laptop and pushed it toward Susie, pointing toward the screen. “Read that. I think it’s a good chance it might be the Emma we’re looking for.”
Susie scanned it quickly and looked to Hannah again. “Certainly seems like a good chance it’s her. What do you think?”
“I think your mom’s right. Now I just have to get up the nerve to send an e-mail. I can’t believe this happened so fast. Honestly, I was still trying to figure out how to talk to my relatives about it.” She sighed. “I still have to call them. We may not be that close, but if I actually find my sister, I have to tell them somehow.”
Susie responded quickly. “First things first. This may or may not be her. And you have time to figure out how to talk to your relatives. For now, I think you should write an e-mail to her, but we could give her my number or Mom’s. That way, it’s an automatic filter if she calls. You won’t be put on the spot. We’ll just take a message and go from there. How’s that sound?” she asked.
Hannah thought for a moment and found herself nodding. “That’s a good idea. If she responds through e-mail, I’ll have time to gather my thoughts. If she calls, one of you can take the message.”
Faye looked over at them both. “I think you should leave my number, not Susie’s.”
Susie opened her mouth to respond, and Faye held a hand up. “Susie, I know you, and it will be all but impossible for you to just take a message. I love that you charge through life the way you do, but this is a time when creating a little space might be a good thing. It’s not just Hannah we’re talking about here, but another person who is doing something that’s emotionally challenging even under the best of circumstances.”
Susie bit her lip and wrinkled her nose. Hannah turned to Faye. “Faye, you’re the only one who can talk to Susie like that and get away with it.”
Hannah shook her head and sobered before taking another sip of coffee. “Before I chicken out, I think I should write the e-mail now. I can log into my account online and send it from here, if that’s okay. I know myself. If you two hadn’t prodded me into letting you start searching for Emma, I’d still be thinking about it, and nothing would have happened. This way, you can read my e-mail before I actually send it.”
Susie pushed the laptop over toward Hannah. “I say keep it simple. Don’t you think?”
Hannah pulled up her Gmail account and started typing. After having Faye and Susie read the message, she added Faye’s number for a contact. Before she could talk herself out of it, she typed in the e-mail address from the forum and hit send. She looked at the clock, and Luke passed through her mind. Faye had gotten up and was washing a few dishes that had been left in the sink. They moved on to less weighty topics and started discussing Hannah’s job options. Hannah felt almost numb and was relieved to be with Faye and Susie, both intuitively understanding that she couldn’t dwell on this now.
In a short time, Susie was driving her home. Hannah felt strange just going about the rest of her day, wondering if and when she might hear from the woman who may be her sister. Susie asked her about Luke just as she turned onto Hannah’s road.
“So was I on target trying to set you up with Luke?” Susie asked slyly.
“Maybe. It’s only been a few weeks,” Hannah replied.
Susie shook her head with her curls bouncing with each turn of her head. “Of course you’d say that. I know it’s only been a few weeks, but you do seem to be spending a lot of time with him. I’m guessing you’ll see him tonight.”
“What makes you say that?” she asked.
“If you weren’t planning on it, you’d have asked me what I was doing, but you haven’t said a word. I’m just sayin’…” Susie said with a wink.
“Okay, okay. We haven’t confirmed anything yet, but yeah, I was going to call him. And much as it kills me to say it, I have to admit we have chemistry.”
Hannah’s uneasiness emerged, just talking about him. “There’s just a lot happening right now. I mean it was enough to move back on my own. Then I find those damn papers and now I’m searching for a sister I didn’t know I had. On top of that, I haven’t seriously dated in years and don’t know if I want to. I was doing just fine not seeing anyone. And I’m sure as hell not ready to talk to him about this whole sister thing,” she said.
Susie came to a stop in the driveway and turned off the engine. She looked over, the teasing look gone from her eyes. “Were you really doing fine? I wouldn’t have said so, but I was just as worried about you as your parents were for a bit there. You were running and running hard. After your parents died, it sounds like you went to the other extreme. You don’t need to live like a nun, and your parents damn sure wouldn’t have wanted that. As for Luke…I had a hunch about you two, but that’s it. He’s a decent guy. I think you should tell him about your sister. I’m all about just blurting things out.”
“The only way I may be able to talk to him about it is to blurt it out. I don’t know if I will. As for worrying about me…why didn’t you say something?”
“Because I saw how pissed off you got at your parents about it and figured it was better for you to see me as your friend than someone else on your case. Not to mention that you didn’t exactly stay still long enough for me to bring it up. If it kept up too long, I probably would have said something.”
Hannah didn’t want to meet Susie’s eyes just yet, so she looked out the car window. She propped the door open for some fresh air and rested her foot on the side. A magpie swooped low and called to another that swiftly followed. The chatter faded as they landed in a tree by the deck. She could see Jessie’s silhouette in one of the full-length windows that flanked the side door. Her ears were tilted forward.
Susie continued after a moment, “There’s not much you can do other than take everything one step at a time, cliché as that may sound. That’s for things with Luke and with whatever happens with finding your sister. Cut yourself some slack.”
Hannah took Susie’s words in and sat quietly. She gazed into the field by the house. Lupine was blooming in scattered patches, the purple flowers standing out against the tall grasses.
“I know it doesn’t help to worry. But I’ve excelled at it since Mom and Dad died. And maybe I did go to the other extreme after they died, but I was sick and tired of disappointing them. Not to mention that it wasn’t like I didn’t notice that I wasn’t making the best choices,” Hannah said. She turned to face Susie and felt tears threaten. “I get why you didn’t say anything back then, but I wish you had. Maybe I
would have gotten pissed off, but I might have listened.”
Another deep breath. “I’ll take your advice and have dinner with Luke. Maybe I’ll get up the nerve to tell him what’s going on.”
“And maybe you’ll have other things on your mind,” Susie said, her sly smile returning with full force. “Time for me to go—gotta swing by the store. Maybe we can get together with Cammi and Dara sometime this week? I ran into Cammi and she wants to see you again.”
Hannah nodded. “That’d be great. Thanks for the ride home and for…well, everything else. I’ll call you or you’ll call me as soon as one of us hears anything. About the e-mail thing, that is.”
After Susie left, Hannah let Jessie out and sat on the small bench on the deck for a few minutes in the early evening. Magpies, ever busy, flew among the trees and chattered. Considering what Susie said about those years when she did nothing but flit from one man or place to the next, Hannah experienced a twinge of remorse. She so wished she could have stopped disappointing her parents before they died. On the heels of remorse came that oh-so-familiar feeling of restlessness. Deflecting her thoughts, she slipped her phone out of her pocket and dialed Luke’s number.
Later that night, Hannah found herself back on the deck, this time with Luke. The magpies were quiet now. The sun had almost fallen below the mountains in the distance. Just an orange sliver was left, the top of the sun curved above the mountains. The heat had disappeared with the sun, and the early night air was cool. Goose bumps rose on her skin, and she wrapped her arms tight against her body. Luke stood with one hip resting against the railing. In the fading light, his profile was outlined against the sky. She was seated on the bench that faced out toward the yard with Jessie curled up beside her.
