The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill You
So you might have heard me say Spiders and said, holy crap, Szandor, spiders freak me out too! Or you might have been amongst those without latent arachnophobia who just shrugged, as if to say, what's the big deal Szandor, you fucking pussy? To the second person, fuck you, and to the first person, I'll say that it's both better and worse than you think.
The creatures we're talking about aren't actually spiders. Not the proper zoological definition of spiders. I guess they could be some mutation or genus we don't know, but they were not like anything we could find during research. They don't even have eight legs. So why do we call them Spiders? Well, if you ever saw a few running toward you, your reaction would be HOLY FUCKING SHIT SPIDERS! These are multilegged beasties whose limbs rise up similar to spiders, giving them a frantic shuffle that activates every human genetic memory of arachnophobia. Just thinking about them makes the skin on the back of my neck crawl.
So what's different from real spiders besides official classification? For one, they only have six legs, making them technically an insect. Also, they don't spin webs. They have a nesting instinct, but it's different than what we know of arachnids. They work as a collective and seem to build these resin hives like they were ants or something. They will paralyze victims with venom (okay, so the same as spiders), and the Spiders will as a group carry them back to the main nest and as they consume the victim over a long time, the body will be integrated into the growing hive. That's actually one of the more preferred deaths you can have with them, as I'll explain in a bit.
Most Spiders we've seen were big compared to their arachnid namesakes, but not necessarily that big. They're usually the size of Chihuahua, so about a foot or two in width. But they come in groups. They always come in groups. If you ever see one of these, you should freak the fuck out, since the other one's probably behind you, or above you, or already crawling up your back. Seriously, if you see a spider that's the size of a Chihuahua that isn't actually a spider, you should run. Actually, if you even see a real spider the size of a Chihuahua, you're probably better off running just to be safe[36].
Due to the severe danger of being overrun by Spiders, we consider them far more deadly head to head than anything else we fight, barring a group of revenants or I guess maybe a group of trolls, both of which rarely if ever happen. Revenants and trolls are both more dangerous in their own ways, but when it comes to being trapped in a room, a massive wave of Spiders is far more frightening. Hand to hand combat is the last possible option with Spiders and only if backed into a corner. For Spider infestation, we use firearms and explosives.
We had crossed the bridge out of town and were in the plains and foothills between New Avalon and the mines. This area has always been hot with monster activity compared to its population size. Some hunters had theories of how the mine affected monsters, but they had no real proof.
We found our destination by fluorescent paint that Delilah had marked the battered mailbox with. We were looking at a gloomy looking farm. The farmhouse and its nearby barn had peeling paint and looked either disused or outright abandoned. The fields were overgrown. Showing up here late in the day when the sun was making it descent made it feel like we were in a horror movie or that episode of Scooby Doo where the gang decided to go mystery hunting with assault rifles.
We parked near the mailbox on this side of the broken wood fence and gate. I got out with Meat and hung around while he opened the trunk. As he pulled out all the suitcases, I realized I had been driving around in a vehicle that would have gotten me very arrested if the police had stopped us. I mean, the Pork Chop Express is questionable, but most of the weapons and tools we have could be technically explained as something else, something more legal. Many of Meat's weapons were flat out illegal, and those that were legal would give any officer a moment to pause and then step backward with their hand on their weapon.
All the vehicles were parked in a row: The Pork Chop Express, Meat's SUV[37], and Dixie's converted hearse.
"You two drive a hearse?" I said incredulously when I got a good look at it. "That's so goth!"
Delilah, the closest in earshot, was not amused. But she didn't respond, she merely turned away from me and continued what she was doing. I think I just made her angry.
Mikkel patted me on the shoulder. "I would have laughed if you at least had referenced Ghostbusters."
The rear doors of all three vehicles were opened and we started doling out essential equipment. The first thing was ridiculous looking police issue body armor that we all got. Oh, it was probably not too ridiculous looking normally, but when you're thin and wiry like me, you put that armor on and you look like you're wearing a kevlar mumu. It was far more appropriate looking on Meat.
Next were our walkie-talkies. Just basic short range radio. These were crappy store bought pieces, possibly even from the kids section. They were in a chunky army green plastic that telegraphed how poorly made they were. But since the distance we needed them for was minimal and we play rather hard, we didn't need anything that was expensive or easily broken. We all tuned them to the same frequency and tested them.
Guns were distributed. Paulie grabbed a high powered rifle with a scope. I always forget that he had some brief military service. Meat had Marine training, so I figured he was comfortable with anything. He was sticking with just the small Steyr TMP machine pistol... but he was taking two of them. Two near-submachine guns were still wildly deadly, I just had expected him to take one gigantically heavy weapon due to his size - like a chain gun or a flamethrower. His light weapon choice made sense when I saw that he loaded himself up with grenades and pistols. Mikkel and Dixie got AK-47s - it was a solid weapon, so it made sense for those without a particular affinity. Delilah rounded out our group with a P90 rifle that she pulled out of a special suitcase in her car. She seemed to have a special connection with that P90.
"Okay, what do I get?" I said eagerly.
Meat handed me a shotgun. Nothing automatic, nothing super awesome, nothing armor piercing. It was in working condition, but it was just a shotgun. I might have been able to buy this one at Wal-Mart.
"What the hell?" I said. "Mikkel gets an AK and I just get a shotgun?"
Dixie and Delilah rolled their eyes and focused on other preparations. Paulie wandered off to scout. Mikkel decided now was a good time to check that his clip had been loaded properly.
"Szandor, I've seen you when we've gone to the target range," said Meat. "And I don't want you firing anything automatic or with which you would try to hit something at more than twenty paces. You're a terrible shot and I hesitate to give you any firearm. If we weren't going in hot, I wouldn't even give you any gun. But you have to protect yourself, so this one is fine. Just accept it and own it. Be the shotgun." He paused. "And try not to shoot any of us in the ass."
Mikkel and Delilah laughed, while Paulie and Dixie stoically continued what they were doing. As they all moved onto other preparations, I was still fuming. I racked a round in the shotgun and marched away from the SUV.
Flashlights ready and LED lights clipped onto our jackets for use as the sun went down, we approached the broken down wooden fence that surrounded the farmhouse. Paulie took up position at the gate, covering us with his rifle. Mikkel and Delilah took positions to either side of us, continuing forward at our flanks, while Dixie, Meat, and I walked straight toward the house.
We had gotten halfway to the front door when Paulie's voice crackled over the walkie. "Movement!"
Dixie, Meat and I raised our guns, looking around us. We didn't see anything. "Where and what?" said Dixie over the walkie finally.
"In the house. Looked like it could be a person."
Meat nodded. "I'm going for the door, you two cover my ass," he said.
I nodded and took up a position to the side of the wooden stairs. Dixie crouched on the walkway. Meat turned and climbed the wooden steps to the front door. Each step creaked under his weight. He knocked on the door wit
h the butt of one of the Steyrs.
For a moment, there was just silence and we wondered if we were wasting time.
"Movement!" called Paulie again over the walkie.
Then we heard a creaking step inside the house. Then another. And another. They were slow steps, an almost meaningful pause after each one. Eventually they were right in front of the door. We tentatively aimed at the door.
With a long creak as jarring and agonizing as someone opening a bag of chips in the library, the door opened.
The house was dark, so I could see that someone was standing there, but I couldn't really see much about him. The person was humanoid, and the by the fact that he hadn't leapt upon us and tried to chew out our spleens, I was pretty sure he wasn't a ghoul.
"Hello," said the figure, the word a long sound slurred out of its mouth.
"Hello," said Meat, his voice guarded.
"Huh-huh-hellooooo," said the person again. "Huh-howarrrrr yoouuu?"
I lowered my shotgun, then clicked on my flashlight. I shined it up into the person's face. At first I didn't think he was a monster. He looked initially human. He had the white-trash farmer look going: white undershirt, overalls, dumb expression, glassy eyes. Of course that might not be fair, the dumb expression and glassy eyes might have been because he was dead.
Undead.
No, not zombie undead. Not Dracula undead. Not necromancer-for-hire undead. He was undead in the way that he was actually just a dead person whose body was being moved by some other creature.
There were other telltale signs, such as the bluish gray skin, his lack of changing facial expressions, his difficulty speaking, and of course, if you turned him around, the big fucking Spider embedded in his back. Remember before when I alluded to worse ways of dying from Spiders? Here it is. They half burrow into your spine somehow take a very loose control of your nervous system. They move you around to trick other people into coming to help you or opening their doors. I think I'd rather be eaten than have my corpse lurching around with a Spider in my back. Of course, dead Spider and live Me wins as most preferable in every case.
The telltale sign this was a Spider puppet and not a real zombie was the talking. Zombies don't talk. But the puppets will try to say something in a slurring voice to try to lure you. We weren't being fooled.
Meat let loose with his Steyr, the first sound of gunfire sounding like thunder in the stillness of the farm. The puppet fell backward. Once he hit the ground, a Spider started trying to detach itself from under him. A loud burst from Meat's gun caused it to burst into blue ichor.
"Enemies confirmed and they know we're here," said Meat. "We're going in."
"We're going in?" I asked. "Why the hell are we going into a dark, enclosed space with a bunch of Spiders on the loose?"
"No one's given the order to go in," said Dixie, trying to regain control.
Mikkel and Delilah walked up to join us at the front of the house.
"We need to find the hive," said Meat. "The house makes sense from a tactical standpoint and that's where the Spiders had their puppet. We need to head inside and destroy the hive."
"We don't yet know it's in the house," said Mikkel.
"Even if it's in the house," I said, "Can't we just, like, burn down the entire house?"
"We need a confirmed kill on the hive, Szandor, you know this," said Meat. "If we don't get the hive, they will survive and move elsewhere. We need to check the house, even the cellar."
"Guys - " started Dixie.
"The cellar? Fuck that, I'm not going into the cellar," I said. "Mikkel, are you going into the cellar?"
Mikkel just shrugged.
"Guys - " started Dixie again.
"What if the hive is in the barn over there?" I said. "Let's check the barn before we go into a scary enclosed space teeming with creatures who climb walls and ceilings."
"Guys - " started Dixie again. Mikkel later told me that she looked as though she was going to shoot laser beams out of her eyes to kill Meat and I.
"I know that this is simple nervousness on your part and not cowardice in the line of duty," said Meat diplomatically[38], "but we need you to man up and do your job. We need to clear out the house."
"SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE SCUMBAGS! I'M SICK OF YOUR FUCKING SHIT ASS FUCKING BICKERING YOU FUCKASS FUCKING BULLSHIT ASSHOLES!"
In shock, Meat and I turned to Delilah, who had started screaming at us at massive volume.
"IF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES WOULD FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FUCKING LISTEN YOU WOULDN'T BE SUCH FUCKING IDIOTIC FUCKHEADS."
Dixie cleared her throat and put her hand on Delilah's shoulder to calm her. "I think they got the message, Del," she said. "And so did the whole farm, I think."
"Sorry, Dix," said Delilah in a low voice.
After hearing all that prolific cursing, I think I had a new crush.
"If you might remember, this is my Call to Arms," said Dixie. "So no matter the size of your dicks, I'm calling the shots here. Got it?" I smiled at Meat getting chewed out for trying to take command. Then she added, "Got it, both of you?" Then I lost my smile as I realized I was also being chastised.
Meat and I both agreed in low, mumbly tones.
"While we didn't step onto the property until tonight for fear of alerting them," said Dixie, "we scouted from outside the fence and with Paulie's drone."
I had no idea Paulie had a drone. It made some sense knowing who he was, but I still hadn't realized he actually had one. I needed to ask him if I could try flying it.
"There are three possible places for the hive," said Dixie. "The house, the barn, and the fields. Based on the drone flyover, we don't believe anything is in the fields, but we had one section we didn't get a good look. Regardless, we're going to focus on the house and the barn. We could all search the house at once, but with our tension and our weapons, I think it may be better to split up."
"I ain't going in that house," I said. "I'll check the barn."
"We can't let you go alone," said Meat. "Operating protocol is nobody goes anywhere alone. Always with at least another person..."
"We don't have an operating protocol," I said. "You have an operating protocol. You have a goddamn everything protocol! And that's not even operating protocol! It's the goddamn Buddy System!"
"Szandor, shut the fuck up already," said Dixie.
"I just don't want to go in the house," I said, immediately regretting it. I don't know why I said that; I should have just shut up. It was like it was queued up in my brain and I couldn't stop it even when I knew better.
"Yeah, I got that, fuckhead, now shut the fuck up for once," said Dixie. "The house is likely the more dangerous one because of tighter rooms, so that will be our main focus. Here's what we're doing. Meat, Del, and I will search the house. Szandor, you're on the barn and you're taking Mikkel with you. Paulie will climb up on the van and overwatch as a sniper. I especially want him watching the fields. I don't want hostiles coming out of them while we're otherwise distracted." She paused and swung her eyes from Meat to me. "Anybody got a problem with that?" Her tone was daring us to have a problem with that at our own peril.
"Splitting our forces means we're not hitting either at full strength," warned Meat, his voice careful.
"Arguing with each other already means we're not at full strength," said Dixie, her tone acidic.
Meat paused, but to his credit then nodded.
Dixie asked Meat to inform Paulie, so the big man walked away. Delilah decided to recheck her gun as Dixie moved closer to Mikkel and I. She ran her hand across her hair, which was pulled back in a tight ponytail.
"I seriously don't need this shit," she said, more to Mikkel than me.
"I'll keep my brother in line," said Mikkel with a smile.
"You two be very careful," said Dixie. "I'd prefer it if none of us got hurt."
"The same," said Mikkel, shaking hands with her. I nodded reluctantly, as did Delilah.
Mikkel and I turned toward the b
arn and started walking. I was glad to have my brother with me, knowing how we see eye to eye on things and that he always has my back.
"If a Spider kills me in the barn, I'm blaming you," said Mikkel.
Up close, the barn looked even creepier. The red paint was so obviously peeling that I could see it even before we got close. The wood was rotting. There was an unplaceable smell that wafted off it that I knew was not manure. While I had made a big fuss about not going into the house, I wasn't enthusiastic about going in the barn either. There was still the option of Spiders dropping down on us from above. But since the roof was higher, there was more of a possibility of us dodging, rather than them being just a foot or two above our heads.
The roar of gunfire erupted from behind us in the house. We both looked back at the house meaningfully but resisted an urge to go run off on a half cocked rescue. We were only hearing burst fire. That was controlled and theoretically meant there was not a problem. It would be the panic-induced spray of full auto that we would need to worry about. Besides that, they were expecting us to be at the barn. Showing up in the house unannounced might get us shot.
We turned back to the barn doors.
"So which of us is opening the doors?" said Mikkel.
"You?" I said looking at him hopefully.
Mikkel shook his head. "I'm invoking the right of seniority."
"C'mon, don't pull that big brother shit now," I said.
"It makes sense for you to open them anyway," he said. "You have the shotgun, I have a rifle. I can get off a few shots, while you need to reload after one. If more than one thing is coming out of there, then we'll appreciate that I'm covering you."
"You are expecting us to get bum rushed?" I said, maybe a little more nervously than I am proud of.
"No. Well, maybe. It's a possibility. Let's open the barn doors and find out."
"You're not inspiring confidence," I said.
I Kill Monsters Page 17
