by Purple Hazel
Ozzie exited, and drove into a parking lot in front of a convenience store. Tooth Fairy directed him to a stall where a device would extend from a large kiosk, automatically plugging into an “outlet” located on the side of his car. He then directed Ozzie to “sit back and relax man, we’re gonna be here a while.” During that time, he asked Ozzie some more about their adventures with Space Programme. Learned all about the mission to Kapteyn B, the years up in space, the crazy times onboard, and of course the hellish existence out on the planet surface. It took half an hour to recharge the battery—plenty of time to hear everyone’s story.
“Man...that’s so fucked up,” commented Tooth Fairy. “So they took you three...when you were little kids...and you were all orphans, too?”
Ozzie nodded, “Yep. Then, after landin’ on an alien planet ’n buildin’ a colony there...’n nearly gettin’ ourselves lost in space on the way back...we come back ta’ find nobody really gave two shits about us. Meanwhile our twins have all gotten famous—one way ’r another, anyway. Thus the real paradox.”
Tooth Fairy turned to face him when he made this comment. Up to that point, he’d been staring out the window, absorbing this information and trying to get his head around how scientists could do something like this. Separating three sets of identical twins and taking ten-year-old children with them up into space? While leaving the others—all orphans no less—to have to fend for themselves? Alone? It just didn’t seem ethical. Even a small-time drug dealer, selling Toradol, Ritalin, and Adderall out of a college frat house, could see that.
Yet that wasn’t all that perplexed the young man. To be fair, he may have been a stoner—and a peddler of narcotics—and a half-assed student at best. But he’d also passed the entrance requirements to one of North America’s top public research universities. He certainly didn’t lack intelligence. Paradox? Just what was Oswaldo Guerrero referring to by saying this?
“Paradox?” he asked clarifying. “Why do you say that, Ozzie?”
“Hmmmph. Well, the paradox...for lack of a better way to say it...is just who the hell are we now?” answered the big astronaut.
“You mean you and Shamiso...and Young-Min Jo?” asked Tooth Fairy. Ozzie nodded silently.
“Oh,” observed Tooth Fairy, chuckling a bit when he realized the potential misapplication of the term. “I think the word you want there is quandary. A quandary is a practical dilemma. A paradox? Um...let’s see if I remember this from class...a paradox is a self-contradictory statement which at first seems true. It’s like...a statement that has two truths—which can’t both be true at the same time. Does that make sense?”
Ozzie continued nodding, ruminating on the clever insight he’d just gleaned from the young college student. Then after a long pause, they looked at each other...realizing almost simultaneously what had just been implied.
* * * *
“Okay, who’s drivin’ next?” bellowed Ozzie. At the time, Shamiso and Young-Min Jo had stirred and were now exiting the back of the car, stretching and yawning trying to wake themselves up. Both desperately needed to pee after sitting for so long in that big sedan. Neither answered.
While recharging Tooth Fairy’s car, Ozzie and the young fellow eventually stepped out of the vehicle to stretch their legs. They then stood outside while the young fellow had a smoke. They talked college philosophy, college girls, college sports, and college life. Ozzie absorbed it like a sponge. Needless to say, Tooth Fairy was in with just about everyone on campus.
The athletes over at the athletic dormitory bought painkillers from him. The stoners in the dormitories bought psychedelics from him. The frat boys bought speed, to help them concentrate studying for exams. And the sorority girls? Oh they were great customers too, he happily pointed out, whenever he actually charged them that is. Many times he didn’t. They had other ways of...compensating him.
“Yeah, I make about three visits a week to the sorority houses near campus. Those ‘r my favorites. Girls love me over there. Gamma Thetas especially. Those are some horny bitches, let me tell ya’. Got me many a blowjob after a late-night delivery.”
“I get it,” observed Ozzie, looking out at the city lights of Gary, Indiana. “You kinda remind me of ’ole Gary Kinkorama back on the ship. Ensign Orem. He was always the schemer. Had a big long pecker on him—like a dang fire hose. Surfer dude from California. Set up wild sex parties in the Virch back durin’ the return mission. That was our virtual reality chamber onboard, see? Ever-body went there to relax ’n enjoy themselves.” Tooth Fairy took a long drag off his cigarette while his eyes widened. Ozzie continued.
“Then we had them boys over in the Hydroponic Garden section...what were they called? Oh yeah...the Garden Geeks. Them boys got a lot o’ pussy carryin’ around fresh tuh-maters ’n sweet peppers with cannabis in ’em...to all the gals workin’ on the ship. Then that ’ole Gary Orem? Once in a while he’d find one of ’em—one o’ those girls in the crew—who had an even bigger itch to scratch—if you know what I mean. And he’d arrange ta’ have four ’r five guys have a go at her. With the girl’s permission of course.”
The young man exhaled his smoke and practically choked, laughing excitedly. “Seriously?” he coughed.
Tooth Fairy had never heard of such things. Sounded like Ozzie had experienced a much wilder time than he, being up in space with so many bored, pent-up women for so long. To him, with all the harsh realities of living on Earth: cold winters, the pressures of society, growing up as a teenager, crime and violence in the cities, disease and death...maybe Ozzie’s life up in space wasn’t really that bad.
“Man, Ozzie,” chuckled Tooth Fairy, still coughing occasionally and clearing his throat. “That sounds...jeez...that’s fuckin cool man! You had all that? And came back to this? Why?” He then laughed hoarsely for a while. “Man, I don’t know ‘bout you, but I’d be askin’ ’em to sign me up for another mission!”
And though Ozzie attempted to temper the young man’s glowing imagery of the supposed pristine existence of life in space, his assurances fell on deaf ears—even when comparing his brother’s fame and glory as a Megaball star to Ozzie’s forgotten achievements as an astronaut. That’s where Tooth Fairy suddenly became the wise teacher dispensing sage advice.
“Nah, bro’, seriously. Let me stop ya’ there. I can’t understand why you’d be so jealous of your brother Ranger,” stated Tooth Fairy. “I see what those athletes go through. I sell drugs to ’em, too. Like I told you—they’re always buyin’ shit from me. School gives ’em a stipend for living expenses each month. Some spend it on chicks ’n goin’ out to get laid once in a while, but many more...they spend that cash on painkillers. Gotta have ’em. It’s sad.”
“They’re gladiators, man,” he then said. “No choice but to get a boost from ’ole Tooth Fairy on game day...or the night before, when they’re stressed out, bruised up, and need to sleep. Sometimes they’ll be texting me for drugs at two in the morning—just tryin’ to make it through the night. Hidin’ injuries from their coaches so they can still play on Saturdays, man. Shit. Ain’t nothin’ I’d be jealous of. Don’t know why you would either.”
Spoken like a true philosopher. Ozzie had pretty much reached the same conclusion already, by the way. And perhaps that was the real paradox after all. He could imitate “Ranger” Guerrero—in every way, shape or form. He could dress like him, speak like him, walk like him—perhaps even—with time—achieve greatness once more on the field.
He had most of his brother’s athletic abilities. He could tap into years of his twin’s knowledge about the game to guide him through the pitfalls of competing at the highest levels. But he’d never truly be the man—never come to understand why Práxedis went through all he had to endure, to play such a violent sport.
“Just look what you got, bro’,” added the young college student, with a three-day beard, and already a rather prevalent smoker’s hack at such a young age. But Ozzie wondered what the kid might say next, if he’d continued. How
would Tooth Fairy evaluate the life he was leading now? What wisdom could the youngster impart on what he—and the other twins—had let themselves become?
Yet there was no time. And there was no need. Ozzie had a purpose now. He was in charge of a crew once again: His girlfriend. His long-time best friend. And a prisoner, so to speak, now-turned humorously charming, not to mention occasionally philosophical, sidekick. Meanwhile Young-Min was returning from the public restroom.
“So what’s the verdict, Ensign?” Ozzie inquired. Young-Min Jo had been first out of the bathroom, and was now exiting the store, pausing as he saw his former colleague from Santa Maria standing next to their new riding mate. Oswaldo Guerrero was now addressing him, somewhat formally, from the sidewalk in front of the store. Young-Min Jo had purchased a hot cup of coffee, already anticipating this question.
“I’ll drive next,” he said, gingerly sipping the drink and wincing at how it scorched his lips. “Where are we anyway? And what time is it?”
“Chicago...almost. But are you sure? You know how to drive one of these things already?” asked Ozzie, not sure if Young-Min had learned how to operate a solar-powered vehicle since they’d returned to Earth. In his case it had taken only an hour or two to get the hang of it. Was Young-Min up to the task? It was pushing 23:00 hours at the time, and he’d be looking at eight hours of darkness to have to deal with.
“Yeah, I can handle it,” replied Young-Min Jo. “I’ve seen people doing it since we’ve been back. Looks pretty simple really. Engage the transmission into “D” for drive. Steer with your hands. Right pedal is for accelerating. Left pedal is for braking. Nothin’ to it.” They’d long-since disconnected the vehicle’s remote guidance system…did that back in Detroit.
“Wait.”— heh-heh—“Is he serious? He’s never drove a car before?” protested Tooth Fairy nervously. “Man there’s a lot more to it than that. I mean, you definitely got the basics ’n all. But—”
“But what?” interrupted Young-Min, visibly annoyed. “It doesn’t look that complicated. And besides, we can’t let you drive. We’d never know where you’re taking us.”
To this Ozzie reacted calmly, “Nah-nah, Bones, he’s alright. I been talkin’ to him. He’ll behave now. We’ve already taken his car. He’s missin’ classes tomorrow ’cause of us. Least we can do is cut him some slack.”
Young-Min wasn’t so amenable to the idea though. “Now Oz, you know I’d never argue with you ’bout things like this, but seriously, this guy almost tipped off Zero to our location earlier today...and now you want us to let him drive the car again? C’mon. Isn’t that a little dangerous?”
Ozzie thought about it a moment. No way he’d have Young-Min Jo, fresh from a nap, and agitated from pumping caffeine into his veins, try driving a car for the first time—at night—all the way across Illinois and Iowa to South Dakota. Meanwhile Shamiso was exiting the convenience store right behind him. “Whatcha?” she said, sleepily. “What’d I miss? And where are we anyway? Is this Rapid City?”
“No, darlin’ it ain’t,” chuckled Ozzie. “Nearly to Chicago. We’re just discussing who’s gonna take over drivin’ duties for now. Myself, I need a break.”
“Bugger,” she sighed, rolling her eyes. “Well, I’m not drivin’ that thing. Uh-uh. Count me out. I say we let old Tooth Fairy do the drivin’ for a while. And one o’ you blokes sit up front with ’im to make sure he don’t pull another fast one on us. I’d rather go back and finish that lovely dream I was havin’.”
“Makes sense to me. How ’bout it Bones?” asked Ozzie, crossing his arms. He was starting to feel the fatigue from the game the night before. Needed some sleep before they took on the challenges of another day—and any possible run-ins with Young-Min’s fearsome security chief. Young-Min agreed. Under the circumstances, it was the best possible alternative.
“Alright then, guys,” sighed Young-Min. “I’ll ride shotgun until morning. I’ll go buy us a map of North America. They were selling electronic map guides next to the checkout counter.”
“That okay with you Tooth Fairy?” asked Ozzie. “Think you can show him how to drive tonight?”
Tooth Fairy nodded, dropping his cigarette into a butt can behind him. “Yeah, I got me a pretty good nap comin’ down from Detroit. Bet I can manage it for a few hours. I’ll show him how it’s done.” Then he walked a few paces toward the car before turning to ask one more rather pertinent question. “And by the way, where are we going anyway? You guys have some destination in mind or what?”
“Black Hills, buddy. The Badlands. South Dakota,” answered Ozzie. It didn’t matter how much Tooth Fairy knew now. He knew practically everything else. Only thing no one knew was just how far away it was. That was up to Young-Min Jo to figure out. He was now going to be their navigator—at least for the time being.
Chapter 18
Crazy Horse
It was now mid-afternoon, a little past 14:00 hours, as their big sedan approached the outskirts of the city. By then almost everyone had taken a turn driving, even Shamiso. She’d never operated anything like a car before, and she rather enjoyed it—for about an hour anyway. Then a large freight hauler passed her on the left, and a crosswind almost blew her onto the shoulder of the highway! After that, she was no longer liking it. At the next rest stop, she yielded the helm to Young-Min once more.
He’d driven since just after ten that day. By then Tooth Fairy had pretty much given up hope of making it back to Ann Arbor in time for his classes that week.
“Anyone still up?” exclaimed Young-Min, starting to feel a bit stressed. The signs were announcing exits for Rapid City, and this concerned him. Had been for some time. He’d had hours and hours sitting in that car, several of them driving, and during those long stretches, he’d been thinking about their situation. Once again, things simply weren’t adding up in his mind.
He kept going over it too—kept expecting something to have happened by now. Only nothing had. Truth was, they’d had no trouble whatsoever. Not really anyway. A few stressful bathroom breaks at roadside rest areas, with Young-Min scouting the highway looking for a Min-Pharma limousine to pull up almost any second. Never occurred. They’d sped all the way across Iowa that morning, and now most of South Dakota, seeing neither hide nor hair of Zero, nor her big Samoans. Were they still following them? Should someone finally call Space Programme?
“We’re coming up on Rapid City guys. Hello back there? Anybody?” Everyone was up. They were simply in a daze, that’s all. Ozzie had slept intermittently the night before and part of that morning. Shamiso had gotten so bored while crossing the Great Plains she’d run out of things to do...run out of things to think about, dream about, or talk about. “Yes, Ensign Jo,” she replied patronizingly, “we copy that. I see it, too.” Tooth Fairy had noticed as well.
“So...what now guys?” asked the affable fraternity boy. “Am I uh, dropping you guys somewhere in town or what?”
Young-Min Jo was not about to trust the guy. Not even now. He ignored the kid’s naïve question completely and shook his head dismissively. Ozzie meanwhile was snapping out of his dizzy haze and responding. “We’ll let you know soon enough, buddy. Bones...is somethin’ bothering ya’ man?” It certainly was. Just like the afternoon before, when Tooth Fairy had suddenly appeared out of the blue offering them a ride, he just couldn’t get it out of his head how “easy” this had been. Too easy. Again, it all seemed like a perfect setup.
“Oz, I just don’t know what I think right now. But in the past few hours, it’s really started getting to me. Can’t quite put a finger on it. I mean, have you put any thought into how fucking simple this has been? No close calls. No cars out here on the highway looking like they were following us?”
Shamiso reacted first. “Well, good. What are we bitching about then? Let’s just drive past this city, like you said, ’n turn our communicators on so we can call Monika Steckel. Besides, we need to get somethin’ to eat soon, or I might have to start dining on Tooth Fairy here.�
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The young fellow chuckled a bit, then stopped laughing after a second when he began to consider she might be serious.
“Wait, hold on now, Bones. What’re you gettin’ at?” asked Ozzie, returning to his former self quickly when he heard the ensign’s logic. Up to now he’d only considered the possibility that they’d outrun Zero and her henchmen for two days and now they were coming to the end of his brother’s drug network. Other than that he’d put no more thought into it.
“You thinkin’ all this time they been waitin’ for us...in town?” clarified Ozzie Guerrero. “Settin’ up an ambush?” Tooth Fairy started to chuckle, but held his breath at the last second. Shamiso, who was in the front seat, had now turned to face Young-Min behind the wheel, and was simultaneously eyeing Ozzie.
“What else is there to consider...as a possibility I mean?” Young-Min asked concernedly. “At the very least they must be following a hundred kilometers back, but shit...we’ve passed through so many cities along the way where Zero would have had operatives she could have sent out to—”
“To what, babes?” interrupted Shamiso. “Run us off the road? Shoot us? What for? Think about it. Use your own logic, mate. We ain’t called nobody. If they been monitorin’ us, they’d know if we did. But we ain’t done it, so...maybe they ain’t found us yet. I mean how the fuck do they know which way we went? Have you thought o’ that?”
He had. That was the problem. If they had been spotted by one of Zero’s people along the open road, what could they do? Report back to her? That’s about it. Based on this, all Zero could really do is...
“Wait!” Young-Min exclaimed. “Oh Meeso! You’re a genius.” To this, Shamiso shrugged her shoulders and commented, “Yeah. Been told that before. What of it?” This somehow caused Young-Min to start cackling with laughter. He’d obviously had too much coffee the night before.
