by Kate Temple
Also, by the way, you haven’t moved all morning. You’re just staring at the 3D printer while it prints Jenny Philpot’s piglet-shaped teacups. Are you hypnotised? Do you need to go to the sick bay (because I’m not taking you, because there are NO class points in it anymore)? So are you hypnotised, or are you just sad about going last? Don’t be too sad. It’s printing heaps faster than I thought, so we might get to do our designs tomorrow. Have you worked out what you’re even going to print? I’m totally printing little woodland fairies to put in my pass-the-parcels that I’m making out of bark and banana leaves.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
It’s true. I was a bit down watching everyone else get to print their designs instead of me. But then something happened … I was just watching the amazing 3D printer make Lucas Terrazzo’s model of the international space station (thank goodness Ms Fennel said he couldn’t print a life-size version like he wanted!). Anyway, there I was, feeling super glum, but then I got hypnotised by the 3D printer and it started SPEAKING to me! And it said, ‘Jimmy, you are awesome and smell like cake’, and then it gave me the most fantastic, brilliant, wonderful AND amazing idea. So now I know EXACTLY what I’m going to print AND I’m not telling YOU. It’s something for my birthday party, and once I print it, EVERYONE will want to come to my party and YOU will need to move your party and that will be the end of that.
Yours inspirationally,
Captain Jimmy Cook
P.S. Also the 3D printer told me his real name is Sir Gordon Plomp, and before he was a 3D printer, he was a space potato farmer.
Dear Jimmy,
Okay, where do I start?
Firstly, the 3D printer is not YOUR FRIEND and is not called Sir Gordon Plomp and he was never a potato farmer—not in space, not anywhere. It can’t talk, because it’s a printer. But if it could, it would probably be a GIRL anyway.
Also, you are not stealing all my party guests with some 3D-printed squid or whatever. Besides, I don’t think kids are going to be as excited as you think they are. I’m pretty sure people will be much MORE interested in my jelly fountain and in the end, everyone will want to come to MY party instead.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
You can say what you like, Alice Toolie. I know a brilliant idea when it lands on my head like an atomic cow poo playing the French horn.
My top-secret idea is the best idea EVER and word has already gotten out (I think Sir Gordon Plomp might have started the rumour?) that I’m about to print something so amazing it will make history, Alice Toolie.
Yours epically,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Sir Gordon Plomp (aka the 3D printer!) did not tell anyone anything. YOU DID! I know you’re telling everyone that you have the world’s best 3D-printing idea that’s going to make everyone want to go to your dead snowman party. What is it anyway?
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Something totally incredible, of course. You’ll see.
Yours magically,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
It’s a brick. That’s not really impressive, I’m sorry to say. Basically NO ONE CARES about a brick. Not trying to be mean or anything, but a brick is JUST a brick. I don’t think a brick will make anyone want to go to your party. What are you going to do with it, anyway? Play ‘Pin the Tail on the Brick’? Or ‘Pass-the-Brick’?
Nice try. Well, it’s home time now, so I’ll see you tomorrow, I guess. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BRICK.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
JIMMY COOK
COME AND SEE ME AT ONCE AND EXPLAIN WHY THE 3D PRINTER HAS GONE WILD. IT IS RUNNING RED-HOT AND HAS PRINTED OVER 500 BRICKS OVERNIGHT.
IT CANNOT BE TURNED OFF UNTIL IT FINISHES PRINTING.
MS FENNEL
Dear Jimmy,
OMG! OMGG! OMGGG! What have you done, Jimmy Cook!? The entire classroom is FULL of your stupid 3D-printed bricks! There are literally MILLIONS of them! Jenny Philpot’s desk is closest to the 3D printer and it’s like TOTALLY buried. I think she might even be stuck under the avalanche! Apparently it’s been printing these bricks ALL NIGHT! Ms Fennel can’t even turn it off and she’s like a total expert at 3D printing!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
It’s not really my fault. See, I wasn’t sure if it would print enough bricks to make an igloo for my party, so I sent the design through a few extra times, but not 600 times (at least I think I didn’t). People should stop accusing me of sending a million bricks to the printer and just face facts—Sir Gordon Plomp just really likes printing bricks!
Yours defensively,
Captain Jimmy Cook
I don’t know if I can be seen writing to you right now. No one can STOP the printer from printing those bricks! It’s not even stopping when Ms Fennel tries to cancel all the backed-up bricks it wants to print. She was going to turn it off at the wall, but then we reminded her that she told us to NEVER TURN IT OFF AT THE WALL during printing.
Dear Alice,
You know the old saying: if it rains lemons, ride a centipede? Well, that’s a bit like right now. Sure, it’s a problem that half the class have had to move their desks so that they don’t get stuck in a 3D-printed brickalanche, but on the bright side, I have SO many bricks! I’ll be able to make the best igloo ever for my party! The bad news is that the printer is making some pretty weird noises now and printing WAY too fast. I hope it hasn’t gone crackers!
Yours centipedically,
Captain Jimmy Cook
It has TOTALLY gone crackers! Emily Hoskins swears it just called her a banana brain and then spat at her like a llama! I’m scared! I think it’s trying to block the door with all those bricks and then it’s going to eat us!
Dear Alice,
By golly! You’re right! It’s trying to trap us in and take over the class! It’s a mutiny! MUTINY!!! It’s not even just printing bricks now—it’s printing any old random thing. Casper N said it just printed a blob that looked exactly like a dog poo, which is sort of cool but also NOT what it’s supposed to be printing.
Yours desperately,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
It just printed a huge pile of CAT VOMIT!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Now it’s printing slugs with butts! We need to get out of here!
We need to save the class! We need lifeboats! Get the women and children out first (that’s everyone). Evacuate!
SOS
Yours perishingly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Jimmy and Alice,
Thank you for helping to evacuate the class. However, it was not necessary to barricade the door with all the class furniture or try to hail a passing helicopter. I have managed to perform an emergency stop on the printer. It looks like the 3D printer has now stopped printing and will need a well-deserved rest. Please ensure ALL the bricks are removed from class.
Ms Fennel
Dear Alice,
I certainly think we both deserve some kind of award for saving the day like that. I have to say, it was a close one. As a captain of the high seas, I have faced all kinds of menace. I’ve wrestled giant squids, beaten pirates in a pie-eating contest and even outsmarted a cuttlefish in a game of chess (by the way, cuttlefish are 650 times smarter than humans so that’s REALLY impressive), BUT that 3D printer almost killed us. We’re lucky to be alive. Good job.
Yours amazingly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Alice,
You didn’t respond.
Yours magnetically,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Alice,
Why aren’t you writing back??? Are you in shock because we all nearly got eaten
by a 3D printer? Did the printer steal your memories? Have you been hypnotised?
Yours most concerned,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
I have NOT been hypnotised or whatever.
I AM CROSS MOSTLY AT YOU!!! While you’ve been busy doing that silly victory dance and making up songs about how great you are and collecting up your stupid bricks, you might have liked to notice that there is only ONE person in the class who did NOT get to use the 3D printer before you broke it with your six million bricks. THAT PERSON IS ME! And I needed to print out my woodland princess tiaras for my birthday party. You have ruined EVERYTHING. I am officially NOT TALKING TO YOU!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I’m really sorry you didn’t get a chance to use the 3D printer. I really didn’t know that sending so many bricks would break it. I guess I thought that since it was technology from the future, it would easily be able to print some bricks. I mean, it’s not like I asked it to print a ham sandwich using a hamster, right?
Yours indignantly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Before you say anything like ‘I thought you weren’t talking to me’, I want to make it clear that this is NOT talking, this is writing and I am still NOT talking to you. The only reason I’m writing to you is because it’s now LESS than a week to go until MY PARTY!! And you still haven’t moved YOUR party yet. There’s no more Ms Nice Lady from me. We need to sort this out now, once and for all. No more cake-offs. No more jelly bean guessing.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Okay, you have a point, our birthday parties are this weekend and my mum keeps asking how many people she needs to make husky dog cakes for. Luckily for you, I’ve been thinking about it already and as usual I have actually come up with the perfect plan! Are you ready to hear it?
Yours cunningly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Not really, but tell me if you must.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I must. Here it is:
We swap parties!
I go to YOUR party while you come to MY party! That way, we both get to have our parties AND we both get to go to a party! How great is that?? I told you it was a fantastic idea!
Yours geniusly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Um … no. That is like the WORST plan I have ever heard. I don’t want to go to your freezing explorer party and eat frozen dog food or whatever, and miss out on my own AMAZING party that I’ve been planning for like three hundred years?!?!?
And while I’m shivering at your weird party, you’ll be feasting on fairy cakes and getting your hair braided at MY Woodland Princess tea party? Absolutely not. I think it’s time to face facts. We might need to cancel our parties.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Nice try! I know what you’re playing at and it’s not going to work. You don’t get to be a captain like I am by falling for tricks like that. You want me to cancel my party so then everyone goes to your party instead! You don’t need X-ray vision to see through that plan, although I do have part X-ray vision in one eye. It’s time to put our heads together, Alice.
Yours optically,
Captain Jimmy Cook
If you have part X-ray vision, then what colour undies is Mr Shufflebottom wearing today? Also I’m not so sure that if we put our heads together, we’ll sort this one out. I’ll probably just get nits.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I’ll have you know, I haven’t had nits for over a month! And also, they weren’t actually nits, they were space fleas. Totally different and space fleas actually make you smarter. I wish I had some now, so I could solve this birthday disaster. Also, now that I think about it, I wouldn’t really want to swap parties anyway. I mean, I really don’t want to miss out on husky chocolate droppings and frozen flavoured stalactites! I wonder what Douglas Mawson would do in this situation?
Yours questioningly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Who or what is a Douglas Mawson? One of your imaginary friends? Is it the name of your dishwasher? Also, about that nutty birthday swap idea … EXACTLY! I don’t want to miss out on dried fruit tiaras and sparkle cones just to eat old snow.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Douglas Mawson is only the greatest ever Antarctic explorer in the world! He basically snowboarded across the biggest iceberg in the world and had to eat his dog!!
Yours truthfully,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
YUCK! Eating your own dog? That’s sooooo gross! And VERY mean. You do know I have an eggcup schngrooodle-itzu at home? If you don’t, check out my Youtootube channel that’s completely dedicated to my dog.
Dear Alice,
Thank you, I am familiar with your dog, Emperor Fluffy Pants! If you were ever serious about an Antarctic expedition though, I’d probably leave him at home and get yourself a husky. Now THAT would be something I would like on your Youtootube page! But you know what, Douglas Mawson didn’t want to eat his dog he did it to survive! He had no choice. It’s just like us, Alice.
Yours desperately,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
There is NO WAY I’m eating Emperor Fluffy Pants!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
You can’t rule anything out. These are dark times. The 3D printer is busted. Our birthday dreams have been blasted away in a blizzard and it looks like there’s no escape. You’re not moving your party. I’m not moving mine. I don’t often say this … but we might have to face facts. Just like the Arctic explorers, we’re destined to PERISH in an igloo and never eat birthday cake again.
But never fear, I have one last idea left …
Yours defiantly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but … okay, WHAT IS IT?
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
We build a time-splitting device using magnets, wires and rotten fruit and it will separate time and create a new dimension so we can have our parties at the same time and go to both!
Yours originally,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
I knew I shouldn’t have asked! Lucky for you, I have an idea. Not one of your crackpot, harebrained ideas. But a really, really, TROOLIE good idea that might just save the day. Do you want to hear it?
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
YES! TELL ME!!!
For the love of Emperor Fluffy Pants,
TELL ME!!!
Yours urgently,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Okay, but first let me tell YOU a little story.
Once upon a time, there was this LOVELY howler monkey mermaid named Balice Poolie. Balice was planning a super-enchanted birthday party in her rainbow palace, and because she was such a nice mermaid monkey, she decided to invite ALL HER FRIENDS in the galaxy.
But then something bad happened. This strange, one-eyed elephant called Plimmy, who had one tusk made of poo, decided to have his mouldy zucchini party on the same day and at the same time.
All of Balice’s friends in the rainbow galaxy were so upset because they didn’t know what to do. And even though they all wanted to go to Balice’s party, they couldn’t, because the big stinky elephant WOULDN’T move his rotten vegetable party. Balice asked him VERY nicely, but he still wouldn’t move it, and instead he just farted and spat radioactive fish heads at her :( :( :(
But Balice was a kind and wonderful howler monkey mermaid, so instead of firing atomic banana las
ers at him, she decided that they should stop fighting and share their birthday parties. And all their friends came to THE ENCHANTED RAINBOW MOULDY ZUCCHINI PARTY and it was the BEST party EVER ;)
Dear Alice,
Thanks for your story about Plimmy! But I’m sorry to say, this really isn’t the time to be thinking about Plimmy. We should be coming up with an answer to this birthday problem before it’s too late.
Lucky for you, I just had an AMAZING idea while reading your Plimmy story!
What if we had a COMBINED birthday party?!?!?!?!? I can’t believe I didn’t think of it earlier!!!
