Part C. The PrinciplesPart C. The Principles
1. God Has A Plan For You – Sunday 21st August (second half ) .
All God needs are available people.
“So Baby Girl, first of all and most importantly you have to get into God. I mean seriously. You have to know His word and know what He says about who you are and who you are to Him. People will tell you all manner of things and will give you advice. But you know something, you have to, have to, have to take it back to God’s word. If it’s not consistent with God’s word for your life. Leave it. Don’t pick it up from where it’s fallen. But you know what, the Bible sets the tone. Sometimes, many times you need “on the move” direction. Like Satellite Navigation for the Soul. The Holy Spirit. He is the helper. He guides, leads and directs.
I know the Bible says in the multitude of counsel there is wisdom, but it is speaking of wise counsel. There are people who want to help you, genuinely, they do. However, not all attempts to help are actually wise or in fact very ‘helpful’ at all. Some of the people you will meet are honest in their belief that the only way is their way and therefore God’s way must be their way. However, Psalms 103:11 the Bible says ‘As far as the heavens are above the earth…’ . God works in amazing ways. Don’t get me wrong - if you follow wise counsel and proven strategies you are likely to get a result. If you seek God for His counsel and strategy, you will get His result.
Listen my Dear. God loves you and has a plan bigger for your life bigger than anybody else’s ideas about what you should do with your life. So why would you leave His plan and follow mine? He wants more for you than anybody else in the whole world, you are therefore safe in His arms and right to trust Him. But note, sometimes life makes no sense. Many times God’s plan may make no sense to you. At times like this, pray, seek God, make sure you are in His will because it is easy to use this verse as an excuse for inaction when action is required. But if you know that you know you are where He has called you and things aren’t making sense remember ‘As high as the Heavens’. They are not meant to make sense to you. They make sense to Him and that’s all there is.
When you are making decisions use people you respect to bounce ideas off. Listen to their ideas. Pray over them. Seek God for direction. Then there comes a time when you must make decisions that you believe are right and according to His leading. Use God’s word as your guide. Sometimes, you’re going to miss it and miss it really badly. You’re going to look back on your life and think, how could I be so wrong. But Faith is a habit. Must be practised to be perfected. Be courageous. Outside God’s Will, Plan and Direction, don’t just follow. Question everything. Don’t just accept the status quo or conventional.
As the conversation progressed, Sophie explained that she had taken to memorising scripture. The more she thought on scripture the more she understood the heart, character and nature of God. She had started with the Psalms as David had been a man so clearly after God’s own heart and had written many of the Psalms, then she had then gone on to look at other men who had walked closely with God: Abraham, Samuel, Isaiah, then the New Testament (of course). She had realised along the way she needed to apply a more systematic approach so she’d returned to Genesis starting there, she worked her way through. She now sought to and typically read the Bible cover to cover about 3 times a year.
God, she said, had a plan for every man and woman as individuals. God, she believed had a plan for the individuals who entered marriage. However she believed that this plan must involve capitalising on the talents and strengths He had given them as individuals. Marriage she believed was the ultimate partnership. It was about systematically making the best and getting the best of both parties. She couldn’t imagine God putting two people together so jointly they could be less than the sum of the parts. Therefore, whether in relationship or not, God’s desire was for every individual to be the best they could possibly be. God therefore, must be more than sufficient to solve our problems as individuals. Everybody, married or not had to be primarily dependent and utterly reliant or God to help them. This was a point of major disagreement for her with Ministries or doctrines that suggested or acted as if marriage was a solution to problems people faced in life.
In relation to being married or single, God, she did not believe had a preference for either mode of operation. Both had their advantages . Many people used by God were not married. Similarly many of the people he used were married. The constant feature in both scenarios, was that God used them.
All God needs are available people. Married or unmarried, as long as they were available, He’d do the rest.
Ironically, she had found that even as a married woman she had to fight to ensure she was not defined by people’s opinions and thoughts. What she could not understand about Church was how everybody lauded marriage as if it was the answer to every problem and trial. As if it was the cure to all problems. It wasn’t. God was. God is. God is the answer to every problem. God is the only solution, and until people were taught this and understood this, many marriages would continue to hurt and be burdened by immense disappointment and resentment between the parties.
She had smiled and encouraged me to read the letters of Paul and understand the extent to which his marital status affected the way God used Him. Paul had been a single man. No wife spoken of in the scriptures and God used him mightily as an Evangelist to the Gentile nations. In fact Paul’s lack of ‘domestic ties’ meant that it was easier for him to travel freely and fulfil the call of God on his life.
For good measure she had added a few words on gender. God, contrary to popular belief , was not partial to a particular gender and was very willing to use women as well as men. Maybe sometimes in different ways. But use them both powerfully. And then Sophie had pulled out a particularly hideous pair of shoes and all hopes for continued serious conversation had vanished.
2. Knowing who you are in Christ – Sunday 28th August.
Follow God Not People, be your own person.
‘God made us all different.’ This was the opening sentence of the second session.
‘We are the ones who insist on being like everyone else and the only people we end up cheating are ourselves. At this point Sophie sat at the top of her bed. I sat at the bottom.
Darling, close your eyes and think about the people who have inspired you most in your life. I don’t mean your Mom or your Dad. But think about the people you know at work. Artists you love. Musicians who have spoken to you. How many of them have been anything but true to the gift that God gave them ? How many of them focused on what other people did and did likewise? In this world in addition to God you need guts, thick skin, and focus. For every step you take forward, you will find 10 steps to take you in a different direction. You have to know where you are going and be resilient. You have to find that thing that God has given only you and nurture it. Develop it and then do it each and every day with everything inside of you.
Intelligence is good. Talent and anointing are better. You don’t need to be bright. You don’t need to be big. But you can be exceptional. What an incredible shame if you never discover that thing God has made you exceptional at, and instead you are chasing bright and big things that aren’t for you, or you’re not skilled at. If it is something as small as smiling, then smile well. If it is shoes then, baby girl, wear them. ‘
At that statement I looked at the pile on the bed. It seemed to be growing despite the fact we had spent the last two Sundays trying to clear them. In preparation for today’s session, Sophie had transferred the massive pile onto the bed which had apparently prompted no little complaint from Paulo who had been forced to sleep in the study.
Sophie’s decision to nominally begin her sort last night had apparently been driven by Paulo’s ‘comments’ that the ‘for Atlanta’ pile was much too big and his insistence that she called upon all resources human or divine to halve it. Sophie had said nothing, but poured the pile back onto the bed in an air of wronged sile
nce, which had evidently worked a treat if the frequent offers of tea/biscuits/cake/juice/ something stronger from a rather sheepish Paulo, were anything to go by. This wasn’t manipulation she assured me. There were things that one did to communicate a message where words would be insufficient. She wasn’t even slightly repentant.
If I had not noticed it, I would soon: there were many people in Church especially who believed God’s sole purpose for women was for them to get married and have children. And a woman without a husband and Child was walking outside God’s purpose. This she declared was not good doctrine. Two amazing roles a woman could be called into were being a wife and a mother. But there were other roles. Sister. Minister. Entrepreneur. None of these roles were mutually exclusive and in the same vein none of these roles were fundamental . In life many women would combine several roles with amazing success. No role was an end in itself, in every role you would be called to use these roles as opportunities to take the gifts that God has given and apply them in very specific situations and settings. Find your gift and walk in it. Shine brightly wherever you find yourself. Live your life. Love your life. Love yourself. Laugh, cry but most importantly rely on Jehovah because it is He who can make every day brighter than the next.
She went on to talk about the importance of making choices. Good ones. Smart ones. . Not living by the choices other people made for you. me. She spoke extensively about her struggle to forge her own identity. To make decisions that, though unconventional, were best for her. . There had been so many people, many of whom were incredibly well meaning , who had thought they would point, lead or cajole her in the right direction. Over time, after essentially wasting time following them, subscribing to their belief system, she had finally had to assert herself and carefully undo whatever it was she had just done, inevitably just to start again with somebody different and a different idea. She’d found that God’s plans for her were best. Many times she sought the counsel of people she trusted but she had learnt how to request this in a way that did not create an expectation that she would simply comply.
Additionally, finding a life partner should not be thought of as the key to sound decision making. Two people were also very capable of getting very lost together. Two heads were definitely better than one, but God’s will, God’s plan and God’s way were even better and these were available to everybody single or married.
Follow God Not People and be your own person.
3. Learn what to take from Church and what to leave behind – Sunday 4th September
Whether you like it or not, not everything that comes from the pulpit is sound doctrine
You will hear so much in Church. So many things being preached with so much conviction. To build a life that is built upon the firm foundation of Jesus Christ you have to know what you will take from Church and what you will leave behind.
Whether you like it or not, not everything that comes from the pulpit is sound doctrine.
A lot of it has been subject to interpretation and tradition of men. Wrong doctrine would lead to error and distress in life.
People will come. They may even have prophecies but you must have a standard, you must have a principle about what to accept from the Pulpit. Acts 17:10-11 she said would be a good place to start and a practice to adopt.
4. Politely tell people to ‘mind their own business’ – Sunday 11th September.
If all else fails , a deep sigh and ‘pray for me’ would usually work.
This Sophie assured me, was an essential skill to possess. So many people would have so much to say. It was important to know how to tell people (very politely of course) to mind their own business. She had assured me that this was an acquired skill. We had finally finished sorting the shoes and had moved on to the wardrobe. If the shoes had been crazy the wardrobe was ridiculous. In fact wardrobes would be a more accurate description Owning and wearing some of these clothes, it was very possible that she had had to tell many people to mind their own business several times. They had apparently been all the rage at the time. I found that difficult to believe. The Royal blue skirt and blouse suit she had just pulled out with the most incredible bow on the back and flower on the front was especially hideous. Paulo walked in and found us in hysterics. Immediately sensing that this was not a place for a man, he had very quickly retreated.
Sophie had continued. There were many ways to avoid unrequested advice and conveyances of opinion. Firstly, reserve, privacy. Being non-committal except to your nearest and dearest. Secondly, getting yourself out of the public spotlight or places where people find it easy to contact you. This however could very easily lead to isolation so was not ideal if there was no compensating solution at hand. A more social method was learning how to change the subject meekly and demurely. This could be applied in all company, and once you’d done it a few times, most people would get the message.
If all else fails , a deep sigh and ‘pray for me’ would usually work.
5. Other people’s priorities and especially their Children – Sunday 18th September.
Identify people who are just taking you for a ride and know how to tell them to take a hike!
This was a principle that was clearly very close to Sophie’s heart. As she spoke the colour rose in her cheeks and her eyes glowed. ‘Dearie listen to me, you don’t only need to learn how to tell other people to mind their own business but learn how to identify people who are just taking you for a ride and know how to tell them to take a hike! Or do you think that because you are in Church everybody is nice and wants the best for each other. You’re going to have to wake up. Darling, not everybody in Church is there looking for Jesus.
And even amongst those who are, there are those who like the idea of being served much more than they do the idea of serving. Don’t walk around Church in wide eyed wonder saying you love Jesus and just want to be a blessing. My Dear, people will teach you. You have to be smart. Never ever use anybody seek to give more than you take. Leave behind a legacy of love. However, give only what you can afford. You’ll hear all manners of nonsense to encourage you to act to your own detriment. ‘You’ve got the grace of giving’, ‘You are generous’, ‘God wants you to be generous’. Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense. Never give so much that you have nothing and are left high and dry by people with the gift or grace of ‘taking’. If somebody loves you, they’ll want the best for your life. They won’t just want to take and take and take and take. Anybody who wants you to continually act to your detriment on their behalf or prioritise their priorities at the expense of yours; as long as it is always about what is best for them, forget about them. They are not FOR you.
Now I tend to find there are two areas where people are particularly prone to try it on. The First is Church commitment. Many people think, especially when you are young, that being unmarried and female you probably have nothing better to do with your time than attend Church services and serve on church teams. Note it will never be the exciting or interesting roles you will be given. It will be serving tea and coffee or Sunday or making sandwiches welcoming people, joining the cleaning team, this Committee that Committee, coming to Church early on Sunday to set out chairs or microphones. However, when it comes to the appointment of deacons or elders in the Church then you will hear ‘If a man desires the office of a bishop, he must be the husband of one wife’. Don’t get me wrong, it is very important to serve and lowly positions build humility. But there is humility and there is doormat. Learn the difference. Recognise the difference and see doormat coming and run in the opposite direction. She had found that being overly committed in Church was generally not a good idea. It had been really easy for her to get distracted with Church and lose sight of Christ. Instead she encouraged complete commitment and devotion to Jesus Christ. This was clearly the teaching of the Bible. Fellowship with other believers was important but a true and vibrant relationship with the God you all believed in was fundamental.
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ondly, other people’s children. As long as you let them people will believe you are generally available to look after their children, at their convenience, at no charge. It was amazing how many people had basically assumed, because she did not have her own Children she would want to spend significant amounts of her time looking after theirs. She’d recounted tales of having to let people down gently after they proposed their Children spend their half terms or weeks during the summer vacation with her whilst they went on holiday. She told of the couple who had phoned en-route to the airport. Finally there were those who had tried to drop Children off on Saturday and pick them up on Sunday evening after the Church service. She had learnt the hard way that sometimes, many times, there was no word quite like NO and many times offence was unavoidable. In such cases it was best revise expectations early on to avoid embarrassment and awkwardness.
6. Married Women – Sunday 25th September
Not all of them but a significant minority really do believe that every woman without a ring on her finger is after her husband.
I wish my Dear somebody had sat me down and warned me about married women
. Not all of them but a significant minority really do believe that every woman without a ring on her finger is after her husband.
Black, White, Tall, Short, Rich, Poor, it really does not appear to matter. My dear you know what, three words – waste of time. Choose carefully the women married and unmarried you choose to associate with. Make sure they are intelligent, articulate, ambitious, gracious, and modest. Other than this, your time is best invested elsewhere.
7. Married Men – Sunday 2nd October
The Saints, the Sinners and the Stupid.
Understand me clearly, most married men you meet are sober minded and responsible. I like to refer to these ones as the Saints. They keep their distance and don’t put you in awkward situations by getting too friendly. But I also have two other categories. The Stupid and the Sinners.
We’ll start with the Sinners. This is a very broad category. At the furthest end of the scale are those who are not yet convinced they married the right woman and are looking to sample what is left on the market to gain conviction they have made the right decisions. These men evidently cannot read their Bible or haven’t in a while as they should know it clearly states it is the Holy Spirit that convicts.
“Don’t look at me like that,”she had said, “you don’t believe me? Carry on thinking that everybody you see is good or nice and you’ll see what you get. Don’t act Fresh Darling. These guys are there and there are many of them. There are men out there who despite their belief in Jesus will cheat on their wife tomorrow. From Church leaders to back seat members.”
Within this same category are those men who enjoy torturing their wives with their recollections of their days as the ‘Hunter’ or by developing inappropriate relationships with single sisters. This type of man typically enjoys flirting with other women to see if he’s ‘still got it’. It’s an ego trip for him. He’s been married for a few years and misses the chase.
Then you have the plain stupid. The kind of married man who just does not think. Because his mind does not work that way he assumes nobody else’s does either. He’s not careful about the way he treats his Sister friends, he hugs them, holds onto them inappropriately, can just call them late at night ‘to say hi’. What nonsense. You have to protect yourself and your reputation.
Listen married men generally, Saint, sinner or stupid, stay away. Even if you were good friends before he got married. Stay away. Don’t add them on Facebook. Don’t take their calls. Don’t call them, ‘just to say hi’! If they start saying foolish things like ‘ahh ahh I thought we were friends’. You’re not friends. Nonsense. I once went to visit Lola at her Church, shortly before she married Jose. She was getting ready for their wedding and I had gone along to support her, etc. You know the usher in that Church greeted me as if he knew me and like a fool I smiled back. Just a smile. After the service, His wife descended on me in the car park. I mean she was just raging. Her husband this, her husband that. She knew the kind of woman I was. She had her eye on me. I mean it was so disgraceful and humiliating. I just stood there looking at her. I did not even know who in Church her husband was. It was Lola who explained to me that she was ‘sensitive’ and had done it before. In fact the first time it had been so much worse. Imagine. I was raging, but my dear, it never happened to me again. Some of these men, will come, they’ll try to hug you or come and invade your personal space, take your hand in jest. For what reason? What nonsense. When the hawk now descends from on high they won’t tell her that ‘ahh my dear, I was the one who went to hug her oh, I asked for her phone number’. Why does he need your number? What kind of nonsense. Beware of these men, wittingly or unwittingly, they’ll get you into trouble if you let them.
8. PAARRRTTTTYYYY – Sunday 9th October
Do at least 1 new thing every day. 1 crazy thing a day. Record it. Keep a journal. Celebrate life!!
My Dear, have fun. Have a party and enjoy your life. Dress well, look good. Plan, be organised, be strategic. Don’t just be impulsive. Have a plan Dear and stick to it. Even when it gets difficult. Have fun. Go out. Meet new people. However retain your privacy a sense of mystery. Privacy. Respect yourself and your right to privacy and insist that other people do too. Choose friends carefully. Test before you trust. Deal with isolation. Deal, that means do something. We tend to do too little and often late to change our lives and where we are at.
Develop your cultural awareness. Go to the Theatre, the Ballet, the Opera. Entertain. Get an Education. A good one. A meaningful education. Read. Read well. A lot. Classics. Literature. Worthwhile. Learn to speak a foreign language. See the World. India. Thailand. Singapore. Japan. Do a road trip in the States. Move and Work overseas. What is stopping you? Learn to ride a Bicycle. Keep fit. Stay Healthy. Learn to Drive. Plan your financial future! Set yourself radical goals. List all the talents and gifts God has given you. All the opportunities he has given you and each day do five things to get closer to achieving something great.
Do at least 1 new thing every day. 1 crazy thing a day. Record them . Keep a journal. Celebrate life!!
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About Rolake MartinsAbout Rolake Martins
Rolake Martins is a writer and young professional based in the South of England. She has had extensive experience of church life and all the exciting dynamics within it, having grown up within the church, with pastors as parents.
In between negotiating church issues and working on her shoe collection, she has written many down to earth non-fiction pieces about life in the modern church and how to survive it!
Other titles by Rolake MartinsOther titles by Rolake Martins – Coming soon!
Sundays with Sophie Page 4
