Lost Memories
By
Anya Merchant
Copyright © 2015 by Anya Merchant
All rights reserved
Kindle Edition
This is a work of fiction. All names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is entirely coincidental. This work is intended for adults only. It contains substantial sexually explicit language and scenes that may be considered offensive by some readers. None of the characters engaging in sexual conduct in this work of fiction are under the age of 18, legally unable to give consent, or related by blood.
CHAPTER 1
The crack of thunder was loud, but flattened and hollowed by the sea water above Ben’s head. His fingers were cold, long past the point of having any feeling left in them.
I have to swim, get to the surface. I have to breathe.
His lungs burned for air as though they had never tasted it before. He kicked his legs underneath him in frantic swings, his movements slowed and subdued. One of Ben's shins struck something hard and sharp, a rock jutting out from the edge of the rock face ahead of him.
I’m going to die. This is it.
With the last of his energy, Ben burst up through the surface of the water, gasping for air. The rain was coming down in thick sheets, and it took him a moment to catch his breath. He couldn’t see anything, and then the sky flashed with more lightening, followed by another crack of thunder, closer this time.
It was just him, alone in the water. He wasn’t supposed to be alone. Ben’s thoughts were a tangled mess, but that was one thing that he knew for certain. He wasn’t supposed to be alone.
He spun away from the rocks, not so much by choice as a result of his panicked, wild attempt at treading water, and saw the wave. It was coming from further out into the ocean and fully embodied the essence of the tempest that was already punishing him with the rain and thunder.
Why did it come to this? How did I end up here?
His thoughts were cut short as the water crashed over him. Ben let out a scream.
***
Against the water, it wouldn’t have reached far. But in his safe, comfortable bed, perfect and undisturbed outside of the sweat-soaked sheets that covered him, there was nothing to stop it from ripping through the room.
Ben sat up, breathing heavily as though his mind fought to distinguish memory from reality. He brought one of his hands to his heart and held it there over his t-shirt. His pulse was racing.
The same dream, again?
“Ben?” Rachel’s voice called into his room from the hallway. “Are you okay, honey?”
Slowly, Ben’s self-awareness began to come back to him. He was home, or at least in the place he now called home. Rachel, the woman who had taken him in after his accident, was right there with him. Everything was okay.
“Yeah, Rach, I’m fine.” Ben tried unsuccessfully to make his voice match the content of his words. He heard the door to his room slowly open, and saw Rachel standing in the dark outside of it.
She was 34 years old and, as always, full of compassion. Ben had known that from the beginning, since he’d first seen her sitting by his side at the hospital. She had been watching over him even though she had no reason to.
She was the one who found me on the shore that day. Maybe it was too much for her to just walk away from the situation, to dust her hands off.
It had been four years ago, back when Ben was only fourteen and still mostly a boy. His injuries had been severe, but the most crippling part of the accident had been what it had done to his memories, completely sweeping them from his mind as though wiping down a chalkboard.
“You don’t sound fine, Ben,” said Rachel, softly. “Was it a dream again?”
Ben nodded, though he wasn’t sure if she could see him in the dark as well as he could see her. The dream, along with all the other intense ones like it, was all that he had left of the person he’d been before the accident.
After he’d woken up, he’d still remembered basic facts about the world, what year it was, who the president was, how to do things and how to live. But anything pertaining to his own character, his own essence, had been lost, like water down the drain of a tub.
“Yeah,” said Ben. “The one with the storm.”
Rachel stepped forward into his room. It was early morning, but still dark outside. Ben could just barely make out her the outline of her petite nightgown. Rachel was a short woman, but with large breasts, a trim waist, and perfectly curved hips, the type of body that most men struggled to ignore.
I really shouldn’t think about her that way.
She walked over to his bed and sat down on it, letting one of her hands come to a rest on his thigh. Ben had always felt comfortable with Rachel, from the very start. She had brought him into her house, gone through the process of applying for foster status, and doted on him with sincere, uninhibited affection.
“It’s okay,” said Rachel. “Just relax. I know it’s scary, but you don’t have to worry anymore. You have a new life here, Ben.”
Rachel rubbed his leg and Ben felt her soft touch against him. He cared for her just as much as she cared for him, and could never relate to the rebellious way his classmates had acted with their parents. Rachel was all that he had, more than he felt like he deserved. It was simple with her, but at the same time, so very complicated.
She cares about me. There is nothing here for me to be confused about, is there?
Ben looked at Rachel and saw her eyes looking back at him with genuine endearment. He smiled and reached his hand over to her head, running his fingers through her soft hair. The two of them had always been close and had never shied away from hugging or kissing each other.
Their relationship managed to be very typical and very unorthodox at the same time, a juxtaposition of standards, an exaggerated caricature of a single parent household.
“At least it’s not the middle of the night.” Rachel leaned against Ben and whispered her words over to him. “This way, you won’t miss out on much sleep. It’s only another half hour or so until you’d be getting up for school, anyway.”
“Yeah, of course.” Ben let his hand shift on top of hers and felt her interlace her fingers with his.
I wish it were the middle of the night, and I could have her stay here with me, lie here in bed. She used to do it all the time, back when the nightmares were worse.
“I’ll always be here for you, Ben.” Rachel reached her free hand over and rubbed his head, before planting a soft kiss in his hair. “You’ve been my life for the past four years. I… care about you.”
I care about you too. I more than just care about you.
Ben knew that it was the same for her. He could almost sense her emotions, see it in the way she looked at him and said his name.
It was hard, especially given the fact that he was just coming into maturity when he’d ended up in her care. Rachel was single, with no children of her own, a four leaf clover in the realm of attractive women.
It was hard for either of them to come right out and talk about their emotions. Ben knew that it would forever change their relationship for the two of them to start using the word love to describe what they felt.
He felt so much more than that for her, and not all of it was clean cut and neatly identifiable.
Do I love her like a son, or…?
“I should start getting ready, Rachel,” said Ben, with a sigh. He watched her silhouette nod in the darkness and stand up.
“Okay.” She spread her arms out wide, and Ben couldn’t stop his eyes from being drawn to her well-formed breasts. “Can I g
et a good morning hug?”
Ben smiled and stood up into her embrace. He wrapped his arms around her, and for a moment, he managed to forget about anything other than how good it felt to be against her.
It feels too good, we shouldn’t be doing this.
Ben’s cock was slowly hardening, and the shame that came along with it was almost unbearable. He had washed up in Emerald Hills, and Rachel was the only one who had given a damn about him at the start. For his body to betray him like this, to betray her kindness, was almost unbearable.
He forced himself to pull back and turn away from her. He could feel her gaze on him, focused and hot. He forced himself to ignore it.
“I’ll make you a light breakfast,” said Rachel. “Maxine is picking up the closing shift at the bank, so I’ll be home in time to eat dinner with you.”
“Great,” said Ben. “I’ll see you then.”
Rachel turned and left the room, and Ben stepped over to his dresser. His cock throbbed inside his boxers.
Is this what every eighteen year old is going through, or did I lose part of my impulse control along with my memories?
By the time he’d finished getting dressed, the sun was rising on the horizon. It was early fall, and Ben could feel how much the air had cooled from the day before as he closed his window.
Rachel was in the kitchen, still wearing her nightgown, except now she had a white apron with ”Kiss the Cook” printed in pink across the front draped over it.
“I can fix you lunch too if you don’t want to have to buy it at school…” Rachel looked at him hopefully, as if him eating her food would be the ultimate coup. Ben shook his head. He’d always paid for his own lunch, even when it meant volunteering for odd jobs in the neighbor’s yard and doing whatever else it took to scrape together money.
“I’m fine, thanks though.” He reached for the toast off his plate and picked up a couple of strips of bacon in his fingers, dropping them on top of it.
“You should really use a fork.” Rachel’s tone of voice was that of a woman who wanted to chastise, but almost didn’t know how. Ben shrugged his shoulders and took a bite.
“Sorry, I have to rush out of here,” he said. “I’m meeting Danny at his place on the way to school, and his parents make him leave by the time they leave for work.”
“Alright,” she said softly. “Have a nice day.”
Ben turned to leave but stopped as he reached the door. It felt as though Rachel still had something she wanted to say.
Why has it been like this, so tense, between the two of us, lately?
“And Ben?” She looked at him, furrowing her brow ever so slightly and biting her luscious bottom lip.
“Yeah, Rachel?”
“…I uh…” She stopped and glanced up at the ceiling. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“Yeah,” said Ben. “I’ll see you then.”
His head hurt slightly as he walked out the front door and shut it behind him. It had been the same the day before, and almost the same the day before that. The two of them had grown close, bonding throughout Ben’s recovery and sharing in the tragedy of his lost memories. And now he was a senior in high school, on the other side of his confusing teenage hormones. Now he could move and think and act for himself, without necessarily needing her there for support.
I don’t want to feel like that. I still need her, and I still want to be with her, but…
Things were changing for Ben in ways that didn’t make sense. He could never say it to her face, just as she could never say it to his, but he loved Rachel. He loved her as more than just a caretaker, and even just acknowledging it at a glance made his stomach twist and ache with illicit desire.
When he’d first woken up in the hospital, she had been there. Ben had panicked, completely unable to even answer the doctor’s questions about who he was, and how he’d ended up in the water. Rachel had been there to calm him down, and make him feel at ease.
He wasn’t even sure if his name was really Ben. The “B” of it, he was sure about, but that was essentially all. His name, his original name, had started with a “B”. Whether it was Ben, Bruce, or Barry, he had no idea.
Nobody had ever come looking for him. That was what had hurt Ben the most, or would have hurt him the most, if he’d ever thought that he’d actually had a family.
Rachel’s the closest thing that I have to that, the closest thing I’ll ever have.
CHAPTER 2
“Ben!” A familiar voice pulled Ben out of his dour mood. His friend Danny was on his way out the front door of his house. Without realizing it, Ben had made the fifteen minute trip there in a walking daze.
“Oh, Danny,” he said. “Hey…”
“You sound almost surprised to see me,” said Danny. “Come on, we should get moving. If we get to school early enough we won’t have to deal with Cliff.”
I’d almost forgotten about that. Damn it, that’s not something I’m in the mood for today.
Cliff was the captain of Emerald High School’s wrestling team and the type of teenager who didn’t understand how to leave his aggression in the ring. Ever since Ben had been a freshman, the abuse that Cliff had thrown his way had been a constant, demoralizing force in his life.
It was embarrassing for him, especially given that Ben had the strangest feeling that he’d just been letting it happen. When Cliff would make a move to bully him, Ben didn’t usually resist or object. There was something deep within him that made him feel as though he needed to stay calm and not overreact.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter if I care or not. Everyone else at the school does, and they can see for themselves what’s going on.
“Why the hell is it that Cliff has such a special hatred for the two of us?” asked Ben. “I mean, there are over a thousand students at our high school.”
“I don’t know Ben,” said Danny. “Maybe it’s because we’re too good looking?”
Ben laughed, and Danny playfully pushed his shoulder. Danny had always been there for him, and he’d had his back essentially since day one, right after Ben had first arrived in Emerald Hills.
The first few weeks of his life in the town had not been especially fun. He’d been staying with Rachel after he’d left the hospital, but back then, she had been just as much of a stranger to him as anyone else.
Nobody had known what to do with him. The foster system had fought for custody, and Rachel had worked overtime to ensure that he stayed with her. Ben was grateful for it and had told her as much many times over.
“Why are you so quiet today, bro?” asked Danny. “Look, it’s still the beginning of the year. There’s no use getting depressed now, think of homecoming, and think of all the cheerleaders we’ll get to watch at the football games.”
Ben forced a smile and nodded. Danny had been sitting next to him on his first day as a freshman at the school. He’d talked Ben’s ear off incessantly about his worries, the bullying, passing tests, and, of course, girls. The two of them had become close primarily because of how good Ben seemed to be at listening. The reality was, having no memory left him with very little to say, especially for the first year or so after the accident.
“Yeah, I know,” said Ben. “I’m just thinking about my life. Asking questions that don’t have answers. Come on, you’re right, we don’t want to get to school too late.”
Emerald High was, in actuality, a rather drab looking building made of brick and concrete. It was overenrolled this year, which meant that the hallways were usually packed with people in between classes. It also meant that lunch was a very long, drawn-out affair for those who ate the school’s food.
“Catch you later man!” Danny’s locker was on the second floor, and he waved to Ben as he split off towards it. There were more people than he’d been expecting, given that there was still another twenty minutes until first bell, but Ben brushed it off and headed up the stairs.
“Look who’s here!” Cliff’s voice, unmistakable in how unusually high pitched it
was for someone of his size, cut through the air like a blunt knife. “You’re such a good boy, Ben, always getting to school with plenty of time left over to spare.”
The wrestling jock was leaned up against his own locker, which was only a couple down from Ben’s. Ben sighed. He’d grown used to the abuse, but he could never accustom himself to the tempered restraint he had to hold over his tongue. Responding would only tempt Cliff into causing pain, and more importantly, causing a scene.
Cliff had several of his wrestling friends with him, and even though Ben’s adrenaline was pumping, he knew better.
“Hey Cliff,” said Ben. “I’m just getting my stuff out of my locker, don’t mind me.”
He began to twirl the combination lock and watched out of his peripheral vision as Cliff walked over to him and leaned against the locker next to his.
“Oh I don’t mind at all,” said Cliff. “As long as you don’t mind, either.”
Ben opened his locker and pulled one of the books he needed for his first class out of it. Cliff slapped it down with an almost accidental looking cuff, and his friends broke into high pitched hooting.
“Whoops! My bad!” Cliff reached into Ben’s locker and pulled out some loose papers from the top compartment, tossing them into the hallway. “We’re still friends though, right, Ben?”
Strange, powerful emotions surged through Ben’s chest. Every fiber of his being was telling him that he should do something, anything, but somehow, he managed to keep himself under control.
Why am I so good at enduring abuse? I would almost prefer a fight against the group of them over this constant humiliation.
But Ben knew that even if he did throw a punch, it wouldn’t be enough to stop it. In the juvenile, immature fashion of high school bullies everywhere, it would only embolden Cliff, and convince him of the righteous nature of his tormenting. Ben sighed and began picking up his stuff from the floor of the hallway.
“Oh man, look, everybody,” Cliff called out to the students walking past. “Forgetful Ben has dropped all of his homework. Let’s help him out, we don’t want him to forget anything he needs for class.”
Lost Memories (Forbidden Romance) Page 1
