“So did you at one time right? What was your reason? Not that any reason is good enough.”
“I didn’t really have a reason. I just wanted approval. I wanted James’ approval and I would have done anything to get it. I was newly turned and didn’t know where I fit in. I know it doesn’t make sense, but Rachel, please believe me, I’ve changed.”
“Holly doesn’t think so.”
“I know. Maybe someday she will but I don’t hold out too much hope for that. James is nothing more than a memory now. He died doing something good for the clan at least.”
“What?”
“Yeah, well he died fighting the revenants so at least he died more nobly than he lived most of the time.”
I huffed at that statement. “Nobly? Ha!” I felt myself become shaky as the memory came flooding back once again and I lost my ability to censor myself.
“James didn’t die nobly.” Before I knew it I was screaming. “I killed him. And I’d kill him again. I’d kill him over and over. I set him on fire and watched him burn. Your fucking brother is dead because I murdered him. Didn’t anyone tell you?”
“No,” was all he said.
“No? Well I’ll tell you. I’m happy he’s dead, only he’s not really dead because he lives in here,” I said, pointing to my head. “He hasn’t gone away. Even murdering that son of a bitch didn’t get him to stop. I still hear him. I still see him.”
Reaching out Ian palmed my neck, running his thumb along my jawline. “Rachel, what happened? Tell me.”
I removed his hand and turned away. “I can’t,” I said attempting to drive my emotions back down so I could get control of them. “I can’t say it.”
“It’s alright,” he said in a whisper. “You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to, and if you killed James I’m sure you had your reasons.”
I lay my head back down on his chest. “I don’t know if I can go away with you,” I said. “I’m just so fucking confused about everything.”
“Well don’t say no right away. Just say you’ll think about it.” He gently moved my head again to look him in the eyes. “Anytime you’re ready to go just say the word. We can leave the moment you make a decision.”
“Alright, I’ll think about it,” I said. Ian let out a breath, relieved for the moment at least, that I hadn’t shot him down.
After a time we got up and dressed. I let Maggie out for her morning stroll and she headed straight for the woods. She had been doing this a lot lately, disappearing and coming back, covered in dirt from digging. Having her track mud into the house every time was beginning to grate on me. Sometimes she would be gone for an hour or more.
Watching her make a mad dash for the forest I decided it would be a good day to go visit Alexander and see how he was doing. Maybe there was something more he could tell me now, perhaps his ability to speak had returned. If not I could try getting into his head again.
“I’m going to go visit Alexander,” I told Ian as he was pouring himself a cup of coffee. “Do you want to come?”
“No, I think I’ll go into town and get some lumber. Looks like you need a new deck. What the hell happened here anyway?”
“Gavin happened.”
Ian pushed his mug to the side, almost knocking it over. “Gavin was here? Why didn’t you tell me? Holy shit Rachel, he did all that? Were you badly hurt?” He slammed his fist into the table so hard that the mug became slightly airborne for a moment. “Fuck! I should have been here. Rachel, I’m sorry.”
“Hey,” I said taking his hand. “I can handle myself. I fought him off.”
I could see he was silently berating himself as he sat there anxiously running his hands up and down his thighs. “You’re not even a year old. I know you think you can…but you can’t Rachel, you really can’t.” He headed for the back door and then came to the realization he couldn’t use it. “Fuck!” he screamed, giving it a good swift kick.
“I’m still here aren’t I?”
“Thank god…”
I rose and gave him a playful tug on his shirt. “Hey, don’t worry about the deck. I don’t need a whole big deck anyway, I think I’ll just replace it with steps, it’ll be easier.”
“I don’t mind,” he said, coming close to give me a hug. We had a familiarity now that was quickly becoming comfortable. “I want to.”
“Ok,” I said squeezing him around his waist. “I’ll be back later.” When I got outside I scanned the woods for Maggie. There was no sign of the little dog, but I figured she couldn’t be far, probably found someplace to dig where she wouldn’t be bothered.
Arriving at the sanctuary perimeter I gripped my pendant, closed and opened my eyes and then saw the familiar structure once again. It’s remarkably out of place style in the middle of Soldiers Cove was never lost on me no matter how many times I stood in front of it. Pressing my hand against the cold black wood I entered as the door creaked open.
My footfalls echoed along the vast hallway as I made my way to Alexander’s little room. Before I could open the door I felt a presence behind me. “There you are child,” a familiar voice called.
“Hello Angus,” I said turning around to greet him. He had a wide, albeit sad, smile and he put his arm around my shoulder leading me away from the room.
“I’m glad you’re here. I’ve not had a chance to lay eyes on you in a dog’s age,” he said. “Come, let’s put on some tea.” Seeing as how Angus was over five hundred years old I doubted that he had a very strong desire for tea, but in Cape Breton putting on the teapot when someone comes calling is like a tick, you just do it. I was anxious to see Alexander, but I couldn’t refuse the kindly old vampire.
When we were seated in the small dining area of his quarters with two cups of tea in hand his eyes softened. “How are you holding up girl?”
All my pent up emotions wanted to rear their ugly head just then. The anger, pain, confusion, sadness, all of them wanted to pour out right onto the table and into the cup I was holding. I couldn’t do that though. I gripped the handle tightly and pushed my feelings down. Angus had risked his reputation and safety as leader of our clan to turn me at Gavin’s urging, and I didn’t like to show him any type of weakness. I never wanted him to feel that he made the wrong decision. “I’m fine,” I lied, “I just want to get to the bottom of whatever is going on.”
He rubbed his forehead, confused. “What’s going on? Gavin is to be executed for the things he’s done.” He eyed me now with pity. “You understand that don’t you?”
“Angus, I understand that it looks that way, but what if we’re wrong?” Angus peered down into his cup as if looking for an answer there, a way to tell me that I was holding on to false hope, without having to be too blunt about it. “What if Gavin wasn’t doing all this? What if someone else was using his body against his will?”
Angus was much too old and had seen too many strange things to discount any idea or theory right away. He raised his eyebrows. “Tell me,” he said.
“When you gave me permission to do a kindness to my Aunt I couldn’t do it. I sat on the couch in my Aunt Sarah’s living room and Gavin did it for me.” I felt the need to apologize quickly. “I know it goes against protocol and I’m sorry, but Gavin stepped in and rescued me. He’s been like that ever since I’ve known him. He would do anything for me.”
“Then the other day he was in the yard when I came home. He threw me a stake and asked me to kill him...to kill him the way I had killed my Aunt.”
Angus’ eyes grew wide. I could see the thoughts running around in his head, the same thoughts I’d been having. He was beginning to see some hope that Gavin could be saved. “Is that so?” he said.
“Yes.” He sat in contemplative silence for a few moments. I was very still, not wanting to breathe or move. There was no way I was going to take a chance on interrupting the thought process that would perhaps get me the end result I wanted.
“I’ll tell you what,” he said after what seemed like an eternity. “I�
��m going to change the order from kill on sight, to subdue and capture.” I felt like a weight had been lifted. Now instead of killing him as quickly as they could they’d have to at least try to get him back here intact. I might actually have a chance to find out what was really going on.
“Thank you Angus.” I rose and gave him a kiss on the cheek, he smiled wide again.
“You’ll make an old man blush if you go around doing that,” he said.
“I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done for me.”
“Oh lass, you’ve done just as much for us all,” he said.
I turned to leave but at the last moment before I put my hand on the door I turned back around, there was something else I needed to ask. “Angus, if someone did something truly horrible, I mean if it was a long time ago and they were truly sorry and regretted it, do you think their maker should forgive them?”
He looked surprised. “Oh my dear, I think John has forgiven his son for his mistakes that are long in the past. The ones he made for the first fifty years.” He had assumed I was talking about Gavin and not Ian.
“Of course,” I said, and turned to go.
Reaching the door of Alexander’s room I pondered knocking for a second but decided against it. If he was alone in there and still had no power of speech he wouldn’t be able to tell me to come in anyway. I pushed the door open, peeking my head inside.
Alexander was standing on his bed with a piece of drawing charcoal worn almost down to the nub. He had given up on the paper, or maybe they had just run out, and had started drawing on the walls.
The entire wall behind his bed was one giant mural with every detail etched out to perfection. Alex was so focused on it that he didn’t even hear me come in. I recognized someone in the giant picture and as I did the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. It was Gavin. He was in profile with his arms covering his face as someone tried to attack him. The face of the attacker was covered by Gavin’s protective stance. It was clear that Alex was drawing something from memory. He knew something bad had happened to his brother, and was trying to help him. Unfortunately, without the face of the attacker, the portrait was incomplete.
The charcoal finally gave in entirely but Alexander was so engrossed in his task that he would have kept drawing with his fingers until he wore them through. He was going to draw in his own blood to get his point across if he had to.
“Alexander stop,” I said. He turned, surprised to see me, and jumped down off the bed hugging me tightly. “Hey buddy, it’s ok. I’m here.” I pulled him away from me, although not without some huge effort, and sat him on the bed. He stroked my hair like he couldn’t believe I was there.
“You know something bad happened to Gavin don’t you?” He nodded. “Did you see it happen?” he nodded again and pointed at the walls. “Were you there or did you see it in your mind somehow?”
Tears began pouring out of the fragile new vampire’s eyes as he nodded yes once again. He reached for my head, “Easy,” I said. Last time he had hurt me, but this time he seemed to have more control and he gently pressed our foreheads together.
Danger I heard him whisper inside my mind. You’re in danger, Rachel.
Chapter Twenty Five
“In danger?” I said. “I know honey. Gavin has tried to kill me a few times. He’s not himself.” The boy pointed to the shadow in the mural that was blocked by Gavin’s arms, and he shook his head ‘no’ violently.
Danger, I heard inside my mind again as he pointed to the figure. His thoughts were so strong he seemed to have no need to press his forehead to mine anymore.
“You think I’m in danger from whoever that is?” He nodded, relieved I understood him. He threw his arms around me in a protective hug. “Nothing’s going to happen to me Alex, I promise.” My words didn’t comfort him at all, he simply squeezed tighter. “Do you know who I’m in danger from?”
Alexander’s eyes reddened and a sad guilty look slid across his face. Shaking his head no, he took his fists and began pounding away at his skull as if trying to force the answer to appear. “Don’t do that honey,” I said, taking his hands in mine. “You’ll hurt yourself.”
Forgive me, he transmitted.
“Forgive you? You have nothing to be forgiven for. If you knew, I’m sure you’d tell me.” I leaned forward, caressing his cheek and wiping away the tears of guilt that had begun to fall. “Don’t cry. Everything’s going to be alright, but you need to get hold of yourself.”
Will they stake me now? I don’t want to die Rachel.
“Nobody’s going to hurt you. You’re not dangerous, just a little confused. It’ll be ok, you’ll see. What’s the last thing you remember, before you saw Gavin do that?” I said, gesturing to the wall.
His sad blue eyes drifted up toward the mural he had drawn in desperation and he stared at it for a long moment. Shaking his head ‘no’ once again, he threw his arms around me, squeezing as tightly as he could.
He was still in a panicked state when I left and had refused to let go for some time. I assured him I’d stop by the next day to see how he was doing. This seemed to soothe him somewhat, but it didn’t do anything for me. If what he said was true then I knew with absolute certainty that someone or something out there, not Gavin, was intent on hurting me. Walking home through the woods I stopped several times to look over my shoulder and make sure I was alone. Paranoia was setting in and every little sound or noise had me on edge and ready to pounce. I walked most of the way with fangs drawn, ready for a fight should anyone challenge me. Finally, when I was in sight of the house through the trees I relaxed a little.
Crossing the field into my backyard I right away noticed that my old shattered deck was gone and had been replaced by a brand new one. Ian had worked all day and finished a beautiful deck complete with lovely new wind chimes, something I’d never had before. The old toolshed was gone too. Vampire speed, it seemed, came in very handy for construction.
Ian was bent over the deck, shirtless, showing off every muscle in his back as he hammered in the last few nails. “Wow,” I said softly to myself.
“You like it?” he said turning around. I was surprised he had heard me, but then again even if he didn’t have long range hearing he still had vampire ears, which were better than average.
Not wanting to embarrass myself I made sure it sounded like I was talking about the new deck and not the fact that I had been admiring the builder himself. “I like it very much,” I said. “Thank you Ian.” He smiled, happy that I was impressed.
“I have just one more load of broken wood to get rid of,” he said motioning toward the truck which was full of shattered debris. “Then I’ll be done.”
“I can’t believe you did all this,” I said as I stepped up onto the platform of the new deck and stood next to him.
He reached for me placing his rough hands on the small of my back, tugging at the end of my shirt and sliding them up underneath, pulling me close. He traced the line around my waist just above my belt slowly, and tenderly. “I’d do anything for you,” he whispered, his lips so close to my ear that they brushed up against me ever so slightly as he spoke. We lingered for a moment and then he turned his attention toward the truck once more. I had hoped he’d kiss me, but he broke away. “I’m going to get that out of here. Be back soon.”
I wanted to tell him to wait, to come inside and come to bed with me. Then I shook my head in disbelief at my own thoughts. What was I doing? I was totally in love with my husband…wasn’t I? A sick feeling settled into the pit of my stomach as I reacted to my own realization. Yes, I loved Gavin, and I wanted him back desperately, but I had feelings for Ian now too. Strong feelings that would need to be dealt with.
“Hey,” he said, noticing the change in my demeanour. “You don’t look so good all of a sudden. Everything ok?”
“I’m fine,” I lied, “just this whole thing is so…confusing.”
He bent down and planted a soft gentile kiss on my forehead. “You’ve been
thorough the ringer girl. Why don’t you try and get some rest. It’ll do you good. When I get back I’ll join you.”
He headed to the truck and just before he opened the door it occurred to me I still didn’t know where my dog was. “Hey, have you seen Maggie?”
“No,” he said getting behind the wheel. “I’m sure she isn’t far.”
“Ok, see you later then.” I went inside and tried to decide what to do with myself. Resting, as much as I wanted to escape reality, was not an option right now. I decided I needed to lay everything out on the table. When Ian came back I was going to explain everything I thought was going on and tell him exactly what Alexander had said to me today. I needed to tell someone else or I was going to go insane. Calling Holly at this point didn’t seem like an option. I thought she might still be mad at me, and I couldn’t call Daniel because I didn’t want to take a chance on Daniel and Ian crossing paths. Something deep inside told me that I should avoid that at all costs. There was some kind of history there that I wasn’t privy to, and right now didn’t care about. I wanted answers, not to dig up old grudges and hurts from the past. They could work that out themselves after I knew what was going on with Gavin.
The Vampires of Soldiers Cove: One Crow Sorrow Page 16
