by Lewin, Renee
“I wandered lonely as a cloud...” William Wordsworth
A pang of sadness flutters through me at Joey’s mention of my mother and the way I spent my days that summer before high school. I was fourteen, with my then friends and Manny’s friends every day, hanging out at Mr. Jeremy’s convenience store or Bartolo’s, swimming at Amo Lake, hitching a ride in the back of an older friend’s truck to Tucson to window shop at the mall or go to a concert, roasting marshmallows over a camp fire out in the desert night where we flirted with the boys and exchanged dirty jokes. Mom and Dad let us run wild, but my brother and I looked out for each other and we stayed out of trouble. Our friends, however, developed an appetite for drama. I turn to his next entry.
I’ve been reading William Faulkner and he’s so good it makes me ashamed to dare put a pen to paper ever again. Of course Miss Marna lent me the book. It’s called The Sound and the Fury. She says it’s one of Elaine’s favorites. I see why. It’s complex; something a smarter person than me would understand better. I’ve been here in Cadence for a month now and I’ve been hanging out in the park office a lot because Miss Marna is cool to talk to. Mom and I don’t have a television in our trailer yet so I can watch TV in the office. Spending so much time there, I thought I would run into her son Emanuel and her daughter Elaine but I never see them. Miss Marna is cool, so I figured her kids would be cool people too. I do see a lot of Mr. Roberts though and, frankly, I would like to see less of him. The way he talks to Miss Marna, ordering her around, makes me feel uncomfortable. Something is under the surface of their conversations. I’m beginning to worry about her. I think that whatever is going on is the reason their kids stay away…
I glared at Joey’s words. My father would never boss my mother around. Secondly, she was a strong woman who would never take disrespect. Manny and I weren’t around during the summer because we were out having fun instead of staying home and doing chores. Even back then, Joey had his nose in our family’s business.
Like a lightning bolt, insight strikes me. After knowing my parents for only a couple of weeks, Joey sensed that my parents were hiding something.
Why hadn’t I?
…I’ve been working on my body, doing push-ups and curls and running. I get up at 4 AM. No one gets up earlier than 6 AM around here, so the whole neighborhood is serene. I pick up my soccer ball, hold it under my arm and jog to the soccer field. I dribble the ball around, do some tricks with it, shoot some goals, do crunches and some pull-ups on the top bar of the goal, and jog back home by 5:30 in the morning. Pretty soon I’ll look like Richard, like my real dad, and no one would dare lay a hand on me again. My first day of high school is tomorrow. I haven’t really thought about it any further than that. I hope that’s how it will be: thoughtless, simple. Of course, things never are.
------
My first day of high school, the beginning of “the best years of my life” as Principal Wright said at the Freshman Welcome Rally, started off with a bus ride with eight year olds. Because there are only four school buses that serve all of Cadence, they only send one school bus down to Merjoy Trailer Park. Everyone piled onto the bus and naturally segregated themselves, with elementary kids at the front of the bus, middle school students in the middle seats, and Lorenzo High students at the back. It was a tight squeeze, three small kids to a seat, two teenagers to a seat. Miss Marna drives her kids to school, so they’re lucky. I had to share a seat with a kid named Mario. We introduced ourselves, and he told me about the bonfire parties he went to and blah blah blah. I told him about how I once put a man in the hospital to shut Mario up. He just continued, telling me that he bench presses blah blah blah and asked if I was Irish because of my hair. Then all these other kids got in on the conversation, and some idiot, Raul, said I was too tall to be Irish, so I let everyone know he was an idiot. Did he think Ireland was populated by leprechauns?
Everyone tried to stifle their laughs. Raul was pissed. It bothers me that I have such obvious Irish characteristics (red hair and freckles) because no one believes I’m a quarter German from Mom and a quarter Italian from Dad. My schoolmates asked me if I played any sports. I lied, said I used to play lacrosse back when I was living at a prep school in Connecticut. They nodded, believing it. I told them I played soccer too. Raul laughed, said he’d love to see it. I told him he didn’t have to ask me twice. In the space of twenty minutes I was already on the bad side of one of the Park Kids’ ringleaders. Not that I cared…
A corner of my mouth goes up. Raul wasn’t the smartest person in the world, but who would describe themselves as smart when they were fifteen years old? Joey was right; I never guessed he was anything other than Irish. Reading about Joey’s first day is bizarre. I know what is going to happen to him. He’ll end up a member of the Chupasangres’ soccer team and consequently good friends with Mario, the team’s captain.
… Walking into my classes was like stepping into a freak show exhibit. I was the freak, the new guy. I was being observed and evaluated by everyone. To add to the discomfort, in my morning classes, almost all the white kids sat on one side and the Mexican kids sprinkled with a few white Merjoy kids on the other side. I only saw about three black students walking in the halls but I didn’t have any classes with them. I asked Mario about it when I saw him in science class. The Village Kids and Park Kids prefer to stick to themselves. When I lived in Drexel it wasn’t so disunited. My friend Alex was part Native American and Dion was African-American and nobody cared that we were buddies. Except for Mason. Alex and Dion never questioned why they could never come over to my house. I have a feeling they figured out on their own that my stepfather was racist.
After being stared at and whispered about all morning, someone actually talked to me during lunch. A group of Village Kids, two guys and two girls with coordinated outfits and matching highlights, came up to me while I was eating outside in the courtyard. They were so certain I knew who they were that they never introduced themselves. “We would like to personally welcome you to our high school,” one of the dudes said, “and give you an exclusive invitation to the Freshman Inaug Bash tonight at ten at B’s Pizza Parlor. We rented out the entire party room,” he bragged. “See you there,” his girlfriend added. All four gave me a simultaneous head nod and walked away. One Village guy’s girlfriend looked back and winked at me suggestively with her mascara encrusted eyelashes. Her boyfriend caught her, gripped her skinny arm real tight and pulled her along. My stomach turned. I don’t run with dogs like him. I’m sure they knew I was a Park Kid so I was confused as to why they approached me. Maybe it’s because they heard something about me playing lacrosse at a prep school. I didn’t make any effort to find out their names and hell no are they gonna find me at their party tonight...
Joey is an attractive white guy. That is the sole reason the Village Kids approached him. They wanted an attractive person to join their ranks in hopes his appearance would rub off on them. Those guys are nothing but superficial opportunists. They came up to me once, too. Only after hearing the rumor that I was going to get rich off of my dad’s ownership of Merjoy Trailer Park and the surrounding land.
… After lunch, things picked up. I had English class which is easy since the novels and poetry we’ll study I’ve already read. I went to my locker after class to put my English book away and this girl comes up to me. She’s talking to me but she’s looking at everyone but me and talking loudly. She actually asked me to go to the movies with her but she hardly looked me in the eye when she did. I had to stop myself from laughing. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but her fidgeting and loud talking was silly. I pulled her to the side, away from all the traffic, and I learned why she was acting so weird. She told me she wanted to be the first one to go out with me because “all the girls want you.” I laughed in disbelief at first and then, I admit, I felt pretty fly. It was good to hear that my summer of working out was appreciated. My arrogance was replaced with frustration. No one, except for Mario maybe, wanted to know anything about me.
How was I supposed to make real friends?
I told Morghan she was a pretty girl and not to worry about what people think. She didn’t seem satisfied with that answer. I was so thankful for P.E. class. Coach decided we’d start off doing soccer. I was ready to let off some steam. I did some tricks with the ball when I got bored; fake kicks, spins, and double cuts. Raul and everyone couldn’t pull their eyes away. It felt so good to get the ball past the goalie over and over again. It felt so good to give them something true to gossip about. In the locker room I was bombarded by dudes who wanted me on their neighborhood soccer teams. I didn’t give them any straight answers. I’d actually like to be part of a team and compete and stuff, but I need time to think it over and get to know people before I make a commitment.
Last class of the day was Spanish. I chose it as my foreign language since I didn’t think I’d be conversing with a Pierre or Juliette ever in life. I walked in and immediately saw that I was one of two white people in the class. Everyone else was Mexican. I guessed they wanted the easy ‘A’. I recognized Mario so I sat next to him. He was doing his Algebra homework, breezing through it. He glanced over at me and said, “Nice work on the field today.” He smiled, I nodded, and he went back to his work. The teacher started lecturing. While she handed out textbooks I asked about the lack of diversity in the class. He explained that the Village Kids take French because it’s “a language of the upper class,” unlike Spanish. Well, I think Spanish is a very melodic language. Everyone knows that girls want the Latin Lover type guy, not the beret-wearing weenie with a tiny moustache. My first day was…a long day.
------
I’ve made up my mind. I’m joining team Chupasangres. Mario is the team captain. He was there that day in P.E. when I was showing off and he didn’t try to suck up to me and get me on his team like his life depended on it. When I was rude to him on the bus that first day of school, he let it slide right off of him. He loves soccer, but he has other goals in life. I admire that. I didn’t like him that first time I met him on the bus. He’s actually a good guy and my teammates are cool like-minded people too. I went to see Miss Marna this afternoon after school. She asked me how my first few days of school went. I told her I made use of the notebook and pencils she’d given me. Then Mr. Roberts walked in. He gave her this look and walked into his office and she knew she was expected to follow. She hurried after him and closed the door behind them. He’s yelling and I try to distract myself with something on TV when I hear this big crash. All I can think about is he hit her. He’s throwing her around in there.
I run to the door but it’s locked and I hear Miss Marna asking him to calm down and she sounds like she’s okay. I listen to her trying to soothe him and apologize and I get so angry I want to bust the door in even more. I know I shouldn’t. I can’t stick my nose into their marital problems. I’m just not going to see her hurt on my watch. I listen at the door and he’s talking in a normal voice, their just bickering, and even that puts knots in my stomach, to hear that conflict, so I go to leave. I glance at the papers she was stuffing envelopes with earlier. They were the rent bills. I know how much rent is. My mom has been pinching every penny to pay the $455 a month. The rent bills on Miss Marna’s desk for this month read $495. Do you know how betrayed I feel? I bet Mr. Roberts wanted more money and Miss Marna just accepted it. What is it with women resigning themselves to be with losers like him?
I wasn’t hurt that Joey was angry about the rent increase. Been there, done that. Everyone got angry without listening to the facts. What I didn’t get was the way he was portraying my father as some monster. My father never put a hand on my mother. I was starting to worry that what happened to Joey when he was younger was making him paranoid about domestic violence.
So, I’m walking through the hall with my teammates. Mario and I are walking in front with three other players following and I see this girl at her locker. Instantly I know who she is. I’m sure I looked like an idiot, standing there staring at her. Claude, Niko, and Cesar bumped into me and Mario had to back track because I was standing stupidly in the middle of the hall. I knew it was Miss Marna’s daughter. It was weird that they looked so alike, but different. The way Elaine was dressed caught me off guard too. The shined military boots, and the snug vest, and the glasses. It’s not that I didn’t like what she was wearing. I just wasn’t expecting her to look the way she looked. Now I’m sounding vaguely sexist or something. I mean, it was just refreshing. All the girls dressed basically the same around here. I wasn’t sure what to say. “Hi. You don’t know me, but I know your mom” didn’t seem like a good conversation starter.
Cesar put in his two cents before I could say something awkward. “Laney, what the heck are you wearing? Who are you, G.I. Jane or something?” They laughed. She turned from her locker to face us, nodded at me and Mario and gave the other guys a sneer. She doles out some insults in Spanish that I couldn’t interpret. She must speak it fluently. That’s pretty cool. Cesar answers, “Now, Laney. If you like, you could see for yourself that all of us are actually quite well endowed.” She retorts, “I am deeply concerned that you would know that. Keep your eyes straight forward in the locker room. Okay Cesar? You’re making your bros uncomfortable.”
The guys laugh and make some gay jokes about Cesar. I watch a smile light up her face and she tells us “Bye boys” and walks away to class. In Earth Science class I ask Mario about her. He told me that everyone was cool with her in middle school but she’s acting different these days, wearing weird stuff and disowning her friends. He said that it all coincided with her uncle recently giving ownership of Merjoy to her dad. I thought the Roberts had always owned it. That would explain why Mr. Roberts was acting so entitled. I told Mario what I knew about the rent going up. He got quiet and turned his attention back to the teacher. I wanted to warn him, so he and his family could prepare for it.
Nausea seizes my stomach. It was Joey who had opened his mouth and told people before we could explain that the rent increase was not my family’s attempt to get rich. We had to do it to save Merjoy Trailer Park from going under. I sit with the journal balanced on my lap and stare at the floor. I’m upset. By the end of that day, everyone in town had heard about it and the next day the vilification of my family began. I don’t want to read any further, but I don’t want to hate Joey either. Something tells me to keep reading. It would be unfair not to listen to the whole story.
I cannot believe I broke Elaine’s glasses. I am such an idiot! An oaf! If she had asked me to chew and swallow the broken glass, I would have. I swear I just want her to kick me in the shin with her steel toed boots or something. As if I haven’t screwed up her life enough, I go and destroy her stuff. I should have kept my mouth shut. I added a few more days of hell to their lives. Everyone would have found out about it when the bill got sent out next week. I had to open my mouth and start the snowball rolling before the Roberts could prepare themselves. I’m going to try my best to stop this. I don’t know how, but it will end.
------
Elaine is in my English class now. I guess she wasn’t enjoying herself in the other class. She’s intelligent. She answers a lot of the teacher’s questions. And she’s strong. All the Park Kids in class were throwing daggers at her with their eyes and calling her names under their breath. Guilty. That word does not describe how crappy I feel. I want to tell her and her family that I’m sorry but I know it won’t fix anything.
------
Insufficient
aren’t words.
none.
she’s more than
thesaurus shortcomings
or failing
language.
Can’t describe
her______ skin.
See!
Her skin is like _____
so smooth and _____.
Dammit! She is not
a god forsaken
cut of burnished wood or
dried oily seed of a fruit
nor
caffe
inated cafe beverage.
If you saw her you would see
that her skin is...
She is not a rich candy bar!
She is not a wall paint tone…
What am I saying?
How could I be so obnoxious?
So fixated on her skin?
I swear
that is not all that I see!
I see her talent, strength,
and wit, but
when my boymind drools, enamored,
all I see is
allspice.
Earthy sweet,
wise sultry brown.
