by Lily Foster
“You skate so fast,” Paige added as she rubbed her hand along my forearm. Brandon and Melissa were standing behind them, Melissa making a gagging gesture and Brandon simulating a blow job.
They were both beautiful. Charlotte was blond, blue-eyed, and had a killer body, while Paige was a brunette with big brown eyes and a very fine body herself. They were like Betty and Veronica. “I cannot believe Tess wasn’t here to see that. I feel so bad for her,” Charlotte said looking up at me.
That was so not sincere. Charlotte was trying to highlight the fact that Tess was not here but she was, ready and willing. Her comment did remind me to check my phone, though. I’d had my head so wrapped up in seeing Anna that I’d probably missed the twenty calls Tess had made to check in after the game. Ugh, I thought, I’ll have hell to pay.
No missed calls. That was beyond odd. I excused myself and moved off to a more secluded, quiet spot. “Hello!” a giggling, tipsy Tess answered.
“You sound like you’re having a good night.”
“I. Am.” There were voices in the background, guys and girls. I was happy, relieved that she was having fun when I heard a male voice say, “Hurry the fuck up, Tess!”
“Who the fuck is that?”
“Just…no one, a guy from my dorm. Ohmigod, I almost totally forgot! How was the game? Did you win?”
I heard her slam her door shut. Probably to drown out that dickhead’s voice. “Yeah, Tess, we won.”
“That’s great, Declan.”
“I scored.” I felt aggravated all of a sudden. Not because of that guy’s voice, although that did affect me. It confused me. I would tear any guy to shreds who touched Tess. She was mine, right? But then again, I had been dreaming about kissing and touching a girl who was not Tess every single night this week. What really annoyed me, though, was that Tess was always making me feel bad for enjoying myself, guilty for having fun without her. Now here she was having fun and I was happy for her. Why couldn’t she let me have that too?
“You scored? Declan, that’s amazing!” I could hear multiple people banging on her door, yelling for her.
“Tess, go. It sounds like I’m interrupting a good night. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Ok, g’night.”
That was quick.
I proceeded to drink my fill that night, never stopping my scan of the crowd for her. She hadn’t come. I woke up the next morning with a giant headache and Paige sprawled across my phantom roommate’s bed. “Hello, sunshine,” I said with sarcasm, in an attempt to wake her up. I recalled that she had situated herself right behind me as I came into my room last night and then attempted to throw herself at me, again. When it became clear she wasn’t leaving, I went to sleep, and when she attempted to crawl into bed with me, practically naked, I rolled over so that she was deposited directly onto the floor and I flatly told her to go. Obviously, she had not. I liked Paige but she was getting to be a pain in my ass. “Paige, get up.”
“Declan?” She affected her most innocent voice as she looked around, acting confused. “How did I? Did we?”
How did she get in here? Was she joking? I felt like telling her she was here because she tried to sexually assault me last night, for the second time this month. “Nothing happened, Paige. You slept there, I slept here,” I said, gesturing between the twin beds. “You can’t come here late-night again, Paige. I have a girlfriend.”
That did it. She was sufficiently embarrassed and also pissed. “Don’t worry, I won’t be,” she snapped as she put her jeans and sweater back on. “Later, Declan.”
A minute later Brandon walked in, wrapped in a towel after his shower. “Did you hook up with Paige?”
“No! She landed herself in here and tried to maul me. I passed out when she refused to leave.”
“She is fine, Declan. Not too many guys would pass when she’s offering it up on a platter.”
“Not interested. How was your night?”
“I actually met a very cute girl, Victoria, and had an excellent make-out session.”
“Nice.”
He smiled wistfully. “Yeah, she is nice. She runs track.”
“You’ll have to point her out to me.”
“Will do, Declan. I’m so fucking glad we have a day off from practice, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, I’m beat. I can’t drink like that again after a game. I feel totally dehydrated right now.”
“Breakfast, ten minutes?”
“I’ll be out of the shower in five.”
I spent Sunday lounging around, trying to read but unable to study due to my lingering hangover. Drinking just wasn’t worth it to me. I laid my econ notes on my chest and closed my eyes.
My thoughts returned to the same place they had during every moment of down-time I’d had this week. It was my favorite visual, the one of Anna standing on the dock, shy and innocent. Anna carefully lowering herself into the water. Anna’s face an inch from mine, our breathing audible as I traced two fingers over her shoulders and then down, exploring places on her that I’d never ventured to with any girl before. Everything new, beautiful and sweet.
I wondered what would happen if Anna and I were on that dock again now. How would she look? My body had changed in three years and so had hers. I wanted to see her curves. I wanted to be granted access again. I was burning with a need to kiss her. I wanted to feel connected to her again.
Anna
Next Saturday, Declan had another home game but I gave my tickets to Fiona and Colleen, who dragged a few others with them to fill in the five, center-ice seats.
I’d been with Declan Monday through Thursday nights, ten o’clock sharp, for the nightly run that had gone from being mine to ours. Our conversations became easy and more natural. I no longer felt anxious when I saw him hop out of that ground floor window. I now happily anticipated it.
We still generally kept to safe topics but he might throw a zinger occasionally at me or I might lob one at him. Thursday night he started the jog off with, “So you said you had a boyfriend. Why don’t you tell me about him and then I’ll tell you about my girlfriend?”
“What is this, like that game of ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’ that we played in the lake three years ago?”
“Don’t ever try to tarnish the memory of that night, Clarke. I still consider that one of the best nights of my life.”
I smiled when he’d said that, the kind of smile that just comes from feeling warm all over. I recovered a moment later. “Declan, who says I want to know about your girlfriend?”
He shrugged. “I want to know about your boyfriend.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I guess a part of me always felt like you were—” He stopped mid-sentence, shrugged again and shook his head. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
After a few silent moments I started rattling off facts. “His name is Jonathan. He’s at Marquette. A freshman. Tennis player.” When he didn’t comment, I went on. “I started dating him junior year but we had been friends since ninth grade. We became close friends after Will died. He was one of the few people who treated me like I was normal. He made sure everyone stood by me in school and he made sure I didn’t fall into a self-imposed exile. And I did try to crawl under a rock, believe me. Sophomore year, even when I went off the deep end, he stood by me. He’s always been patient and understanding.”
We had slowed down. Declan might be a well-conditioned athlete but I couldn’t keep a fast pace and simultaneously recite that soliloquy. “He sounds great,” Declan said evenly, his tone just slightly clipped.
“Your turn, Declan. You show me yours,” I laughed but I was tense. I would rather have had my fingernails removed than hear about his girlfriend. I mean, I knew she was coming this weekend. I’d already been alerted by several different people.
“Wait. What did you mean when you said sophomore year you went off the deep end?”
I put my hand on his shoulder to let him know I needed to wa
lk. “Do you know why my parents really sent me to Heart Songs?” I couldn’t help rolling my eyes as I said that fruity name and he laughed. “First of all, they never showed up for the family counseling session on the last day. It was fucking embarrassing but Dr. Ben tried to make me feel like it was no big deal. When I got home, though, they were both sitting on the couch waiting for me—a united front of stupidity. They announced that they were getting a divorce and selling our house. Four months…sixteen weeks after I had to watch my brother’s body being lowered into the ground, Declan. It’s not like I really cared whether or not they were together. I didn’t care if they loved one another anymore, it wasn’t that. It was just the abandonment. I was so…alone.” I looked down and noticed then that Declan had taken my hand at some point. He had his fingers interlaced with mine. I liked it.
“So I turned around and walked out of the house. I left without a key, without my phone, without any money. They didn’t find me for a week.”
“Holy shit, Anna. Where did you go?”
“I just ran towards the woods behind my house and then started taking trails, staying off the main road. Later that night I was probably five miles from my house. My feet hurt and I was hungry but there was no way I was heading home. A guy I vaguely knew who was Will’s age happened to drive by and pick me up.”
When Declan squeezed my hand, I reassured him. “Jeremy was a good guy, he was honorable. He’d played football with Will in high school. He had been at our house a few times. I remembered that my mother had made a snide comment about him once. Jeremy wasn’t like the other boys I went to school with. His family wasn’t wealthy. His father lived on some rich guy’s grounds doing the maintenance work. When I told Jeremy that I couldn’t go home, he understood.” I laughed as I said, “He told me my parents were assholes. I guess my parents had made it clear that they didn’t approve of their son associating with his type. My parents could be like that.” I looked up at Declan, nodding and smiling. “They were assholes.”
“He just let you stay there with him? You were fifteen and he was…”
“Eighteen. Yeah. His father lived in…like a carriage house on the grounds and Jeremy had his own separate, tiny quarters on the other side of it. All we did was hang out, talk, listen to music…he let me try his weed and—best memory ever—he helped me dye my hair black.”
“I don’t think I’m liking Jeremy.”
“No, he’s a good person. He had a girlfriend, she hung out too, she slept over. There was nothing…my virtue was safe, Declan. It’s like Jeremy gave me a vacation from my parents and a makeover.”
“The hair?”
“Jeremy dyed my hair, Vanessa did the piercings.” I lifted my hair to show him my ear. “I also had an eyebrow piercing when I came home but I eventually got rid of it and let the hole close. I’m not that much of a badass.”
“How did you wind up back home?’
“The cops got a tip, came and searched Jeremy’s place, I was rescued. That’s how the story first went. I insisted to the cops that I’d run away and Jeremy wasn’t charged. My parents freaked, of course. Not because they were frantic with concern for me but because I’d disgraced them, socially.” I couldn’t help but laugh, recalling their reaction. “They were so embarrassed! Word had gotten around that I’d shacked up with a bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks. To make things worse, I refused to change my hair color and I went back to school that September looking like Marilyn Manson’s demon bride, whereas I’d once been Sandra Dee.”
“How was that?”
I smirked. “You mean, how did it feel to hear everyone—even people I’d known since first grade—whispering behind my back that I’d been fucking some eighteen year old loser who worked as an electrician’s assistant?” I looked up at him, eyes as dead as I’d felt back then. “I didn’t even care.”
His thumb was rubbing along the back of my hand that he was still holding. I felt like I was back in Dr. Ben’s group, Declan holding my hand as I told everyone about Will. It made me feel safe. “I still feel like spilling, Declan, if you think you can take it.”
“I’ve got all night, Anna.”
We walked, probably for a total of an hour. I told him all about how, despite my best efforts to push everyone out of my life, Jonathan didn’t let me. And since he was the school’s golden boy, people followed his lead. If he was nice to me, they were. If he had his arm around me, then—black hair and piercings or not—I was golden too.
“Sounds like he loves you a lot.”
“He’s loyal. He’s good.”
We were back behind the dorms. He had walked me to my door. “Are you all right, Anna?”
I nodded at him and smiled. “It feels good to talk to you again, Declan.”
“For me too, Anna.”
As I went to open the door I turned back to him. “Did you ever try to call me?”
“What do you mean?”
“Three years ago. Did you ever try to call me?”
“You don’t know?”
I shook my head. “Cell phones were forbidden at Heart Songs, right? And after my week on the run, my parents wouldn’t give my phone back. They were holding it ransom until I ‘stopped acting crazy.’ Which meant until I lost the black hair, the plethora of earrings, and the,” I added air quotes, “slutty clothes.”
He looked far away as I went on. “They gave in eventually, but I was given a new phone with a new number. They’re so clueless they thought a new number would prevent me from having any further contact with,” I waggled my eyebrows dramatically, “the wicked Jeremy.”
He was looking up at the sky then. I couldn’t tell if he was angry, sad or just lost in his own thoughts. “Did you?” I asked again quietly, hoping the question didn’t sound like the wishful plea that it was.
He met my eyes again, forcing a weak smile. “I did.”
Chapter Four
Declan
Tess sat on my bed, flipping through the Freshman Directory, a book with every incoming freshman’s picture, hometown, favorite quote, and major. Terrence, Frank, and Jimmy had rated nearly every female in my copy with the rankings: hell yes, if drunk, or fuck no.
“Your friends are entertaining,” Tess dripped sarcastically as she scanned through the pages.
“I’m glad you at least have the sense to know I didn’t write that crap.”
She met my eyes but didn’t return my smile before returning her attention to the book.
I heard giggling outside my door followed by knocking. It was Melissa and Charlotte, all smiles, rolling out the veritable welcome wagon. “Hi, Tess!” they said, ignoring me as they walked into the room, right past me.
“Hello?” Tess said, unable to hide her uneasiness.
“I’m Melissa and this is Charlotte.”
“Hi!” chirped Charlotte.
Melissa continued, “We figured you could hang with us when the boys leave and we’ll go to the game together later.”
It was a good idea and I trusted Melissa. “Up to you, Tess, but I do have to be there two hours before the game.”
I could tell she’d rather eat glass but she forced a smile and said, “Ok, that’d be great.”
Melissa smiled at Tess warmly while Charlotte looked her over with a big-ass, insincere smile. Melissa said, “Good. Come over when Declan leaves, ok? Next door, Bryant Hall, room 312. We’ll see you later.”
When I closed the door behind them, Tess flopped back on the bed. “Looks like I have a new set of friends…ugh.”
I flopped on top of her. “You’ll like Melissa. She’s genuinely nice. She’s a good friend of Brandon’s from home.”
“You don’t have to tell me that I won’t like the other one, Declan, I already know that.”
“You’re perceptive.”
“Perceptive enough to know she’d like to keep your bed warm.”
I laughed. “You think?”
“Yes. She screams ‘skank’, Declan. Stay away from her.”
&nb
sp; “Done,” I said as I pinned her arms above her and kissed her, hard.
I left for the arena with Brandon an hour later, Tess reassured while I was uneasy. I was uneasy whenever she was here. I loved her, I did. And when it was just us two alone, we were good—better than good. It’s when we were outside of that bubble that things got complicated. And the truth was, I was coming to realize that I wanted out of the bubble.
I didn’t like the idea of Tess spending time with Charlotte and Paige. I was so concerned about it that I’d asked Melissa to please stick to Tess like glue. I knew she would do that for me but my mind wasn’t fully in the game as I sat on the bench. I kept looking up into the stands to where the girls were and I was also looking to the VIP seats where Anna had been a few weeks before. No sign of her, which gave me some relief. I didn’t want Anna to see me tonight, to see my hand in Tess’s.
I knew I’d been treading into dangerous territory these past couple of weeks but I could hardly help it. I couldn’t have been stopped from jumping out my back window at exactly ten o’clock every Monday through Thursday night even if I’d been tied, gagged and bound. The force that drew me to Anna was as powerful as a nor’easter undertow.
When Anna asked me if I’d ever tried to call her three years ago? I was so angry that I’d wanted to punch something and simultaneously, I’d wanted to cry tears of relief. I needed to ask her again. I needed to be sure. She didn’t know that I’d called her? She’d never heard the voicemails? She’d never read the texts? The months after I’d returned home, it had hurt like hell. I felt stupid and foolish, caring so much when it was clear, it seemed to me at the time, that she felt nothing for me in return.
