by Lily Foster
Ryan Warner, our team captain and a teammate I’d really come to look up to and respect, laid into me hard afterwards in the locker room. “As your captain I should be trying to find out what’s going on with you, Declan, but right now I’m too fucking angry to do that. First, you’re a freshman and Gallagher’s a junior. Right there, you are in the wrong. I don’t care if he’d checked your ass right into the stands. Get your shit together and stop acting like a dick, Banks, or you won’t be getting ice time. It’s that simple.”
I tried to talk to Gallagher after practice but by the time Warner had finished ripping me a new one, he’d left. Truth was, I never liked Chris Gallagher—he was cocky and rude—but Warner was right. I had been out of line.
Brandon was there waiting for me. He didn’t say a word until we were sitting in a booth, waiting for our burgers at an off-campus place with Victoria. “Declan, you’re a fucking mess.”
“It’s a mess I made myself, right?”
Victoria smiled at me sympathetically. “Yeah, it’s pretty screwed up, Declan.” She averted her gaze as she slowly dragged a French fry through a wad of ketchup. “Not to add any drama to the situation, but Anna told me she had one extra ticket if I wanted to sit up close with her, Fiona, and Colleen tomorrow. She’s coming to your game.”
“You know what’s crazy?” I asked them. “I want her to be there. I want to look up and see her there.”
“I guess I’m missing something then, Declan,” Victoria said.
Brandon added, “Don’t take this the wrong way, Declan, but you’re always laughing when you’re with Anna. You seem happier.”
I knew that wasn’t entirely true—the always laughing part. Anna and I had always been able to talk to each other and no topic was off-limits. I mean, I’d openly cried in front of the girl. But I knew what Brandon was saying. I was happy, fucking ecstatic, when I was with Anna.
“I’m not unhappy with Tess, you know.” For some reason that I couldn’t exactly pinpoint, I felt like I had to defend that relationship too.
Victoria put her hand on top of mine. “Brandon’s not saying that, Declan. It’s just hard not to make comparisons. You and Anna just seem good for one another. That’s all. And, Declan, we’re kind of worried about you.”
“Yeah,” Brandon said. “What the fuck are you gonna do this weekend? Have you talked about it with Anna?”
“No. What am I going to say, ‘Hey, steer clear for forty-eight hours’? Anna isn’t going to make a scene or anything anyway. She’s got a boyfriend too. It’s not like I’m the only one sneaking around here.”
I saw Victoria give Brandon a look before she said, “I think you’re wrong about that, Declan. Colleen told me that Anna broke up with her boyfriend.”
“When?” I asked, doubtful, noticing then that my hands had clenched into fists.
“I’m not sure exactly but she made it sound like it was a while ago.”
“No,” I said shaking my head, “Anna would have told me.” I think I was trying to reassure myself. Why wouldn’t she tell me that? She really never did talk about the guy, though. After that first time she told me about him during our run, his name hadn’t come up. I put a twenty on the table. “I’m heading back.”
After I made a pit stop at Chris Gallagher’s place, ate crow and apologized, I headed straight for Anna.
“What’s up, Declan? Are you ready for tomorrow? My brother said the goalie for UNH is like a brick wall—nothing gets by the guy.”
“Yeah, I hear the same.” I was trying to be polite but I wasn’t in the mood for small talk. “Fiona, I need to talk to her. Where is she?”
“Anna’s on her way to some art exhibit with people from her class. She said she’ll be back late. It’s for an assignment but she mentioned going out with them afterwards.”
“Do you know where it is?”
“Why? You gonna hunt her down, Declan?” She shook her head. “No, I don’t know where it is.” Fiona’s expression was changing before my eyes from friendly to cautious to disdainful. “She knows, Declan, if that’s what you needed to tell her. The whole freaking dorm knows that your babe is in town for the weekend.”
I was standing by her desk then, looking at her pictures, searching again for evidence of her boyfriend.
“You know, Declan, I don’t think you’re a bad guy so don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t think it’s just that you want to have your cake and eat it too…but that is what you’re doing. You might really care about Anna but you’re not doing right by her. Anna could be dating anyone. Owen? The guy who picked her up tonight? He’s totally into her. It was written all over his face. For Christ sake, Terrence hooked up with me but I know that little creep is really crushing on Anna. My point is…well, what are your intentions here?”
I could almost laugh at the tone of this speech. It was like listening to an overprotective father instead of an eighteen year old girl. But what Fiona was saying was true and it wasn’t funny. I didn’t know what to say so I stuck with the truth. “I care about her, Fiona. I’m trying to fix this.”
I walked around campus in the dark for the next two hours. I was thinking of how Tess would react when she found out. Scared of how she might take that kind of betrayal. What would she do? Angry at her then, resentful of the hold she had on me. And how would Anna feel, seeing me with Tess? I felt guilty, knowing that Anna obviously cared about me. To break up with the person who’d been so good to her in the years after her brother had died—that meant a lot. That thought made me feel good and heavy-hearted at the same time.
I’d have to take what came my way tomorrow. Like I’d said, I was the one who’d made this mess.
Anna
I couldn’t wait to get back to my room. Owen was pulling the full court press on me. He was a junior, very good looking—a fact he was acutely aware of—and making me feel like I should be flattered by his attention. He really wasn’t a bad guy. In fact, under different circumstances, at some other point in my life, if I’d never crossed paths with Declan…I would probably have been into him. It was me. I was agitated and nervous.
The thought of seeing this girl tomorrow had me tied up in knots. I knew I could easily avoid the situation. I could go home this weekend, let Margot and Uncle Vince fuss over me. I could spend the weekend eating great food, shopping with a woman whose credit card knew no limits, otherwise ensconced in my well-appointed, oh-so-comfy room. But no, just as sure as I was of the fact that I loved Declan, I was sure that I had to see her, had to see them with my own eyes.
That old adage about not being able to look away from a car wreck? I knew the wreck was coming, knew that I was going to be the carnage in question, and still, I couldn’t look away. Not only was I not leaving campus, but I had made plans to sit my ass in those rink-side seats, so close that I could see a trickle of sweat drip from his brow.
I imagined he would be sweating.
Fiona had broached the subject tentatively a few weeks ago, after his girlfriend’s last visit. I’d wanted to ask her, get every last detail, but I’d held back with an iron clad will. By Monday, Fiona had been the one ready to burst. “I had an interesting night on Saturday.”
Really? I felt like asking what was so interesting about letting Terrence feel you up. I took a deep breath. “Good for you.”
“When exactly did you get back, anyway?”
“Saturday, late afternoon.”
She scrunched up her face. “I didn’t see you?” She said it more as a question than a statement.
“No, you and Terrence did not seem to notice my presence.”
She threw herself back on the bed. “Ugh. Please tell me you weren’t here the entire time.”
“Nope. I bailed after the opening remarks.”
“Want to refresh my memory?”
“Certainly. Declan’s a dick. He’s leading Anna on. He’s fucking someone else. According to you, that someone else is gorgeous and,” I looked up at her and made a cutesy face laced with as
much venom as I could muster, “she’s sooo nice.”
“Shit, Anna. I’m sorry.” She paused, thoughtful, before she went on. “I don’t think I’d say gorgeous but she’s not exactly unfortunate looking either. I think you’re bullshitting me about the so nice part too. She was neither here nor there. Not a bitch but not super friendly either. But that’s not fair. We didn’t talk for long so I can’t really give an accurate assessment of the girl’s personality.”
“I’m sorry, Fiona. I’m not mad at you, you know that.”
“Are you mad about Terrence?”
“Are you high? Why would I be mad? I like Terrence for you. He’s really nice.”
“He’s nice but that was a one-and-done. I think we make better friends.”
“Why?”
“Um, maybe because he likes to talk about you just a little too much for my taste.” She laughed. “I’m not mad at you either, bitch. It was just a little ridiculous, you know?”
After a minute I said, “What was she like, really?”
Fiona came over to my bed and sat right next to me, putting her arm around my shoulder. “I spoke to them for a total of two minutes, tops. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone over to introduce myself but I’m sorry, part of me wanted to see him squirm.”
“I’m not with him, Fiona.”
“But you kinda are. I mean…the way he looks at you, Anna.” She laughed quietly then. “He looked like he was going to crap his pants when he saw me walking towards them.”
I didn’t want to know but I had to ask. “What’s he like with her?”
“He was holding her hand. They seemed close, you know? But…I wouldn’t say they have a light and easy relationship. He looked a little tense and so did she.”
I felt the need to make sure Fiona wouldn’t be taking the law into her own hands this weekend. If she was bent out of shape the last time Declan had his girlfriend here, when he and I hadn’t even kissed, I worried that this time she’d do something dramatic. I knew she had a strong desire to publically out him. Fiona was as sweet as they came but she was fiercely loyal. And I knew, although she really liked Declan as a person, she was none too happy with what had been going on these past few weeks. She’d advised me more than once to give Declan an ultimatum.
“Fiona?”
“Yes, dearest,” she said as she walked in the door, tossing me a brownie before flopping onto her bed.
I looked at the brownie, smiling. “How cute, you think I need some love, even before I get my heart crushed. You,” I said, pointing at her, “are a good friend.”
“I know it.”
“I’m ok, Fiona, really. And hey…I don’t want you to say anything to him, ok?”
She looked at me apologetically. “Too late for that, Anna. I told him what I thought of this whole situation last night. He came by looking for you. I wasn’t bitchy about it, I promise.”
“What happened?”
“I just told him to be careful with you. I don’t want you hurt, Anna, and I know that’s where this is all heading. He didn’t say much. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. Did he even tell you that she’s coming?”
“No.”
“That’s probably why he was so desperate to know where you were last night. He’s panicking, knowing he’s about to be in the center of a giant cluster fuck.”
“He knows I’m not going to make a scene.”
“I kind of wish you would.”
“No, Fiona. It’s bad enough that I’m going to the game like some pathetic fucking voyeur. I just…I can’t help it. I need to see her.”
“Well, I’ll be right there with you. And don’t worry, I’ll keep my mouth shut. I promise.”
The arena was packed. We were playing the team that had beaten us last year in the semifinals, so this was a grudge match. Fiona filled me in on all this even though I can’t imagine that I seemed very interested. Fiona loved hockey so she could ramble on about it the entire night. It was a good thing too because Brandon’s girlfriend, Victoria, was sitting with us. We all really liked her, she was a friend, but we couldn’t speak freely in front of her. Colleen’s chatter and Fiona’s incessant ramblings about hockey were distractions that lightened the mood. I wasn’t exactly a stimulating conversationalist in my current state of mind.
There were a lot of UNH fans there as well, so when they came out onto the ice first, they were met with cheers. One player seemed cockier than the rest, skating backwards, looking up into the crowd, basking in the adoration. When he skated by us a second time, he seemed surprised and came to a sudden stop, ice spraying off the blade of his skate. He lifted up his helmet and mouthed my name. It took me a second to put a name to that face. It was Shane, another Heart Songs alumni. I remembered Shane and Declan talking hockey back then but didn’t realize or imagine that they’d be playing against each another one day. “Shane!” I yelled, happily. I motioned towards the ice and said, “Declan’s playing,” hoping he could at least read my lips.
“I know,” he said and then he smiled as he made a motion of checking someone hard. “Meet me after,” I could read from his lips as he pointed towards the locker room. I nodded, knowing exactly what I was doing. I mean, I did want to catch up with Shane and all, but I agreed to meet him knowing that I would most likely run into Declan too if I stayed after the game.
“Ok, Anna. Can you explain this to me?” Fiona feigned annoyance. “How does someone who claims to know nothing about hockey, claim no interest in hockey whatsoever, have hockey players stopping mid-skate to say hello to her on multiple occasions?”
“Yeah,” Victoria chimed in, “who was that?”
“Shane Garrison. He and I went to camp together a long time ago.”
“Holy shit, was this like a grief camp for beautiful people?” Fiona smirked.
“What’s grief camp?” Victoria asked but then quickly corrected herself. “Sorry, I mean, that sounds personal.”
“It’s ok, Victoria. My brother was killed, Shane lost some of his close friends in a car accident, and you know Declan lost his mother, right?”
“Yeah. So you all met there? You’ve known Declan for that long?”
“A little over three years. But we lost touch for a long time. I was surprised when I saw him here. Shocked, really.”
“Brandon told me about that. Crazy, right?”
“Crazy,” I repeated. The word applied more to what I was doing tonight. I shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be making plans that would all but guarantee that I’d come face to face with both of them, together.
Declan
“Damn, Banks, that was some game. How many goals you have for the season so far?”
“Four?”
“Don’t say it like a question. You know you remember each and every one of those four goals. It’s impressive for a freshman, Declan, be proud,” Shane said as he clapped me on the back.
“I can’t believe I’m talking to you right now, Shane.”
“You’re hurting my feelings. I guess you haven’t been following my career. I, on the other hand, have been looking forward to playing you this season. Your name is making the rounds, Declan.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“He’s bashful,” Brandon said, bumping my shoulder hard. “I’m Brandon, by the way.”
“Shane Garrison.”
“Good game, Shane. Declan didn’t make it by you too easily but,” Brandon smirked, “he did get by you.”
“That he did.”
“Maybe someday, if I ever get to play, I’ll get by you too.” Brandon couldn’t shake it. He was bitter. Not mad at me, but resentful that I got playing time.
“If it makes you feel any better, I got no time freshman year and a total of twelve minutes sophomore year. Things didn’t start looking up for me until junior year.”
“No,” Brandon said, throwing his head back in frustration. “If I have to sit most of next year too, I’m transferring. I’ll be a starter for University of Honolulu.”
“Declan,” Shane said, returning his attention to me, “I saw Anna! I couldn’t believe it when I spotted her. Is she here visiting you?”
Brandon let out a half cough, half laugh. “Yeah, Declan, is she here for a visit?”
I shot him a look before answering Shane. “She goes to school here, Shane. I didn’t know it until I ran into her a few weeks ago.”
“What a weird fucking coincidence. Are you with her?”
In answer, Tess and Melissa came walking towards us and Tess flung her arms around my neck. “Great game, baby.”
I kissed her cheek and hugged her close to me but I felt sick to my stomach. “Tess, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. Shane, this is my girlfriend, Tess. Tess, Shane Garrison.”
“Hi, Shane.”
“Nice to meet you,” Shane answered, looking unsettled.
“Shane, what are you doing tonight? Can you come out with us?” I asked.
“Uh, yeah. I’m friends with Warner and a few of the other guys on your team. I’m going to their party in—”
“Turner Hall?”
“Yeah. I’m meeting up with Anna too.” He looked over my shoulder then. “Hey! I still can’t believe I spotted you up in the stands. Tonight’s a regular blast from the past. He picked Anna up and spun her around. A little too friendly, I thought.
“Shane,” I interrupted their little reunion, “you still with Jess?” It was stupid of me. I didn’t think before I said it.
He shot me a look with a mocking smile. Was I that easy to read? “Still with Jess,” he said as he lowered Anna back down and turned away from me to face the group of girls that were with Anna. “So, Anna, introduce me to your friends.”
Anna hadn’t looked my way once. She was giving nothing away, I guessed. I was grateful for it but it felt like a kick to the gut at the same time. As she introduced Shane to her girls, a lot more of the players had come out and Shane’s teammates started buzzing around Anna and her friends, introducing themselves. Victoria was standing with us then. “Where were you, Vic? I was looking for you,” Tess said.
