Impossible Love, The Complete Before You Go Series

by James, Clare

  Or … maybe not.

  In the commons, I see two figures in the distance and quickly feel a shot of pain right to the heart. If it didn’t hurt so bad, I would be embarrassed. I should be embarrassed. It doesn’t make any sense. Noah is talking to Jenna, his hands in his pockets as he stands close. Too close. I can’t look at her without feeling a deep rage. It isn’t rational. I’ve known plenty of girls who have it all—the looks, the life, the guy. It never bothered me before, even in my darkest days in Illinois.

  The difference? I know deep down it’s Noah. I also know I’m being ridiculous. I have no claim on him—whether he told the truth about being single or not—but I want to claim him. I want to brand him with a big T.K. across his back. I want to yell, “He’s mine, back off, bitches.”

  As I approach, I keep my eyes on the ground.

  “Hey, Tabby,” Noah says when I walk by.

  I wave and then I reach in my bag. As much as I hate to part with it, I pull his jacket out and hand it to him.

  “Thanks,” he says. “See you in class.”

  “I’ll be there,” I say, pretending Jenna isn’t standing next to him glaring at me. I know she’s checking me out—my pathetic clothes and ponytail—and wondering why the hell someone like Noah is even giving me the time of day.

  I wonder the same thing.

  Still, I can’t stop thinking about him. I guess I’m bound to have feelings for him. He is the first person, other than family, who seems interested in me. Not because of dance. Not because of my cute girlfriends. Not because I have the right hair and the right clothes—because let’s face facts, I am far from rockin’ it these days. The way I feel about him is like that hero worship phenomena, or transference, when patients end up falling in love with their doctor or therapist. We studied it in my psych class last year. I think I’ve got it. My head says, “Perfectly natural, Tab, but definitely not real.” My heart argues, “It’s totally legit, Tabitha. For the first time, someone appreciates the real you.”

  Mmmhmm. I wouldn’t bet on those odds.

  The last class of the day arrives and Professor Sands puts us to work immediately. I turn around and Noah has the same paperback on his desk that I have in my hands, except his is tattered around the edges and has a million dog-eared pages. I hold up my newer version of That Was Then, This Is Now.

  “Great minds, aye?” His voice is thick with his Minnesota accent. “I’m so glad you’ve read this one. It might be my favorite.”

  “Yeah, it’s a good one,” I say. “I think it was the title that lured me in, though.”

  He bites his lower lip, and studies me.

  I pick up his copy and examine the highlights and dog ears. “How old is this book?”

  He closes his eyes and crinkles up his face and I want hug him and smack a huge kiss on the tip of his nose. He is adorable. I think maybe if I get close to him, some of that goodness will wear off on me.

  “It’s only a few years old, but I’ve put it to good use.”

  “Have you finished all the chapter assignments yet?” I ask.

  “I have a few chapters left,” he says.

  “Me too.”

  “Do you want to finish those now and then we can start the project at my place after class?”

  “Okay,” I say without thinking it through. Alone with Noah, I don’t stand a chance. I am weak and lonely. It’s a dangerous combination.

  “Great.” He seems excited. Almost as much as I am.

  I sit sideways in my seat, not willing to turn around, and read. Or, pretend to read, but all I can think about is spending the afternoon with Noah.

  When class lets out, I choose to let myself have this day. No guilt. No past. No psycho behavior. For the next two hours, I’d just let myself be with this guy. This perfect, sweet, and ridiculously sexy guy.

  We walk down Noah’s street. He keeps step with me and stays close.

  “That’s it,” he says and laces his hand in mine, ushering me inside. My breath catches when I feel our skin touch. His hands are big and a little rough, but warm and strong. It feels so good; I don’t think anything has ever felt better. I curl my fingers and tighten my grip, not wanting to ever let go.

  Inside, Noah takes my backpack and sets it next to his on a bench. His place is so him: warm, cozy, and interesting.

  We have the place to ourselves.

  “Don’t you have roommates?”

  Noah shakes his head. “I did, but he moved out. Come on,” he says, pulling me into his room. “It’s more comfortable here.”

  His room is nothing like I pictured in my little imaginative scenario with Noah and Jenna. The walls are pale blue and covered in paintings and framed tapestries and strange paper scrolls. There are religious artifacts everywhere: a golden Buddha, miles of prayer beads, the Star of David, a frame with words to the Serenity Prayer, even a crucifix. The room has a soothing feel to it, but it’s weird.

  There’s no futon as I imagined, just a nice big comfy bed with loads of pillows and a navy comforter. There’s a desk in one corner, piled with books, papers, and no Jenna photos as far as I can see. And, surprise, surprise, in the other corner sits a keyboard and two guitars. I knew I picked up the musician vibe.

  Noah messes around with his iPod before placing it in a docking station. He kicks back on the bed and pats the edge for me to join him. “What do you think?” he says.

  “I had you for the music for sure, but I’m not sure what to make of the whole rabbi-Dalai Lama-priest-monk thing you have going on here.”

  “Does it creep you out?” His eyes search mine.

  “No, why? Should it?”

  “No. God, I hope not.”

  “So what gives? Where did you get all this stuff?”

  “Here and there,” he says. “There’s a Tibetan shop in Linden Hills and a bunch of random stores in Uptown. Plus, my parents travel for work. They brought me back a few things from China and India.”

  “Why the interest in global religions?

  “You know how we talked about going through rough times?”

  I nod.

  “Learning about different religions and getting into some of this stuff helped pull me out of mine. Now I find it more fascinating than anything else.”

  “Very productive. You know, a lot of people take a different route when they hit a rough patch. Drugs, sex, isolation. I’m impressed you went the other way.”

  “Don’t be. I’m not saying I didn’t go through some of that stuff first.” He winks.

  I want to ask him what happened. I want to know if his rough spot was as bad as mine, but I know we’re not ready to go there. I know I’m not. “You’re an interesting guy, Noah Adler,” I say. “I’ll give you that.”

  I accept his invitation and move to sit on the edge of his bed.

  “You’re interesting too, Tabitha Kelly.”

  He catches my arms that currently hold my body on his bed and lets them, and me, drop onto his pillows.

  “Take a load off.” He drops a pillow on my head. “Let’s relax a little before we get to work. I want to know more about you.”

  I look into his blue eyes and take a breath, then I tell him about me…just a little.

  ***

  As the weeks pass, I spend a lot of “study time” at Noah’s and he does get to know more about me. More than I would like.

  Today he is relentless.

  “What more could you possible want to know?” I ask.

  “I haven’t even got to all the basics yet,” he says before firing off a million questions. “What do you want to be when you grow up? How many kids do you want to have?”

  I roll my eyes.

  “Okay, then, something less personal,” he says. “What’s your favorite movie?”

  “I can’t tell you that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it might change your opinion of me.”

  “Come on,” he says, pinning me down. “Tenacious reporter, remember? I won’t give up until
I have my answer.”

  “Stop,” I tell him, his breath on my neck driving me crazy. “Okay,” I say between giggles. “Okay. It’s Dirty Dancing.”

  “What?” Noah asks, sitting up now and looking at me like I’m his most fascinating interview.

  “You heard me.”

  “Nobody puts baby in the corner? Really, Tab. Isn’t that movie like fifty years old?”

  “Yeah, yeah. I know. I can’t help it. I love the dancing.”

  “But it’s dirty dancing. I’d think you’d be more into Black Swan or something.”

  “Mmmhmm.” I slap his chest. “The only reason you know about that movie is because of the girl-on-girl action.”

  “I cannot confirm or deny.” He wraps his arms around me. “But really. Dirty Dancing?”

  “Have you even watched it?”

  “I can’t say I have.”

  “No judgment then. It’s so good, and the dance scenes are amazing—it’s not even acting. You can tell they’re all really feeling it. I just love that. And the music.” I sigh. “And Patrick Swayze.”

  “I knew it; always about the men with you chicks,” Noah says, his hand resting on the small of my back. A layer of cotton is between us, but his touch is still electric. He leans in and brushes his lips against my neck.

  And I want more.

  Even though it scares the hell out of me.

  A moan slips from my throat at his touch. I’ve had to keep myself so controlled around Noah for the past few weeks—not an easy feat when I know how good he is with his hands, and his mouth, and…ugh! I’m starting to unravel. I need to take control of this—whatever this is—if I want to get out of it in one piece. Maybe if I lead, if I keep it purely physical…maybe then, I can get what I want.

  Noah.

  But I have to be in control. I’m not ready to hand over my heart again.

  Noah opens his mouth to say something, but I interrupt.

  “Is it okay if we just hang out here for a while and not talk?” I ask him gently.

  “Too many questions?” he asks, looking hurt.

  I nod, but slip my hands under his shirt before he can be too wounded.

  There. Advantage: me.

  I rest my head in the crook of my arm, using the other to explore his lower back and shoulders. I slide in closer and Noah’s breath hitches.

  I’m doing it.

  My hand comes around his body to his chest, where I let it drift over his lean muscle. Getting a little daring, I trail my thumb over his nipple.

  And that’s all it takes.

  He crushes into my lips and kisses me, really kisses me, and I take the plunge, not thinking about anyone or anything other than him.

  We kiss. And kiss. Soft and slow at first. I’m lost in the feeling. In Noah. He smells like peppermint and tastes sweet; a soft, folky song plays in the background. Everything is perfect.

  The kisses become more intense and he leans into me. My body responds to his and pushes back while the music echoes in my head. I’ve never felt this before, even when things started getting heavy with Thomas it wasn’t like this. I didn’t want to crawl into his skin or tell him how special he was.

  I want all of that with Noah, but I’m not sure I can. I’m not sure he’d want to continue if he knew the real me, if he knew the whole story. The guys at my old school—even the nice ones—looked at me like I was damaged goods once the word was out. I wonder if Noah would be like them.

  But the more my mind drifts to the past, my body works overtime to keep me in the present. Each touch, each sensation is heightened. Then in one fluid movement, Noah has me flipped over and trapped under him. His lips continue their rough assault and his hand snakes under my shirt.

  It makes me nervous; I need to take charge again.

  I take his hand and pull it off my bare skin, struggling under his weight. He lifts up to relieve the pressure, and that’s when I launch myself on top of him. Straddling his hips, I use my hands to push my full body weight down on his chest.

  All me.

  His eyes grow wide, like he’s waiting to see what I’ll do next.

  I lean back and pull my shirt over my head. Noah’s hands travel to my ribs, gripping me, before moving to my breasts. Again, I grab his hands and place them down by his sides.

  I reach behind my back and unclasp my bra.

  “I really wanted to do that,” Noah says, his voice strained.

  With a slight adjustment of my shoulder, the bra falls off.

  Noah exhales. His eyes burn my skin.

  “Touch me.” I give him permission.

  He obliges, watching me closely as if he now understands that I need to be in control. He leans up to touch me and taste me.

  Soon I want more.

  I guide his hand between my legs and know it will take nothing to make me come undone. But before he touches me, Noah stops.

  He shifts our position, dropping me to his side as he takes the hand I was using to guide him and slowly moves it to my chest, holding it tightly in place.

  “My turn,” he says, his face determined. All playfulness gone.

  His free hand finds its way back between my legs and I have to bite my lip to hold in a scream.

  “Tabby,” he warns when I start to protest.

  This time, without my guidance, his fingers brush over me and find the perfect spot. When they do, they press down.

  I tell myself that I want to go through with it.

  I want him.

  Still, I want control even more.

  Red lights flash behind my eyes signaling potential disaster to my brain. And that’s when my body shuts down.

  “Stop,” I say, my voice hoarse. “Stop!”

  Noah releases me and stills instantly. “What?” his voice is raspy too. “What’s wrong?”

  I bury my head in his neck, grip his hands, and hold us still until our breathing slows. He follows my lead, but doesn’t seem mad or frustrated. I talk myself down from blinking red to a cool blue and loosen my grip on his hands. Noah swoops his arms around me, pulling my head to his chest.

  “Sorry,” I tell him, looking up. “I just get a little nervous.” I wave it off, but his expression tells me he’s not buying it. “It helps if I can—” I stop, not quite sure how to say it.

  “Be in control,” Noah finishes for me.

  “Yep.” I exhale. It feels good to admit.

  “Can you tell me why?”

  I shake my head. Telling him why would mean telling him about Thomas and I’m not ready to do that.

  “Tabby.” Noah squeezes his protective arm around me. “You like me, right?”

  “Yes.” I smile. “I think we’ve established that.”

  “And you want to be with me?” His eyes warm, turning me to mush all over again.

  “I’d say so. Haven’t you been here for the last thirty minutes?”

  “Okay. Good.” He rubs my arms. “So, if we’re going to try this, you have to trust me to be in control sometimes. I want this to be an equal relationship of give and take.”

  He meets my eyes and runs the back of his hand along my cheek.

  I nod, because it’s what I want too.

  “I mean, as hot as it is to have you go all dominatrix on my ass, you need to share that control with me, Tabby, for us to have a chance. Do you think you can do that?”

  My body shouts, Hell yes! My brain, not so much. I wish I could tell him why I need control. How it helps me feel safe. How when your will is taken from you, the last thing you want to do is give it up again freely.

  I think the only way I’ve been able to move on from what Thomas did to me, is by staying in control—being the one person to say where, when, and how. Even if I haven’t officially completed the mission yet.

  “I don’t know, Noah,” I tell him honestly.

  “Hey, I’m not asking to have carte blanche in this relationship,” he says. “That’s not healthy either. I just want equal footing. And more importantly, I want you to
feel safe with me.”

  “I want to, but I don’t know if I can. This is the third time I’ve had to put the brakes on things. I don’t know how to get past that.”

  Noah sets his jaw. “I wish you’d tell me why. I think I could help.”

  It’s too late for that, I tell him in my mind. Still, I do think I could start over with Noah. Not fix the past, but maybe start a new future.

  Dr. Payne once told me suffering a sexual assault is almost like a death. It’s like you become defined by life before the assault and life after. That’s exactly how I feel. The before me was fun, trusting, and innocent. But she seems so far away, I’m not sure I’ll ever see her again. And I’m stuck with the after me—distant, mistrusting, lost.

  What if I could leave them both behind?

  “We’ll figure it out, Tab,” Noah says with such confidence it’s hard not to believe him.

  Yet, my head continues to spin and my eyes grow heavy. This has been more exhausting than therapy.

  “I’m so tired,” I tell him with a yawn.

  “Okay,” Noah says, stroking my hair.

  “Can we just rest here awhile?” I snuggle into his pillow.

  “I can’t think of anything I’d like better.” He laces his fingers in mine and pulls me close.

  Noah is asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow. My craziness is taking its toll on him too. I listen to his breathing, trying to relax and quiet my mind. It doesn’t work and soon I’m sliding into those memories. The ones I want to forget.

  I jolt up, wanting to wake Noah. I’d rather answer all of his questions than wallow in my unwelcomed thoughts. I’m so frustrated, I could scream. But I don’t. Instead my eyes well up and before I can stop it, a tear drops.

  Noah’s sleepy eyes open. He studies me. His face drops with my tear. My cheek is wet and I shift to hide it.

  Most guys would look away and change the subject, but not Noah. He stares at me with concern covering his face. Yes, he’s definitely one of the good guys. I give my best attempt at a giggle to blow off this uncomfortable mess. It doesn’t work. He can see right through me.

  “Tabby, I’m sorry I didn’t know you were upset. I wouldn’t have slept—”