by Amanda Ashby
Matt widened his eyes as he tried to process what this meant. He knew that Julia had had Kate at a young age, which meant her mother was probably in her early forties. Not ideal, but not unheard of, and . . . Andy.
His whole body stiffened.
Julia was having a baby after what had happened to Kate’s younger brother. He let out a silent gasp as he looked at her face, like he could suddenly see the roller coaster of emotions that she was experiencing behind her tear-laden eyes. It had been painful enough for her to tell him what had happened, but it was obvious that she was now reliving it all again.
He also knew that there was absolutely nothing he could say to make her feel better. How could there be when he hadn’t gone through any of that? Yet the urge to help was overwhelming and before he could stop himself he reached over and wrapped his arm around her. He half expected her to push him away, but instead her entire body leaned into him and, despite the awkward space, he pulled her as close as he could as gigantic sobs racked her body.
He tightened his grip on her, not bothering to speak.
Matt wasn’t sure how long they sat there, with the silence only broken by Kate’s sniffing. But finally she looked up, her brown eyes watery and the red smudges beneath her eyes now purple. Then she let out a horrified gasp as she wriggled out of his grasp.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to off-load like that. And your shirt’s probably ruined now from all the crying.”
“My shirt can cope, Kate,” he said. “And please don’t apologize. I’m just glad I found you when I did. I’m guessing it was quite a shock.”
“Understatement of the year,” she said, sounding more like her normal self. “Out of all the things I thought Julia might tell me, this wasn’t one of them. How could she even consider it? I just don’t understand.”
“I wish I could give you an answer.” Matt once again felt helpless to do anything other than just sit there and try not to kiss her trembling mouth. “Did she seem pleased about it?”
Kate nodded. “That’s the part that makes it the hardest. She’s happy and if I was any kind of daughter I guess I’d be happy for her too. But right now I’m just so angry. It’s like she’s making me go through the one thing that I’m most afraid of. How can she not see that?”
“Kate—” Matt started to say but she shook her head.
“It’s okay.” She let out a weary sigh. “I don’t expect you to have answers. Maybe there aren’t any. I mean, it’s not like I can stop it, so I guess I just need to deal with it the best I can.”
“Will you go back and talk to her about it?”
“Not yet. You saw my last attempt. I think I need a bit of time and space before I can discuss it,” she said before she let out a throaty laugh. “You must be thinking that you had a lucky escape from me.”
“Far from it.” Matt shook his head and wanted more than anything to grab her into his arms and try and smooth away the tears and pain. But he knew that was the last thing she needed.
In fact, he finally realized that every word she’d said to him had been true. Her fear of having a baby wasn’t something he could just overcome with a few well-thought-out words or speeches. He wasn’t even sure it was something she could overcome, and why should he try and make her?
Guilt raced through him that he’d ever put her in this position. What kind of person was he? And worst was that he finally figured out why she was in a parking lot staring at desolate steel creations. Because she had nowhere else to go. He’d effectively forced her to leave her home, and thanks to Julia’s pregnancy she could no longer stay there either.
He couldn’t fix anything else between them but he could fix this.
“Kate, I think you should move back into your studio.”
“Matt, you know why I can’t do that.” She shook her head as her mouth trembled. “When I was there the other day I saw how you looked and I know that if I went back you would keep doing that thing with your eyes and your charming words until eventually I caved in.”
“Okay, first, I’m not sure what the eye thing is but I can promise that if you move back there’ll be no more eyes and definitely no more words, charming or otherwise. In fact there’ll be no more me. I can’t move out right now but I can give you my word that I won’t come into your gallery and if I see you on the street all I’ll do is smile and talk about the weather.”
“Do you really mean that?” She let out a soft gasp, and for the first time since that night on his doorstep he could see some of the light reappear in her eyes. And while it was the last thing he wanted, he also knew it was the right thing to do.
“I do. Scout’s honor. And before you ask, yes, I was a legitimate Scout, which means I’ve sworn to be a good neighbor.”
A watery smile hovered around her mouth. “I don’t doubt that for a second. But thank you, Matt. I’m not sure it’s what I deserve but all the same, I’m grateful.”
Matt was silent as he slowly got out of the old van. Kate was right. It wasn’t what she deserved. She deserved a guy who could give her everything she wanted, and for the time he realized that he was not that guy. And that really sucked.
Chapter Sixteen
“So, you really haven’t seen him?” Jenny said four days later as she sat on the old couch in Kate’s studio and thoughtfully twirled her wineglass.
“Nope.” Kate rolled her shoulders to try and loosen the knots from spending the day up on the scaffolding, working on the mural. “Knowing Matt he’s probably worked out a timetable so that he can make sure he’s not around when I’m coming or going.”
“It does sound like the kind of thing he’d do,” Jenny agreed before sighing. “You do realize that he is being the perfect gentleman about this.”
“I know,” Kate agreed as she forced herself to smile, while trying to ignore the fact that part of her almost hoped they’d run into each other so she could say thank you for his kindness during her breakdown in the van. Not that she was really surprised. After all, one of the first things that she’d loved about him was the fact that he was a nice guy. So the fact that a small part of her wanted him to be less understanding was probably unreasonable.
Her mood didn’t improve.
“Everything okay?” Jenny narrowed her eyes and Kate nodded.
“Of course. Yup, couldn’t be better.” Well, apart from the fact she was going to be alone forever. Or that the man who still haunted her dreams was living next door and that eventually he would get a new girlfriend and they would have babies together and Kate would be forced to watch them come and go while she and Socrates grew old and grumpy. Oh yes, she was just fine.
“O-kay, then.” Jenny put down her half-finished wine and got to her feet. “And for the record, I know you’re lying but since I promised I’d respect your decision, even if I don’t understand it, I’m not going to give you a hard time.”
“And that’s why I love you,” Kate assured her friend as she walked Jenny through to the gallery, which was looking much better now that it didn’t have a gaping hole in the ceiling.
“I am pretty awesome,” Jenny agreed before looking out the window and frowning. “Oh, dear. I think you’ve got company.”
Matt? Kate’s heart pounded against her ribs as she followed her friend’s gaze out the window. But instead of seeing her neighbor, she saw Julia climbing out of a sleek BMW.
“I can stay if you want,” Jenny said in a softer voice. “Or go and talk to her and tell her that you’re not ready yet.”
“No, it’s fine.” Kate tried to control her breathing. She hadn’t seen her mother since their fight and while they’d had a couple of short text messages, Kate knew that she had to face her at some stage. She’d just been hoping it might be later. “I guess I might as well get it over and done with.”
“Okay. But, Kate, as hard as this on you, it must be hard on her too. And pregnancy does str
ange things to a person, so if nothing else, be kind to her.” Jenny gave her hand a gentle squeeze and Kate nodded.
“I will,” she promised, since she knew full well that Jenny was right and that she owed Julia an apology for walking out on her the other night. It was just that knowing and doing were such different things.
She watched as Julia and Jenny had a quick conversation on the street before her mother stepped into the gallery. Her face was less drawn than the other night and she was wearing a black-and-white-spotted sundress with a yellow cardigan over it. She looked like she’d stepped out of one of Kate’s paintings, and for the first time Kate wondered if her love of color had come from her mother’s love of clothing.
“I hope you don’t mind that I’m here,” Julia said in a tentative voice. “I know you need time to process everything, but I just wanted to check up on you.”
“It’s okay. I know we need to talk and I guess with a baby on the way, there’s a deadline, so it might as well be now,” Kate said as she nodded for Julia to follow her out to the studio so they could go upstairs. “Would you like a cup of tea?”
“Sure.” Julia nodded her glossy curls and followed her. “Oh, and I brought you something. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Depends what it is. If it’s spiders, then I mind,” Kate said, trying to keep the mood light and stop her emotions from overwhelming her.
Julia managed a smile. “No spiders. It’s actually an old painting you did. I was going through some things and I found it.”
“Oh.” Kate widened her eyes as Julia carefully smoothed out an old crayon sketch. Judging by the bright colors and the stick figures, she must’ve only been about five or six, and she unconsciously smiled as she studied it.
It was of a young girl in a circle with sunbeams poking out like wheel spikes, and at the end of each one were some of Kate’s favorite things: a cat, a piece of cake, what looked like some roller skates, a music note, a tree, and someone with chestnut-colored hair. Julia?
“I guess we must’ve been friends once,” Julia sighed as she sat down at the table and smoothed down her skirt. But there was no judgement in her voice, just sadness. “Katie, I know this is hard but I need to ask you about Andy. I need to know if you’ve forgiven me for what happened.”
Kate wondered if the world had stopped spinning.
Because suddenly she felt like she was trapped in a surrealist painting where absolutely nothing made any sense at all. The pounding in her head had now ceased completely and all she could hear was the regimented ticking of the kitchen clock. This was the conversation they’d been avoiding for years, except that it was all back-to-front and muddled around.
“I don’t understand,” Kate finally managed to answer as the memories poured into her mind. Her brother laughing and giggling, his first attempted crawl, his three newly developed teeth. All so precious. All so gone. All her fault. “Why should I forgive you? It should be you trying to forgive me.”
“Forgive you?” Julia looked at her blankly.
“What happened to Andy.” Kate choked for a minute but now that the floodgate was opened the words poured out. “If I’d only checked him again. Made sure he was all right, then none of it would’ve happened.”
“Stop.” Her mother commanded, and for a minute Kate thought Julia was going to strike her, so dark was the expression that overshadowed her face. “Don’t you ever say that again. What happened to Andy had nothing to do with you. Nothing. Do you understand?”
But Kate hardly heard her. “First Andy and then Errol. It was my fault both of them left,” she whispered. “Then you got sick. I’m so sorry.”
“Is that really what you think, Katie?” Her mother stared at her in horror. “Is that what you’ve been thinking for all of these years?”
“Yes.” Kate slowly nodded her head, surprised at the relief she felt in finally talking about it. “And you think it too. You had a breakdown, remember? You had to go away, and then when you came back, you could hardly look at me.”
“Oh, Katie. How did we make such a mess of this?” Julia started to shake. “You have to know that what happened to Andy was something none of us could’ve prevented. And Errol leaving—well, perhaps I could’ve stopped that, but at the time I was too caught up in my own grief. And guilt. What kind of mother leaves a twelve-year-old girl to babysit? It was wrong of me. I should never have put you through it. It drove me crazy.”
Kate stared at her mother with a baffled expression on her face. “I don’t understand. Is that why you had your breakdown?”
Julia rubbed her brow. “In part. I guess I was just overwhelmed and at the time when they sent me away, it seemed like the easiest solution. But when I recovered and came back to collect you from my mother’s house, I could see in your face what it had been like, and all the guilt came back again. I never should’ve let them talk me into leaving you there. But the more I tried to make it up to you—”
“The worse things got,” Kate finished off, her mouth dry. At least this part of the story she remembered. But everything else? It was like seeing a movie made by two different people. “How did this happen? How could we both be feeling guilty about the same thing?”
“Because we both loved him so much and neither of us were ready to lose him,” Julia said in a tiny voice as she stood up and joined Kate on the other side of the table. “I suppose we should’ve talked about it at the time, but I just didn’t know how. It was so hard and it’s not something I’ve ever excelled at.”
“I know,” Kate whispered as her mother embraced her like she was just a small child. She wasn’t sure how long the pair of them sat there in silence, but finally Kate started to get a crick in her neck and she pulled away slightly. The relief at having unburdened herself about the guilt she’d carried for her defenseless baby brother was immense. “So, what happens now?”
“Honestly, I don’t know.” Julia shook her head as she sat back down and cradled her stomach. “But you were right. This baby does directly affect you too, and I shouldn’t have blurted it out the way I did.”
“I’m starting to think that blurting was the only way to do it,” Kate was forced to admit. “And I never should’ve walked out like that. I’m so sorry. I just got trapped in it all.”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” Julia said, her violet eyes sparkling with tears. For a moment the pair of them sat in silence as a peace settled around them.
“What if it happens again?” Kate finally asked.
“Then I’ll have to deal with it,” Julia said softly. “Though, I sincerely hope it doesn’t. But although this baby wasn’t planned, I can’t live my whole life in fear. And look how much time you and I have lost because we were too scared to talk about how we felt. All I know is that since I’ve met Phillip, it’s like I’ve been woken up. I guess I don’t want to sleepwalk through my life anymore.”
It took Kate a while to digest what her mother was saying. It sounded so right and so normal. It made so much sense, but she still wasn’t sure if it was that easy. That if having the responsibility for a baby would be something that she could cope with. Despite her mother’s assurances that Andy’s death wasn’t her fault she still couldn’t help but feel she’d let him down. What if she did it again?
But as her thoughts jumped around in her mind in random chaos, she found her eyes kept being drawn back to the small swell of Julia’s stomach, thinking in amazement that there was life being created in there. A human being.
“So you’re really pregnant,” she said in awe.
“I really am. Just over three months. I have a photo of the scan if you’d like to see your new brother or sister,” her mother said in a shy voice.
“Um, okay.” Kate’s hands were shaking as Julia lifted out a grainy black-and-white photo and passed it over, but her nerves were replaced by confusion. “You might have to show me what I’m looking at here.”<
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A soft smile spread across her mother’s face as she leaned over. “I can do that. Just follow my finger and look for the tiny bean-shaped thing in the center.”
Kate wrinkled her brow before finally seeing it, and she stared at it in awe. So that’s what she’d been afraid of all this time. Then she looked at her mother and reached out for her hand. The next six months were going to be strange for both of them. But maybe Julia was right. Maybe it was time to stop sleepwalking through life. For the first time since her breakup with Matt, Kate almost felt like smiling.
Chapter Seventeen
“Matt, you’re hilarious,” the small blonde informed him as she took another sip of her drink. “Did the twins really put homemade glue in your aftershave?”
“Oh yes.” Matt rubbed his chin at the memory. “And it took me a week before the rash went away. My sister assured me it was only flour and water. But I’m sure there was some other top-secret ingredient in there.”
Rachel hiccupped with delight. “What a pair. I’d love to meet them. My three nephews are exactly the same. Last week when I was babysitting they . . .”
“See,” Keith mouthed from across the table as he raised his eyebrows in a series of maneuvers, which Matt assumed was to tell him what a great idea the whole thing was. Yeah, great idea if you liked being stuck on a double date with Keith, his scary producer and Rachel from the website competition.
It had been a month since Matt had made his promise to stay away from Kate and it had dragged by with irritating slowness. Every minute an hour, every hour a reminder that he was back to square one.
It was very frustrating—in every sense of the word—but that’s not why he’d eventually agreed to go out on Keith’s stupid dinner. The reason for that was because if he kept refusing, he was sure his friend would continue to haunt him for the rest of his life. Possibly longer, and in the end it was easier to just give in.
And he had to admit the evening wasn’t nearly as excruciating as he’d imagined. They’d all met up at a hip downtown restaurant and had managed to keep a steady flow of conversation going past the appetizers and through the main course, and as the waiter handed out the dessert menus with a flourish, Matt started to think maybe he could relax slightly.
