And just like that, she turns on her heel and marches away from us. Turning her back just like she’s done a thousand times before. I can feel my heart straining at the fault lines where it’s already been broken—by Dad’s death, the dissolution of our family, the distance that’s built up between me and my beloved sisters. Even though our mother’s alive and well, I feel like I’m about to lose her now, too. Although judging by the ease with which she walks away from us now, maybe that already happened a long time ago.
“I just… I can’t believe her,” Sophie says, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.
“I can,” Anna replies flatly, taking a big sip of wine, “As far as I’m concerned, this is pretty in-character for good ol’ Robin.”
“Do you think she’ll really stay here with John?” I ask them, heart rattling in my chest. “Maybe she’s just bluffing.”
“Now she’ll stay, just to spite us,” Sophie scoffs through her tears. “Where do you think you got your competitive streak from, Maddie? We’ve dared to challenge her. Now we’re the ones who are going to pay.”
I lean heavily against the chair, feeling panic growing in the pit of my stomach. Against my own good sense, I’d let some little part of myself start to believe that this trip didn’t need to be the end of me and Cash. If our parents were simply going to part ways after this, maybe there could have been some future for us. Stranger things have happened, right? But so long as Mom and John’s relationship is moving forward, harboring fantasies about a future with Cash is just asking for heartbreak down the line.
And if this well-worn heart of mine breaks one more time, I’m not sure there will be any putting it back together again.
“Fuck her,” Sophie spits suddenly, “If she cares that little about us, why don’t we just follow her lead? What if we just took a stand and cut her out of our lives, right now? If the three of us broke off from her, think of how much happier—”
“If any of us could stand to abandon her completely, we would have already,” I cut Sophie off, “No matter how badly she hurts us, she’s still family. That’s not something you can ever forget.”
A long silence engulfs us. I can see in my sisters’ pained eyes that they know this truth as well as I do—family isn’t something you get to choose for yourself. Even if you estrange yourself, disown your roots, run as far away as you can, you can never entirely sever that bond. Didn’t the three of us come running to this lake house the minute our mother called? Didn’t the Hawthorne boys flock back here too, despite their toxic relationships with John? Like it or not, we are all our parents children.
The question now is, how do we learn to live with that?
The growl of the Hawthornes’ pickup truck sounds out in the night, rumbling up the driveway toward us. Through the mud-specked windshield, I can see that Cash is riding shotgun while John drives. Luke and Finn are riding in the truck bed with some leftover construction materials. One look at John’s solemn, weathered face is all it takes to send Anna dashing off into the house. She can’t even bear the sight of the man who’s helping our mother disassemble our past. Sophie goes stock still as the pickup pulls to a stop in the driveway. But the second the Hawthorne men start walking our way, she bolts as well.
I’m the sole sentry guarding John’s path as he approaches, flanked by his sons. My arms are crossed tightly across my chest, barely reigning in my clamoring heart. I take in the sight of this upstanding, bearded woodsman, conflicting emotions churning through my blood. On the one hand, I’m grateful that my mother’s found someone she cares about, assuming that she does. I never expected or wanted her to be alone for the rest of her life. Truly, I’d be thrilled if she found a good man to love.
But at the same time, I’m having trouble believing that John is that man. After everything Cash has told me about his father—the abuse, the distrust, the coldness—I can’t imagine how he could be good for my sensitive, flighty mother. I mean, John must know that selling the Vermont house would crush me and my sisters. The only thing he’s truly ignorant to is what else a union between him and my mother would ruin. Namely, any chance of Cash being part of my life, in the way I want him to be.
“Hey there, Maddie,” John says from the bottom step, turning his handsome, rugged face toward me, “You holding down the fort for us?”
“Something like that,” I reply, hugging my arms even tighter to my chest. I watch Cash’s brow furrow as he picks up on my distress. I can’t hide a damn thing from him. Not ever.
“Where’s Robin and the girls?” John goes on, noticing the array of untouched food and wine on the porch, “I thought you were going to have yourselves a girls night or something?”
“Girls night was kind of a bust,” I tell them.
“Oh. What happened?” Luke asks, tucking his hands into his pockets. He tries to sound unattached, but I’m sure his mind is on Sophie. He’s protective of her, for whatever reason. And while I may not know the specifics of their relationship, I can’t say I’m not glad that there’s someone looking out for her.
“Well,” I say shortly, “Mom broke the news about moving in here with your dad. Permanently. And selling our childhood home. So that kind of put a damper on things.”
All three boys’ whip around to face their father, whose face hardens into stone.
“Dad…What?” Luke asks his father.
“Ah, shit…” John sighs, rubbing his jaw, “I meant to tell you boys myself, but—”
Without saying a word, Finn walks off around the house, his face unreadable. Luke stares at his father, rightfully indignant. But Cash’s eyes swing back to my face instead. He knows as well as I do that our parents getting more serious means an end to us. For good. And the angry sorrow roiling in his eyes is enough to do me in. I try and blink back the tears that gather in my eyes, but I know the levees won’t hold for long.
“Dad, I really don’t know about this,” Luke says, trying to remain diplomatic.
“There’s nothing for you to know about,” John shoots back gruffly, “Robin and I decided, and now it’s done.”
“OK, but… It’s our home too,” Luke says slowly, his hands clenching.
“Is it?” John laughs in his middle son’s face, “I didn’t realize. Do you build this damn place up out of nothing? Have you ever paid a cent to live here?”
“All I mean is, this place is important to all of us,” Luke goes on heatedly. “You could have done us the courtesy of asking—”
“Asking?” John growls, rounding on Luke. “You want me to ask you for your blessing to do as I please in my own goddamn house?”
A jolt of real fear pierces me as John loses control of his temper. Cash has told me stories about his dad’s anger issues, the way he can be totally calm one minute and throwing punches the next. So far, I’ve never seen it happen…but I get the feeling that’s about to change.
“Of course not, Dad,” Luke tells his father, “But—”
“But nothing,” John shouts, taking a looming step toward his son. Though the Hawthorne boys each clear six feet easily, John is still the tallest by a couple of inches. His shoulders are squared as he all but snarls down at his middle son, “You may pull your weight around here, Luke, but don’t get to thinking that I need your say-so to do anything I goddamn please.”
“Don’t get in my face, Dad,” Luke warns his father, holding his ground.
“What’s that?” John snarls, giving Luke a hard shove in the chest.
“Hey!” Cash snaps, taking a quick step toward them.
“Stay out of this,” John tells his oldest son.
Luke lifts his chin defiantly, unwilling to back down. I grab hold of the porch railing, adrenaline coursing through my body. I’ve never been around this sort of raw, physical aggression before. And I certainly don’t want to be now.
“You think I owe you some kind of explanation?” John goes on, backing Luke across the lawn, “I’ve put a roof over your heads and food on your plates for twenty-six god
damn years. I’m handing over my business—the business I built from scratch—right on over to you without you having to lift a finger. Don’t tell me I owe you anything.”
“Without having to lift a finger?” Luke snaps, stopping dead in his tracks, “I’ve been busting my ass for that business since I was a kid. I’ve devoted my whole life to this family. Do you have any idea—”
“Don’t you raise your goddamn voice to me,” John snarls, jabbing a finger into Luke’s hard chest.
“Don’t you lay a fucking finger on me,” Luke shoots back, knocking his father’s arm away. “Haven’t you had your fill of beating up on—”
I leap back as John throws himself at Luke, tackling him to the ground. They roll across the grass, a tangle of limbs and flying fists. Cash lunges toward them at top speed, throwing himself into the fray.
“Get the fuck off him, Dad!” he roars, dragging his father away from Luke.
John loses his footing as Cash gets hold of him. Luke scrambles to his feet as his dad rounds on Cash, swinging wildly. Cash dodges every blow—and I can see now that he’s used to countering his father’s attacks. John moves through these motions without remorse, without surprise. It’s something the Hawthorne boys have been trained to expect all their lives. But as many times as John swings at Cash, Cash refuses to stoop to his level. He finally manages to pin his father’s arms behind his back, though the restraining hold only seems to make John angrier.
“Let me go,” he roars, writhing furiously.
“Not until you stand down,” Cash answers, his voice surprisingly calm. I realize that it wasn’t just his childhood that prepared him to take on his dad, it was his Army training too. Cash could probably level John with what he learned in the military, but he refuses to pick on a weaker man…whether weaker of body or weaker of character.
“Now you want to be fucking noble,” John growls, pulling free of Cash at last and pacing away from his sons, “After throwing away everything I gave you, wasting every opportunity, and fucking up the one thing you ever did commit to, you want to come back here and save the day? Not gonna happen, kid.”
“Don’t worry Dad,” Cash says through gritted teeth, “I gave up on trying to save you a long time ago.”
Wordless rage smothers John’s response. The weathered old man spits on the grass at his feet and turns away, storming off into the house. I cringe away as he brushes past me, my whole being repulsed by him. He doesn’t know the first thing about his oldest son. How noble he really is. And to think, he and my mother are the reason we’ll never be together the way we want.
Maybe they really do deserve each other.
“Thanks,” Luke says gruffly, rubbing his shoulder, “For the assist, I mean.”
“Of course,” Cash says, matter-of-factly, “You may be a big dumb jock, but you’re still my brother.”
Luke lets out a short laugh and, to my surprise, throws his arms around Cash. They hug quickly, fiercely—pounding each other on the back before breaking away. Luke doesn’t even look at me as he takes off around the house. I have the feeling his mind is otherwise occupied. As he rounds the corner and disappears from sight, the fear and anxiety that I’ve been holding back come flooding through my body. I sink down onto the porch steps, letting my face fall into my hands. Tears stream through my fingers, unable to be contained, as Cash rushes to me.
“It’s all right,” he murmurs, wrapping me up in his arms, “It’s all right, Maddie.”
“H-how can you say that?” I sob, curling against the shelter of his body, “Everything’s going to shit, Cash.”
“Last time I checked,” he replies, smoothing the hair out of my face, “Everything’s shit more often than not. Guess I’m just used to it.”
“But why,” I insist, pulling back to look up at his gleaming hazel eyes, “Why get used to it? Why settle for being miserable your whole life?”
“I didn’t realize I was living such a miserable life,” he says, jaw pulsing.
“Your dad just tried to beat the shit out of you and Luke,” I cry, “He’s invited a woman you barely know to live in your home—”
“This isn’t my home, Maddie,” Cash tells me firmly, “And that man I just kept from punching Luke’s teeth in? He may be my father, but I gave up on him acting like a decent dad a long time ago.”
“So you just don’t care?” I press him, pulling away from his tight embrace, “Our parents are ruining any chance of us being in each others’ lives once this trip is over, and that’s just fine by you?”
“Last I heard from you, that was out of the question anyway,” he shoots back angrily, sitting back away from me. “You made it pretty clear that you didn’t want to see me again once we leave here, Maddie.”
“I thought that’s what you wanted,” I tell him, “Shit, Cash. This thing between us was supposed to be a one night stand. No strings attached. How was I supposed to tell you that I was starting to fall for you?”
His gaze is hard on my face as I realize what I’ve said. What I’ve owned up to.
“You should have just told me,” he says firmly, “That’s what you should have done. Instead of trying to guess at what I wanted, or just assuming that I wanted a quick, easy fuck ‘cause I’m a guy. That’s where you fucked up, Maddie.”
“I-I’m sorry,” I tell him, blinking back the next wave of tears.
“I’ve always been honest with you,” he shoots back, his face stony, “I’ve been more honest with you than anyone. Ever. Why don’t you trust me enough to do the same?”
“I didn’t know I’d be able to trust you, Cash,” I say around the knot in my throat, “You were just a handsome stranger at a bar. I didn’t think you’d turn out to be…you.”
“And now?” he demands, planting his elbows on his knees, “Do you trust me now?”
“Of course,” I breathe, placing my hands on his arm. But he tugs away from me; my fingers close around air.
“Then why don’t you tell me what it is you actually want here, Maddie?” he says, his tone cool and measured, “No games, for once. Give me the truth. Do you want to cut this thing off when we leave here or not?”
“Even if we both wanted to see this through,” I begin shakily, “It’s out of our hands, now. Our parents will be living together, Cash. As a couple. Don’t you know what that means? We can’t keep seeing each other, let alone—”
“That’s not what I asked, dammit,” he growls, shoving a hand through his dark curls, “I asked what you wanted, Maddie.”
“How can I know that?” I cry, exasperated, “The thing I would really want isn’t even possible any—”
“Just say it,” he presses, hands clenched angrily, “What do you want.”
“I want you to have been a stranger,” I say in a rush, reaching for his hardened fists, “I want you to be anything but a Hawthorne. I want to be anything but a Porter. But there’s nothing we can do to change that, Cash. Nothing.”
“It’s not as cut and dry as that,” he says, grabbing hold of my hands, “We don’t have to give them that power over us. You can’t choose your family, Maddie. But you can choose to leave it behind.”
“What?” I breathe, “What do you mean, leave it behind?”
“Just what I said,” he goes on fiercely, “We don’t owe them anything, Maddie. Our parents. We’ve had to fend for ourselves all this time, keep afloat however we could. They’ve only ever weighed us down. Why not cast them off?”
“You really think you could do that?” I challenge him, “Cut your father out of your life, just like that?”
“He cut himself out,” Cash says firmly, “I don’t mind returning the favor.”
“And your brothers?” I demand, “You could turn your back on them, too? Luke and Finn, the men you’ve been protecting your whole life?”
“I don’t—I wouldn’t—” Cash stammers, his voice faltering for the first time since I’ve known him. “They’re not a part of this.”
“We all are,” I tell
him, my voice heavy with remorse, “You can’t just carve out part of your family, without hurting the lot of them. You know that, Cash.”
“I don’t know any such goddamn thing,” he snaps back, “But at least I’m willing to figure it out. I’m willing to try for you, Maddie.”
“You say that…” I say softly, “But I can’t shake the feeling that I know how this will end, Cash. If we try to keep going. It’s going to end in us getting hurt. Bad.”
“So you’d just as soon give up,” he says. It’s a statement, not a question. And a statement I have absolutely no response to.
“Cash,” I plead, “Please, try and understand. This thing between us…it’s huge. The kind of huge that could make or break a lifetime. And right now, we’re toeing the point of no return. If we take one more step, we could ruin each other…”
“Or?” he says, his voice low and rasping.
“It’s too hard to think about ‘or’,” I whisper, “Because I know that ‘or’ could be the best thing that ever happened to me…but I’ll never get to know for sure.”
“So I don’t get a say in this,” he snarls, tearing his eyes away from my face, “You’re just going to do whatever the hell you want, is that it? Whatever keeps you from feeling an ounce of pain? Jesus, Maddie. Getting anything at all worth having is gonna hurt like a bitch. I know you’re strong enough to take it. Why can’t you just trust yourself to be—”
“I don’t know,” I cry out, leaping to my feet, “All I know is…That I need a second, here. I need to think. I need…I need to get out of this place.”
“You want to leave? Just like that?” Cash asks, taken aback, “Maddie—”
“I can’t stay,” I tell him, pacing the dew-soaked grass, “What just happened with me and my mom, everything she said…And your dad, Christ—I don’t even know if I feel safe around him. I can’t think about something as important and you and me with all this shit going on—”
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