by Haywood, RR
‘Dave! What the fuck,’ Howie said, wading through the water with a body held by the ankle while Dave remained dry as a bone on the bank.
‘I don’t like water, Mr Howie,’ Dave said with a rare look of angst that none of us had ever really seen before.
‘We were only knee deep. Mate, you need to get over this fear of water.’
‘I really don’t, Mr Howie.’
‘You really bloody do! What if we needed you?’
‘I shot one from the bank.’
‘Was that you?! Fuck, Dave. His brains went in my mouth!’
‘What is with you and eating people, Howie?’ Marcy asked
‘It was Dave!’ Howie said. ‘Right. We’re going to teach you how to swim,’ he added as Dave stepped back in alarm. ‘I didn’t mean now,’ Howie said before turning to see Bashir grinning at him.
‘Soulja,’ Bashir said proudly, holding the head up as Meredith splashed around Bashir’s legs slapping his knees with a severed hand hanging from her mouth.
‘Jesus,’ Howie said. ‘Soul mate more like,’ he added as Carmen snorted a laugh a full second later.
‘I only just got it. Sorry,’ she said with a grin. ‘That was a good plan though. The people swimming to the island.’
‘It was,’ Paula said as I walked down the bank to collect the drone. ‘Hey! I’m Paula,’ she called over to the island. ‘That was a good idea to swim over there!’
‘It’s deep,’ one of them called back. ‘And we didn’t know if zombies can swim.’
‘Not zombies,’ Reginald said as he walked down the bank. ‘And probably not judging by the state of evolution within these, but others might be able to.’
‘Depending on the CP you mean?’ Henry asked.
‘That and other factors,’ Reginald said. ‘Such as if the CP can allow their hosts to retain any form of their own minds. But it would largely depend on the genetic mutation within the control point. As for those people, if they stay out of the water for a few hours it should be safe for them to swim back.’
‘It’s not contaminated?’ Carmen asked as everyone else showed surprise.
‘It is right now, yes. But the virus does not survive outside of the host for very long, and this is a large body of water in comparison to the infected fluids leaked into it, and despite us all moaning about it, this heat and sunshine will help.’
‘The Spanish flu,’ Howie said, glancing up at the sun.
‘What the hell does the flu have to do with it?’ Marcy asked.
‘Not the flu. The Spanish flu,’ Reginald said. ‘1918 to 1920. It killed millions, but they nurses worked out that putting patients out in strong sunlight helped them recover because the sun’s UV rays killed the virus off. That’s what it will do here in the lake if they wait a while.’
‘Ooh clever, but hold on,’ Marcy said. ‘How did you know about the Spanish Flu?’ she asked Howie as Clarence laughed.
‘I saw that episode too,’ Clarence said.
‘What episode?’ Marcy asked.
‘It was on QI,’ Howie said.
‘Love Stephen Fry,’ Paula said. ‘I hope he made it.’
‘We should look for him,’ Cookey said. ‘Could you imagine Stephen Fry and Reggie working together? The zombies wouldn’t stand a chance.’
‘And again, they’re not zombies,’ Reginald said.
‘Definitely zombies,’ Howie said. ‘Anyway. Right. I say we grab a coffee, get changed again, and get back on it. Everyone happy? Oh, and where’s Danny? Did you see him run and grab that kid? Jesus, Danny. That was impressive. I’ll even make you one of my lovely coffees.’
‘Do you have to?’ Danny asked, risking a cheeky quip.
‘You’re getting cheeky like Mo,’ Howie said.
‘Fact, bro!’ Mo said, fist-bumping Danny as they waded out of the shallows.
‘Er! So. Hi?’ someone calls from the island.
‘Ooh shit. Forget about them,’ Howie says with a wince. ‘Er. We’ll get some boats to you. Have they got boats here? Where? Oh yeah. Okay. Stay there. We’ll come and get you while we borrow your coffee machine. Dave? They need someone to take the boats over,’ Howie added as Dave about turned and rushed off up the hill. ‘I was joking!’
33
Diary of Paula
Once the battle had finished, we had to get sorted and back on the road, and okay, yes, perhaps I went into overdrive, and yes, maybe I did clap my hands a lot but see it from my point of view – my entire team (except Dave and Reginald) had just run into a stinking filthy lake, and then immediately after had to drag the infected dead bodies from that sinking filthy lake and stack them up to one side. Which was also a stinking filthy job.
And that was while most of them were wearing their last full set of clean and dry kit, which we’d only just got changed into just before we left Billingshurst, which was literally about one mile down the sodding road.
Cookey didn’t have any clean trousers – I told him to borrow a pair from Roy because they’re the same leg and waist size. Then Nick had run out of tops, but the only other male of the same size is Maddox. Luckily Mads had a spare top but no boxers. Booker gave him boxers but needed socks. Clarence thought he had spare socks but no tops, and nobody else in the entire country had tops that could fit Clarence. Thankfully Joan took his, scrubbed it, wrung it, spun it, and handed it back while he, Clarence that is, went on the scout for more socks after realising he’d given his last pair to Booker, meanwhile Roy was getting pissy because Cookey wanted his last pair of clean trousers.
‘What if I need them?’ Roy asked.
‘Jesus, you okay, Roy?’ Cookey asked him while leaning in. ‘What’s that lump on your head?’
Cue Roy going into a meltdown while Cookey snaffled his trousers, meanwhile Joan and I had to instantly check Roy’s new lump, which was an insect bite, and then the rest of him just in case it was an outbreak of fucking bubonic plague or whatever.
But then Clarence – still on the scout for socks – saw a pair on the ground, which Roy had placed there prior to trying to call for an ambulance, and according to the grand old military tradition of if it ain’t nailed then then it’s fair game, Clarence promptly snaffled the socks, which caused a big hoo-ha with Roy saying they were stealing the kit from a dying man.
Now add that to Dave also ordering them to strip and clean weapons because they’d been submerged in the lake and trying to dry boots, (we don’t carry spare boots as they take up too much space) and Dave (and me) making sure they were all hydrated while raiding the café for food and Marcy offering to deal with the survivors.
‘Don’t sneeze on anyone,’ Frank said. I don’t know if he meant it as a joke or if it was a genuine warning, but Marcy called him a cock and walked off, but then stopped, and walked back to wrap a silk scarf over her mouth and nose before sticking a middle finger up at him.
Then, add a sprinkling of something going on between Charlie and Cookey. Something going on with Mads. Something going on with Carmen and Henry and something going on with just about every sodding one of them while it was fifty fucking degrees, and you might come close to the level of chaos we had achieved.
And don’t even mention the evil tie wearing genius working away in his van.
Oh. And that was still the warm-up because things really got weird after that.
34
Diary of Reginald
It was all rather frantic by then, but then the day was upon us and we were deep within the game.
I was checking my route and deciding where to steer the ship next when Henry presented himself at the sliding door to my van. ‘Henry! How goes it?’ I enquired.
‘Frustrating. But seeing as we’ve got a moment perhaps we should launch the drone and look for this CP rather than relying on guesswork.’
He was feeling the pressure too. I could see it in his manner and hear it in his voice. He was getting drawn in, but I also had to tread carefully.
I did think to try and bluff him and s
ay the drone needed charging, but Henry was too sharp, and I doubt that would have worked. So instead, I said of course we could do that, and in actual fact, I was just about to do that very thing myself. ‘Would you mind holding it aloft for me?’ I asked as I passed the drone outside and waited for Henry to step away so I could cover the maps on my desk. ‘Right. Launching it now, Henry.’
‘What’s going on?’ Howie then asked, no doubt having spotted Henry at my van.
‘I am suggesting we gain intelligence by using aerial reconnaissance,’ Henry said. Which he didn’t need to say as it was plainly bloody obvious we were putting the drone up.
‘You looking for the CP then?’ Howie asked.
‘That’s what I just said,’ Henry replied.
‘Really?’ Howie asked him. ‘Cos it sounded like you’d just invented something awesome rather than using the exact same method we’ve been using all day.’
‘No, Howie. You have been using the drone to give aid to survivors. I am suggesting we use the drone to look for the CP.’
‘Er. No, Henry. We’ve been looking for the CP and then finding the bloody survivors,’ Howie said.
‘Let’s just get it done,’ Henry ordered. ‘Reginald, I suggest we go high and follow the infected in a north-east direction.’
That was concerning as the last thing I wanted at that point was for Henry to see what was ahead of us. Not yet anyway.
Fortunately, however, I had prepared for the eventuality and had a fall-back plan of sorts, but it wasn’t great and would not withstand scrutiny, and so I mentally prepared while flying the drone very high and very fast until I gained sight of a thick line of infected running across a field. I then took a breath and injected some drama into my voice.
‘We’ve got something!’ I said, cutting them off mid-argument as they crowded in to see my monitor. ‘Infected. Right there. See?’
I went low to keep focus while also making a show of pulling maps out to make it look like I was trying to work out where they were going.
‘Is that still north-east?’ Henry asked. ‘And that’s just a small group. Go higher, Reginald. Get an overview.’
‘Hang on, they’re running at something,’ Howie said.
‘Howie! We have to find the Control Point. Reginald. Go higher,’ Henry ordered as I fumbled a little at the controls and apologised as he tutted.
‘My hands are sweating,’ I said.
‘Let me do it then,’ Henry said.
‘Hang on. What’s that?’ Howie asked urgently as some outbuildings came into view on the monitor. ‘Where is that?
‘I er, hang on a jiffy,’ I said as though I didn’t know and pretended to make use of my maps to trace the route. ‘Ah yes. Some kind of learning establishment I gather.’
‘You mean a school?’ Howie asked. ‘Is that a school?’
‘What school?’ Clarence asked from outside as he crammed in with Frank and Carmen.
‘I’m checking,’ I said while flicking through a local guidebook. ‘Ah yes. Here it is. Christ’s Hospital.’
‘A hospital?’ Howie asked. ‘You said a school.’
‘Not a hospital. A school,’ I said.
‘Eh?’ Howie asked.
‘It’s a boarding school,’ Henry said.
‘He just said it was a hospital,’ Howie said.
‘It’s called Christ’s Hospital, but it’s a very well known school,’ Henry said with forced patience.
‘It’s a school?’ Clarence asked. ‘Are there kids there?’
‘Kids?’ Carmen asked.
‘Kiddies?’ I said in alarm, driving the drone in low and fast to gain view of the infected charging across the fields towards the backs of the outbuildings bordering the school grounds.
‘Kiddies?’ Paula asked, hand clapping her way past the door but stopping to rush in. ‘What kiddies?’
‘They’re in a school,’ Clarence said. ‘An old boarding school.’
‘A boarding school?’ Paula asked.
‘Oh god. Are there kids in a boarding school?’ Marcy then asked, trying to lean in and see the monitor. ‘Where is it?’
‘Near some hospital,’ Howie said.
‘It’s not near a hospital! It’s called Christ’s Hospital,’ Henry said.
‘Why didn’t they call it Christ’s School?’ Howie asked.
‘Christ’s Hospital?’ Joan asked from the van door. ‘That’s a school, but they do have a hospital.’
‘I’ll bloody need one in a minute cos my head is about to explode,’ Howie said.
‘But what about the school?’ Paula asked.
‘Are there kids in it?’ Marcy asked.
‘Henry said it’s a boarding school,’ Clarence said.
‘Oh god. There will be then. They’ll have kids in it,’ Paula said. ‘Is that where the infected are going?’
‘I don’t bloody know. It’s flying too low,’ Henry snapped. ‘Go higher, Reginald!’
‘I am,’ I said and flew it up enough to gain a glimpse of the quadrant of mansion style red brick buildings overlooking an ornate square, which was rather fortunately full of children being rushed inside. ‘Kiddies, Mr Howie!’ I shouted in alarm while turning the drone at speed to see the infected pouring across the adjoining fields.
‘Fuck!’ Howie said. ‘LOAD UP!’
‘We need the damned CP!’ Henry said.
‘Kiddies, Henry!’ I said.
‘Jesus, Henry. It’s kids,’ Paula said.
‘When isn’t it bloody kids?’ Henry muttered, dropping out after the others to run for his vehicle as Carmen jumped back in and Roy slammed his door closed.
A moment or two later and we were back on the road building speed to get through Barns Green village on the way to save the little kiddies. Those being the kiddies safely within the quadrant of the highly fortified school buildings that the infected stood no chance of getting into.
But, you see, I couldn’t tell them that because otherwise they’d get the drone up high and start ranging out to find our blasted CP. Which wouldn’t do at all. For a start the CP wasn’t anywhere near us, and there was no way I was going to show them where it was.
‘Cock it!’ Howie said through the radio as we sped through the tiny village. ‘We’ve got infected outside the Post Office. Dave’s going to gimpy them. Just hang fire a sec.’
We both looked ahead to see Dave popping up through the roof of the Saxon to fire the GPMG into the horde.
‘Sorry guys. We can’t stop!’ Tappy’s voice came through the loudspeaker when Dave finished. ‘Don’t touch the bodies. Head for fort on the south coast.’
With that we were off, and I turned back to my desk to see Carmen examining the maps in close detail. ‘Hang on a second,’ she said, shooting me a look.
Oh, crikey, I thought. She’s rumbled me.
Then she grabbed her radio with a steely determined look in her eye, which most certainly put the willies up me.
‘Howie,’ she said. ‘It’s Carmen. I’m in with Reggie. I’ve just looked at the maps.’
I was desperately trying to think of a diversion, and the only thing that came to mind was Roy thinking he’d had a stroke. ‘Oh god,’ I said with a grunt and clutched my chest, then remembered that a stroke was more in the arm and left side of the body, whereas a heart-attack was in the chest. So being the idiot that I was I tried to do both and slouch my left side while thumping my breast.
‘Howie. The maps show the access road goes for a few miles around the grounds. But listen, you can go off road as the crow flies and get there within a much quicker...’
She then broke off and glanced up in alarm at the way I was lurching over and flapping my left arm while thumping my chest. ‘Jesus! Are you okay?’ she asked.
‘Sorry what? Fine! Er, just indigestion! Too much Darjeeling. But I say. What a marvellous idea! Going off road.’
‘What direction?’ Howie asked.
‘Use the drone,’ Frank then piped in.
‘Has it g
ot enough juice?’ Carmen asked me.
‘Well. We should most certainly try and find out,’ I said, now fully recovered from my heart attack and stroke while leaping into my battle chair at my battle desk to turn the drone and alter course back towards Barns Green.
‘Okay, Howie. We’re flying the drone back to you,’ Carmen said. ‘Hang on. We’re going higher. The view’s opening out. Got you now. Confirm we have visual on the Saxon.’
‘We can’t see you,’ Howie said. ‘You’re too small. Ah hang on, we got you. Er, confirm sighting visual on the drone.’
‘Copy that,’ Carmen said with a smile. ‘Just follow the bird.’
‘What bird? Do you mean the drone?’
‘Yes, Howie. Follow the drone,’ Carmen said as I pictured Marcy in the Saxon calling Howie a twat.
‘Fuck yes. Off road baby!’ We heard Tappy shout then watched as the Saxon went through a hedge into a field and sped up across a wide dry field. But, most surprisingly, we then heard the SUV overtake us to follow the Saxon.
‘Go on, Frank!’ Carmen said into the radio.
‘They’re not having all the fun,’ he replied.
‘Radio discipline,’ Henry then said.
‘He’s got a stick up his arse today, that’s for sure,’ Carmen said with an eye-roll. ‘And you did not hear me say that,’ she told me with a mock stern look.
‘STOP!’ Howie then shouted. ‘Roy. Get Jess out. Charlie will ride her in.’
‘Wilco!’ Roy said, braking hard as Carmen shouted that she was on it and flew out of the sliding door and a moment later I heard the clang and saw Jess galloping through the hedge to the sound of Charlie calling her.
‘We can go off road now too,’ Roy said as Carmen got back in.
‘What was that?’ she asked.
‘I said we’re going off road,’ Roy said. ‘We don’t have to worry about Jess being bounced around,’ he added as he set off.
‘What about me?’ I called. ‘I don’t want to be bounced around.’
