My heart froze, stuttering in my chest. That lump in my gut, that ever-present swirling dark mass, began to snake its way out of the cage where I kept it locked down.
"I couldn't—" my voice cracked. "I couldn't keep singing after—"
Dark tendrils crawled along my ribcage, slowly inching their way to the very center of my chest.
"I couldn't handle it. I fell apart. I didn't want the reminder of—"
Liam closed his fingers, lacing ours together. "You don't have to talk about it."
I nodded silently. He lowered his head and, bringing our clasped hands to his lips, pecked a soft kiss against my knuckles. I stared at our entwined hands. My nerve endings tingled where our skin touched.
Liam straightened and let go.
"It would be cool if I could take credit for the band's name." His tone was light, breezy. "But if you're okay with people thinking you're just a narcissist, it's fine by me."
A teasing smile played on his lips. I let out a soft snort, relieved that he had changed the subject. Relieved that he wasn't going to push the issue.
I'd only ever told a handful of people about Harper before. Most of the ones who knew what happened were the ones who had been there. Gael. Morris. I'd rarely had to tell the story to anyone. Rarely had to say the words out loud.
I didn't know if I even could without breaking again.
"Lots of musicians name their bands after themselves." I took a few steps back, needing space. Being so close to Liam like this was dangerous. I'd already said more than I should have. More than I'd meant to. I was supposed to be turning him away, not pulling him closer. "Thank you for agreeing to keep the real reason to yourself."
"It's not my place to tell anyone any different."
"So if the subject comes up in an interview again, now you know what to say."
"You want me to take part in more interviews?" he asked. "I thought you'd never let me near another journalist again after today."
"As long as you keep it strictly about the music."
"Hm," he mused playfully. "I don't know if I can do that."
"Liam…" I said with a warning tone.
"I'm serious." He looked determined. "I told you before. I think you're amazing. I want to be a part of that."
"You are," I said firmly. "You're helping out my band."
Liam brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "That's not what I mean."
He trailed his fingers along my face before cupping my cheek. I exhaled a shaky breath. His gaze flicked to my mouth, eyes turning dark. He drew me closer to him. I found myself leaning forward into his touch.
"You're a star, Cerise," he said. Our lips were a hairsbreadth apart. My chin tipped up unconsciously. "We both are. And we can only burn brighter together."
Liam closed the gap between us and pressed his lips to mine.
I'd thought about kissing Liam. Dreamed of it, even. But now all those steamy fantasies seemed tepid and dull in comparison. As I breathed him in, a rush of heat surged through my body.
When his tongue swiped for entrance my knees nearly fell from under me. I clutched at his shoulders for support. The softness of his lips was a delicious contrast to the firmness of his muscles.
He wrapped an arm around my waist and tugged me closer, shifting until our hips fit neatly together. I melted against him, giving in, opening up, allowing his desire to consume me.
"Been thinking of kissing you for-fucking-ever," he murmured into my mouth.
In response, I fisted a handful of his hair and crushed my lips to his.
He tried to take control of the kiss, cupping the back of my head, tilting my face to the side for a better angle. Our lips worked together, dancing and battling, our breaths combining with pants and gasps. For all that I had been trying to keep away from Liam, I was now just as eager to have him as he was to have me. The entire world fell away until it was only the two of us, lips pressed to lips, chest pressed to chest.
The slam of a door interrupted our dream-like state. My hands stilled from where they were buried in his hair. His arm around my waist jolted in surprise. We were frozen together, tensed and ready to jump apart. When nothing further happened, we slowly relaxed.
But reality had already started settling back in. The moment was over.
I hurriedly put space between us.
Liam cursed quietly under his breath.
I ran my hands over my face.
He rubbed his stubbled jaw.
We shared a regretful sigh as Liam regarded me intently. Those green eyes of his made it hard to think.
"You're right," I agreed, still slightly breathless. "We are both stars. And maybe we would burn brighter together."
We could both hear voices coming from down the hall. The sound of my brother's laughter was like a foghorn blasting through my still dazed and fogged over mind.
"Or maybe," I continued, "we'd only end up burning ourselves out."
He opened his mouth, maybe to argue or cajole. I held up my hand to stop him.
"No," I said. "I'm sorry, but no."
"Cerise…" His tone was overlaid with disappointment and frustration and heartache. I hated that I'd made him feel that way. But I knew giving in could never lead to anything good.
"You know what sometimes happens after a star burns out?" I asked.
He frowned. "No. What?"
I gave him a sad smile.
"It collapses into a black hole, consuming everything in its path."
14
"Shotgun."
"I already called shotgun last night."
"You can't call shotgun until you're within sight of the car."
"Says who?"
"Says the rules of shotgun."
"Guys," Seth interrupted, stopping Gael and Nathan in the middle of their squabbling. "Julian gets shotgun."
"But Julian almost always gets shotgun," Nathan said.
"Driver gets final say," Seth cut them off. "And since you guys always force me to drive, I say Julian sits up front." Seth made a face. "The last time Gael got shotgun, I was forced to listen to stories of his, quote, sexual prowess for two hours."
"I've got a girlfriend now," Gael protested.
"And I don't need to hear stories of all the public places you've done it, either," Seth said.
Gael and Nathan grumbled, but climbed into the minivan the label rented for our tour, taking their places in the middle seats. Julian shot Seth a grateful look as he took his place in the passenger's seat.
The minivan wasn't a fancy, high-tech, double-decker tour bus, that was for sure, but I wasn't going to complain. We had a label who actually paid for it. We didn't have to front the cost ourselves like when we were indie.
Besides, we were still the new guys on the music scene. I knew we'd get there eventually. And this was a local tour, only cities within a days drive. It wasn't like we had to be sleeping on a bus overnight.
"So that leaves me and you in the back?" Liam asked.
Damn. I hadn't thought of that. Me and Liam, crammed next to each other for hours on end.
I grabbed the door handle and pulled it open. "Guess we'll have to entertain each other."
The words popped out of my mouth without thinking of the double meaning.
"I'm sure we'll find something to pass the time," Liam said.
I expected him to follow up with some sort of innuendo or come-on, but he didn't. Instead, his voice was tired, near fatigued.
He wasn't the only one. As Seth took his place in the driver's seat, I could see the dark bruises under his eyes. They no doubt matched my own. Julian's dark hair hung limp around his pale cheeks. Even Gael and Nathan's playful antics were half-hearted, as if they couldn't summon the energy to properly tease each other.
The last few weeks had been rough. We'd practiced nearly day and night, and then some, as the final days before the tour approached. Our muscles were sore. Our heads pounded.
We probably shouldn't have pushed ourselves as hard as we had, but
each of us knew how important this was. We couldn't just be good on stage. We had to be amazing. We had to be flawless.
We had to be rock star gods.
"Cerise?" Liam prompted.
I shifted my attention away from the other band members. As much as they worried about me, as the leader of the band, it was my job to worry about them.
Liam gestured for me to climb into the van first. "After you."
The vehicle was raised and I had to step up and crawl in. I was acutely aware of my backside right in Liam's face as he climbed in behind me. Luckily the hem of my skirt fell lower than I usually wore, or I might have given him an entirely too private view.
I had to wonder though. If I had flashed Liam, would he have even reacted?
Liam and I had kissed and it had been amazing. Breathtaking.
It had also been a terrible idea. So I'd pushed him away.
Liam had respected my wishes and kept his distance.
It could have been because of what I'd said to him. Maybe my last rejection had finally sunk in this time.
It also could have been because we'd simply been too busy, too exhausted, to have any sort of flirtatious tension between us.
"Anyone need anything before we take off?" Seth asked. "One last coffee run?"
A chorus of weary no's followed his question.
I settled into my seat, leaning my head back against the soft leather headrest. Closing my eyes, I heard the rustle of Liam plunking himself down beside me. The back of the minivan was bench style, not bucket seats. I wondered if he would scoot closer, until he was right up beside me. But no, he kept to his side of the van, pressed against the right window, leaving the middle seat empty between us.
"I've barely spent any time with Jessie in the last few weeks," Gael was complaining from the middle seat.
"You sleep over at her place every night," Nathan pointed out.
"Yeah, and that's all we do. Sleep." With the way he said the word sleep, Gael's displeasure was clear. "After the tour I'm locking us together in her bedroom and not coming out for three days."
"What did I say about discussing your sex life?" Seth called out from the front seat.
"You wanted to know all about it so you can get tips, right?" Gael called back.
"I don't need to take advice on women from the likes of you."
Gael looked affronted. "My advice is solid gold."
Seth just laughed.
The guys continued to joke and banter. Liam joined in once in a while, but mostly seemed content to keep to himself. I tuned them out, listening to music with my earphones on, trying to get my head into the right space for our upcoming concert.
After an hour my knees began to ache. I might have stretched them out on the seats, taking up the whole back, but I couldn't that do with Liam there.
After shifting and squirming for what felt like the dozenth time, crossing and uncrossing my legs, Liam tapped my shoulder. I took out my earphones and raised an eyebrow in question.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Just feeling a little cramped."
"Would it help to stretch out?" Liam asked. "You could put your feet in my lap."
That was an unusually intimate offer. Or perhaps he was simply being nice, like a friend would be.
Giving my knees a break sounded like a great idea, especially if I wanted to be in top shape for the concert. But putting my feet up in Liam's lap? The thought sent butterflies flapping madly in my stomach. It might just encourage him. Might end up canceling out all my previous rebuffs.
Liam watched patiently as I debated the idea internally, expression placid, as if he would be content with my response either way.
"Sure," I finally said. "Thanks."
I unlaced my knee-high boots and toed them off. I scooted around until my back was against the door. I hesitated, just for a moment, before lifting my feet and resting them gingerly on Liam's thighs.
"Aw," he said, feigning disappointment. "I was hoping you'd have some sort of cute or embarrassing pattern on your socks so I could tease you about it."
"Sorry," I said. "Solid black is what you're stuck with."
I nestled deeper into my seat and extended my legs. I couldn't straighten them all the way — my legs were too long for that — but it was enough.
"Better?" Liam asked.
"Yeah, thanks," I murmured.
He flashed me a smile and rested his hands on my shins. My stomach tightened and tumbled over. I was fixated on that smile, his green eyes crinkling at the corners. His hands were warm, even through my socks. This was the closest we'd been, physically, in weeks. My toes curled and uncurled unconsciously. His smile widened. He ran one hand up and down my shin soothingly. I caught myself before I let out a shuddering breath.
Liam turned his head forward. "Hey Seth, about how far away are we?" he asked.
I blinked to clear my head, set free from that gaze.
"A bit more than an hour," Seth replied, looking in the rearview mirror. "Maybe less if traffic lets up."
Liam nodded. I focused on my knees, refusing to check if that smile was back on his lips.
No wonder he kept pursuing me. I'd never given out so many mixed signals in my life. One smile and I reacted like a lovesick schoolgirl.
I couldn't deny my attraction to him, not even to myself.
And from the amused look in his eyes, I wasn't keeping it from Liam, either.
15
"Wow," Gael said. "This is…"
"Yeah," Nathan responded numbly. "It sure is."
"Is this right?" Seth asked nervously. "I mean, the label didn't make a mistake, did they?"
I double checked the details on my phone. "This is the right one." I glanced up and scanned the concert venue we'd just pulled up in front of. The building was massive and towered over us. Dozens, maybe even hundreds, of people were already lined up around the venue and down the street. "This is where we're playing."
"Holy shit," Julian murmured.
" Don't freak out," Liam said encouragingly. "So what if it's bigger than you thought?"
"We've never played for an audience this size as headliners before," I said. "Ever."
"And by the end of the night, you can say you have," he said.
"I'm driving around back," Seth said. "We're not walking through the front entrance, that's for sure."
I made a call to our contact person at the venue as we approached the back entrance. A young skinny guy came out of a nondescript door followed by a couple beefy looking guys. Skinny kid unlocked a gate to the parking lot, and waved us through. Once we were parked, the buff guys came around to the back of the van and started unloading our equipment, lugging it into the building for us. With the back hatch open, we could hear chatter and cheering, the chanting of fans singing our songs at the top of their lungs as they waited.
"This is insane," Nathan said, shaking his head.
The guys started climbing out of the van. Liam unbuckled his seatbelt and hopped out. He held his hand out as I followed, helping me down.
I didn't have time to savor his warm hand encasing mine. My head was already whirling with excitement and dread and nerves. I'd known signing with a label was a big deal, but this was a significant level up from the bars and clubs we used to play at.
"We're doing final set up now," Skinny Guy said as he lead us into the building and through the maze of hallways. "We should be able to do sound checks soon. You can wait in the artist lounge." He nodded and pointed to a door, then left us.
We walked in. The six of us stood in the middle of the room, staring at each other. I took in the wide eyes and pale faces. Even my brother, usually so self-assured to the point of egomania, looked unsure of himself.
I pushed down my own worries and threw back my shoulders, standing tall.
"Okay, guys. This is it," I said. "All our hard work, all those sleepless nights and sore muscles and blistered fingers? This is where it got us. We're playing a massive concert hall with hundreds, thousa
nds, of people dying to see us. No more playing for free drinks. No more dragging around our own equipment. We've made it. We're goddamn rock stars. And we're going to have the time of our lives out there."
Slowly, the uncertainty and fear faded from their expressions, replaced with excitement, triumph. I let a grin spread across my face, heart pounding in my chest.
"We made it," I repeated slowly, quietly, to myself.
"I could get used to having roadies carry my shit," Gael said.
"Where are the groupies waiting to give us blowjobs before the concert?" Nathan joked.
"Oh awesome, snacks!" Seth bounced to the nearest table and snatched up a couple bags of chips and chocolate bars. The others followed him, chowing down. The last thing those boys needed were sugar rushes, but I wasn't going to deny them the pleasure.
Liam was still standing near the door, his hands in his pockets. He looked at ease, expression calm, but there was a stiffness in the way he held himself.
"You're not going to eat?" I asked him.
"Not junk like that." He flicked his gaze from the guys to me. "That was a good pep talk. They really listen to you."
"Only sometimes," I said. Liam's shoulders were tense, hunched near his ears. "You okay?"
"Yeah," he said shortly.
I studied him. Thinking back to what I knew of Liam's old band, I had to wonder…
"You've never played a venue this big, either, have you?" I guessed. He pressed his lips together firmly, confirming my suspicions. "It's okay to be nervous," I continued.
"It's not nerves," he said. "There's just a lot of pressure, you know? I'm the new guy. Everyone's going to be judging me. Plus, it's been so long since I've been on stage. And even though we've practiced until our fingers bled, these songs are still new to me." Liam let out a heavy breath through his nose. "I guess it is nerves," he said reluctantly.
"You're going to be fantastic out there," I said. "You're going to fucking rock."
He gave me a weak smile. "Thanks, Cerise."
I placed a reassuring hand on his upper arm. His darkly inked skin was a tempting contrast against my own bare fingers, the hard muscles too firm to ignore. My fingertips tingled.
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