by J. M. Briggs
India. There was a sense of excitement that wasn’t just her own, and yet she was aware of some fear. Lokpal was worried about seeing his homeland again so far into the future, nervous about Shiva and the other Old Ones and concerned about his family. It was all right there, and Alex took another sip of her drink as she silently tried to reassure him that it would be okay. They had to go. They had a duty to fulfill as the Iron Soul and couldn’t let their emotions get in the way.
The front door opened and Alex straightened as her brothers walked in. Matt looked tired and Ed just looked bored. Her eyes met Matt’s and she couldn’t help but notice him tense up. He touched Ed’s elbow and nodded towards her. Alex made herself smile as her brothers approached.
“Hi, Matt,” Alex greeted quickly. Putting a smile on her face, she bounced out of the booth and opened her arms to hug her brother. “Good to see you.”
Matt returned the hug, holding her tight and making the knot quiver. He smelled the same. A bit musky with a layer of books to round it out. It hurt. The knot tightened and was suddenly too small. Something fluttered and twisted out of shape. She was grateful when he released her. Tears were trying to gather in her eyes.
Eddy stepped forward and hugged her even tighter. It was worse now as Ed’s scent of dryer sheets and banana shampoo hit her hard. For a moment, she could see them all in the living room of the house, laughing at a stupid movie Mom had picked up. They were playing with action figures on the floor of the living room and building whole Lego cities over the furniture in Matt’s bedroom.
“Hi, Ed,” she choked out.
Then he let her go, and Alex let her features settle into a slight smile. They sat down in the booth with the boys on one side and her on the other. It wasn’t much distance, but she could breathe easier now. Taking a long sip of her soda to distract herself, Alex prayed that the waitress would come over quickly.
“How are you, Alex?” Matt asked.
“I’m fine,” Alex replied quickly. “Uh, I’ve made a new… friend,” she offered. Alex couldn’t remember how conversations were supposed to go anymore. What was she was supposed to talk about? “Her name is Avani; she’s from Mumbai in India.”
“Is she an international student?” Matt asked politely.
“Not exactly,” Alex admitted. “She’s here to seek our help with an issue in India.”
“So she’s a mage?” Ed asked, perking up in curiosity. “I thought you were all from around here.”
“No, she’s not a mage,” Alex answered in a softer voice. “She’s- you know what, never mind.” Shaking her head, Alex grinned at Matt. “How are you two? I can at least distract myself in Ravenslake, but you two are still in the house. How are you?”
“It’s hard,” Matt answered. His features tightened and there was a slight shine of tears in his eyes. “I’ve gotten everything arranged to finish law school locally so Ed doesn’t have to change schools.”
“I wouldn’t care,” Ed grumbled. He was looking down at his phone with a deep frown. “Moving wouldn’t be so bad.”
“Let’s try it another year,” Matt said carefully. They’d had this conversation before apparently. “If it isn’t working in a year then we can go someplace else.”
“Are you still in your room?” Alex asked carefully. “Or have you moved into-”
“No,” Matt said quickly. “Mom and Dad’s room is still closed up. This summer… we’ll pack things up a bit and donate their clothes, but not yet.” Matt coughed a bit. “It isn’t a priority.”
“Okay.”
Their waitress came and, in a few moments, they’d all ordered burgers and the boys had drinks on the way. It didn’t get easier. Alex wasn’t sure what to talk about and there were no helpful suggestions from her other selves. She talked about her classes a bit and confirmed the plan to get a house for the mages next year away from the campus. While Alex wasn’t thrilled with the idea of driving in everyday, it would be easier to keep things a secret. There were only so many times that people could write off weird events, even in a college town. Still, it wasn’t enough to save the conversation.
Matt ended up talking about some things he needed Alex to do. There were papers to sign since she was a legal adult in order to finish with the estate. Ed made a noise and Alex struggled to focus on Matt’s words. They all sounded important and she kept nodding until their food came.
Nothing tasted right. It was all too bitter. Ed only ate half of his burger while Alex ate hers at rapid speed. She was still hungry, at least she thought that was a case, but the hole in her gut may have been something else. Matt tossed his napkin to the side but ate a couple more fries. Silence surrounded the table without them even having the excuse of their meals. It made the rest of the diner seem all the noisier.
“You didn’t need to surprise me by coming down,” Alex said. “You could have called.”
“I called three times this week: you ignored all of them,” Matt reminded her. “No texts, no emails from you, Alex. I was worried.”
“I’m fine as you can see, I’ve just been busy.”
“You’ve shut down,” Matt snapped. “Why won’t you talk to your own brothers?” Alex hated his tone of voice. Her reaction only made Matt’s anger grow and he hissed at her. “Damn it, Alex, don’t you care at all?”
“Of course I care,” Alex said. The knot tightened. “But crying isn’t going to change anything! Staying focused on my job might just keep Arthur from killing more people!”
“No,” Ed said slowly. He was looking at her and shook his head. “That’s not it. Maybe you want it to be it, but it isn’t.”
“You need to be a bit clearer than that, Eddy,” Alex teased.
“You want protecting people to be your reason, but that’s not true,” Ed explained. He was looking up at her with sad, disappointed eyes. “You just… don’t want to care.”
“Look, what happened to Mom and Dad… it was awful,” Alex said quickly. “It shouldn’t have happened and I’m sorry.” Her chest thrummed as her heart beat faster. Alex didn’t understand it. The voices were getting louder. There were faces at the back of her memory pushing forward. “I’m so sorry. I hoped that the blood spell would be enough and it wasn’t. The horseshoes only protected the house and… it just wasn’t enough. I’m sorry.”
Ed stood up and stormed towards the door. Several people stopped and looked at him, but no one moved to stop him. A few people glanced their way, but Alex glared at them. The voices were louder now, all shouting and saying different things. It was too much and nothing was clear. Across from her, Matt sighed and lowered his face into his hands. Then he raised his head and motioned to the waitress. Alex wanted to offer to get the check so he could go after Eddy, but the waitress brought it over and Matt handed her several bills. He told her to keep the change and stood up.
Holding his hand out to Alex, Matt waited for her to stand and take it. Alex blinked at the outstretched hand for a moment, but slowly stood and let Matt lead her outside. Eddy wasn’t in front of the diner and Alex’s grimaced. She scanned the nearby neon signs and windowsills for Red Caps. It was still daylight, but she couldn’t help but eye the shadows suspiciously.
“I see him,” Matt said. He pulled her down the sidewalk.
“I think that’s enough for tonight.” Alex pulled her hand free and forced a smile.
“We have to leave first thing,” Matt argued.
Giving her a dark look and frowning, he grabbed her arm and hauled her down towards the alley. Ed was leaning against the wall and looked up as they came around the corner. His gaze was cool and uninterested. Matt sighed and looked at him.
“Don’t run off like that.”
“I’m not a little kid.”
“No, but there are… things around here,” Matt said. “You know that.”
“Car’s right there,” Ed countered. He nodded towards the blue car that was parked just a few feet away. “I don’t have keys.”
“Fine.” Matt pulled out h
is keys and tossed them to Ed. “Say goodnight to Alex: we won’t have time to see her tomorrow.”
Ed glanced her way. Alex stayed still and waited for him. Ed looked at Matt who gave him an expectant look. Keeping his eyes down, Ed gave her another long lingering hug that reassured Alex of his affection. Then he let go and raced to the car. As soon as the door slammed shut and Ed looked down at his phone again, Matt whirled back towards her.
“Really?” He asked. “Alex-”
“What do you want from me?”
“I want-” Matt suddenly stopped and grit his teeth, struggling to control his voice. “I want to believe that you care, Alex. I want you to pick up the phone when I call or email back when I’m trying to check in on you. I want you to stop just going through the motions. Mom and Dad are dead!”
“I know,” Alex replied. “I was there.”
“Yes, fine, you were at the funeral, but you were checked out. Have you cried at all?”
“It doesn’t matter. You grieve in your way and I’ll grieve in mine.”
“Alex, just…. Talk to me. Help me believe that you’re okay.”
“I’m not your concern. You’ve got Ed to worry about: you’re his legal guardian now.”
“Exactly! I’ve got law school and a grieving teenager to worry about: I can’t be terrified of what is happening to my sister. I need you to talk to me. Check in at least, but you’ve been completely silent for weeks now! Ed’s almost done with school for the year, but you haven’t told us anything about your plans.”
“I’m not coming back to Spokane,” Alex answered bluntly. “Better that I stay here.” She paused and licked her lips. “Besides, I’m needed elsewhere right now. I’m sorry; this isn’t what I wanted. It’s just how things have turned out.”
“Why?”
Gaping at Matt, Alex wasn’t sure what he was referring to. The knot was too tight, it was hard to breathe and the voices were too loud.
“Arthur wanted to hurt me. And I couldn’t stop him.”
Silence filled the alley. An absence of sound so loud that it smothered the noise of the town trying to intrude. Alex dropped her eyes, unable to watch the tightening of Matt’s jaw. She wanted to say more, but there just weren’t any right words. A few tried to gather on her tongue, but they weren’t English and weren’t really hers, so she swallowed them down and waited.
“Alex, you have no idea how much I want to yell at you right now,” Matt growled. His eyes were dark and shining with tears. “You have no idea how tempting it is. But I’d regret it.”
“Maybe you should,” Alex said. She met his gaze, letting more magic twist around the bundle of contained grief. “You should be angry at me. You’re not wrong.”
“You didn’t kill them,” Matt said. “I’m not even sure if I believe that Arthur did.”
“He did.”
“It was a car crash, what makes you so sure-”
“I told you!” Alex snapped, more emotion slipping out then she meant to allow. “I was there.”
She saw the moment when realization filled Matt’s eyes. He still looked confused, but there it was. He understood, at least in part. Somehow, it didn’t make her feel any better. It made her feel worse. It would have been better for him to think that their parents died in a normal crash. Maybe they would have felt safer.
“Is Ed safe?”
“I don’t know,” Alex said. “Probably not.”
“Is this why you’re keeping your distance from us?” Matt stepped closer to her, the anger gone from his voice. His hands gripped her arms, sending a shiver up Alex’s spine and making the bundle throb. The voices were suddenly quiet, and the world was still. “Alex, I don’t think pushing us away will help.”
“No,” Alex agreed. “It never works in the stories.” Then she shook her head. “I’ve just been busy, Matt. There’s a lot going on and I need to focus on it.”
“We’re your brothers,” Matt protested, hurt flashing in his eyes. “Alex, I need your support. I’m not sure what to do with Ed right now. His teachers are giving him a pass for the semester given what happened, but he’s not talking much and doesn’t want to do anything. He just stays in his room all the time.”
“I’m sorry, Matt. I don’t know how to help.”
“And I don’t know how to help you,” Matt answered.
They stared at each other. Ed tapped on the car window and Alex flinched, realizing how long they must had been standing there. A deep sigh escaped Matt and he rubbed his jaw. Alex opened her arms and tried to smile. Matt didn’t look like he believed it, snorting slightly, but he did step forward to hug her. Then he let go of her. Matt dropped a quick kiss to her forehead and walked towards the car. He paused and turned back to her as he balanced on the curb.
“If you want to talk, Alex, just call. We’re still your family.”
The knot throbbed, but the voices were back and the sound of them was soothing. Matt climbed into the car and Ed, thankfully, gave her a small wave. It was probably at Matt’s insistence. She held up a hand and waved a back.
Alex watched the car until it turned off of Central and vanished around a corner. Then she started walking. Her legs were heavy and weighed down, almost like the Iron Chain was wrapped around her ankles. Around her, the streets of Ravenslake were unusually quiet. Too many students had already left. The sunlight poured down around her and a breeze ruffled her hair, but Alex didn’t notice any of it. Instead, she sped up her pace and headed back towards campus.
32
Dreaming in Ravenslake
Mumbai. The name didn’t mean anything to Alex. None of the voices reacted to it and there was no rush of emotion in connection with it. Alex found the reason for that quickly enough. The original name was Bombay, or at least that was the more recent former name. Holding back a sigh, Alex kept skimming through the article and waiting for something to jump out. One of the voices was curious and the caves on the island near the city stirred a blurry memory, but that was it.
In her chest, the knot twisted and Alex pulled her hands away from the keyboard of her laptop before she hit something. Her dorm room was too still and quiet. Twilight was falling outside and while it wasn’t too late, the noise that would have normally been present was all but gone. Tomorrow was Thursday: only a few students still remained. Matt would be rushing Eddy back for school and they would be gone from town. She could pack up her things and stash them at Morgana’s until they had a place of their own.
Still, that didn’t dispel the discomfort. Alex pushed herself away from her desk and looked around for something to distract her. On her pillow, the old stuffed dog Galahad was looking at her. The knot tightened and Alex couldn’t breathe. Tears filled her eyes and she gripped the edge of her desk.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Alex said. “It… it doesn’t matter.”
Galahad. The name was ironic now. There hadn’t actually been a Galahad like in the stories, but there had been a Galath. A loyal brother who had hidden the Iron Chalice; even from Merlin and Morgana, who he had never forgiven for his brother Gofiben’s death. Scenes of Galath danced across her vision; his smile and his laugh. He’d been a happy man until the mages had come into his life, but he’d followed them. Even when Merlin and Morgana left to reclaim the sword, he had stayed loyal to Gofiben.
Collapsing on the bed, Alex picked up Galahad and squeezed him against her chest. The stuffed dog couldn’t return the hug, and she desperately missed Anne. Her family’s golden retriever would have licked her face, whimpered a little, and snuggled up against her. Alex realized with a jolt that she hadn’t thought about how their dog was taking the absence of their parents. Was Anne crying at the door waiting for them, or had she begun to settle with just having the boys? Wiping her tears on Galahad’s fur, Alex fought down the sobs building in her chest. The knot shuddered. Threads of magic were beginning to unravel.
“No,” Alex whispered. “No, I’m not doing this. It won’t help.” The words didn’t help either a
nd she pulled Galahad away to look at him. “I wonder if I did name you after Galath. I don’t remember why I gave you that name; it was so long ago.” Alex shivered and shook her head. “I don’t want Matt and Eddy to turn out the same way. They need their own lives.” Those words helped a bit: they sounded good at least, and almost released the bubble of fear growing in Alex’s chest.
Whatever else Alex might have said to Galahad was cut off when a chill went down her spine. Magic rushed up her limbs, warming them and urging her to move. The voices exploded into a rush of noise. She jumped up and shoved her feet into her sneakers. It was only thanks to habit that she grabbed her keycard as she rushed out the door. There was a sound of surprise from Nicki’s room, but Alex didn’t stop.
Outside the air was still warm, but the twilight was fading into true darkness. Stars visible even over the light of the streetlights that lined the parking lot. University Drive was empty and the noise on campus was somehow even quieter. Alex stepped away from her dorm and crossed the lawn, looking around for any sign of anything out of place. Rhodes Hall loomed ahead of her and Alex focused on the small coffee shop that had been built into the ground floor. It wasn’t very good coffee, but it was close by. As she approached, Alex spotted a man coming out with a tall cup of coffee. He glanced her way with glassy eyes and headed towards the campus only to slump against the building. Grateful for the distraction, Alex took a step towards him and glanced into the small coffee shop. There were some people asleep at the tables with books in front of them. The man stumbled again.
