by Taylor Dean
I rush down the stairs, knowing Julian is waiting on the phone for me.
“Hello.”
“Hey, sweetheart.”
He sounds . . . downcast. I pick up on it immediately. “What’s wrong?”
“Can you come to my apartment? I need to talk to you right away.”
“I’ll be right there.”
I hop on Dulcinea and make it to Julian’s apartment in record time. He must’ve heard me stomping up his stairs, because he opens the door before I even have a chance to knock. He immediately pulls me into a scary tight embrace.
I know something is very wrong. I can feel it in the force of his embrace, in the tight grip of his fingers, and in the angst of his touch.
He holds me for several moments, simply finding comfort in human contact, and I let him get his fill, waiting for when he’s ready to speak.
“I’m sorry,” he says in a gravelly voice. “Come sit down.” He leads me to our favorite couch, and pulls me onto his lap. He buries his face in my shoulder for a few moments.
When he leans back I see that his eyes are red rimmed and he looks as though he hasn’t slept a wink. I’ve never seen Julian like this. He runs one hand over his face tiredly.
“Julian, what is it? You’re scaring me.”
“I received a phone call last night.”
“And?”
“My father passed away.”
The father he’s very angry at. The father he doesn’t speak to. The chance to one day make amends has passed. He needn’t say more. I know he’s battling with his conscience.
“Oh, Julian. I’m so, so sorry.”
“It was very unexpected. He died suddenly in his sleep. An autopsy will reveal the cause.”
It’s then I notice the suitcase laid out across the table, surrounded by paraphernalia.
“You’re leaving?” Of course he is. He needs to be there for his father’s funeral.
“Yes. I’ll be gone for two weeks.”
“Two weeks?”
“There’s a lot to do, so many things to settle.”
“I know, I’m sorry. You need to be there.”
“I wanted to tell you in person. I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye. I’ll miss you. Every single minute I’m gone.”
I feel for him. I feel his sorrow and his angst. I feel his anguish and his torment.
“I’ll miss you too,” I say. “It’ll be the longest two weeks of my life.”
“Savannah . . . I . . .” He struggles with getting the words past his lips.
“I know. You don’t need to say it, I know. I feel the same.” I immediately wish I didn’t say that. I don’t really know what he’s trying to say. Hopefully, he’s trying to say what I think he’s trying to say.
He nods. “I feel like this is a tender time in our relationship to be separated. I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t lose me. I’ll be right here waiting for your return.”
“Okay then. We’re good?”
“We are more than good.”
Finally a small smile flickers across his features. “I kinda think so too. Just wasn’t sure if you were ready for more than good.”
You mean, it gets better than this? “I’m ready for excellent.”
“Oh yeah? Get ready for outstanding.”
My stomach flutters and we embrace. It’s still a tight embrace, but not scary tight.
“Julian, please don’t be too hard on yourself. Your father made a bad choice that hurt your mother terribly. And you. You had every right to be angry.” I let my hands finger comb his thick hair, loving the feel and texture. His hair is nothing short of amazing.
“I always thought we’d make up one day. Maybe my parents didn’t have the perfect relationship I’d always thought they had. But he never tried to explain and he never apologized for his actions. Not once. He never even acted remorseful. I was waiting for that day and it never came.” He softly massages my shoulders. “Now it’s too late. I don’t ever want to be too late for something in my life again. Never again.”
Does he mean me? I’m not sure. I take a chance and say, “You’re right on time.”
A crooked half smile appears, then he leans in and kisses me in his soft and coaxing manner, as if he’s simply playing with my lips. He enjoys the merest whisper of touch and I’ve become accustomed to his slow and tender kisses.
Although the passionate kisses we’ve shared have been quite nice too. They hold the promise of more and entice me with their unknown potential.
I haven’t been sure exactly where Julian and I are headed, but now it seems quite obvious. It strikes me that we need to talk. We need to have the talk. I learned the hard way that there are some things a couple needs to discuss early on. Now is that time in our relationship and I’m scared to death. I honestly don’t know how he’ll respond.
I’ll do it when he returns. I don’t want to overburden him with worries and concerns when he’s clearly mourning his father.
I lean back and touch his lips with my fingers. “When you get back, we need to talk. There are things I need to tell you,” I whisper, then hug him tightly.
“I know, there are so many things I’d like to say to you as well.”
He doesn’t understand what I mean. But it can wait until his return. Besides, there’s a pit in my stomach at the thought of possibly losing him, just like I’d lost Paul Ellis. However, given our feelings for one another, it isn’t something I can put off any longer. It must be said.
It’s the longest and sweetest goodbye I’ve ever experienced.
As painful as goodbye is, I know the hello will be exquisite.
Chapter Twenty-Two
October
SLOWLY, I ENTER Hunter’s classroom. He doesn’t hear or see me. He sits with his head down and his elbows on his knees. “Hunter?”
His head shoots up and he jumps to his feet as if nothing is wrong. “Savannah, what can I do for you?”
His forced attempt at cheerfulness doesn’t meet his eyes. “Still no word?”
He immediately deflates. “Nothing. It’s as if she disappeared off the face of the planet. Jason went with me to her apartment and it’s been vacated. It’s like she was a figment of my imagination.”
“I’d hoped that wouldn’t be the case.”
“Me even more than you. I feel like the world’s biggest idiot. I mean, really, how stupid could I be?”
“Don’t,” I say, imitating Julian. “It happens to the best of us.” I’d been duped by Elevator Man and it still stung.
“It felt so real. I never would’ve guessed she was pretending.”
“They were playing with your emotions and it was cruel. You’ll find real love one day and it won’t compare.”
“Like you? Julian is one of the best.” The change of subject is no surprise. Hunter doesn’t like to talk about Suyin.
Something inside of me leaps and jumps at the mention of Julian. “I think so.”
“Is he still out of town?”
“Yeah. One more week. Actually that’s why I’m here. Dakota and I were wondering if you’d like to go and do something together this weekend. Sound fun? It’ll cheer us all up.”
“I don’t want to, but that’s why I will. Absolutely. I need to get out of this funk.”
“Okay. It’s a plan.”
Hunter’s next class stomps in then, rowdy as ever. “Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, how did I say you should enter the classroom?”
They sober and sit down quietly as I smile. Hunter had had a little too much fun naming his kids.
“THIS WAS A great idea.” Hunter shifts in his seat, anxious to arrive at our destination. It’s good to see him happy.
Once we started to talk about our trip for the weekend, it quickly escalated. We purchased plane tickets to Beijing, determined to grab the opportunity to see the Great Wall while we had the chance. Jason, Lori, and Stacy quickly joined in the planning and before we knew it, we had a major trip before us.
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After a three hour plane ride to Beijing, we’d headed straight for our hostel. It was only five dollars a night to stay there and it was rather fancy and very clean. We’d spent the evening shopping at a market called “Silk Street.” I did not enjoy my time there. The shop owners were very pushy and touchy, grabbing and pulling at tourists to get them into their shops. It had killed my shopping mood very quickly.
“We should be there any minute now,” Dakota says, looking out the van window. After a three hour plane ride yesterday, another three hours on a van is pure torture. Our excitement alone keeps us going.
Today features the highlight of our trip: The Great Wall. We signed up for a tour wherein a van drives us out to the Wall, lets us hike it for about six miles, then takes us to a restaurant for lunch, and takes us back to the hostel.
The other tourists in the van are all westerners, which actually is strange since we’re used to being the only Americans.
“There it is,” Lori exclaims.
The first glimpse of a portion of The Great Wall is one I’ll never forget. The sheer magnitude of the enormous undertaking to build such a structure is amazing enough on its own. To actually see it is a once in a lifetime experience.
Our driver takes on the role of tour host and provides us with a little history before we get out to walk on the amazing structure.
“The Great Wall was built from east to west across the borders of China. It was created to protect China from raids and invasions. It is the only manmade object on earth visible from the moon.”
I know that claim has been debunked as ludicrous, but it sure sounds good. And while viewing the monstrosity, it seems quite plausible.
Our driver continues. “While parts of the Wall have been preserved and renovated, much of the Wall is now in severe disrepair. There is much to see. Please enjoy.”
“Let’s go,” Hunter says, a glimpse of the man he’d once been. As we begin our hike on The Great Wall, he walks ahead of us like an excited child who wants to see everything first.
Dakota runs to catch up to him and for a time they hold hands as they walk. They’ve been spending a lot of time together and I admit I’ve been wondering about their relationship. Jason and Lori hang behind, walking with their arms around each other.
That leaves me with Stacy.
I nearly jump when she starts to speak to me.
“So . . . you and Julian?”
I’m not quite sure how to respond to that. What exactly is the question? So I simply say, “Yes.”
“I thought so.”
We’ve been spending a lot of time together, so I thought it was pretty obvious.
“I’m happy for him. I mean, if you’re what he wants and all, then that’s good.”
I furrow my eyebrows. Is that a compliment or a put-down? It’s hard to tell. Regardless it’s an overture of . . . friendship? Maybe that’s too strong of a word. How about an outreach to an acquaintance? Yeah, that’s better. At any rate, she’s trying. “Thank you, Stacy.”
Lori yells, “Stacy, c’mere,” and Stacy leaves my side without another word. It’s the strangest conversation I’ve ever had, but I appreciate the attempt.
Standing all alone on The Great Wall of China, I pause and look out into the horizon.
I miss Julian. I wish he was here with me. Alone doesn’t feel good. Alone isn’t how men and women are supposed to live.
If I have that one special person in my life who I love and adore, and who loves and adores me in return, I’ll be happy. That’s all I need.
If I don’t have it, then I’ll feel how I feel right now on this huge monstrosity: ALONE. Alone in a place where I’m a foreigner, always on the outside looking in, always trying to fit in, but never belonging.
For the first time, I wonder what will happen in December when it’s time for me to leave. Are we just a fling? Or are we headed where I think we’re headed?
My eyebrows furrow again. I dread talking to him about our future. It may not turn out well and I’ll be devastated if that’s the case. My gut clenches with worry. But I don’t have a choice, I have to tell him. Right away.
With a deep sigh, I catch up to Hunter and Dakota.
Six miles on The Great Wall nearly kills me. The restored parts are wonderful. The areas with little or no restoration are drudgery. I literally climb, hand and foot, up the steep parts, and crab-walk down the down slopes. Yet it makes me feel as though I’ve walked on the real thing—not just the perfect renovated parts meant for tourists.
When we stop to take a break, Hunter says, “I feel small.”
“I know what you mean,” I say. “Once you have a chance to see the world, it doesn’t feel smaller. Instead, you realize it’s a huge and amazing and incredible place. And we’re just a little speck on its surface.”
“It’s humbling,” Hunter adds, his eyes focus off in the distance. “This makes my little problems feel like fluff. Coming here today has helped me put my life into perspective.”
Evidently I’m not the only one feeling a little wistful today.
Dakota nudges him with her shoulder and he nudges her back as she says, “I think it’s made me realize nothing lasts forever and I’d better latch onto what’s important while I have the chance.” She reaches out and holds Hunter’s hand. “If I don’t have people in my life, I have nothing. Relationships last forever. Everything else is fleeting.”
I stare at Hunter and Dakota’s tightly clasped hands. Dakota’s boyfriend had stopped communicating with her, much to her dismay. It looks like something really is developing between those two. I hope it works out for them. They are both amazing people.
Lori adds, ‘”It’s like all the minutiae in my life has disappeared and I suddenly see everything so clearly. None of that stuff matters. People matter. And that’s all.”
“Soon we’ll go back to our busy lives in the States and all of this will seem like a dream,” Jason says with a crack in his voice.
“A good dream.” Lori gives Jason a quick hug.
Hunter takes a swig from his bottled water. “Don’t worry. As the saying goes, life is just reloading. It’ll hit us again when we return home.”
We laugh at Hunter’s analogy, smiling at each other. Here we are, six Americans whose lives never would’ve crossed paths unless we’d decided to take this trip to China. Our experience has changed each of us in some way, some more than others.
“I’ll never forget this moment,” Stacy blurts, surprising all of us.
“Me neither. I love you guys.” Lori initiates a group hug and we all lean closer to accommodate her.
I don’t share anything else. While I’d found Julian, I don’t know what the future holds for us and the worry holds me hostage.
The rare introspective moment soon ends and we climb into the van for the ride to the restaurant for lunch.
We spend the next morning at The Forbidden City, viewing all of the ancient artifacts. We also spend some time at Tiananmen Square. It’s aptly named. It really is just an incredibly large public square. However, due to the historical events that have occurred here, it makes me reflect on its somber history.
Stacy takes pictures of Jason and Lori jumping up in the air and Dakota takes pictures of Hunter doing a handstand in the middle of the square. I know Julian would’ve shaken his head and called it PDA. And I would’ve agreed. Too many people have lost their lives in or near the Square and it feels as though a certain reverence ought to be maintained. I let them have their fun and don’t voice my thoughts.
We all sleep on the flight home, exhausted from our sightseeing.
I dream of Julian, knowing the day I’ll see him again is all that much closer and I long for him with every fiber of my being.
Chapter Twenty-Three
November
DAKOTA ENTERS MY classroom and quietly waits while I finish singing about the wheels on the bus.
“Hi Miss Dakota,” I say.
The kids in the class mimic me and say, �
�Hi Miss Dakota.”
“Go.” Dakota points to the door. “I’ll take over for the last fifteen minutes.”
“Go?” Is it Julian? Is he home?
“You have a phone call and the caller happens to be down the street and I think you better take it.”
“Oh.” I stand a little too quickly. Yes, it’s Julian. He’s due home sometime today, but he hadn’t been able to give me an exact arrival time.
“Go,” Dakota says again with a cheesy grin.
The children once again mimic her.
“Go! Go! Go! Go!”
“Give him a kiss from me too,” Dakota teases as I fly out the door.
The chanting changes to “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” It follows me down the hall and makes me pick up my pace.
When I pick up the phone, a voice says, “I’m home. Can you come right now?”
No “Hi, it’s Julian.” No “Hello.” No “Hi, how are you?” No preamble whatsoever. Just an “I’m home. Can you come right now?”
“I’ll be there in less than a minute.”
I don’t stop to grab Dulcinea. It would be faster, but taking the time to get her would feel longer. Instead, I burst out the doors of the school and begin to run as fast as my legs will carry me toward Burger, Burger, toward Julian, toward the love of my life.
I ignore the November humidity and wish for the pleasant chill of fall as little breathy giggles escape. I’m glad no one is around to tease me for being so ridiculously giddy.
At about the halfway point, Julian comes into view, jogging along the sidewalk toward me, just as eager to see me as I am to see him. A silly smile spreads across my face and won’t go away no matter how hard I try to erase it. So much for playing it cool.
That’s okay. The same silly smile is pasted on his face. Our actions betray us. It’s no secret; we’re crazy for each other.
We meet in the middle. I run to him and jump into his arms, straddling him. Our lips find each other as if powered by the pull of a magnetic force, as if meant to be together.
At first we say nothing, just kiss, enjoying the feel of our lips pressed together.
