by E. L. Todd
“Are you off work?”
“Just got home and out of the shower.”
Damn, I missed the show. “I need to talk to you. I have some ridiculously big news. Can I come over?” And please still be in a towel when I get there.
“Absolutely. The front door is open.”
“Alright. See you soon.”
“I’ll order a pizza. You’re probably starving.” The teasing tone was in his voice.
I smiled automatically, turned on by that simple joke. The banter between us felt so much more flirtatious now that I wanted to hit his sheets. Of course, it made me blush. “Good call.”
***
When I walked in, the pizza was already there. Zeke wasn’t in a towel, unfortunately. He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, the kind with a V-neck down the front. It wasn’t as prominent as the one in his scrubs, but I could still see the definition of muscle around his collarbone.
“So, what’s the big news?” He grabbed a beer from the fridge, opened it for me, and left it on the table so I could grab it whenever I wanted.
I always opened my own beer, and I thought it was strange he did it for me. I sat down and pulled the beer toward me but didn’t take a drink. With my news, there wouldn’t be time for drinking or eating. “Rex was never seeing a woman named Bonnie.”
Zeke pulled a slice onto his plate but didn’t take a bite. His attention turned back to me. “What are you getting at?”
“Last night, Kayden told me she and Rex were fooling around for a while. Basically, they were fuck buddies.”
Judging by the way Zeke’s eyes expanded to twice their size, he had no clue. “Are you serious?”
“Dead serious.”
“Are you sure?”
“Kayden wouldn’t make that up.”
Flustered, he ran his fingers through his hair like a sexy model who just got out of the pool. “Wow…that’s insane.”
“I guess it lasted a long time, a few months.”
“I can’t believe Rex would be so stupid as to get involved with a friend like that.”
The hope died in my chest when I heard what he said. Did that mean he would never want to date me because we were good friends? That the risk to our friendship outweighed our attraction?
“I can’t believe I never noticed. They seemed so normal around each other.”
“I couldn’t believe it either. Kayden explained that’s why she’s sleeping around with every guy she sees.”
“Because?”
Did I need to spell it out for him? “She’s in love with him. She told me she’s been in love with him for years. She thought if they started a physical relationship, he would see her as more than just a friend. But he ended it one day and that was it.”
“She had feelings for him all this time?”
I nodded.
“And none of us knew?”
“I guess so. She’s heartbroken over the whole thing. I told her she needs to focus on getting better, not sleeping with every man in Seattle.”
“All the men in Seattle will be disappointed,” he said with a chuckle.
I narrowed my eyes.
“Other than me,” he said quickly. “I don’t see Kayden like that and never have.” His voice came out defensive, even a little paranoid. “So does Rex know?”
He didn’t need to ask that to get my answer. “No. He’s clueless.”
“I guess that doesn’t surprise me.”
“She asked me not to say anything, and I guess I won’t…but I’ve noticed how down he’s been lately. He’s been withdrawn and sad, and sometimes I wonder if it’s because of her. Maybe he’s just as miserable with this breakup as she is.”
“Maybe. I remember talking to him about it when I thought the woman was named Bonnie. I said he should end it before things became serious. He would just hurt her in the end. But it didn’t seem like he really wanted to shake her.”
“Maybe he didn’t.”
“But he seemed adamant about her not getting attached…which makes me think he’s not serious about her.”
Unfortunately. “I think I’m going to tell him anyway.”
“You sure you want to do that?”
“Yeah. I want him to understand how much he hurt my friend with his stupid decision to use her. And if he does have deeper feelings for her, I want him to understand she feels the same way so he can do something about it.”
Zeke was quiet, telling me he disagreed.
“She doesn’t want him to know because if he does chase after her, it’s only because I talked him into it. If he comes to her on his own terms, then she’ll know it’s real. But what she doesn’t get is, Rex is totally dense about these sorts of things. He’s not good at reading people and understanding emotions. You really have to spell stuff out for him. And even then, he doesn’t totally get it either.”
“True.” Zeke grabbed his slice and took a bite. “So I have to act like I don’t know anything?”
“Until I talk to him.”
“Let me know when you do. Because I want to give him an earful.”
I actually felt bad for my brother.
He answered my unspoken question. “I’m his best friend. He should have told me about this.”
“Kayden is my best friend, but she didn’t tell me either. So you’re in good company.”
“Anytime I’m with you, I’m in good company.” He took another bite and chewed like he didn’t just say something that could make me melt. He had moves without even trying. Or maybe it was just because I was so head over heels that everything he said made my heart burn with hope.
***
“I need to talk to you.” I grabbed the remote and turned off the TV.
“You know what?” Rex sat up and glared at me. “I’m really tired of the way you barge in all the time.”
“Into my own living room?”
“Well, you don’t need to turn off the TV,” he said defensively. “I’m watching the game.”
“There’s always a game on, Rex. You can’t watch them all.” I sat on the other couch and tossed my purse aside.
“Then hurry up and spit it out so I can get back to it.”
“I know about you and Kayden.” I just came out and said it, being blunt about it. There was no good way to start this conversation, and there also wasn’t a bad way to start it either. No matter what, it would be awkward.
Rex kept his expression exactly the same, giving nothing away. “That we’re friends and nothing more?”
“That you were fuck buddies for a long time until you dumped her.”
Rex’s face contorted into one of fear. His eyes widened and he stopped breathing for nearly five seconds. “Uh…” He couldn’t think of a clever lie to get him out of this rut so he continued to sit there awkwardly, mumbling random words. “Hmm…”
I let him sit on the hot seat a little longer as punishment. “I’m going to be straight with you even though Kayden doesn’t want me to. Because I think there’s a chance that she means more to you than just some hookup. The reason why she’s been sleeping around is because she’s heartbroken over you. Before you hooked up, she was in love with you. She’s been in love with you for years. She thought if you guys started fooling around, something more serious would happen. When you dumped her, she was devastated. She still is devastated.”
All the tension left his body once he heard exactly what I said. His eyes found mine, and there was nothing but pure sadness there—along with some self-loathing. “She told you this? She told you she was in love with me?”
“Yes. Under the assumption I wouldn’t tell you any of this.”
He leaned back into the cushion and stared at the blank TV screen. His features slackened and his eyes were full of nothing but the abyss. He didn’t react because he was too shocked by what I just said. “Then why did you tell me?”
“For two reasons. You get to decide which one.”
Now he just looked confused.
“If you don’t
feel anything toward her, then I’m telling you to make you feel like shit. That was really stupid of you, Rex. You shouldn’t have fucked around with my best friend and used her like that. She deserves better than that and you know it.”
Guilt stretched across his face.
“Or because you might see her as more than just a fuck buddy and you can ask her out on a real date and see where it goes. Now, you decide which reason it’s going to be.”
Rex didn’t say anything for a long time. Seven minutes of pure silence passed while he hardly looked at me. He was stoic like a statue, his thoughts hidden deep behind his eyes. He was normally easy to read, but now he was just an enigma.
“Rex?” I pressed.
“I’m thinking.”
“Sorry, I’ve never seen you think before. Not sure what it looked like.” I shouldn’t be so vicious right now, but I couldn’t help it. I was pissed at him for fooling around with Kayden. It was a miracle they were still friends.
He didn’t shoot me a comeback, probably because he was deep in thought. “Does she know about this conversation?”
“No.”
“Then why are you telling me?”
“I’m giving you a chance to change things.”
“Change things?”
“I’ve seen you mope around the house for the past month. You haven’t been yourself in a long time. I haven’t seen you bring a girl over here in that amount of time either, and you seem miserable. It makes me wonder if you’re upset over Kayden and you don’t even realize it.”
He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.
“So?”
“So what?”
“Is that how you feel?”
He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t know…”
“How do you not know?” I demanded.
“I just don’t, okay? I haven’t felt complex emotions like this…ever.”
That was dead-on. “If you do decide to pick things up again, don’t tell her I told you anything. She made it clear she wanted you to come to her on your own terms, because you want to be with her and no other reason. If she knows I talked to you, she’ll think your feelings aren’t as sincere.”
“Okay.”
“You got it?” I asked. “I’m sticking my neck out for you right now, so remember that.”
“Why are you doing that?”
“Because I know you, Rex. I know you don’t read people very well. I thought giving you a heads up would help you decide what to do. I know you aren’t a jerk and would never hurt her on purpose, so you’re going to want to make it right—one way or another.”
“Well…thanks.”
I knew he wouldn’t discuss anything else with me so I left the couch.
“So, are you going to make a move on Zeke?” The question came out of nowhere. “I’m sure you know he’s single.”
I turned back to him. “I’m not gonna pressure him right after he broke up with Rochelle. It would be terrible timing, and I’m sure he’s still emotional about the whole thing. When I think he’s ready, I’ll mention it.”
He nodded. “Good call.”
Chapter Seventeen
Rex
Rae just dropped a bomb on me, and even days later, I was feeling the aftershocks. Kayden not only felt something more than friendship toward me—but she’d been in love with me for years.
Now when I looked back on the obvious tension between us, I understood what was really going on. She was nervous around me, feeling an attraction that I was totally unaware of. She saw me as something more serious than a friend, and when I picked up girls right in front of her, she was devastated.
Now I knew why she cried that night when we had dinner.
Because I picked up two girls right in front of her.
Damn, I felt like an ass.
How did I not notice how she felt all this time? Every time we had sex, I just thought she was good in bed. I had no clue her feelings extended beyond the mutual pleasure our bodies made when we moved together.
Not a damn clue.
Lately, I’d been bummed about seeing Kayden move on in the dating scene. Every time I saw her, she was with a different guy. And Rae told me she was going through them quicker than anyone else she’d ever known.
But now that I knew the real reason, I understood all the damage I caused.
She was sleeping around so she would stop thinking about me. So her heart would be repaired and she could move on with her life.
This was entirely my fault.
I knew I was jealous when I saw her with other men. When I saw her at the bar with some guy drooling all over her, I was so depressed I went home and straight to bed—at nine. I didn’t try picking someone up or calling a regular. All I wanted to do was be alone and suffer in my own misery.
Did that mean I loved her?
Love was a complicated feeling, and I didn’t really understand it. I knew I loved Rae because she was my sister and we were family. I knew I loved Zeke because he was my best friend, and he was as good as family. But romantic love…I had no experience in that realm. All I ever felt was my dick get hard—that’s it.
If I loved her, I figured I would know. And since I didn’t know, I assumed the answer was no.
But I felt something.
I wouldn’t be depressed right now if I only saw her as a friend. I wouldn’t be jealous of the guys who hit her sheets if she didn’t matter to me. I wouldn’t hate myself for hurting her if I really didn’t give a damn.
There was something there.
Should I tell her?
Should I talk to her?
What would I say?
What would I do?
I wouldn’t know until I manned up and did something.
***
When I knocked on her door, I was terrified to see her open it.
What if a guy was in there?
What if I had to watch him walk out, a satisfied smile on his face?
Would I punch him right on the spot?
Kayden cracked the door open. She was in jeans and a t-shirt, probably the clothes she wore to work that day. Her blonde hair was in a braid over one shoulder, and the sunken look in her eyes told me she hadn’t slept well in a long time.
Now that I knew how she really felt, I could see the despair burning in her eyes. She was a mess, heartbroken and damaged like a wrecking ball shattered her entire apartment. She was ten pounds lighter than when we started dating, and it was the kind of weight she couldn’t afford to lose. She was already so thin as it was.
She cleared her throat before she spoke. “Hey, everything alright?”
No. Nothing was alright. “Yeah…are you busy right now?” If a dude was in there, I’d flip out. I knew it. I couldn’t handle it anymore. The jealousy was getting the best of me and turning me into the worst kind of asshole.
“No. What’s up?”
“Can I come in?” I still wasn’t sure what I would say when I finally had her full attention. It would be so much easier if she could just read my mind and determine what I really wanted.
“Uh, sure.” She stepped aside and allowed me into her apartment.
That’s when I noticed how baggy her jeans were. They were loose around her hips and waist. I tried not to stare as I walked into her living room and sat down. Right in that spot, she’d ridden me like a cowgirl. Just a few feet over was the place where she sucked me off for the first time. I wondered if any other guy had erased those memories. If they did, I would feel sick.
She sat on the other couch and watched me, clearly awkward with my unexpected visit. “So…what’s up?”
I rubbed my palms together and tried to think of something to say. I sorted through different options in my mind but couldn’t think of anything good. I decided to go with the truth, the parts that I was certain of. “I hate seeing you with other guys. The other night, when that jackass had his arm around you, I didn’t like it.”
Kayden’s expression finally held some life.
She looked astonished, like that was the last thing I could possibly say to her. She was frozen stiff in her seat, completely shocked.
“I know you’ve been seeing a lot of guys lately because Rae mentioned it and…it bothers me. I haven’t been able to sleep well because it’s all I can think about. When I picture you with other men, it…hurts.” I stared at the floor because I couldn’t believe I was saying any of this. “I know I ended our arrangement. At the time, I thought I was fine with it. But I miss you. I miss talking to you. I walked away because I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want you to get attached to me. But…I think I got attached to you.”
She took a deep breath like she was winded.
I still didn’t look at her because I felt awkward saying any of this to her at all. “I’m not sure what I want, Kayden. All I know is, I don’t want you to see anyone else. I haven’t been with anyone since you, so you don’t need to worry about me.”
I felt her piercing gaze drill into my face.
I looked up.
The expression she gave me was one I’d never seen before. She was equally stunned and mesmerized at the exact same time. “You haven’t been with anyone else?”
I shook my head.
She pointed her finger at her chest. “Just me?”
I nodded. “I haven’t had the urge to be with anyone else. When I brought you soup that one day, it was just an excuse to see you. But you threw me out like you didn’t want anything to do with me. Then when I saw you with the rest of the gang, you were always hooking up with different guys…and I still didn’t want to be with anyone else. I have no idea what I want, but I’m certain of what I don’t want.”
She wrapped her arms around her tiny torso like she was cold.
“Maybe I’m too late. Maybe you prefer doing what you’re doing. But if you’re interested…maybe we could go out or something?” I couldn’t believe I was asking her out on a date. I’d never done that before, not romantically. My heart was racing in my chest because I was terrified her answer would be no. Maybe she loved me before, but after the way I hurt her, she might not want anything to do with me.
“I’d love that.” The emotion caught in her throat and her voice nearly cracked.
“So…no other guys?” I wasn’t usually the monogamous type, but I wanted to know I would be the only man in her life right now.
