She hangs her head and she looks down at her hands where she is pulling a thread on one of her wraps.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
The pain in her voice kills me. I did it again, but she needs to work through this guilt otherwise she’ll be stuck.
“I’m here for you, Addie, always. We all are. You just need to let us in,” I say, wrapping my arm around her shoulder. I feel her stiffen before she jumps to her feet.
“Yeah, well, words mean nothing. Xander said he’d be here for always, too – and then he left me, just like everybody always has. My parents, Liv, Logan, Ty, even Dimitri and Rose now. People always leave.” She screams before storming out of the room and leaving me on the floor speechless. Well, shit. I did not see that coming.
I hear the click of heels coming towards me and looking up, I see a wary looking Celeste heading my way.
“I really don’t want to add to what seems like an already shitty day, but this just came by messenger,” she says, handing me a letter bearing the royal seal. I drag my hand down my face. I knew this would come eventually, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t hoped it would be later rather than sooner. I run my finger under the wax seal, breaking it and lift out the parchment customary to the royal household – because god forbid they just use paper like the rest of us. I roll my eyes before opening the letter out.
“Do you think that’s good idea? It’s addressed to Addie. I’m not saying she’ll definitely be pissed if you read her mail, but there’s a real good chance.”
“You think I don’t know that?” I snap. “But I need to see what it says first before I decide if she’s ready to read it yet. You and I both know the likelihood of what this says, and you also know as well as I do, she’s not ready for what they want from her. It’s not like she’s not permanently pissed at me anyway,” I say with a shrug.
Adelaide,
I know you are going through a time of sadness, and it is because of this, I am writing to you. You need to be with family.
Your presence is required at the Palace. The King has been made aware of your existence and wants to throw a coming out ball of sorts, to show the world you didn’t die on Mr. Bane’s watch all those years ago. I appreciate that the timing is difficult, but our world needs a little happiness, and your return to the palace will do just that.
Your duties as a Royal Princess need to come first. I expect to see you here in no less than a month. I feel this gives you plenty of time to sort your affairs out. If you are not here by then, I will send for you.
Do not disappoint me, Adelaide.
Your Mother,
Queen Eolande
I take a deep breath to calm myself. I have never liked the Queen, never understanding Xander’s strange affection for her, but how could she be so cold towards her own daughter? Especially considering everything Addie is going through. A bloody ball – that’s the last fricking thing the poor girl needs! I pinch the bridge of my nose as I try to decide what to do. Addie will want to see this, but I also know she’ll refuse to go, which I will fully support. She doesn’t respond well to demands and orders, which is what this is. I’m not even sure it has occurred to her that she’s the Princess – and as for their expectations, well, good luck with that. Addie’s so consumed by her grief that she’s not ready to face the world yet. Not the world of the Royals at least.
I scream my frustration in to my pillow. It’s not just my frustration at Kaden, hell, it’s more just my frustration at myself. I’m sick of not being able to keep my temper in check. I’m flying off the handle like a child. I’m disappointed in myself because I know Xander would be, too.
The weeks’ pass, and sometimes I think it’s getting better. I still wake up thinking about Xander every day, but it started to hurt a little less. Like yesterday, yesterday I woke up with a smile on my face. I’d dreamt about him, as I do every night, but this was a happy ending. He’d told me how he’d always love me, that he’d wait for me and how he didn’t want me to be so sad. He kissed me gently and I woke.
Yes, yesterday was a happy day, but then I get a day like today, where waking is like being ripped into a thousand different pieces. Knowing I’m waking up alone, that he’s not coming back, takes every bit of strength to even open my eyes.
It’s days like today when I don’t know how to go forward – or if I even want to, but then Michael sashays into my room and doesn’t let me wallow, or I’ll get a letter from Rose, and I’m reminded of just how lucky I am to have such people in my life. I just wish I could show them how much they mean to me instead of acting like a brat all the time. I just can’t seem to get a grip of myself. Plus, everything with Kaden just confuses me, and that makes me angrier. He seems to anchor my crazy, to silence the swirling darkness threatening to drag me down – but it feels like a betrayal. It shouldn’t be Xander’s brother bringing me peace. It feels wrong that I should be able to feel serenity when Xander is gone. Poor Kaden is getting the brunt of my confusion. I’m not saying it’s fair, or that it makes any sense, but it is what it is.
There’s a knock on my door and Kaden pokes his head round. He raises his hands as he walks in. “I come in peace,” he says with a smirk on his face. I can’t help the matching one that tickles my lips.
“Stop being such a goof,” I laugh, throwing a pillow at him before sitting up. “What brings you to my lair?”
“Figured I probably owed you an apology.”
“You do?”
He looks sheepish and he’s rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
“Yeah,” he says. “I’ve normally done something wrong when women yell at me. I’ve learnt it’s easier to say sorry first, even when I have no bloody clue what I did – usually, it’s me who has messed up or said something I shouldn’t have.”
I sigh deeply as he perches on the edge of my bed.
“You don’t need to apologise, Kaden; you did nothing wrong. If anything, it’s me who needs to say sorry. You’ve been nothing but patient with me. You’ve opened your home to me, treated me like family, put up with all of my crazy – and I’m aware there’s a lot of that – and I keep acting like a spoilt child throwing my toys. I’m beginning to realise I’ve done that a lot in the past; I’ve taken a lot of things for granted. So, I’m sorry, I’ll try to get a better handle on everything.”
“No-one expects you to be okay, Addie. You lost someone you loved. Just remember, you’re not alone.”
I crawl forward across the bed and throw my arms around his neck. “Thank you, Kaden, for everything,” I say.
His arms squeeze me gently. “Always,” he says softly before releasing me. “I’m going away in a few days – Vampyr politics and all that, but if you need anything before I go, just ask. Michael will be staying here while I’m gone, so if you need anything, he’ll be about, okay?”
“Okay,” I nod. I don’t like the thought of him leaving, what if he doesn’t come back? I’m sure he’d tell me if it was dangerous though, right? “Be safe, Kaden.”
“There’s nothing for you to worry about, Addie. I’ll be back before you know it.”
He leaves and tiredness washes over me. I snuggle down into the fort of pillows I’ve built myself, hoping to dream of Xander.
The sun is so bright it makes me squint and I lift my hand to my eyes to try and shield myself from the light. I look across the lake; the sunlight glitters on the surface and I feel so at peace. I close my eyes again and just stand, absorbing the sunlight in my skin, relishing this moment.
Laughter and squeals erupt behind me and I turn to find the source of it.
“No Da-ee! No! Daa-eeeee!”
I see Xander chasing a little boy before scooping him up in his arms and roaring like a dinosaur. He pushes his face into the little boy’s stomach, making the child’s laughter pitch even higher.
“No tickle, Da-eeeee. Mummmeeeee save me!” he cries as his arms reach out towards me.
A smile lights my face as I walk towards them, pulling
the shawl around my shoulders tighter.
“I’ll save you, sweetheart,” I say picking up my pace and tickling Xander to free the little boy into my arms.
“That’s cheating, Rhys. You know Mummy will always save you. She’s the only one who will ever best me,” Xander says, wrapping his arms around me – holding all three of us as one unit. Xander kisses my neck. This right here, is happiness. I don’t think I’ve ever been more content than I am in this moment, wrapped up in my family. Our family.
“I love you, Addie. Always,” he whispers into my ear.
“I love you too, Xan. Forever.”
“Lobe me, tooooooo!” Rhys squeals and I can’t help but laugh.
“Yeah, we love you too, buddy. We love you most of all.”
“Yayyyyy! Lobe you, Mummeee, lobe you, too, da-eee!” he says squirming in my arms. “Playyyyyy,” he commands, before jumping down and running towards the park.
“I guess I’m on swing duty,” Xander chuckles.
“Too right, daddy. Mummy’s going to sit down on this bench right here.” I say, patting the swell of my pregnant belly.
“That she is. Mummy needs to keep my little girl safe. Take it easy. I’ve got the boy,” he says.
“You’re the best Dad he could ever hope for Xander, and this little girl is going to love you just as much as he does.”
“As long as they’re happy, Ads, I’m happy. That’s all I could ever want. Them happy, and you happy by my side, watching them grow. It’s everything I ever dreamt of for us.”
I sigh and relax back into his arms.
“Time to go be super dad,” he says before kissing my cheek and walking towards our son. A tear runs down my cheek; I never thought I’d be this happy again. I watch them until the sun starts to set and the darkness becomes thick.
“Xander? Rhys? Where did you go?” I shout into the darkness.
“Xander! No! Don’t leave me again. Xander. Please. Come back to me.” I sob. “Please don’t leave me.”
“I love you, Addie. Always. Never forget that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy,” he whispers from the darkness and I fall to my knees, sobbing into my hands.
It’s been a week since I dreamt about Xander. Seven whole days since I saw his face or heard his voice and it feels like losing him all over again, except this time, I feel I can handle it better knowing that wherever he is, he is living out his own version of a happy ending. Maybe I’ll get that too.
I know he wouldn’t want me to stop living, which is exactly what I’ve been doing since we came back to the mansion. I’ve been surviving, but I’ve not been living. Now, I need to live for the both of us. I need to get up every morning and live the life he gave me the opportunity to have, otherwise, it was all for nothing.
Climbing out of bed, I walk to the closet and pull out some running gear. After getting dressed, I pull my hair back into a sleek pony tail before heading down to the kitchen. When I walk in, the chatter stops. Michael and Celeste are eating breakfast with people I have never seen before. The discomfort on their faces is enough to make anyone laugh, including me. It feels foreign, but it feels right.
“Who died?” I ask, heading to the fridge, grabbing a cold bottle of water whilst wondering why those particular words had to fall from my mouth. I’m still cringing.
“Erm, Addie. Are you okay?” Michael asks hesitantly.
“No, I’m not – but I will be,” I say with a small smile. “I’m going out for a run, I’ll be back soon.”
Behind me, the kitchen falls silent again, until Michael thankfully breaks the horrible tension. “Addie, wait up,” he hollers. “I’ll come with you. I haven’t been training much recently, it’ll be good for me.”
“Erm, yeah okay, sure,” I say with a smile.
He’s already darting off down the hall towards his room. I use the time to stretch myself out, waiting for him in the entrance hall. It’s been too long since I did any form of workout. Everything feels so tight and stiff. The sight of my reflection in the window jars me; I hadn’t fully realised how much weight I’d lost since Xander.... I look almost emaciated; rail thin and my jaw sticks out. I don’t like it at all. I make a vow to take better care of myself, Xander wouldn’t want this for me.
“Ready to go?” Michael asks, sauntering towards me. He’s thrown on a pair of sweatpants and running shoes. His blue Mohawk is stood tall and his torso is bare.
“You know, if I didn’t know better, Michael, I’d think you were trying to distract me with all of your fabulousness.”
“Oh, sweetie, this is nothing,” he says with a wink. “I reserve all my fabulous for people with a whole different set of tools – but for you, I might consider trying it out.”
I can’t help but laugh at him, even in the darkest of times he shines and sparkles bright.
He starts at a slow paced run, and hard as I try, I can’t keep pace. I’ve let myself go. Before he’s even started, I’m bent in half, holding my cramping stomach.
“Maybe this was a bad idea,” I wheeze.
“Of course not,” he says, still jogging on the spot. “You just need time to get back into it. Maybe we should start with a brisk walk, and get you in the gym to build up some of the muscle you’ve lost? Plus, we need to get some food inside of you; I can’t remember the last time I saw you eat,” he scolds.
I look at the floor sheepishly. “Pizza and a movie tonight?”
“That wasn’t exactly what I meant, baby girl, but if you want pizza, you get pizza. At least it’s food. I’m more surprised you don’t want a burger!” he chuckles.
“Oh I’m having a burger, too. I’m just going to have that for lunch,” I say with a cheesy grin on my face.
“I’m glad to see some of your sparkle back, sweetie. I’ve missed you.” His tone turns sombre, “I was worried that we had lost you, too.” He pulls me into a side hug and I hug him back, tightly.
“I’m still here. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to sort my head out. It’s just… Xander has gone. It felt an impossibility. Then Dimitri left, and I felt abandoned all over again. Everyone I grew up with has left me, too. There’s only so many times people can leave you before you start to think maybe I wasn’t worth sticking around for, ya know? It makes you feel pretty worthless – either that or cursed.”
“Hey, we’re here for you, Addie.”
“Yes, you are.” I nod but my smile is fleeting. With my track record, how long would they be in my life? “And Kaden. He’s still here, too.” The mention of his name makes me flush with guilt. Did I just betray the confusion I feel about him?
“Well, I’m glad to have you back, sweetness. Now let’s get you out of this cold weather, and get you a burger,” Michael says.
I follow him back to the mansion, thinking over our conversation. Trying to convince myself that a curse is a ridiculous idea – even if it does offer an explanation.
“Want to try this again tomorrow?” he asks.
“That might be a good idea what with the pizza coma I intend on putting us both in tonight,” I laugh.
“Kaden, man, we need to talk,” Michael says as he swans into my office. It’s not like I was busy, but he really needs to learn about boundaries – at least how to freaking knock.
“What’s up?”
“It’s Addie.”
I sit up straighter. I’ve not been about for a few days, so goodness only knows what’s been going on. I prepare myself for the worst.
“Okay?” I say.
“She’s getting restless. She’s slowly coming back to us, which is a God damn miracle, but all she has to focus on at the minute is what she’s lost, and getting back into shape. This place is too limiting. I think we need to get her something to do, something to keep her busy, which doesn’t let her go backwards. Maybe you could speak to the Academy, or even the nursery about her teaching. You and I both know she’s one of the best fighters our world has – and imagine what she’s going to be capable of when she finally realises
she has centuries of memories all full of fighting; of a life that isn’t the one she lives now – but I’m babbling.”
I stroke my face and push against my temple. Michael is right, but it doesn’t sit easy with me. I’m not sure I hold the same confidence that Addie unlocking her past is going to be a necessarily positive thing – there’s some dark history locked away, and maybe it’s better if it stays locked away. I sigh heavily. I’m tired. I’m not used to feeling this powerless. Michael is looking at me like an expectant puppy. I don’t get his thing with Addie, but something is there between them. I don’t see much alternative at present, and Michael, much as I like the guy, has this way of pressing my nerves. If I don’t throw him a bone, then he’s going to be on my case. I can’t take any more. Smiling, I say, “That all sounds like a great idea, and I’ll see what I can do --,”
Michael’s smile widens but I’m about to wipe it off his face. “But you’re forgetting something, Michael.”
“Huh?”
“She’s not just our Addie anymore; she is a Valoire Princess, and that means many things for her, things we probably won’t agree with, but we won’t have any control over,” I explain.
A frown follows his realisation. “No.” He shakes his head. “They surely can’t want her now? Most of the world thinks she died as a child. Poor Xander had that secret hanging over his head for years – and now he’s died, they’re just going to… what?” he shrugs with frustration.
“They can do what they like. They are royalty. I’m surprised King Kellan is even interested, though I suppose her being the Reborn, it’s more of a play for power than anything else. They’ve already sent word for her.”
“They have? But I spoke to Addie this morning and she didn’t mention it,” he says.
I know I’m not able to hide the sheepishness that has crept across my face.
“Oh, my God!” he starts to raise his voice. “You didn’t tell her! Are you crazy? Do you have a death wish? Jeez Kaden. She’s going to flip her lid!” he is ranting; his hands up in the air as he paces in front of me. I’ve not seen this side to him before and I’m quite captivated by this turn in his character. Behind him, the door opens slowly. It’s Addie. Well, shit!
Soar (The Immortal Chronicles Book 3) Page 3
