‘Did we? I don’t know about you, but I wanted companionship and I thought that’s what we had.’
‘We did. We do, but…’ He ran both hands over his head. ‘Damn it, Megan. I’m not father material. Or husband material, for that matter.’
‘Who says?’
‘I do.’
‘Well, you’re wrong.’ She scooted to the edge of the sofa. ‘I’ve seen you with Trevor and Angie and I know how you are with me. You’re kind, thoughtful, considerate. If those aren’t qualities that any one would want in a spouse or a parent, I don’t know what are.’
‘Did you hear what Trevor called me?’
‘Yes. He’s obviously overheard some of Angie’s conversations about mommies and daddies. It doesn’t mean anything. If you recall, he called me dada, too.’
‘The point is, they’re getting attached to me and that won’t work.’
‘Are you worried about their attachment to you, or your attachment to them?’
He fell silent and she knew she’d pegged his fear correctly.
‘They love you, Jonas, because you’re sweet and kind and special. They sense that and probably always did.’
Jonas paced. ‘I can’t be what they need. I’m like one of those migratory birds we saw today. I can’t stay in one place.’
‘Can’t? Or won’t?’ He didn’t answer. ‘Explain it to me, Jonas. I want to understand.’
‘I don’t want any ties.’
‘Why not?’ she pressed.
‘Because it hurts to leave.’
‘Then don’t.’
‘I have to.’
‘Why?’
‘Would you stop with the twenty questions?’ he exploded.
Megan refused to back down. ‘I will when you give me a good answer.’
He hesitated, as if considering her request and deciding what to say. ‘I told you that we moved a lot.’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, I spent a lot of time with other families when my dad was gone. Some were OK, some weren’t. There were two families that were special. They treated me like I was one of theirs and I made the mistake of pretending that I was. I was heartbroken when my dad was transferred, and after the second time I decided I couldn’t go through that again.’
‘You’re not that child any longer, Jonas,’ Megan said softly.
‘No, but it wasn’t too long ago when a med school friend of mine who positively doted on his wife and three kids lost everything. She decided that she didn’t like raising a family by herself because he was gone more often than not, so she moved out. Harry was forced to rely on her good will in order to see his own children and, believe me, her good will came in short supply.’
‘Didn’t he have court-ordered visitation?’
He snorted. ‘A lot of good that did. If she didn’t want to let them see him, she made some excuse like the kids were sick or they were staying at a friend’s house. I can’t tell you how many times he was supposed to have them for the weekend and he’d end up at my place, getting drunk because she’d cancelled. The sad thing is that he would have been a marvelous pediatrician, but he couldn’t handle being around other people’s kids. He finally switched to orthopedics. I don’t need that kind of heartache.’
How could she counter those sorts of experiences? Any one would leave emotional scars, but adding them together made for a deadly combination.
‘No, you don’t,’ she agreed. ‘But that doesn’t mean your life will be a carbon copy of his.’
‘No, but what I know about parenting or being a husband wouldn’t fill the tip of an eyedropper.’
‘So you do like everyone else. You learn as you go. It isn’t a case of some people have this knowledge and others don’t. We all have to pick up things by trial and error. We’ll make mistakes, but as long as we try, what more can anyone ask?’
Jonas shook his head. ‘I can’t do it.’
Megan was running out of cards to play. ‘So you’re going to run.’
‘It’s better this way.’
‘For whom? You? I can’t believe you want to spend your life alone, like Violet Spears. If you think I’m better off without you, then guess again.’ She drew a bracing breath and played her final card. ‘I love you.’
He flinched as if he couldn’t carry another burden on his shoulders. ‘Don’t make this harder than it already is.’
She straightened her spine. ‘I’m not trying to be difficult. I only want you to know how I feel.’
‘I warned you that I wasn’t interested in anything permanent. You shouldn’t have expected it.’
‘I didn’t. I’d hoped, wished and dreamed that we could have something long-lasting, but I never expected anything.’ She managed a smile. ‘I’m not a glutton for punishment.’
‘For what it’s worth,’ he said slowly, ‘if I chose someone to stay with, it would be you.’
Later, she would grasp his words as a consolation, but now she couldn’t.
‘If I wasn’t so angry with you for being so stubborn,’ she retorted, ‘I’d be flattered. But I am, so I’m not. Do you know what your problem is?’ Before he could answer, she told him. ‘For a man who holds people’s lives in his hand, you’re scared.’
He raised his voice. ‘Damn right I am. With medicine, there are certain laws of nature that we follow, certain rules about how the body works that can’t be broken. With a relationship, there’s nothing. No guide book, no instruction manual. You’re on your own.’
He was so adamant that she knew her aspirations of a future with him were doomed. Her eyes burned with unshed tears, but she blinked them away. ‘No, you’re not,’ she said quietly. ‘It takes two people to make it a success or a failure.’
‘After Dwight, how can you say that?’
‘After Dwight, I have to say that. I obviously didn’t meet some need that he had. Maybe if we’d talked about it, we could have worked out the problem, but we didn’t. Just because we broke up, it didn’t mean I swore off ever having a relationship again.’
She hadn’t then, but she would now. Jonas didn’t need to know that, however.
‘I think it’s best if I fade into the woodwork,’ he said with conviction. ‘I’m leaving soon anyway.’
She’d failed, but she wasn’t going to grovel. She had some pride.
‘You’re probably right,’ she said with a serenity that she didn’t feel. ‘I love you, but you don’t love me back. That happens and I can accept it.’
Actually, she couldn’t, but she didn’t have much choice.
‘Please, promise me, though, that somewhere down the line you’ll let yourself love someone. Otherwise you’re going to waste a huge portion of yourself until all that’s left is a shell of who you could have been.’
Sensing she was about to choke on the emotion she’d suppressed, Megan rose. ‘Now, if you don’t mind, I have a few chores to do before Trevor wakes and demands my full attention.’
Refusing to watch him walk out of her life, she turned on one heel and hid in her bedroom until she heard the front door close. The quiet snick unleashed the floodgates, and as she hugged her pillow to her face to stifle her sobs, she whispered her goodbyes.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
JONAS drove home feeling as distraught and heartbroken as the fifteen-year-old boy who, out of self-preservation, had vowed not to grow attached to the families he lived with.
How was he supposed to feel, what was he supposed to think? Being called daddy and informed that the woman who’d wiggled her way into his heart loved him was bound to send any man running for cover, especially one who didn’t have relationships, only flings.
Normally he said his goodbyes and moved on without a backward glance. He drove away with pleasant memories, satisfaction in his gut and a healthy anticipation of what lay ahead.
Now, as he severed the ties that had entangled him so unexpectedly, emptiness filled his soul. Why did Megan have to fall in love with him? It only made things worse. Who would have guessed that trying to save Dwi
ght Fleming from an unhappy relationship would have totally changed his own life? He should have known better than to break the rules he’d created to save himself heartache.
‘I did what had to be done,’ he told Penny some fifteen minutes later. ‘It’s best to just rip the bandage off in one swoop.’
Yet, as he scratched the retriever’s ears, he realized that his problem just wasn’t with Megan. He had another problem lying at his feet.
His house and yard suddenly closed in around him. Impulsively, he escaped from the dog who was a reminder of unwanted ties and the house that reeked of Megan’s scent. Hoping to find peace on the golf course, he drove there like a man on a mission.
Eighteen holes and five lost balls later, he’d convinced himself that he bore enough responsibility with his profession. Adding a wife, two kids and a dog to the mix was simply asking too much. He would fail.
Suddenly, seeing Megan nearly every day for the next two months seemed like a cruel punishment. Without giving himself time to reconsider, he called his superior, Martin Akers, who co-ordinated the physicians’ schedules.
‘How’s MacGregor doing?’ he asked as soon as he’d identified himself.
Martin laughed. ‘What’s wrong, Taylor? Have you gone through all the single women in Stanton so soon?’
‘You could say that,’ he replied. ‘Is there any chance that MacGregor can take over his position before July first?’
‘Are you that bored that you can’t wait to get back in the fast lane?’ Martin teased.
‘I just think I can do more good someplace else,’ he evaded.
‘That may be, but I’ll have to check with MacGregor and see. I hear that he and his wife are finally doing the traveling she’s been begging for, so I don’t know if he’ll agree to cut short his leave of absence. I’ll let you know.’
‘Fair enough.’
Jonas disconnected the call, encouraged that he could put all this behind him sooner than originally anticipated. All he had to do now was to figure out what to do with Penny…and how to turn off his regrets.
Megan spent Sunday morning explaining to Angie that she probably wouldn’t see Jonas as often as she used to.
In typical four-year-old fashion, she asked, ‘Why?’
‘Because he’s going to be moving away in a few weeks and he needs to pack.’
‘It didn’t take me long to pack when I moved here,’ she said.
‘Jonas has more things than you do.’ The excuse was weak, but Angie wouldn’t suspect otherwise. His house had come fully furnished and, as far as Megan had been able to tell during her visits, he wasn’t a man prone to collecting possessions.
Of course he wouldn’t, she thought with exasperation. Those reminders of people and places would only form the very ties that he shunned.
‘Why does he have to move?’
‘Because it’s part of his job.’
‘Why can’t his job let him stay here?’
‘He has to work in other hospitals. That’s his job.’
‘Then he won’t be our daddy, either?’
Megan stroked Angie’s hair. ‘When I find someone special to be your daddy, I’ll let you know.’
Angie shrugged. ‘Will he come back and visit us?’
Megan hugged Angie and swallowed the lump in her throat. She couldn’t tell the truth. She simply couldn’t. ‘Some day.’
Although Angie took Megan’s answer in her stride, Megan noticed that she started to wear her angel wings again.
Trevor was a different story. He toddled from room to room, calling for ‘dada.’ It broke her heart to watch him search for a man who wasn’t there and never would be again.
‘His name is Jonas,’ she coaxed repeatedly. ‘Jo-nas.’
Trevor would look up at her with a question in his big brown eyes. ‘O-na?’
‘Jonas,’ Megan would say firmly.
‘Dada,’ came Trevor’s reply. ‘Dada.’
Hearing that word over and over strained Megan’s stressed nerves, but what could she do? She’d prayed for the day when Trevor would finally talk. It wasn’t his fault that his first and obviously favorite word was the one guaranteed to cause her pain.
I hope you’re happy, Jonas.
On Monday morning, Trevor started bouts of inconsolable crying. Fortunately, Megan didn’t have to take him to the hospital’s child care center because it was her day off, so she did her best to draw his attention to his favorite toys and books. At times she was successful, but most often she wasn’t.
By mid-afternoon, he would simply drop to the floor, draw his legs close to his body and whimper from what was obviously a severe stomach cramp. Her instincts warned her that this was more than feeling blue because Jonas hadn’t appeared in answer to Trevor’s call, but he didn’t otherwise act like he had flu. What was even more puzzling was he acted perfectly fine, albeit pale, after each episode.
When she found his stool bloody and his abdomen swollen by late afternoon, her nurse’s training shouted that this was definitely serious.
She discussed his symptoms with their pediatrician who advised her to bring him to his office immediately, although it was minutes before closing time. Without hesitation she dialed her mother to make arrangements for Angie.
‘Can you watch her for a few hours?’ she asked. ‘Dr Bloomfield needs to see Trevor. Something’s wrong.’
‘Of course, dear,’ Nancy told her after she described the situation. ‘Why don’t I drive over and save you the trip?’
‘Thanks, Mom, but I’m ready to walk out of the door right now. We’ll be there shortly.’
On the way to her parents’, the mantle of single parenthood had never felt so heavy. She was tempted to call Jonas, to let his calm voice flow over her and settle her fears, but if she was going to cope with disasters and illness without him, she may as well start getting used to it now.
‘Where are those lab reports?’ Jonas barked at Louise. ‘I can’t believe it takes two hours to run a basic chemistry panel and a CBC.’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Tell them if I don’t have the results in five minutes, I’m filing a complaint. And I don’t want some half-baked excuse either. I want to finish up this case so I can go home.’
‘Yes, sir.’ Louise eyed him warily as she picked up the phone.
Jonas stormed into his office. The day had been a continuation of his disastrous weekend and his mood hadn’t improved since Saturday evening. No matter how many holes of golf he’d played, he simply hadn’t found the peace he needed. A vision of Megan marrying someone else, Angie and Trevor smiling up at another man and calling him daddy, tormented him.
Yet he couldn’t take the final step.
To make matters worse, he’d worried over seeing Megan for the first time since their little chat, and all for nothing. Because of the nurses’ ten-hour shift schedules, she was off today.
The department should have run smoothly, but everything that could have gone wrong did. The computer system was down for two hours, the lab was slow, Radiology’s CAT scanner went on the blink and Central Supply had run out of his glove size.
He paced back and forth. The entire ER staff had trodden softly around him today and he didn’t blame them. He would have avoided himself if it had been possible.
The last forty-eight hours had been the longest and the worst of his life. If he didn’t work through this soon, the staff would boot him out the door long before MacGregor returned. Even the news that Violet Spears was recovering hadn’t improved his temper.
Louise stood in the door with a piece of paper in hand. ‘Here are those results.’
‘It’s about time.’ He glanced over the form before handing it back to her. ‘As soon as I discharge this patient, I’m out of here.’
She muttered something under her breath that sounded like ‘Thank God’, but he didn’t respond. When he left some fifteen minutes later, he thought he heard a collective sigh in the background.
He’d take
Penny for a run to blow the cobwebs out of his mind, he decided. Maybe more vigorous exercise would help his frame of mind. As he drove away from the hospital, he idly noticed a blue pickup following him, but his curiosity didn’t grow until its driver parked in front of his house.
He climbed out of his vehicle and greeted Penny, who stood at the gate leading to the back yard with her nose pressed through the chain-link fence.
A man slid out of the truck and approached him. Jonas noted that he was in his thirties and wore obvious work clothes of jeans and a long-sleeved cotton shirt.
‘Dr Taylor?’ he asked.
Jonas rubbed Penny’s head while he answered. ‘Yes?’
‘I’m Tom Billings. Dr Millard mentioned that you were interested in finding a home for your golden retriever.’ He pointed to Penny. ‘Is that her?’
‘Yes, it is.’ Jonas should have been thrilled by a prospective owner falling into his proverbial lap, but he wasn’t. Even with Doug’s apparent recommendation that this family would be suitable, he found himself hesitating. ‘So you’re looking for a dog?’
‘My wife and I decided our son is old enough to look after a pet. We wanted an animal who’s good with kids because Timmy is ten, Molly is eight and Meredith is four. Dr Millard suggested your dog might be what we need. Our place covers five acres, so she would have plenty of room to roam.’
‘I see.’
This was what Jonas had wanted. It was the last tie that had to be severed. Yet as he stared at Penny’s pleading eyes, his plan didn’t seem quite as satisfying. The Billingses would take good care of Penny, he had no doubt. Penny would have plenty of space, get lots of exercise and have children loving her to death.
Sending Penny with him was for the best, but it was a jolt to realize that a mere ten-year-old boy was willing to do what a thirty-four-year-old man was not. And yet if he wasn’t interested, why was he dragging his feet?
Penny whined and licked his fingers.
Don’t you want someone to talk to? Megan’s voice reverberated through his head. Penny had listened to him for hours these past two days. She was a darned sight cheaper than a therapist.
Promise me that you’ll let yourself love someone.
A White Knight in ER Page 16
