by Anna Antonia
Un-fucking-believable.
“Really? Hmm, let me think about that. Nope. I mean it. Who do you think you are? How dare you play with people’s lives, their hearts, the way you do? Just last night you pretty much tell me you like me and then today you treat me like shit. What kind of sick sadistic bastard are you?”
Gavin’s face darkened with what I assumed to be anger.
“Paige, you’ve said enough.”
Self-destructive to the max, I needed to enrage him to the point where he’d throw me out of the building himself. I had to push far enough that there was absolutely no going back.
“What’s the matter, Gavin? Did I hit too close to home? You like to dish it out but you can’t take it, hmm?”
Gavin stared at me as if he didn’t know quite what to do with me. Aggressively, I waited for the character assassination to begin. I expected him to yell out just how terrible of a person and employee I was.
He basically had already said I sucked and that was before he was mad at me.
Really mad at me.
I couldn’t wait for it. A tiny part of me was scared to feel his venomous tongue but I wanted him to let it all out. I needed him to blast me, to tell me what a piece of shit I was. That was his part to play and I’d done everything he practically needed to say his lines.
Go on. Tell me what a mistake it was to hire me. Tell me I’m the worst assistant you’ve ever had. Tell me how much better Caroline is than I am. I know you want to.
Would it hurt hearing it? Of course.
But if anything, I needed that kind of venom to cure me of this intense infatuation/obsession with Gavin Hawthorne. Then I’d be able to walk out of here with no regrets. And maybe, just maybe, I’d get to the point where I’d know I sacrificed my selfish desires for something purer.
But he didn’t give me what I needed. He just stood there.
The seconds ticked by. Still nothing.
I’ll make you talk. I’ll make you scream at me until you’re hoarse. I’m very good at that.
“Well, what are you waiting for, Mr. Boss Man? Give it to me.”
Gavin remained silent. The previous anger on his face wiped clean. He continued to stare at me, his gaze busily searching for only God knew what.
This wasn’t what I was used to. I couldn’t stand it. Obsessed and needing relief, I started to pace in a tight circle.
“Why are you dragging this out? Didn’t you hear me? I quit! Don’t you have anything to say? I know you do. Get it over with! Go off on me! I know you want to. Here’s your chance, Mr. Boss Man!”
I couldn’t control this feeling overtaking me. I sounded unhinged. All I knew was right now Gavin’s silence was making me crazy. I didn’t know what was in his mind and I didn’t know what he would say next.
If I was less frenzied I would’ve considered the possibility Gavin was using his silence as a weapon. If so, it was an excellent one. Maybe if I was more rational I’d be able to use it too.
“Paige.”
I paused in my erratic pacing and shot him a dirty look.
“What?”
“I want to apologize.”
What the hell did he just say? Blinking slowly, I tried to process his words.
“What? Come again.”
“I want to apologize for today. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
Was he mocking me? Was he trying to push me over the edge of all goddamned reason?
“Who said my feelings were hurt? I never said you hurt my feelings.”
“You didn’t have to say it, love. I can see that now.” Gavin approached, gingerly as if he expected me bolt. “I’m sorry, Paige. Really I am.”
Love? I wasn’t his love. I’d never be his love. I wasn’t like Marlene Weatherby. If she couldn’t get Gavin’s heart then what did that say about my chances?
I didn’t like this. I didn’t know how I was supposed to respond or react. An apology. Really? We were in the middle of a fight! Didn’t he understand that?
“Why are you apologizing to me? You’re not supposed to apologize to me.”
A small but sad smile lifted the corner of his full mouth.
“Who says I’m not supposed to apologize?”
“I don’t know. Because you’re my boss? Because we’re fighting?”
Because you’re a man? Because men never apologize?
“Being your boss doesn’t mean I’m above apologizing, especially if I caused you harm. I was out of line. I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings, Paige. Believe it or not I was trying to protect you.”
I couldn’t even begin to expect that as an answer.
“Protect me from what?”
“From me.”
This didn’t make sense. I glared at Gavin, trying to see if he really was putting me on. His somber expression denied such a thing.
“From you? Why would I need any protection from you?” I bit my lip before saying the rest of “Any more than I’d need since you’re a man.”
Saying that would be like throwing a match on a gasoline-soaked rag. So why didn’t I say it? I could end everything with just that…
Because I don’t really want to end it. I’m just scared.
My head pounded. I lost control of everything and I didn’t even know where to begin to pick up the pieces. None of this was turning out like I thought it would.
Gavin shook his head and let out a sigh.
“I really messed up, didn’t I? I was trying to protect you from me because all I wanted to do was touch you. Like this.”
He reached for my face. I thought to avoid his touch, or at least my anger did. Instead, I stood there docile but shaking as his hand slowly caressed the line of my jaw.
I shuddered, coming undone with just one gentle touch.
The spot beneath his fingertips was the exact spot my father would slap when I went too far or angered him in any way. I didn’t like it when anyone tried to touch my face, even by accident, but with Gavin it all felt so different.
It felt…good.
Wonderful even.
My hand fluttered above his, tempted to touch him too but not daring just in case it was a trick.
“I don’t understand. Why are you being nice to me?”
“Because I hurt you today. I’m sorry for that.”
This was wrong. I was the one who stepped out of line. I was the one who couldn’t make things perfect, even if they weren’t my fault.
I was supposed to apologize. Not him. Never Gavin.
“Why do you keep saying you hurt me?”
“Because I did. I didn’t understand it at first but I do now.”
A vice tightened around my chest. Gavin’s kindness in seeing something so private, something I didn’t even want to acknowledge, made me feel exposed.
Vulnerable.
Helpless and undone, I clung to my false denial.
“No. No, you didn’t. I’m fine. Really. You don’t have say these things to me. It’s unnecessary.”
Gavin stroked my cheek, his eyes soft and tender.
“Why do you keep denying it, Paige? Don’t you think I care?”
“You can’t care.”
“Why not?”
“Because you don’t know me. That’s why!”
I took a step back and immediately grieved the loss of his touch. I had to stay strong. We hadn’t even lasted a day and look at where we were—at each other’s throats…yeah.
There was no way a relationship between Gavin and I could ever work.
Our personalities were too different. He was curt and withdrawn on most days and I was…what was I?
One of the worst four letter words to describe yourself. Fake.
But he’s not being curt now. He’s being wonderfully sweet. Caring. Selfless.
Yes. Now. But what about later?
This is why you don’t get involved in real relationships.
“I do know you, Paige. That’s why I know I hurt you badly for you to be this way.” He clenched his jaw once, but his
voice remained soft. “I don’t like it. I don’t like I made such a sweet girl act this way, to lash out in a way that’s so out of character for her.”
“You don’t know my character, Gavin,” I warned. “Working here for a couple of weeks doesn’t mean you know me.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” Gavin shrugged. “I trust my gut, Paige. My gut tells me you’re in so much pain and that I’m the one who brought it to you.”
I was outside of myself. I didn’t know what my lines were. The only thing that come out was truth.
“No. You didn’t.”
It wasn’t you. Honest.
Gavin continued as if I didn’t deny it. “Hurting you, thinking only of my needs and my wants, all of it makes me feel like I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry.”
Oh God. Gavin had to stop or he was going to kill me with kindness.
“Don’t say that. Not to me.”
“I have to. I’m sorry, love. Really I am. You are not someone I ever want to hurt. You deserve to be treasured. Never doubt it.”
There went that pet name again. Love.
What kind of mind fuck was this?
TWENTY
“I mean it, Paige. Honestly.”
Gavin’s eyes were like honey. I saw nothing but kindness and sorrow in their beautiful depths.
No mockery.
No deception.
No triumph.
Just sincerity.
Oh my God. What have I done?
All the aggression finally drained out of me. My headache ramped up, pounding behind my eyes and temples. As I predicted earlier, shame hit me like a sledgehammer.
I couldn’t believe the things I’d said to Gavin. The last minutes replayed in my mind, ended, and looped back over again.
And again.
Every nasty word echoed, morphing and becoming a tool to illuminate my corrupted personality.
I had to make it right, if there was even a possibility for me to do so.
Babbling, I abruptly cried out, “I’m so sorry for everything! I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I was wrong to be so hateful. I’m so sorry.”
Gavin took my hand in his. He walked us to the conference table and sat on the edge, keeping me between his legs.
“There’s nothing for you to apologize about. You were standing up for yourself, Paige. I would’ve done the same thing in your place. I was wrong to accuse you of trying to get over on me. I should’ve never even thought it. I shouldn’t have backed you into a corner.”
Remembering the disappointment in his eyes, I rushed to clear my name.
“I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you think that way. It wasn’t my intention. Honestly.”
“It was nothing you did. I was…” Gavin’s voice died out. His thumb ran across my fingers, back and forth. I could tell he was nervous. “I was being an ass because I didn’t like you getting angry with me and because I was…insecure…that maybe you didn’t feel the same way I did.”
The pieces clicked but the overall picture didn’t make sense.
“You were testing me?”
A slight flush darkened his gorgeous cheekbones. “As much as I don’t want to admit it but yeah. I was. I don’t know. I just…look, I’m not exactly good with people. I never have been. That’s why I fucked today up so badly.”
“You didn’t—”
“Ssh. Let me finish or this is going to eat me up inside, Paige.” Gavin waited until I reluctantly nodded. “I don’t mean to hurt people, not usually anyways. My initial intent today wasn’t to push you away on purpose but looking back I see that I did.”
I wasn’t in any position to ask him questions. His reasons for doing it were his own. His apology was enough and far more than I ever expected.
“It’s okay.”
Gavin groaned. He leaned forward and bumped his head against mine.
“I’m trying so hard to make this right and you’re being such a saint about it. Don’t you want to throw something at me or slap me or something?”
“No,” I whispered, horrified at the thought of knowing that just a few minutes ago I actually did. “I’d never want to hurt you on purpose. Not in my right mind anyways.”
“Even though I try your patience.”
His attempt at levity only brought me further sadness.
“Nothing you could ever say would excuse my behavior if I did something like that to you. I’m sorry. I…”
My voice trailed off. I wanted to tell him I attacked him first because I was scared the sweetness of last night had been a lie.
As if I had the right to judge anyone for being untruthful.
How will I ever be what he deserves me to be? I’m not capable of it because I’m such an emotional swamp.
“Paige, what is happening here? Two weeks ago I didn’t even know you existed. Now I can’t wait to come to work just to see you. You’ve become so special to me and I don’t want that to change.”
His words were like nectar to my starved soul. I craved more even though I didn’t understand it.
“Why? When we’re not talking all we’ve done is fight. There hasn’t been a chance for anything…I don’t know…good?”
“You’re breaking my heart, Paige. I’d say meeting you has been better than good.” He smirked, a look at odds with his usual demeanor. “And as for the rest of what you said—maybe I like the fight. Or maybe I like how you’re not afraid to tell me like it is.”
I closed my eyes. Afraid was all I knew.
“Gavin, it’s important that you learn something.”
“Yes?” He sounded amused, as if I was about to share an adorable secret.
“I’m not as good a person as you think I am.”
His voice dropped to a husky whisper. “You’re too hard on yourself.”
You don’t know the half of it.
I grabbed my bent wrist, unable to stop myself from reverting back to childhood habit that betrayed my distress.
“Gavin, I’m afraid you’ve built me up to be something I’m not.”
“I doubt that.”
No. Really.
“I don’t know if I should tell you this, but I didn’t mean to fall for you. It wasn’t my intention. I’m not the kind of girl who dates her…”
Stepbrother.
There it was. One word loaded with all its ugly connotations. I couldn’t pretend anymore that my actions were in the gray. I was full on black.
“Paige?”
“Sorry. Ah, where was I? I mean, I’m not the kind of girl who dates her boss. I want you to know that and believe me.”
“I know, Paige. I believe you.”
Gavin pulled back and cupped my face. His eyes darkened into cat’s eye green. I couldn’t look away. Suddenly, my heart thudded in anticipation and longing. I yearned to arch closer, to press my lips against his and see if they were as soft as I imagined.
“You believe me? Even after all this?”
“Of course, I do. You’re so sweet and kind and capable and brave and I…I just want to be with you all the time. I’ve gotten selfish, Paige. I don’t want to consume you.”
“Maybe I won’t mind.”
“You don’t know what you’re risking. I could see myself getting attached to you. I know this is moving so fast and maybe I’m wrong in feeling this way—”
Giddy, I reveled in his confidences. “No! I understand because I feel that way too.”
His gaze zeroed in on my lips. A heavy sigh shuddered through his body.
“Did I wreck things beyond repair, Paige?”
I shook my head. “I’m the one who should be asking you that.”
Gavin brushed his thumb against my earlobe. My legs trembled.
“No, you shouldn’t because I took some of my frustration out on you. I’m sorry. It wasn’t right.”
“It’s okay. Really.”
His apologies were beautiful, but they made me feel strange. Undeserving even. I’d rather he didn’t say them at all.
�
��I made a mess of things. Not only was I unconsciously testing you, I was also consciously trying to save your honor. Clumsy as that turned out to be.”
He what?
“I don’t understand.”
Gavin clenched his jaw. “Someone saw us last night. At dinner. Someone from work.”
“Who?”
“It doesn’t really matter. I was just trying to head off any kind of gossip.”
Everything clicked and this time the picture made sense.
“You were being mean to protect me.”
He rolled his eyes, clearly chagrined. “You could say that. I was a colossal failure but my intentions were in the right place. Truly.”
“So all the snapping and accusing me of messing up was to make it look like there wasn’t anything romantic last night?”
“In a word—yes. I settled on things that I felt were true but…I was frustrated and…well, there you go.”
“Oh. My. God.” I thumped him on the chest. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because your reaction wouldn’t be authentic.”
Shows what you know.
“You got authentic.”
“And then some. Now answer something for me. You were so quick to once again to try to leave me behind. Why?”
“I didn’t…I just…” God, this was hard. “I’m not trying to cut out on you, Gavin. It’s just that I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
“Is that all? Or did things too close last night? Was it Marlene? Tell me.”
"No, it wasn’t Marlene.”
“No jealousy there? Really?”
“You sound disappointed.”
“Maybe a little. I kid! Mostly. So what was it?”
Everything would be easier if we could just tease each other and laugh.
“I didn't plan on pushing you away, Gavin. I guess your anger just made it easier for me.” My palms dampened. “You were right. I was hurt. I lashed out because of it.”
“I’m sorry.” He was silent for a moment before saying, “I'm not trying to be a pig, but I'm not used to women pushing me way. They’re usually fixated on getting me to stay”
“Oh yeah? I wonder why that would be?” I asked with wide-eyed innocence. “I mean you're so tall and handsome. You even own your own company.”
Gavin tapped the tip of my nose. “And don’t forget I'm a multimillionaire.”
