ME : You are my self-love. You have always been there, but I haven’t acknowledged your presence. I will always debate with you and Rose, and I know now that I won’t falter if I listen to you. The real tragedy in life happens when one starts living a life of death. Now is the time to turn the tragedy into triumph and live life with willfulness and enthusiasm. I will live my life with you.
Even as I finished the debate with Rose and Thorns, I knew that we would have another one soon. But for now, my head was clear and my mind knew that it would always be protected and loved by Thorns. Like Thorns said, better late than never, and this awakening was finally making me see things in a different perspective.
As dawn was approaching, I was actually experiencing the warmth and light of a new and improved me. I had listened to Rose for thirty years; now it was time to listen to Thorns.
Then came two more voices. One was Papa, saying ‘I am always with you!’ And at that exact moment, Uncle came into my room and said the same thing. It was an amazing and beautiful moment.
My Godfather, Dr Chugh, was back in town. He prescribed new medication, which would enable me to lead a newer, better life.
The garden had a rose, and on it a thorn,
Peace was prickly, and the beauty of the flower adorned,
He was there, he was in my heart,
I let him go now as I knew he would come back,
Snow and Sun come out together sometimes,
The wildness of the night might have stars that shine
What of this madness I always knew
Just curb it for now just let it dew,
Time has come to sit on the grass
We may get wet, but there will be no task
To complete one’s journey is to never wear a mask
I am complete, I am no longer in the dark…
Chapter 23
LIFE IS BEAUTIFULLY BORDERLINE
Borderline & Beautiful, that’s what we are,
We learn we cry but in the end we can win the fight,
The mayhem can stop to grow,
The acceptance can become a wonderful new shore.
I had grown a lot in the past six months.
Pink and I met, we talked and we made love, and I chose to end that relationship and move on. Pink smiled at me and said, ‘I will always be there . . .’ And I knew he would: As a friend, and as my most stable past. There were bad days, when emptiness crept in; I learned to curb it and diffuse the darkness. The light had set in, and I knew what was needed to be done.
I realised that more than therapy and medicine, we Borderlines need to love ourselves—that is the only cure. Contentment comes from within; it begins in the mind and ends in the mind.
I continued with my blogs and my desire to get better. It was a constant struggle, but it was worth it.
In layman’s language, if I were to define Borderline Personality Disorder, it would be like a child struggling to get something that it already has but does not know it.
The symptoms, mood swings, relationship troubles, the impulsivity, substance abuse, the vacuum and the anxiety, even anger, can be controlled, but with help and intervention. In my case, I battle with them every day with acceptance. I remind myself that I am a beautiful person. I have gained weight because of the medicines, but I am still beautiful. We Borderlines have positive attributes, too. We are deeply loving and caring, strong, benevolent, intelligent, and giving.
Life, if seen from a different perspective, is beautiful. People suffering from Borderline Disorders live quite on the edge, but it is a matter of time until they realise that life can be beautiful for them as well. There is no such thing as ‘normal’. We all have our own unique peculiarities.
My relationship with Mamma and Uncle has improved a lot, and I am grateful for that. My illness may have rubbed off on them, but I did my best to heal myself.
I finally set a goal for myself: I wanted to become a writer, so I started writing a blog, and this book. And slowly, I started diminishing the dangerous patterns of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Oh look my bird, there is a fountain
A hint of dawn shines from behind the mountain
The sweet smell of roses, the wisdom of Moses,
The succulent taste of berries, doesn’t all that make you merry?
How late am I my God I tried, for many years my eyes were shut,
In this dream, I was covered in rust,
When I rose from this deep slumber,
I found happiness even in scary thunder,
This wonderful world astounds me still,
Each day I wake up with so much thrill,
Now I know why my whole is happy,
It is because I live in the hour,
Contentment, an understanding a divine devour,
This devour searched far and wide, to be complete,
It was a helpless Child,
The Child grew up and learned to swim,
She wasn’t a slave to her gory whims,
Now I wonder will this last,
The answer was simple trust your heart,
To worry about such things is a waste of time,
Just remember to live just continue to Rhyme.
Amrita Srivastava
***
Borderline Page 18
