by Leigh Bale
Sean entered the room and shut the door behind him. Reclining back in his seat, Jared indicated a hard-backed chair in front of his desk.
Reaching out, Sean handed over his incident report then sat and crossed his legs. “That’s right. They’ll release him from the hospital in a few days. But I don’t think he’ll be back on the fireline this season. It’ll take him months to heal enough for active duty again.”
Jared slapped the report on his desk but didn’t flip through the pages. Sean knew the man would review it in detail once he left.
“I’m just glad he’s going to recover. Can you hold his position open? Or do we need to replace him before next summer?” Jared asked.
“I’ll be down three men for the rest of this season, but we can hold it open for now. Pete insists he wants to come back as soon as he’s strong enough. I’ve assured him his position will be here when he’s ready.” Sean still couldn’t believe Pete was willing to come back after what had happened. But no one had died, thankfully.
“Good.” Jared nodded. “I understand you handled the situation with precision. You saved Pete’s life.”
Sean didn’t see it that way. “I just did my job.”
Jared snorted. “And pretty well, from what I’ve heard. Even Tessa said you saved Pete.”
Sean hesitated, stunned by this news. “She actually said that?”
“Yeah, in those exact words. We talked for a few minutes.”
“About what?” He had to know.
Jared arched one brow then filled him in on Tessa’s request to be transferred to another hotshot crew.
Something cold gripped Sean’s heart. He wanted her off the fireline so she would be safe, but if she transferred to a different crew, he wouldn’t be able to keep his promise to Zach. He wouldn’t be able to keep her safe. And that thought terrified him.
“You should tell her the truth, Sean,” Jared said.
“And what’s the truth?”
“That it was Zach’s fault he died. He chose to run the other way. You couldn’t stop him. It wasn’t your fault. You did the right thing by fighting for your life,” Jared said.
Sean didn’t agree, but he knew he couldn’t go on feeling this guilt and pain indefinitely. It was destroying him, eating him up inside. At some point he’d have to make a change. He just wasn’t certain how to go about it. Maybe Tessa was right. Maybe he should try handing his burdens over to God.
“Are you still meeting regularly with your psychiatrist?” Jared asked.
“No, I finished my protocol.” Sean had worked hard with a doctor to overcome his survivor’s guilt but had never succeeded. He had gone through the motions and completed the program before Jared had agreed to let him back on the fireline. Thinking it a weakness, Sean had done his best to hide his PTSD symptoms. But they were still there. He didn’t want to make a big deal about it. He just needed to get his fears under control. Surely his PTSD would go away in time. He didn’t need anyone’s help. Did he?
“You might consider a refresher course, just to keep yourself on an even keel. Your psychological well-being is as important as your physical health,” Jared said.
“I’ll think about it.” But even as he said the words, Sean knew he wouldn’t go back to the shrink. Talking about his problems with a strange doctor only made things worse. He wanted to forget what had happened, not rehash the horror again and again by talking about it.
“Well, good work. I’m pleased with how this recent fire turned out in spite of Pete getting hurt,” Jared said.
“You and me both.”
Jared leaned forward and met his eyes. “Now, what are you going to do about Tessa?”
Love her. Keep her safe. Until his dying breath.
“We won’t have any problems. I’ll make sure of that. We’ll make it work,” Sean said.
Jared sat back and released a deep breath. “Try to be as gentle with her as you can, but I don’t want anything to compromise the well-being of the crew. If push comes to shove, I’m prepared to make a change. I can’t just move her to another hotshot crew. I can give her a good reference, but she’d have to apply once an opening becomes available and the superintendent of that crew would have to agree to take her on.”
Sean hesitated, knowing what this meant. If Tessa couldn’t make her job here in Minoa work, she might not be able to get on another crew even if Jared pulled some strings. Sean didn’t want Tessa to lose her job. “I understand. But I’m confident it will be okay.”
“Good,” Jared said.
As Jared addressed several other work issues, Sean forced himself to focus. To take notes and provide feedback. But when he left, he couldn’t remember a word he’d said to Jared. His chest felt heavy as though a dark storm cloud had settled there.
For Tessa’s benefit, he had to make their relationship on the hotshot team work. No matter what, he was determined to get along with her. He had to keep his promise to Zach. But that didn’t mean he knew how to resolve this conflict between them. He thought again about giving the Lord a second chance. He’d try almost anything if it would ease the ache in his heart, but he sure didn’t believe that prayer was the answer.
Chapter Eleven
The roar of chain saws filled Tessa’s ears. Standing on the east side of the Sierra Nevadas, she gazed out at the rugged mountains covered with lush green alpine meadows and thick stands of pine trees. If her team didn’t get the fireline built soon, all of this natural beauty would be consumed within a matter of hours.
It had been only a week since she’d asked the FMO to transfer her to another hotshot crew, yet it seemed more like years. Now another fire burned nearby, its warmth almost unbearable. The wind blew toward the team, pushing thick clouds of smoke in their direction. A whoosh of sound jerked Tessa around as a large, rotting log burst into flames like a lighted matchstick. The sudden heat blasted her face and she turned away from its intensity, closing her eyes.
Harlie yelled. He and Dean attacked the burning log, breaking up the fuel and shoveling dirt over it to snuff out the flames.
“Bump!” Sean called from nearby.
The order was passed down the row of crew members. Without question, the first man at the head of the line fell back while the rest of the crew adjusted their position forward. Taking turns in this process helped keep the lead person on the line from getting overly exhausted.
Sean stood a stone’s throw away, a scowl pulling his brows together as he studied the fireline.
“Can you hear the river below us?” Tessa asked him, speaking over the jangling whine of saws.
He tilted his head in a quizzical frown. “No, it’s not a river.”
Well, it sounded like a river to her. Like the great rushing of a waterfall. But that couldn’t be. She’d seen the waterway etched clearly on the map that the crew had studied before they began their work at two o’clock that morning. Surely they hadn’t traveled that far north yet.
She caught the brief squawk of static. Looking up, she saw Sean speaking into the radio, his face stoic. He nodded, his lips moving as he replied in the affirmative. Something must be wrong.
“Stop work now! Move into that rocky clearing, pronto!” he bellowed to the crew and pointed to their right.
The safety zone!
Tessa and the rest of the crew didn’t need to be told twice. Packing their hand tools with them, they all hustled across the clearing. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw Sean shepherding the team up the hill. He was the last man to make it to the safety zone, and it struck her that he was ensuring every member of the team arrived safely. As they all huddled among the boulders and blackened trees previously burned by the fire, Tessa realized it would be so easy for someone to fall behind and get lost in all the smoke.
Sean crouched close beside her. No doubt dispatch, or their l
ookout, had warned him of some impending danger. In spite of her desire to get away from him, she took comfort from his presence. With him near, she felt safe.
She studied the thick carpet of dried pine needles and half-burned trees covering the area. It’d be so easy for the wind to change direction and push the fire right over top of them in a reburn. They were secure for now, but that could change in a moment.
The growl of the river increased and Tessa realized her error. It wasn’t a river at all, but a firestorm raging across the forest below them. The crashing and crackling increased to a fierce crescendo as the fire boiled up and consumed everything in its path. Choking billows of smoke filled the air, and she covered her nose and mouth. Soon the fire reached the area where the crew had been working just minutes earlier. In spite of the brutal heat, Tessa shivered, grateful that Sean had moved the team out of harm’s way.
Blinking her dry eyes, she looked at him. He was crouched low, his long legs crammed against the rocks. He’d gotten them out of danger, but something in his eyes seemed so chilling. A mixture of anxiety and fear. Even though they were no longer running, his breathing was shallow. Like the day when Pete had been hurt. His eyes were wide as he stared at the fire with dread. Something was off-kilter. The other men were too far away to notice, but she did. And she wondered again if he was suffering from PTSD.
“Sean, are you okay?” she asked, knowing there was no way the other men could overhear her above the roar of the fire.
He glanced at her and blinked his eyes as if coming back to the present. A trace of hesitancy flickered over his face. Then his jaw hardened and he looked away. “I’m fine. We’ll all be fine.”
What kind of answer was that? Something was definitely wrong. She’d never seen him like this before. He wasn’t himself. In fact, she didn’t recognize this man.
She leaned closer. “You don’t need to worry about the team. We’re all well trained and know how to take orders. Everything is going to be all right.”
She wondered why she was reassuring him. After all, she wanted nothing to do with this man anymore. But an instinctive knowledge took hold of her. Something she couldn’t deny. In her heart, she knew it was the right thing to do. Her intuition told her that he was in trouble. And no matter how badly he’d hurt her, he had once meant everything to her. She couldn’t turn her back on him, not if he needed her help.
“It’s going to be okay,” she said.
He inhaled a shuddering breath, speaking softly, as if to himself. “If he had just stayed with me, he would have been okay.”
She tensed. Had she heard him right? “What did you say?”
He shook his head and took a cleansing breath as if forcing himself to relax. “Nothing. Never mind.”
No, surely she had heard him correctly. And he must be talking about Zach. His words were revealing, but what did they mean? She knew that her brother’s body had been found down by Gosser’s Creek, but Sean had taken refuge in a previously burned area where he had deployed his fire shelter. The two men had obviously gotten separated. But was that because Sean had abandoned Zach? Or was it because Zach couldn’t or wouldn’t stay with Sean? And why? What had happened?
She scooted nearer, sitting no more than a hand’s breadth away from him, grateful for the sounds of the burnover to mask their conversation. “Sean, we used to confide in one another. Do you want to talk about it? Maybe I can help.”
His eyes widened with surprise. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to speak but then shook his head as though he’d changed his mind. “No, it’s all right. You can’t help me. No one can.”
His words pinched her heart, confirming her fear that he was struggling right now. But she had no idea what to do. “The Lord can help. He’s always there for each one of us, and He will never betray a confidence. But sometimes He waits for us to seek Him out.”
Sean’s eyes narrowed with anger. “God didn’t answer my prayers the day Zach died. I doubt He’d answer them now.”
He swiveled around, showing her his back, cutting off further conversation. She gaped at him in astonishment, catching a glimpse of what it must have been like for him when he lost Zach. She remembered her conversation with Jared and a thought occurred to her. What if Sean had pushed her away not because of anything he had done, but because of what he could not do? He couldn’t save her brother, but he had saved himself. And maybe that was the crux of the problem. Maybe he felt guilty for living, for surviving, when Zach had perished. For whatever reason, Zach had not stayed with him. He hadn’t made it to the safety zone. Which wouldn’t have been Sean’s fault. Or was it?
Long minutes passed. The wind picked up and a rush of hot air blasted Tessa. She took a deep inhale against her shirtsleeve, shielding her lungs from the burning fumes. Waves of ash and glowing embers floated over top of the crew. She watched as Harlie pulled a granola bar out of his web belt and chewed furiously. Tessa knew eating at a time like this was a release of nervous energy.
An hour later Sean’s radio crackled with static. He talked to home base for a few moments then called the team back to work.
“The fire has passed us by. Line out, but stay vigilant,” he said.
Tessa stood on wobbly legs, her back stiff, her feet rolling against loose gravel and rocks. Someone grabbed her arm to steady her and she looked up into Sean’s eyes.
“I’d hate to have you ride out a burnover only to tumble down this mountainside,” he said, his mouth curved in a half smile.
She froze, gazing up at him. Trying to see the truth in his eyes. His doubt and anguish appeared to be gone, replaced by the confident man she’d known for so long. He seemed his regular self again with no signs of PTSD.
“Thanks.” Her voice sounded vague and she watched as he turned and stepped away.
She followed him back to the fireline they’d been building among the heavy stand of timber. Overhead she caught the low murmur of a plane. Simultaneously, the crew members turned their faces skyward as a big Sikorsky helicopter roared above them. The chopper’s hammering staccato seemed to vibrate through Tessa’s bones.
The chopper lowered over the sway of giant pine trees, zipping straight toward the hotshot crew. Tessa had seen this layout many times but never up this close and personal.
“Oh, no. Tell me he’s not gonna dump that retardant on top of us,” Tank said with disbelief.
“Look out! We’re about to get drenched,” Sean yelled the warning.
Poof!
A long, red cloud of fire retardant streamed from the underbelly of the aircraft, bearing down on Tessa. She stared in horror. Her mouth dropped open and she felt as though her feet were nailed to the ground. Unable to move. Like the big chopper was about to gobble her up.
“Tessa, get down!”
She found herself knocked back beneath the cover of tree limbs. A heavy weight rested over the top of her, shielding her from the shower of fire retardant. She lay with her face pressed into the dirt, the caustic scent of ammonia burning her nostrils. After a moment, the heavy weight lifted off her and she pushed herself up, staring at Sean. She felt dazed and shocked, trying to shake it off. Confused by her own failure to act, she blinked at him.
“What were you doing?” He spoke in a deep voice roughened by emotion.
She felt locked there. Suspended in time. A shiver swept down her spine, but she couldn’t turn her face away. In that brief moment, she remembered each and every time this man had touched her.
“I... I didn’t think,” she murmured, wondering what was wrong with her. She’d never frozen up like that before. For just a few critical moments she’d panicked and felt stapled in place. Unable to think. Unable to move.
The noxious retardant was a mixed blessing. It snuffed out burning embers and decelerated the fire, but it had also coated the crew members in red, slimy muck.
Everyone except her. Thanks to Sean. Once again he’d come to her aid. Always there. Always keeping her safe.
He held out a hand to help her regain her feet but she ignored it, standing on her own. “You don’t need to do that.”
“Do what?” he asked.
“Protect me all the time.”
“Why didn’t you duck?” he asked.
“I was so surprised, I didn’t think to react fast enough.”
“You know you can’t lose your nerve like that on the fireline. You have to act fast,” he said.
Yes, she knew. But she’d just learned that saying it and doing it were two different things.
“I wish you wouldn’t show me any preferential treatment.” She spoke in a low tone so the other men wouldn’t hear.
“What do you mean?” Sean asked.
“I can do my job just fine.”
“I know that. I didn’t do anything for you that I wouldn’t have done for one of the men.” His jaw looked hard as granite.
“Is that right? You would have tackled Tank and knocked him out of the way?” she challenged.
His jaw tightened. “Yes, if necessary.”
He stepped back, looking embarrassed and confused.
A barrage of laughter sounded behind her as the men swiped at their saturated clothes. Tessa decided that if it was a choice between burning to death or being covered by fire retardant, she’d take the Sikorsky every time. But losing it the way she’d done had confused her. She’d never fallen apart like that and pondered how it might feel to face a wall of flame with no escape route at her back.
Was that how it had been for Zach and Sean? Nowhere to go. No way to flee. She couldn’t imagine Sean freezing up like she had done, but what about Zach? Jared had mentioned it, as well. Was that why her brother hadn’t been found with Sean? Had he panicked?
Taking advantage of the retardant, the crew members attacked the spot fires. They laughed and joked as they worked.
“Tessa’s the only member of the crew who didn’t get covered in slimy muck,” Ace said in a jovial tone. “She shouldn’t need to clean up much when we get off the fireline.”
