by Sansa Rayne
“You’re welcome,” I say, nodding. “Be well,” I add before leaving.
I don’t exhale until I’m outside the prison gate, and I don’t feel right until I’m back home, showering to wash the day away.
—
The following night, Pierce and I meet Steph at the Blood Moon Lounge.
I have a little surprise, she texts me beforehand.
Oh yeah?
You’ll see.
When Pierce and I arrive, Steph isn’t alone; she sits at the bar with a man, giggling into a Cosmopolitan as he whispers into her ear. She nearly tips her glass over when she sees us, hopping off her stool.
“Hey!” she shouts, getting our attention. “Sibel, Pierce! This is Wesley.”
Handsome, with a friendly smile and a firm handshake, he introduces himself to us; it’s hard to say for sure, but I get the sense he has no idea who we are. His shaggy, brown hair and soft skin give him a boyish look — almost innocent, despite the strikingly slick black suit he wears.
“We met interviewing at Bancroft & Keller,” Steph explains, blushing. “I got the job… he didn’t.”
Wesley grins. “I’m not complaining.” He looks to me, doing an admirable job of not peering down my dress. “Steph says you two have been friends since high school.”
I nod. “That’s right.”
“Cool. Are you a lawyer too?”
Pierce laughs. “You don’t spend a lot of time on the Internet, do you?”
“Not really,” Wesley agrees. “Why?”
Pierce kisses my cheek and pats my bottom. “I’ll be right back,” he says.
I look to Steph. “Should I tell him what I do, or…?”
She turns to her new boyfriend. “So, in short, Sibel here is an artist…”
I listen as Steph goes into the story as succinctly as she can, not wanting to scare Wesley off, or hedge the truth. He nods politely, trying to play it cool, pretending he’s not wondering, What did I just walk into? By the time Steph gets to “Milgram,” I nearly stop her — but then Pierce returns, popping the cork on a champagne bottle.
“We’re here to celebrate Steph tonight,” he says. “I thought a toast was in order.”
I grin at him and hand the fizzing glasses to Steph and Wesley. “To passing the bar,” I say to her as we all raise our drinks. “Stephanie Lipman, attorney-at-law.”
The four of us raise our glasses together and drink, inhaling the crisp effervescence.
“Thank you,” she says. “Your support has meant a lot, Sibel.”
I set my hand over my heart. “I couldn’t ask for a better friend. You’ve been there for me through the worst, with unceasing dedication. I know you’ll do the same in your work, and it’s going to make you an amazing lawyer.”
“Yeah,” Pierce adds. “The people of New York will be lucky to have you on their side.”
“Thanks, guys, really.”
The four of us drink the entire bottle and hit the dance floor. When we get tired, we return to the bar and get another bottle. The night becomes a blur of laughs, wine and music. By the end of the night, Pierce and Wesley have to help Steph stumble home, while I trail along. We spend the whole cab ride singing hits from the nineties, and don’t stop as we ascend the stairs of her building.
At her front door, we hug, and Steph gets a little weepy.
“Don’t go to jail again, okay, Sibel?”
I nod, buzzed enough to find it funny, but sober enough to know she’s being serious. “I won’t,” I say, hoping her memory will be fuzzy tomorrow. It’s a pledge I’d like to keep, but one I’m prepared to break. “Get some rest, okay?”
“Gimme a hand?”
Pierce waits outside while Wesley and I help Steph out of her dress and into bed. I say goodnight, telling Wesley it was a pleasure meeting him, and then head out. I’ve got a little shakiness in my gait too, and I’m eager to go. Pierce helps keep me steady until we get back to our cab, whose meter is still running.
We ride back to my place, which is closer than Pierce’s, and finally we collapse on my bed — me in my lavender dress, Pierce in his dark gray suit.
“Have fun tonight?” he asks me, loosening his teal, striped tie.
“Definitely. I haven’t seen Steph get that sloshed since we were undergraduates.”
Pierce laughs, rolling onto his side. He leans in and kisses my cheek. “She’s earned it.”
I nod. “Yeah. And Wesley seems really cool.”
“He does,” Pierce agrees. He unbuttons his shirt, and I smile at the sight of his hard, broad chest. I slip off the straps of my dress and pull it down as far as I can without getting up.
“Here, let me help,” Pierce says without warning, yanking it off the rest of the way. I whoop and flip over, spiraling into the covers.
“What, are you shy all of a sudden?” he laughs, extricating me from the blanket.
I relax, lying back, surrounded by his warmth and love. He unbuckles his belt and lets his pants hit the floor, then strips off his socks. Climbing into bed, he gets on top of me and kisses my forehead.
“I’ve got an idea for my next performance. I’ve got a few things to say about prison.”
“Yeah?” he replies, though his voice sounds a bit distant. “I’ll be happy to help with it if I can. But…”
“No, no,” I cut in. “It’ll be in a gallery, don’t worry. Though it’s definitely going to be controversial.”
He laughs and brushes back my hair. “I’m up for anything. You know that. As long as it’s with you.”
“Yeah,” I say, thinking back to the mannequins he bought, arranged and photographed, just for me. “I do.”
He smiles, though it contains a note of sadness. “Sibel… when you told Steph you wouldn’t go back to prison, I hope you meant it.”
I shut my eyes and shake my head. “I won’t say it’ll never happen again, but I hope not. I’ll try to keep my art legal, as much as I can. The last thing I want is to be without you.”
Pierce nods. “If you were gone, I’d hate every second of it, but I’d understand. You have to express what’s in your heart — to be yourself, whoever that is.”
Ahh, shit.
I don’t want to start crying, but I can’t help it. “Hearing you say that means the world to me.”
“And you’re my whole world, Sibel,” he says, taking my hand in his. He rubs the base of my ring finger. “I want you to be mine, always.”
I rise up and kiss him, tasting the champagne on his lips. “I am. I will be. Always.”
—
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Notes from the Asylum
Hello, welcome back to the Asylum! I hope you liked “Let Me Watch” — and Sibel too. She may be my favorite character that I’ve ever written. I’m not saying I want to watch myself during sex (no no nooooooo) or have ever worked in the sex industry — but I like some weird things, and I’ve made mistakes. I don’t think I’m especially unique in this regard — most of us have quirks and regrets. But Sibel’s definitely unique.
I got the inspiration for her fetish in my continuous research into bizarre sexual desires, which are a bit of a fascination for me. I want to keep writing about characters with unusual — even dangerous — proclivities. I’ve had the idea for a two-part book series, “Reckless” and “Disciplined” for some time now. I do hope to get to this story soon, but it won’t be my next one. More on that in a bit.
As it happens, “Let Me Watch” was originally going to be two books, with the second being called “Let Me Go.” But the idea evolved, and it soon became clear that this was just one book. That
’s probably for the best, since it was pretty different from my last books. It wasn’t the same kind of thriller story as “Erased” or “Exalted.” This presented certain challenges. Believe it or not, when I was about one third of the way through the book, I nearly gave up. I was having trouble making progress.
I wasn’t sure what the problem was — “Exalted” was a huge effort, so maybe I started my next book without taking enough time to unwind a bit? I am known for my writing hangovers. Maybe because of the holidays in November and December I’d started and stopped too often to build up a rhythm? I do work best when I have momentum from several weeks of writing without major interrupts. I wasn’t sure what the problem really was. In the height of my frustration, I needed to escape to something else for a while.
So that’s what I did. As some of you may know, I recently started a new pen name, Stella Rising. Putting “Let Me Watch” on hold, I wrote a fun, sexy sci-fi book that was a huge change of pace from my dark romances. I loved it. I intend to write more novels under that name. Don’t worry, I’m not stopping writing dark romances though.
Once I finished it, I decided to try and start “Let Me Watch” again to see if I can make it work. I had 30,000 words already written — that’s a lot to let go to waste! For two days I struggled, barely able to get through a few hundred words. But then something popped, and I found my drive, and started writing chapter after chapter. In less than a month, I finished the rest of the book.
Credit goes to my Squad pals, with whom I’ll sometimes do writing sprints. That’s 20-30 minutes of writing — no distractions, no slacking. At the end of the sprint, we report how many words we wrote. It’s a great way of staying accountable, and forcing yourself to be productive. So that I think is what helped push me back into a groove.
It kinda sucked, even contemplating giving up on a book. I’ve done it before, though not when I was so far into it. But I’m happy to have had this challenge — it gave me a chance to grow a little as a writer. Next time I’m struggling, I’ll remember this.
As for what’s next? Besides another book as Stella Rising or two, I’ve got an idea that I’ve been freaking out about for more than a month. It came, initially, from a really weird dream I had. The tentative title of the book is “Nemesis” and I can’t wait to write it. I’ve already thought a lot about the characters, the twists and the absolutely crazy plot. There’s still a bunch of details to work out, but I am excited for this one, for sure.
After that, I do eventually want to tackle my “Reckless/Disciplined” duet — and another book in the same world as “Erased” and “Exalted.” I have some thoughts on what that would entail.
Okay, that’s about all for now. Thank you for reading, everyone! I couldn’t do what I do without you. If you enjoyed “Let Me Watch,” leaving a review is always a huge help to us indie authors, even if it’s just a couple lines.
For more news about what I’m working on, feel free to sign up for my newsletter here. I also love to hear from readers! E-mail me at [email protected] or contact me on my Facebook page!
Sincerely,
Sansa
Ready for more? Read Sansa's breakout smash, “Erased”
If you enjoyed “Let Me Watch,” check out “Erased: A Dark Romantic Thriller” — now available electronically and in print! Read the thrilling romance of Marla and Gabriel after she’s kidnapped and he’ll do anything to help her survive.
“Resist or obey. Those are my choices.”
MARLA
Alone at a bar, recently fired from my job and about to move across the country, no one will notice that I’ve gone missing, and my abductors know it. Smuggled to a secluded facility in the mountains, locked in a cell and stripped of my dignity, they’ve threatened me with a fate worse than death. They aim to break my will. They plan to erase me.
My captors are vicious monsters, except for one: the doctor, Gabriel. He urges me to accept their control and spare myself months, or even years, of pain and torment. Yet his merciful demeanor hides a dark, burning secret. Smoldering and mysterious, I’m drawn to him and his talk of submission. He may be my best shot at escape, but I hunger for far more.
With Gabriel’s help, the others will pay for what they’ve done to me. They wanted a toy, but they’ve woken a terror…
GABRIEL
If I’d known the truth about Halloran Asylum, I would have burned it to the ground long ago. Now I’m an accessory to unspeakable crimes, and no one will ever believe my story. For years I made peace with fate, but after a violent episode pushes me to the edge, I swore never to let them harm anyone else. Now they’ve taken another, and I can’t let it go.
I need to make Marla understand her strength and resolve will only cause her greater suffering. At first, training her is just a way of buying time, but her response to my touch, my command, drives me wild. I have to have her, but standing in my way is a horrid truth that could cost me her trust. If that happens, we’ll both be lost, trapped in this place forever.
I don’t care. I’ll risk everything for Marla, even if it means letting out the beast within…
Ready for an epic romance? Read Sansa's tour-de-force, “Exalted”
Sansa Rayne’s epic dark romance novel “Exalted: A Dark Romantic Thriller” is now available!
I have a new shepherd now.
I didn’t choose to fall for Aldous Occestem. The most hated man in Coventry, he antagonizes the town’s beloved megachurch at every opportunity; he operates a notorious, satanic-themed BDSM club; and now he’s a suspect in the abduction of my friend, as well as several other missing women. He should repulse me, but I can’t resist the way he makes me feel.
He leads me into temptation.
Handsome, dominant and sadistic, he ignites my intense hunger for submission. He doesn’t know I’m a private detective, investigating the case on my own. Our relationship started as a cover, but now I’m addicted to his world of carnal sin. Even if he’s not the kidnapper, his one-man war with the powerful Pastor Jones is a powder keg ready to explode, and I’ll be the one caught in the crossfire.
I fear no evil, for he is with me.
I should get out while I still can, but the deeper I dig into his life, the more I need him in mine. He knows how to soothe the pain from my past. He longs to own me, and I yearn to be his.
Something sinister is happening in Coventry. Innocent or guilty, Aldous is at its center. I won’t stop until I know the truth, even if it makes me the target of an unspeakable evil…
About the Author
Sansa Rayne, who also goes by the name Sasha Rich, is a writer from upstate New York aiming to achieve a lifelong dream of being a professional novelist. Sansa of course loves reading and writing — and BDSM. Most importantly, Sansa has a lot of fun ideas and hopes to share many more of them in the future.
For fun, Sansa enjoys movies, anything from Hollywood flicks to art-house prestige pictures; good food, particularly pizza and barbecue; and chilly walks in the snow. Sansa also loves visiting New York City!
For updates on all new Sansa Rayne books, sign up for her mailing list!
Acknowledgments
I have to thank my parents and sister once again. They have been incredibly supportive as I’m finding my way as a full-time author. Not having a steady 9-5 job can be scary, but I know I can count on them!
My beta readers are the best. If you enjoyed this book, it’s because they helped me fix all the mistakes I made — and there were a few! They’re the best, and I owe them.
I can’t forget my squad pals, who have been awesome as always. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends!
Finally, if you’re reading this, thank you too! I couldn’t do what I love without the support of readers. If you enjoyed the book, leaving a review really helps! Thank you!
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