by Laura Iding
Not that she expected her father’s letter to describe the depth of feeling Trina’s father displayed, but she was struck by the way Trina’s parents supported their daughter despite everything that happened. They kept reminding Trina how much they loved her and how everything would work out fine.
Dana found herself believing them.
Believing her own father wasn’t nearly as easy. Why had he left her all those years ago? Did he deserve another chance? She honestly didn’t know.
Jessica’s condition was pretty much unchanged, and she learned from the day-shift nurse that Jessica had reached a higher level on the transplant list. She hoped that meant good news for Jessica and her two kids. So far, she hadn’t seen Wendy and Chad visiting and hoped they were spending more time with their father.
At dinnertime, she headed down to the cafeteria to grab a salad. When she stood in line to pay, Mitch came up behind her.
“I’ll take care of both meals,” he told the cashier.
“You don’t have to buy me dinner,” she protested.
“I know, but I’d like to.” Mitch followed her to a nearby table. “Do you mind if I sit with you?”
“No, I don’t mind.” Talking to Mitch would help keep her mind off her father. “But why are you here so late?”
“What do you mean?” He raised a brow as he took a bite of his hamburger.
“You do realize none of the other intensivists work this late unless they have a really good reason,” Dana pointed out. She stabbed at her salad, thinking Mitch’s juicy burger looked very good. “Isn’t that why you have residents? So they can stay and do the work while you go home?”
“I like to teach,” he answered seriously, between bites. “And I care about the patients.”
She didn’t doubt him. His concern for Trina had been very real. He’d been especially happy to see Trina’s drug levels were starting to come down, if slowly.
“You’re just afraid your residents are going to do something wrong,” she teased as she snitched one of his fries.
“Nah, they’re doing pretty good.” Mitch shoved the fries toward her in silent invitation to have more. Sitting here with him, sharing his food, seemed strange, yet at the same time comfortable. As if she didn’t have to be someone she wasn’t in his company.
“I noticed you seemed upset when you came to work,” Mitch said. “Everything all right?”
“Sure.” She shrugged, amazed at his perceptiveness. How did he pick up on the slightest change in her moods? When he frowned at her in disbelief, she amended, “Actually, I was a little upset. My father showed up on my doorstep right before I was due to come to work.” She grinned wryly. “For a moment I thought he was a door-to-door salesman and almost shut the door in his face.”
“What happened?” Mitch’s keen gaze probed hers.
“Nothing. He gave me a letter, asked me to read it, then left.” Dana tried to make light of the situation, but at the time her body had gone numb. She still had trouble believing the whole episode hasn’t been some strange dream.
“What did the letter say?”
“I don’t know.” Dana stole another fry. “I didn’t read it.”
Mitch sucked in a quick breath. “You threw it away?”
“No, but that was my plan.” She sighed, and picked at her salad. “Except now I’m not sure what do to.”
Mitch didn’t respond and she looked up, wondering what he was thinking. The first time he’d learned about her father he’d urged her to give her father another chance. Did he still feel the same way? Dana wasn’t sure she wanted more advice from Mitch—he couldn’t understand how hurt she’d been when her father had left all those years ago. For a long time she’d wondered if she’d done something really bad to make him go away. Nightmares had plagued her, and she’d often woken her mother up in the middle of the night. When she’d finally explained about the nightmares, her mother had confessed that the real reason her father had left had had nothing to do with Dana. It had been because he hadn’t loved her anymore.
Dana couldn’t quite understand why her father had stopped loving her, too, but at least the nightmares had faded. Still, once again she wondered why he had bothered to seek her out now after all these years.
“So what do you think?” Dana couldn’t stand the silence any more. “Should I read his letter?”
Mitch glanced at her. “I think if you couldn’t throw the letter away, your heart is already giving you the answer.”
She rolled her eyes at his serious tone. “I was running late for work.”
“I’m sure it’s hard for you to understand what happened all those years ago.” Mitch leaned forward, his expression earnest. “But only your father knows his true reasons for leaving. Can you live with yourself if you don’t at least try to understand them?”
“I don’t know.” Dana abandoned her salad and propped her chin in her hand. Talking to Mitch was surprisingly easy. Being friends wasn’t so bad after all. “I honestly haven’t thought about him much over the past few years.”
“You’re afraid.” He nodded. “I understand.”
“Not afraid, exactly.” Dana didn’t like to think fear was the overriding emotion here. “More wary.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t be alone when you read it.”
Dana knew Serena would support her if she asked, but Serena was off over Christmas because she and Grant were going to his parents’ for the holiday. Caryn, too, would have been there for her, but Caryn was going through tough times of her own and Dana didn’t want to add to them. “I’ll be fine.”
Mitch reached across the table and took her hand in his. “I know it’s at times like this you probably miss your mom the most. I’ll sit with you while you read the letter if you like.”
Stunned by his offer, she didn’t know what to say.
“I went through some difficult times a while back, and I should have found someone to talk to, but I didn’t.” Mitch held her gaze with his. “I don’t want you to make the same mistake.” He touched her hand lightly. “Your choice, Dana. But just know I’m here for you.”
CHAPTER NINE
“THANKS.” DANA WAS touched by Mitch’s sincerity. It had been a long time since a man had cared enough to lend her a comforting shoulder to lean on. Most of her former relationships hadn’t lasted that long. “I might take you up on your offer.”
“Good.” Mitch flashed her a reassuring grin. “I’ll stick around until you’ve finished your shift, then follow you home. Unless you’d rather wait until tomorrow?”
“I’m not sure I can wait that long,” Dana confessed. Then a twinge of guilt tightened her chest. “Although I know you have to be here at the hospital again early in the morning. Why don’t we wait? I’m sure it won’t kill me to hold off reading it for a few days.”
“No, we’ll do this tonight. I think the minute you see that letter sitting there, you’ll want to read it.” He glanced at his watch. “I’ll grab a quick nap while you finish your shift. How about we meet up in the unit at eleven?”
She hesitated, knowing she was taking advantage of him yet at the same time unable to let him off the hook. She nodded slowly. “All right. If you’re sure you don’t mind.”
“No problem.” He eyed her half-eaten salad. “Are you finished? You didn’t eat much.”
“Only half your fries,” she countered with an exasperated sigh. “Besides, I need to get back up to the unit.”
Mitch stood, then took both of their trays and carried them over to the tray line. “Page me if I’m not up on the unit by eleven.”
“Sure.” Dana felt warm and tingly when he gave her hand a gentle squeeze. She suspected he might have kissed her if they hadn’t been standing in front of the diners in the cafeteria, and she was surprised by how badly she wanted him to kiss her again. “See you later, then.”
They parted, and Dana returned to the ICU alone. There was plenty of work to keep her busy, but time seemed to crawl by, especially when she stared
at the clock every five minutes.
Jessica was tired and somewhat lethargic. Dana would have been concerned except that her oxygenation saturation on the bi-pap mask was holding at 92 percent. After verifying she was really all right, she moved on to Trina.
Her parents held vigil at the bedside. Not until right at the end of Dana’s shift did Trina open her eyes and look directly at her parents seated beside her bed. Immediately, the young girl’s eyes filled with tears.
“Don’t cry,” her mother begged, crying herself. “Everything is going to be all right.”
Trina’s father stood and took Trina’s hand. “The baby is fine.” His voice broke and he had to clear his throat before he could continue. “And so are you. We’re sorry we didn’t know how depressed you were, but your mother is right—we’re here and everything is going to be fine. We’ll get through this together.”
Trina blinked away her tears and nodded. She couldn’t talk because of the breathing tube in her throat and Dana stepped forward.
“As soon as her drug levels come back at a less than critical level, we won’t have to give any more charcoal and then we can take that breathing tube out,” she explained. “Hopefully by the morning.”
Trina frowned, shook her head and pointed to the tube, indicating she didn’t want to wait that long for it to come out. Dana could understand—she knew the breathing tube was hardly comfortable. But neither was getting more charcoal.
“I’m sorry, but we can’t take the tube out yet.” Even though she wanted to make Trina feel better, there were some things that couldn’t be rushed. “We need to protect your airway, should the drug levels change for the worse.”
“We understand.” Trina’s father spoke up. “Thanks for letting us know.”
Dana documented another set of vital signs on Trina’s clipboard, then glanced at Trina’s parents. “Do you need anything else? I have to check on my other patient.”
“No, but thanks.” Dana’s mother looked relieved. “We’ll stay the night if you don’t mind.”
“We don’t allow cots in the ICU, but you’re welcome to stay in the family center.” Dana smiled at them both. “You might want to take turns, so you get at least a little sleep. I’ll let the family center know your plans.”
She made the necessary calls, then went to make one last check on Jessica before it was time to give report. Jessica was resting comfortably, so Dana quickly noted her vital signs, then slipped back out of the room without waking her.
Mitch hadn’t shown up by the time she’d finished report, so she paged him. Within a few minutes he called back. “I’m on my way,” he promised.
She waited for him outside the unit, her stomach in knots. Now that it was nearly time for her to go home and read her father’s letter, she felt inexplicably apprehensive. Maybe she didn’t want to read the letter after all. Maybe she should just tell Mitch she’d changed her mind. She could wait a few days for Serena to return.
“Hi, Dana.” Mitch greeted her as he stepped around the corner. “How was the rest of your shift?”
“Good. Trina woke up about an hour ago.” She pushed her doubts away and turned down the hall toward the doorway leading out to the parking garage.
“Great news. I bet her parents are relieved.” Mitch fell into step beside her.
“Did you take a nap?” she asked. He did look refreshed and she caught a whiff of his woodsy aftershave.
“Yeah. As a resident, I learned to grab sleep when I could.” He held the door open for her and a blast of cold air hit her in the face. “Where are you parked?”
“Over there.” She gestured to the slot where she’d left her car.
“Oh, I see it. And my car is on the lower level. Wait for me out by the exit and I’ll follow you home.”
She did as he asked. When she saw Mitch’s headlights in her rear-view mirror, she headed home, thankful that the snow had stopped, at least momentarily. So far the winter weather had been mild, just a few inches of snow here and there, and she found herself hoping for snow at Christmas.
The thought of Christmas brought her back to the holidays and the promise she’d made to her mother.
What would her mother have thought of her father’s unexpected arrival? If her mother were still alive, would she encourage Dana to read his letter? Her mother hadn’t carried a grudge against her father—in fact, she hadn’t really talked about him at all.
The ride home wasn’t long, and when Dana pulled into her garage, Mitch parked outside and met her at the door. Having him over at such a late hour made her feel slightly wicked.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
She opened the door. “I guess so.”
“Nice place.” Mitch’s admiring glance warmed her heart. “Did you live here with your mother?”
She nodded and tossed her coat over a kitchen chair. “I lived on my own for a number of years, then moved back after my mother was diagnosed with cancer.”
“I see.” Mitch took his coat off, too, and nodded at the envelope lying in the center of the table. “Is that the letter?”
“Would you like something to drink?” She rubbed her hands together, avoiding the letter for the moment. “I could go for some blistering-hot coffee.”
“Sounds good.” Mitch took their coats to the closet, then sat across from her at the table. Once she’d finished preparing the coffee, she brought two steaming mugs to the table.
Mitch sipped his without comment as she picked up the letter, staring at it for a moment.
“Your choice, Dana,” he reminded her.
He was right. It was her choice and she didn’t think she could live with herself if she ignored her father’s letter. After taking a deep breath, she slid her nail beneath the flap and opened the envelope. Two sheets of paper slid out. She unfolded them and began to read.
Dear Dana,
Your mother sent me a note just before last Christmas, asking me to get in touch with you. I know there’s a chance you may never read this letter, but I hope you will. If not now, then maybe someday you’ll take the time to read this.
I’d like to ask for your forgiveness for leaving you and your mother. I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but I’m asking anyway.
The divorce was my fault. I take full blame for the destruction of my marriage. Your mother told me I had a drinking problem, but I refused to believe her. Not even the night I picked you up from the sitter and nearly crashed did I believe I had an issue with drinking. But that was the night your mother gave me an ultimatum: stop drinking and get help, or leave.
I left.
I’d like to tell you how much I regret my decision, but I didn’t, at least not right away. My righteous anger carried me through many years. Until the night almost two years ago when I ended up in the hospital with acute pancreatitis. I lost over a month of my life, most of the time spent in the ICU. I don’t remember much, which is probably a good thing. Even when I was finally released from the hospital, my kidneys suffered severe damage, resulting in the need for dialysis three times a week.
Once I realized I did have a severe drinking problem, it was too late. I’d already lost you and your mother. I did get help and have been alcohol-free since coming off dialysis nine months ago. I would have returned sooner if I could have. I only wish there was a way for me to go back and change the mistakes from the past. Your mother was right. You were much better off without me.
I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but I want you to know how sorry I am and how much I love you. I’m very proud of the wonderful person you’ve become. The patients in your care are truly blessed.
Sincerely,
Brian Whitney, your father
Her chest tight, Dana lifted her gaze to Mitch. His eyes, full of compassion, were glued to hers. Wordlessly, he stood and came around toward her.
“Come here.” He took her into his arms and she leaned gratefully against his warm strength.
“Thanks. You were right, I’m glad I
didn’t read this while I was here alone.” Her voice was muffled against his shirt. While she still regretted the years her father had stayed away, she found some solace in knowing he’d cared.
“Any time.” Mitch rested his cheek against the top of her head and stroked a hand down her back. There was nothing sexual in his embrace, but her skin tingled down the length of her spine where he touched her. She tried to curb her rioting emotions. “I’m here for as long as you want me to be.”
Like forever? She shook off the unrealistic expectation and closed her eyes, breathing deeply, filling her head with his wonderfully addictive scent. As much as she wanted to hate her father for his weakness, as a nurse she knew alcoholism was a disease. And while she wondered how he could walk away without even trying to keep in touch, she also knew things might have been worse if he had stayed.
At least her father had loved her. Maybe she wasn’t completely unlovable after all.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Mitch asked in a low tone.
She shook her head. Right now, it was enough to know her father loved her. And she didn’t want to think about the past, preferring to be submersed in the present. Being held by Mitch felt so good, so right, she didn’t want him to ever let go. Lifting her head, she moved just enough to press a thank-you kiss against the side of his neck, the only area she could reach without pulling out of his arms.
When she kissed him, he sucked in a quick breath and every muscle in his body went tense. A tingly awareness coursed through her. Curious, she experimented again, pressing her mouth against his skin and tracing the surface with her tongue for a quick taste. His arms tightened, bringing her firmly against his hard length, changing the embrace from one of comfort to something far more urgent.
“Dana,” he growled low in his throat, burying his face in her hair. “You’d better tell me to leave.”
“I can’t.” Letting him go was the furthest thing from her mind. Although she wished they weren’t standing in the center of her kitchen. Her bedroom was too far away, but the living-room sofa was much closer. Pushing the collar of his shirt out of her way, she explored the taut skin of his chest with her mouth.
