by Lucy Harvey
I had spoken too soon.
I did not remember her last name but apparently it was not necessary anyway, my search field flooded with an array of images, stories and even videos of their rendezvous. I seriously needed to stop googling him, as if my insecurities were not sky high as it was.
My blood curdled and my over beating heart sank to the pit of my soul and I witnessed Roman’s arm wrapped around her slutty shoulders. She had her head buried into his neck and they appeared happy. The same pose they sported the other night as though it was their thing. Ugh. They appeared so happy. The pictures killed me and that was not even the worst part.
Odette’s alleged statement about the heart stealing Roman Court was what unleashed my tears. As salty water flooded my vision I could only catch glimpses of her romantic confession.
“I’ll always be Romans girl, you’ve all read the headlines, you have all seen for yourselves how he always comes running back. I guess my secret is treat them mean keep them keen, you have to be one step ahead of a man like Roman Court.”
He had sworn that he had never felt anything more than a sexual connection with another human so why was she talking from his handbook? The way she spoke about him showed much more than a lust filled relationship to me.
Oh baby two can play at that game.
Returning to my former love seeking self was not an option so I proceeded in the only other way I knew how. Play hard to get. Peyton’s wise words seeped into my mind.
‘Boys always come running once they think they can’t have you, they are none the wiser than dogs, they just enjoy the chase. Complete idiocy if you ask me.’
I slammed down the top of my laptop and leapt out of the desktop chair. Reaching my phone I steadied my shaking hands and proceeded to text Roman.
Me – Fuck you!
There that should get the message to him loud and clear.
As I waited for the message to deliver I silently prayed that this text would reward me with the same affection as last time. The last time I sent a text telling Roman where to stick it he hunted me down like an estranged animal marking me with his love.
I could not go to Roman in a typical manner and request affection, I had to play this game and we both knew why. Last time I reeled him into this web he made love to me, the word love freely fell from his own lips. He needed my submission but more than that he needed to think he was controlling me and changing me. I would give him anything he desired.
My phone chimed braking me from my downward spiral of thinking.
Cole – Hey sis, I’m beat and starved! Fancy showing me somewhere to eat?
Not at all was I interested in eating but the idea of something to occupy my mind with someone who I could come completely undone with was valued.
In the bathroom I took two face wipes to wash away the smudged makeup. Then I headed into the bedroom and swapped my floral shirt dress and sandals for denim shorts, a baggy top and reliable converse.
I shot a quick text to Cole telling him I would pick him up from the music store he said he would be spending the day at and headed over to meet him.
I was still battling with trying to keep my last meal down as my emotions threatened to spin it to sick so I decided to opt for a coffee instead. The extra caffeine would be unwelcome later when I was tossing and turning in bed replaying every scene of me and Roman in my mind but for now it was a warm kind of comfort.
“Come on, spill, I recognize that look when I see it.” Cole probed, he knew from the minute he settled into the passenger seat of my car that something was up, as though he could smell the unease radiating off my skin.
In chronological order I reeled off every event and incident involving Roman and I informing Cole on how I had spent every single day since I had met him. Mentally I tried to make sense of it all but as the words were coming out of my mouth I was growing even more confused.
When I relay it to someone else, someone that has no clue about our entanglement it all seems pathetic. Quickly I became a willing captive of Romans torturous spell.
“I just don’t know what to do, I don’t know why he has this hold over me.” I confessed.
“Lily are you sure this has nothing to do with, well you know?” Even years later he could not say it, perhaps he just could not admit it.
“Cole, this is different, you know I am always straight up with you of all people. There is something about him and I just know he gets me, I just don’t know why he is so intent on pushing me away.” I rubbed at my temples conveying my worn-out brain.
“The guy sounds like a wacko to me, I mean I have heard of the hot and cold treatment and hate to admit I have used it myself but Jeeh never to that extreme. He must be interested though, no guy becomes that invested in something they claim to hate so much for no other reason than he wants in.” Cole slammed his hand down onto the table making his iced tea glass rattle as though highlighting his point.
“I just don’t know what to do, every time I think about cutting him loose something makes me hang on. It’s like he can sense when I am about to give up and storms in just in time to reel me back in.” I crashed my head into the palm of my hands, my tired mind growing as heavy as my weighty heart.
Please just give me a sign.
I lifted my head and released an agitated sigh. I swiped the loose strands of hair out of my face and leant over trying to reach my purse to grab some hair clips to tame the loose strays. As soon as I bent over I could feel a fire coming for me, as though eyes were burning holes straight through me. That feeling when you are alone in the dark and you feel an unearthly presence as though you are being watched or even stalked. I lifted my head gingerly knowing exactly what it meant. Roman was here.
Strike one - Lily tried to aggravate me by parading herself around JD who by taking one look at was also under the Lily induced daze I had come accustom too.
Strike two - Now I had caught her engaging in a cozy lunch with some fucking alternative indie cunt. My blood began to curdle as my chest expanded and deflated in an unsteady rhythm. If it was a fight my Angel was after then she best prepare herself for a war.
To think she believed she could end it with one text. I know I messed up, I messed up good, so when I received that message telling me loud and clear she saw Odette’s photo it caused an unease in my heart. I froze at the thought. Lily had unlocked something within me that I thought withered and died a long time ago.
I had a heart.
A heart that beats only for her, one that she had forced inside me but it was beating raw and fast for her. But here she was with another prick ready to put his hands all over what was mine, what still is mine and always would be.
Twisted ideas ran through my head as though the dirtiest positions from the karma sutra had been placed on a conveyer belt continuously rolling through my mind. The thought of Lily purposely trying to defy turned me on. I could think of nothing other than showering her in my come like a dog using urine to mark its territory.
Before I would have marched right into that diner and dragged her out by that messy bun that messes with my groin. After last night and the fiasco with Odette I didn’t have a leg to stand on, not that a detail like that would be enough to stop me but Lily gave me a heart. She gave me a heart and all I gave her was heartache.
Processing my new found organ was still captivating me in a sense of shock. I probably stood outside that diner for a good fifteen minutes before I registered what I was doing. Whilst racking my brain for the golden spade to get me out of this hole I studied her nimble frame appalled by her comfortability with this prick.
As the anger and rage began to settle I prayed for it to quickly return. It was replaced by abandonment and hurt, would Lily always be so quick to replace me?
Lily had those long glowing legs on show with one wrapped underneath her whilst the other freely tapped away. I pictured the times she rode shot gun in my car how then just like now she would tap her feet as though creating a rhythm for the unwelcome organ
that was starting to consume my chest.
I watched as Lily twiddled her dainty fingers around the stands of her betraying hair acting like a mask rather than a mane. Silently I prayed it would not be long till those very dainty fingers were becoming one with her tongue fluttering around the head of my cock.
Quickly I whipped my head around to the side as I noticed a customer in the diner had spotted me staring, I became wary of how long they had noticed I had been standing here. They could get lost. When I looked at Lily it felt like there was only her and I in the entire universe, no judgmental nosey parker would get in the way of that. When I returned my gaze to Lily she had that perfect plump ass on display as she bent over to fiddle with something.
I stormed in to the diner, that ass was not to be looked at or touched by anything other than my dominating hands.
“What are you doing here?” Lily asked. As she looked up at me her face fell but her eyes grew wild.
“Who’s this?” Her ‘date’ inspected.
“You’re coming with me.” I demanded not breaking eye contact with Lily.
“If you are the famous Roman then you can think twice before ordering her around, she’s staying with me.” The guy stood up arching back his shoulders in a defensive manner.
Standing still, I kept my sight firmly on Lily. “I will count to three Angel.” My voice remained soft despite my quaking hands.
“Look here dude, she is going nowhere with you so I suggest you back off or I will count to three.” The guy’s voice was growing louder and angrier, as my annoyance grew stronger. He budged my arm so I turned away from Lily and met his smoldering glare.
“For god sake both of you stop it.” Lily screeched creating a distraction.
I stared in to the eyes of this intruder acting so cocky in my personal space. My instant thoughts that he had a physical connection with Lily began to falter, his protectiveness over her was more paternal rather than sexual. Standing at six foot two the same height as me I held his glare silently communicating for him to get lost.
“Cole please it is okay, you said you had somewhere to be I can handle this, I promise.” Cole. Looking into his eyes I noticed they shone in the same shade as Lily’s. It was Lily’s brother. I should have known.
Without saying one more word he grabbed his leather jacket from the booth he sat at with Lily and headed for the door leaving nothing behind but unwanted tension.
“Thank you.” I said to Lily.
“Thank me? No Roman thank you for making me believe I could trust you and then cheating on me with Odette. Wait – not even cheating because you and I are nothing are we. We are just a string of emotional fuck ups.” She wailed loud enough for the entire diner to hear and judge. Some even turned in their seats as though tuning in to an episode of some dramatic watershed soap.
“Lily please I can explain, just not here.” Lily grabbed my hand and stormed towards the door, she didn’t stop until we were secluded down a private alley that reeked of animal piss and homeless junkies. Maybe it was human piss.
“You can explain now.” Standing with her arms crossed over hear breasts she stood tall connoting she was not to be messed around. This time she meant business. I smiled at her actions which caused her to grow more irritated with my sorry ass.
“One day I will tell you but for now I can’t, just know nothing happened, I promise.” I was lying but I was at rock bottom, it was no excuse just a pathetic plea.
“You really promise nothing happened?” She dropped her brave arms and her courage deflated in front of me, she was once again my vulnerable Angel.
“Angel, you know it will always just be you.” I comforted her.
“So you didn’t touch her in that way? You swear on everything we have?” Fuck she was really killing me.
“I swear Lily.”
I pulled Lily into me as the ever growing organ in my chest increased a sizeable amount, it belonged to her. Leaning forward I tried to kiss Lily but she pulled back from my lips and nuzzled into my chest.
“I wish you would stop hurting me Roman.” She whispered into my chest, her silent plea muffled by her sobs. A crack shot through the heart she gave me and I soon remembered why I was so glad to get rid of it before. Emotions hurt.
“Why do you do this to me Roman?” Lily refrained from snuggling into me and looked up at me puzzled, I did not have the words she needed to hear so I forced her back into me and kissed the top of her head breathing in that intoxicating vanilla scent I craved whenever she was not around.
“Because you let me.” I whispered into her tangled hair silent enough for her to not hear my deranged want.
After our reconnection in the lane Lily and I drove separately back to her apartment, she had made me swear I would steer clear of Odette and I knew I had too. I could not deal with fully losing Lily, which was now clearer than ever but it would come with a price. There was no way to please everyone you kept close to you, along the line someone was always going to get hurt.
I pulled up outside Lily’s personal hideaway and made my way inside, even though we had made up I knew she was still reluctant to let loose with me so I was relieved when I found the door unlocked for me. I inwardly smile once I was met with Taylor Swift playing through the stereo. It was a white retro radio I had bought as one of my gifts for Lily. Gifts, poems, songs. They all had the art of capturing the words I wish I could say to Lily.
After that night when I walked in on her so carelessly dancing to Eileen my next gift came to me straight away.
Taylor Swift was just one more thing that differentiated Lily from the others. Something else that screamed purity about her. To anyone else she would reveal how she loved punk rock and alternative indie, even that she had a love for old school RnB and 80’s music. It was only with me or her closest friends she would feel free enough to fan girl over Taylor swift, only with those closest would she reveal the true her.
Once walking through the house I heard the sound of the shower and made my way into Lily’s bedroom. Her lilac curtains were drawn back letting a natural glow into the bedroom maybe that was why it felt so welcoming and homely to be in here. Whenever I was in Lily’s room it was immaculate, everything was in pristine condition and her belongings were kept in a neat order. This time there were leaflets and forms scattered along her dressing table.
When I walked over the sign ‘MM’ stood out to me, without double checking I knew it stood for Marvelous Minds. It was one of the many charities my firms donated too. It was actually the main one we were involved with, an organization to prevent teen suicide.
“It stands for Marvelous Minds.” I turned with one of the leaflets in hand to find Lily stood in nothing but a towel.
“I know, I’m actually a board member.” I confirmed scanning her frame from the tip of her toes to the top of her head.
“Oh I should have known. That’s where I start my internship next week. The England office not the New York one.” Lily huffed in exaggerated annoyance and stormed over to the wardrobe quickly throwing on a baggy T and then clambered into her bed sinking under the overload of covers leaving her back to me.
“I know Angel, I’ll be at the fundraiser when you give your speech.” I can remember when in the board meeting when I first saw Lily’s name on the itinerary and how excited I was too watch her in action expressing her passion.
“Just when I thought I could not be any more nervous.” Her attitude was cold and completely different to what I had ever experienced before.
Knowing that I was no good at coaxing her around with hearts and flowers or heart filled sentiments I went with the only option I had skill in.
Lily needed to remember who controlled her. I was the one that controlled the atmosphere, it was I who dictated how we felt not her. I was not going to be made uncomfortable and wary because of her. Right now I needed her to loosen up so that is what I would do. Loosen her up. Literally.
Instead of undressing and climbing into bed next to Lily I turned
on my heel and continued out of the door until I found myself in the kitchen. I searched through each door and cupboard until I found Lily’s D.I.Y box. When I first learnt that she owned one I was shocked until I discovered every item was a glittery pink; not one actually capable of sustaining real work and then it made sense. Grabbing the items I needed from the tool box and various other items from the kitchen to soothe the marks I was about to leave, I headed back to the bedroom.
Alarm bells began to chime in my skull as I noted that Lily did not turn to watch me when I left or entered the bedroom. Normally my presence or departure would intoxicate her and I had grown to depend on how she so fervently studied my every move. Please do not be through with me yet Angel.
Being as silent as I could manage I removed all my clothes and slid up the bed from the bottom, I covered myself with the many quilts Lily had wrapped around her.
My hands found her softly moisturized legs and travelled up them skimming and appreciating the smoothness of her flawless skin. My tongue skimmed the inside of her thighs and without relaying a word Lily shifted onto her back spreading her legs just a fraction apart teasing me with her sweet scent.
Gently rubbing my hands over her thighs I waited until I could feel and see Lily visibly relax in front of me. Once she fully rested into the comforting mattress I ferociously grabbed both thighs pinning them down; gaining a squeal from Lily’s soon to be fucked mouth.
When Lily tried to kick her legs free she became aware of the rope I managed to secretly tie around her ankles.
“Roman?”
“Do you want me to have something to be sorry for Angel? Do you want me to be this bad guy you are making me feel like? Well now you’ve got it.”
My entire body was filled with nothing but rage. Rage from what Odette made me do. Rage from hearing about my past. Rage from disappointing Lily. Most of all rage from letting her mean something to me.
