‘Tomorrow’s Thursday. Let’s meet for tacos like we used to after work. I need some girl time.’
‘You’re on. I have a settlement at four and I can come after that. See you then.’
Throughout the next day, whenever I used the bathroom, I caught myself staring into the mirror while washing my hands, wondering what I’d look like with bigger breasts. The surgeon had suggested I try various sizers to see what I felt comfortable with before making the final decision.
I ordered the bead-filled neoprene sacks in two sizes. According to the order confirmation, they were shipped today, which meant they should be on my door step in two days. I’d stuff my bra with both sizes and see which I preferred. This was a big decision for me and I wanted to make sure I made the right one.
Jackie was in her usual seat when I arrived at Tony’s. I slid in beside her and ordered a drink. ‘Gosh, I feel like it’s been forever since we had a girls’ night out.’
Jackie sipped her rum and Coke. ‘I hate that you live so far away.’
‘Me, too. But I do love the house and I never thought I’d say this, but living in a secluded wooded area has its perks.’
‘Like?’ Jackie smiled.
‘Like being able to walk around the house naked and not worry about a neighbor seeing you.’
‘Whoa! Shelly.’ Jackie laughed. ‘Do you walk around the house naked a lot?’
‘Sometimes Eric likes to spend the day naked.’
Jackie pinched her stomach fat. ‘Really? I definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that even if I did live in the country.’
‘I didn’t at first either, but I like making Eric happy.’
The bartender slid our plates of tacos in front of us. ‘Anything else?’
‘Not right now,’ Jackie said. He walked away and she turned to me. ‘But you’re happy, right?’ She sounded serious.
‘I’m happier than I ever thought I’d be. Why’d you ask?’
‘I just want to make sure. You’d tell me if you weren’t, right?’
‘Yes, of course. I mean it’s not always perfect. No marriage is. I lived alone a long time and it’s been an adjustment living with someone again, especially when you’re married and leaving isn’t an option.’
‘You’ve never thought about leaving, have you?’ Jackie asked.
‘No, no. This is all coming out wrong. I just meant that when you’re married and have an argument, you need to find a way to come together and move on.’
We left the bar an hour later and by the time I got home I was ready to drop into bed, but Eric was waiting up for me. As soon as I walked inside I could see by the look on his face he was angry.
‘About time you got home.’ His voice was sharp.
‘Sorry, guess we got carried away talking. But we don’t get to see each other that much.’
‘So, you’d rather spend time with Jackie than with me?’
‘No, I didn’t say that. It’s just that I see you every day and I don’t get to see her that often.’
‘I’m your husband. You should see me every day.’
‘But I told you last night I was meeting Jackie after work for tacos.’
He threw the magazine he was holding on the floor. ‘And that’s another thing – you didn’t ask me if it was okay. You just decided.’
‘I didn’t know I needed your permission.’
‘Well, it would’ve been nice if you had asked me if I minded.’
‘Sorry, I promise the next time I will.’
‘Good.’
He walked towards the guest bedroom.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’m sleeping in the guest bedroom tonight.’
‘Eric, please. It was just a night out with Jackie. I’m sorry.’
He slammed the door shut and Izzy scurried under the dining-room table.
I showered and crawled into bed. I felt the empty space next to me. I reasoned that Eric was upset because he loved me so much and wanted to spend as much time as he could with me. Why did I keep messing up?
The next morning, he was gone before I woke up. I looked for a note, but he didn’t leave one.
‘Well, Izzy. I guess I really screwed up.’
The entire drive to work, I thought about what I could do to make it up to Eric. I had a couple of ideas, but I wasn’t sure which would be best. Maybe I’d buy him the watch he wanted.
I texted him when I arrived at the office.
Missed you this morning.
Love you.
He didn’t respond.
Chapter 24
I had the crappiest day ever. Besides not hearing from Eric, a deal I didn’t anticipate having problems with had fallen through and another seemed headed that way. But the worst news came mid-afternoon. One of my co-workers who’d been battling cancer had died, leaving a loving wife and two small children behind.
And here I was arguing with Eric over what now seemed like trivial matters. My life could end tomorrow. I’d try harder to please him.
When I pulled into the driveway I saw Eric’s car and breathed a sigh of relief. I couldn’t believe how much I’d missed him. He was working in his office and I walked in. ‘About last night,’ I said. ‘I’m sorry. I really am. It won’t happen again.’
He stood. ‘Come here.’ He hugged me. ‘I wish you wouldn’t make me yell at you. I don’t like yelling at you.’
‘I’m sorry. I’ll try harder. Promise.’
Eric smiled. ‘So how was your day?’
‘Not great.’ I explained about the contract falling through and about my co-worker dying.
‘I’m sorry,’ Eric said. ‘Do you want to hit the gym?’
I shook my head. ‘Just not feeling it tonight.’
‘How about we grab a bite to eat out? I’ve been wanting to try that new Mexican restaurant in town.’
‘Sounds great. Let me freshen up first.’
I changed my clothes and returned a few minutes later. ‘Ready?’
Eric grabbed his satchel and we left.
‘I just realized we hadn’t talked about your day. How was it?’ I asked on the way to the restaurant.
‘Very good. Can’t complain at all.’
I wanted to tell him how hurt I was he hadn’t responded to my multiple texts but feared another argument, so I didn’t bring it up.
We were greeted by a wall of Mexican sombreros when we entered the restaurant. The place was cheerful and bright, with yellow, pink, blue and green walls covered with bright Mexican baskets and other items. We were seated at a booth.
‘Love all the colors,’ I said.
Eric looked around. ‘It’s definitely colorful. I hope the food is good.’
A young man approached our table. He was very good-looking, tall and thin with a smile that I’m sure cost his parents thousands.
‘Hi, my name’s Josh. I’ll be your server tonight.’
‘Hi, Josh,’ I said, noticing he was wearing a T-shirt from my alma mater. ‘Are you a student at Penn State?’
He smiled. ‘Yes.’
‘That’s where I went. What year?’
‘I’m a senior. I’m student teaching at Northeastern High School in math.’
‘Good luck.’
‘Thanks.’
We ordered margaritas and when Josh returned with our drinks, he took our food order.
I sipped my margarita as my mind drifted to thoughts of my co-worker and his family. ‘I can’t believe Andy’s gone.’
Eric didn’t say anything. I thought he’d at least try to console me. I was obviously upset about Andy dying. Josh returned with our meals.
‘That was quick,’ I remarked.
‘We aim to please,’ Josh said as he slid the plates in front of us. ‘Be careful, the dishes are hot. Can I get you anything else?’
I smiled. ‘I think we’re good for now. Thanks.’
I scooped some salsa sauce on top of my chicken enchiladas. Eric dug into his beef burritos.
‘How are the burritos?’ I asked, tasting my enchiladas.
‘Okay.’ He didn’t look up at me.
‘Just okay?’ I asked.
This time he looked at me. ‘They’re good, okay?’
From the tone of his voice and troubled expression, I could tell he was upset.
‘Is everything alright?’ I asked him. ‘You’re quiet.’
He stabbed his burrito with his fork. ‘I just don’t feel like talking.’
He definitely was irritated but I had no idea why. As soon as we got into the car, he flipped out. His arms flailed and he started shouting. ‘How dare you flirt with the waiter!’
‘What? I was just being nice.’
He thrust his keys into the ignition. ‘You were flirting with him. Right in front of my eyes.’
‘Eric, I was not. He wore a T-shirt from my alma mater. I was just trying to be nice.’
‘Well, it didn’t look that way to me.’ He sped out of the parking lot.
I sighed. I was beginning to feel that nothing I did was right. ‘Eric, I love you. I wasn’t flirting with the waiter. I don’t want anyone else but you. Besides, he was just a kid. He could have been my kid.’
He slammed the dashboard with his fist and I jumped in my seat. ‘You will not do that again.’
I froze. I was beginning to feel as if I was dealing with my alcoholic mom all over again. I grew up walking on egg shells, never knowing when something I did or said would set her off. So, I tried to be good all the time and, when she did go bat-shit crazy, I’d cower in a corner and shut down. Or escape to Jackie’s house. It was easier that way. I was quiet the rest of the drive home. Eric didn’t say anything either. That night, we slept in separate beds – again.
In the morning, I dressed for the gym. Before we fought the night before, we’d made plans to work out together in the morning. I wasn’t sure if Eric would still go, but I didn’t want to miss cycling class.
I finished my protein shake and was just about ready to walk out the door when Eric walked into the kitchen.
‘Where do you think you’re going?’ he snarled.
‘Uh, to the gym.’
‘Think again,’ he said firmly. ‘You will not be going to the gym dressed like that.’
I looked down at my clothes. I had on black cycling shorts and a tank top. ‘I don’t understand. What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?’
‘You look like a whore waiting to turn a trick on the street corner. Put on a T-shirt.’
‘But it’s so hot in the cycling room,’ I pleaded.
‘Do not argue with me. Do it!’ His teeth clenched in anger and I left to put on a T-shirt.
When we arrived at the gym, I went straight to the indoor cycling class and Eric headed to the locker room to change into his cycling shoes. I was adjusting my seat when a man I’d never seen before sat in the seat in front of me.
‘Excuse me,’ the man said. ‘My name is Ed. This is my first class. Can you show me how to change the height of the seat and raise the handlebar?’
My heart started to race. Between Eric accusing me of flirting with the waiter at the Mexican restaurant the night before and dressing provocatively to attract men at the gym this morning, I was terrified of what he’d do if he saw me helping Ed. I glanced at the door. I didn’t want to be rude. I remembered my first class and how the instructor helped me. Unfortunately, the instructor hadn’t arrived yet.
‘Sure.’ I walked over and glanced at the door again. ‘See this knob under the seat? Just pull it out to move the seat up and down. The saddle should be parallel to your hip bone. I usually stand next to the seat when adjusting it to get the right height.’
‘What about these other knobs?’ Ed asked.
Again, I glanced at the door, wishing the instructor would arrive so he could help Ed instead.
I took a deep breath and pointed to the knob over the handlebar. ‘This moves it back and forth. The one under the handlebar moves it up and down.’
‘Got it,’ Ed said.
I was demonstrating proper posture when I heard Eric clear his throat. I turned around. ‘Oh, Eric. This is Ed. Ed, this is Eric, my husband.’ I stressed husband.
Ed shook Eric’s hand and I’m sure he noticed his sourpuss face, too. ‘So we have a newbie tonight?’ The instructor walked through the door and over to us. ‘Hi, I’m Jim. Welcome to class. I see Shelly got you started.’
I hopped off the bike. ‘But I’m more than happy to let the pro handle it.’ I felt a rush of relief as Jim took over.
I went back to my bike and finished adjusting my seat and handlebars. I’d saved Eric a seat next to me, but he went and sat on the other side of the room. I looked over at him but he stared straight ahead at the wall.
Eric and I usually did some weight training after cycle class, but he told me we were going home.
As soon as we got into the car he started on me.
‘I thought you weren’t going to flirt with any more men,’ he said.
I could feel my blood pressure rising. ‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t flirting. It was his first class.’
‘And why did you have to be the one to help him?’
‘He asked me.’
‘Let me get this straight,’ he said in a condescending tone. ‘He asked you to help him when he could have asked one of the gorgeous women in class? Why would he choose a beast over a beauty?’
My chin wobbled. I couldn’t keep from crying and I sobbed the whole way home.
Over the next couple of weeks, I found myself afraid to look or speak to another man when I was with Eric for fear he’d misinterpret my actions. I also hadn’t met Jackie for tacos at Tony’s because I didn’t want Eric to think Jackie was more important than him.
There were days when I was a beauty and days when I was a beast. I felt as if I were walking on thin ice and that at any moment I was going to fall through and drown. I became much more anxious. But when Eric loved me, he loved me totally and completely. I lived for those moments, when my white knight reappeared.
It was the night before my breast surgery and I showered, thinking about the next day. I ran my hands over my breasts. They fit perfectly in the palms of my hands. I imagined trying to cup my new double D breasts and them spilling out like a wad of pizza dough.
Eric was in bed reading when I walked in towel drying my hair. He sat the book on the nightstand. He motioned me to come closer. ‘Let me see you.’
I walked closer.
‘Drop the towel.’
I dropped the towel.
‘You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. Come, let me show you.’
‘You don’t want me to put on sexy lingerie?’
‘Not tonight. I’ll give you a break.’
I lay down beside him and he turned off the small lamp on the nightstand. He turned towards me and kissed and caressed my entire body. I couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t restrained my wrists. It felt so good to be able to wrap my arms around him as he took me so high I thought I’d die.
After, I snuggled up next to him and put my head on his chest.
‘Are you nervous about tomorrow?’ Eric asked.
‘A little, I guess.’
‘Don’t be. I’ll be there. Everything will be fine. You’ll look great. And after you heal, I’ll take you shopping for some new bras and clothes.’
‘You love me, right?’
‘Why would you even ask a thing after what we just did?’ Eric kissed the top of my head.
I drew circles on his chest with my index finger. ‘I guess I mean that you’d still love me if I didn’t get breast implants.’
He kissed my head again. ‘Yes, of course. We went over this before. I’ll love you either way. I just think you’d look better being a little larger. Think of the fun we’ll have with them.’
‘Good God, Eric. It’s not like they’re some kind of toy.’
‘Yes, of course. I didn’t mean it like that. And I suppose I will enjoy them more th
an you. And I love that you love me enough to do this for me. It shows your loyalty.’
Loyalty seemed like a strange word, but I didn’t challenge Eric. I’d stopped challenging him on things I would’ve taken issue with months ago. I just didn’t want to get into another fight. It was easier to let him win and have his way. I wanted to make him happy. And I learned that when I made him happy, he made me happy.
On the way to my surgery, Eric asked if there was anything special I wanted.
‘I probably won’t eat much today,’ I said.
He chuckled. ‘I wasn’t talking about after the surgery. I was talking about in life. Is there anything special you want? Like a new car?’
I shook my head. ‘No, not really. I like my sedan and it’s only two years old. Why? Are you getting tired of your SUV?’
‘Kind of,’ he said. ‘I’ve always wanted a BMW.’
I knew Eric well enough that if he brought something up, he’d been thinking about it for a while. ‘They’re expensive, aren’t they?’
He pulled into the surgical center parking lot. ‘Yes, but it sure would be nice to have one. Sort of like you getting bigger breasts.’
I wanted to tell him that one of the reasons, perhaps the main reason, I was getting bigger breasts was to look better for him. But I didn’t want to make a scene in the middle of the parking lot or get myself stressed before my surgery. So instead I told him we’d talk about it later.
We got out of the car and walked inside. My phone buzzed and I pulled it out of my purse. It was a text from Jackie.
Thinking of you. Good luck. Call me later.
I checked in with the receptionist, confirming all my medical information. I was the first appointment of the day and the waiting room was vacant. Eric and I sat near the flat-screen TV mounted on the wall so we could watch the morning news. I hadn’t expected to be so anxious. I couldn’t stop shaking my leg.
‘Are you okay?’ Eric put his arm around me.
‘Guess I’m just a little scared,’ I said, wringing my hands.
Eric took my hands in his. ‘Don’t be. Dr Curry is the best in the business. I’ll never let anything bad happen to you.’
I jumped in my seat when the door opened and a woman in blue scrubs stepped out. ‘Shelly Talbot?’
The Perfect Husband Page 13
