He went over to his satchel, opened it and pulled out a black leather collar and leash.
‘You’re not serious?’ My hands flew to my neck. I knew he had some deviant desires, but never imagined he’d go this far.
‘Oh, but I am.’
‘But what if someone sees us?’
Eric curled his evil lips. ‘Don’t worry, I found the perfect place to walk that’s totally secluded. In fact, it’s so secluded I bet a dead body would never be found there.’
‘Please, Eric. Please. I’ll be good. I promise. Just don’t make me wear that.’
He walked towards me, unbuckling the collar. ‘You know, Shelly, I’m unsure if I’ll ever be able to trust you again. You’re a liar. Scum. Lower than scum.’
I shook and sobbed as he put the black collar around my neck. ‘See, that’s not too bad.’
I didn’t answer.
‘Answer, bitch. Tell me you like it.’
‘I like it,’ I managed to say while sobbing.
‘Now, let’s go for that hike.’
Eric held the leash while I walked in front of him. If I went too fast, he pulled on the leash to slow me down. Just like a dog. A million thoughts ran through my mind. Was he going to kill me? Could I get him to let go of the leash and make a run for it? I was better off dead.
‘You’re awfully quiet, Shelly.’
I didn’t answer. I just kept walking.
He pulled on the leash and my neck jerked. I stopped and coughed. My neck hurt and I rubbed it.
‘Good girl. You’re learning. Walk.’
I resumed walking. I was surprised he hadn’t had his way with me yet. Just as I thought it he jerked the leash hard. ‘Stop! Take off your pants and get down like a dog.’
I glanced around. ‘But what if someone sees us?’
‘No one is going to see us.’ He unzipped his pants.
My entire body shook as I took off my pants like he’d instructed.
‘Now, down on all fours.’ He clenched his teeth.
‘Please, Eric. Please don’t do this,’ I pleaded.
‘I said get down!’ He took off his jeans and pulled out his belt. ‘If you don’t listen, I will whip you with this.’
I fell to the ground and got up on all fours like he’d instructed. I noticed a palm-sized rock inches from my right hand. A thought crossed my mind. Could I do it? Was it too risky? What did I have to lose?
Just as he was about to enter me from behind I picked up the rock, turned around and nailed him right in the balls.
‘You fuckin’ bitch!’ he screamed.
I ran as fast as I could, the leash dangling from my neck and naked from the waist down.
I couldn’t go back to the cabin. Think, think, think, Shelly. I remembered there was a natural water spring that had dried up years ago. The stone structure housing the spring was built in the side of a small hill. Maybe I could hide there. I wondered how close Eric was. I didn’t hear him yelling anymore. I wanted to turn around and check, but I didn’t dare slow down.
I stumbled on a raised tree root and flew through the air, slamming face first into the ground. I used my hands to push up and just as I was about to stand and start running again, my legs were kicked out from under me.
Eric stood over me, baring his teeth like a vicious black bear. ‘Now you’re really in trouble, you bitch!’
I looked around for another rock or stick, anything I could use as a weapon. I grabbed a small pointy twig. Maybe I could jab him in the eye with it.
‘Now, now, now, Shelly,’ he said. ‘Drop the stick. Be a nice bitch.’
I held up the stick and threw it down. Just as I hoped, his eyes diverted to the stick and I slammed my foot into his groin as hard as I could. It was enough of a diversion that I could take off running again.
I found the spring. It was covered with brush and had I not known it was there, I would’ve missed it. I crawled inside and started to hyperventilate. I hated small spaces, and I imagined snakes slithering beneath me and spiders crawling all around.
Breathe slowly, Shelly. Calm down. Just breathe. In. And out. In. And out.
I heard him call my name. He was getting closer.
‘Shel-lee. Where are you?’ His voice was sing-songy. ‘It’s not nice of you to run away.’
My heart was beating so fast and so loudly I thought for sure the sound of it would lead him straight to me. My body shook in fear. I had placed myself in a dark hole and there was only one way out.
I felt the ground and touched what I thought was some sort of bottle.
I heard his feet crunching on the leaves. By the sound of Eric’s voice, he was standing above me. If he walked down the side of the hill, the spring would be to his left or his right. And if he looked inside, he’d find me.
I never really understood what people meant when they talked about their lives flashing before their eyes. And I’m still not sure it’s exactly what I experienced, but something happened. Time slowed down and my entire life replayed in flash images in my mind, but there was no sound. It was as if I were watching a silent movie, the images melting one into the other. Mom and Jackie. Mom and me. Drunken Mom. Mean Mom.
‘There you are!’ A strong arm pulled me out of the dark spring and I broke the glass bottle, stabbing Eric in the neck. Blood spurted out.
‘You bitch. You fucking bitch!’
Chapter 39
I ran as fast as I could back to the cabin. My chest hurt and my lungs burned but I didn’t stop.
Eric had tossed the keys on the table when we left. I needed to get back to the table and get those keys.
I could see the cabin straight ahead. I was almost there. Just a few more steps. I flew into the house and grabbed the keys and fled to my car. I stuck the keys in. The car wouldn’t start. I tried again. And again. I slammed the palm of my hand on the steering wheel.
The door opened. And Eric pulled me out. He was covered in blood and had a crazed look on his face. ‘It looks like we’ve got a lot of training to do.’
‘Please, Eric. Don’t. Just let me go.’
He grabbed my arm. ‘Only when I’m ready.’
I struggled as he pulled me towards the cabin. When we got inside, he forced me to sit on one of the wooden dining-room chairs. I watched as he opened his satchel and took out a coil of rope and a clown mask.
My cell phone rang. I knew from the ringtone it was Jackie. ‘I should answer that. It’s Jackie. If I don’t answer, she’ll think something’s wrong.’
Eric handed me the phone. ‘Put it on speaker.’
I nodded and answered. ‘Hi, Jackie.’
‘You sound far away,’ she said.
‘I have the phone on speaker.’
‘Oh. Okay. I was thinking of coming up earlier to go on another hike.’
‘Wish I could but I twisted my ankle. It hurts like hell.’
‘You what?’
‘Twisted my ankle.’
‘Ouchh! Have you put ice on it?’
‘I’m doing that now.’
‘Good. I’ll call later.’
‘Okay.’
‘Love you.’
‘Love you, too.’
I hung up the phone and Eric grabbed it from me and placed it on the table beside the knife he’d used earlier to cut off my bra.
‘Look at you two. I love you. I love you, too.’ Eric mocked. ‘You both are pathetic.’
‘Eric,’ I cried. ‘What’s happened to you?’
He slapped my face. ‘You! You made me like this! It’s your fault. Everything was progressing nicely until you decided to leave. No one leaves me, Shelly. No one.’
‘What about Lisa?’
He leaned down and his face was so close that when he talked I felt spit splatter my face. ‘She’s a whore. Just like you.’
I wanted to keep talking because Eric hadn’t finished tying my legs and my hands were still free. If I could keep him preoccupied, maybe he wouldn’t remember, and I could make a run for it.
He walked to the refrigerator and grabbed a beer. Just as he was popping the lid, I lunged for the knife on the table.
Eric laughed. ‘Do you really think you’re going to use that on me? You’re nothing but a coward.’
I wielded the knife in front of me. ‘Don’t come any closer. I will use this.’
He stepped closer. ‘You don’t have the balls to use that knife. You’re pathetic. A loser with a capital L. Maybe I should get a big L tattooed on your butt. Would you like that? Would you?’
I sobbed as he got closer. I knew I wouldn’t be able to outrun him. My only chance was to stab him. I focused on his body moving closer to mine. I pictured plunging the knife into his chest. I would only get one opportunity, so I needed to focus and not falter, even for a second.
He screamed like a wild man and lunged for the knife. I stabbed him in the arm as hard as I could. He fell to the floor and rolled in pain. He was covered in blood and I stood there in shock, unable to move.
I heard police sirens. Jackie had understood. I ran out the door as police cruisers barreled down the lane with their sirens blaring and lights flashing. I collapsed on the ground as the police, guns drawn, surrounded the house.
The next thing I remember is being loaded into an ambulance.
I was taken to the hospital where I was treated and given a sedative. When I woke up, Jackie was sitting next to my bed.
I reached for her hand. ‘Thank you.’
I could tell Jackie was crying because her face was blotchy red. ‘I just wish I hadn’t gone home.’
Tears started to roll down my cheeks. ‘Jackie, this isn’t your fault.’
‘But if I’d stayed…’
‘If you’d stayed, he might have hurt us both. And if you’d stayed, you wouldn’t have gotten the message and knew to call the police. You saved me.’
We hugged, and I knew that my life would never be the same.
Epilogue
A year later
Looking back, I see all the red flags. I see the little things I dismissed that weren’t little at all. I see the excuses I made and the numerous times I didn’t listen to my inner self. It’s terrifying to realize that the person I thought I knew well was not that person at all.
I feel a cocktail of emotions: shock, shame, confusion and sadness. I can’t believe I was in such a painful and toxic relationship. How could I be the love of Eric’s life one moment and his whore, less than a zero, the next? How did I not love myself enough to walk away sooner? How did I not protect myself, financially and otherwise? How could I be so stupid?
I’d be lying if I told you I’ve completely healed. I still have bad days. I still doubt myself. I still fear being conned by a man. Sometimes I’m convinced that every man I meet is a narcissist in disguise.
Overcoming the self-blame, triggered by my feelings of guilt, shame and unworthiness, was more difficult than I imagined. But slowly my feelings of disempowerment have healed and I have managed to forgive myself.
Whenever I stand naked in front of the mirror, I see the scars under my pancake breasts. Scars that will be there forever, reminders of the hell I have survived. As soon as I could, I had the implants removed. I learned that changing myself to make someone else happy only makes me miserable. If a man can’t accept me for who I am, they aren’t worth having. No one has the right to tell me what I need or what is wrong with me.
I’m slowly rebuilding my confidence. I reached out for help and although my journey is far from over, each day is a little brighter than the last.
Just recently I heard from Matt, my high school sweetheart. We’ve been talking over the phone, nothing more. I’m not sure there will ever be more with anyone. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust or love a man again. Sometimes I feel so damaged I can’t possibly see how anyone would want me.
Eric is in jail. It turns out there was more evil in him than I ever could’ve imagined. He secretly taped tenants in the houses he rented to coeds. He installed tiny cameras in the bathrooms and bedrooms, hiding them behind mirrors and in cabinets and ceiling fans. Some of the cameras turned on with the flip of a light switch. The cameras fed the images to a recording system in the basement, and he viewed them via the internet.
Along with the videos, there were various bondage items in the satchel along with panties, each tagged with a woman’s name. He apparently collected lingerie from the women he abused.
I don’t know what I would’ve done without Jackie and Bruce. They pulled me from the rubble and helped me pick up the pieces of my broken life. I moved back near them.
I’m thankful I found Lisa, who has helped me heal. We’ve compared notes, though her journey was so different to my own. We both endured the verbal and physical abuse and have survived with enough scars to last a lifetime.
I long to share my story, to help others who might be caught in a narcissist’s web of lies and deceit. You’re stronger than you think. Braver than you realize. You will survive. It’s not easy. It doesn’t happen overnight. But one day you’ll be able to look back on the time you spent with your narcissist and realize that you made it out.
You survived.
You’re a winner.
You matter.
They are nothing.
Acknowledgments
Read on for a sneak peek at A Year of Second Chances…
Chapter 1
I kept telling myself I wasn’t going to die, that the radiologist simply wanted to double-check my right breast to make sure it was as benign as the left. Nothing more than a big ball of size 36C fat. But the C word kept popping up like that irritating ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’ message I always seem to get after scanning every third item at self-checkout.
I called Shonna on my way to the imaging center. I’d already talked to my bestie the night before and she’d calmed me down, but I needed her reassurance again.
‘I think I’m going to die,’ I blurted into the phone.
I could hear Shonna turn on the faucet.
‘Are you listening to me? I said I think I’m going to die.’
‘Now stop it. We talked about this last night. Don’t jump to conclusions. Even if they find something it doesn’t mean you’ll die. They probably just saw something suspicious and want to take a closer look. I’ve had other friends who’ve had mammogram callbacks and they turned out to be nothing.’
‘But what if it’s something?’ I pushed.
‘Then we’ll deal with it, but remember, ninety-nine percent of the things we worry about never happen.’
‘I know you’re right, but I can’t help thinking the worst. I’ve never received a callback before.’
‘Deep breaths, Scarlett. One step at a time. For now they simply want to get a closer look.’
By the time I arrived at the imaging center, my heart felt like it was going to pop out of my chest. I tried to calm myself by taking deep breaths. My anxiety was surely even greater because my boss’s mother had had breast cancer and died, so of course that’s all I could think about.
The imaging center was busier than during my previous visit, but I found a seat in the back facing the wall. I didn’t feel like exchanging small pleasantries with anyone. I just wanted to get the scanning over with and find out if I had the big C. Would I divide my life BC/AC, Before Cancer/After Cancer, I wondered.
Finally, I was called back by a technician who introduced herself as Linda. She looked to be about my age. I changed into a pink floral top that snapped down the front and followed Linda into a room with a huge white machine standing in the middle of it.
‘Please, sit down,’ she said. ‘Do you know the date of your last period?’
I reached inside my purse and pulled out my monthly pocket calendar. I noted when I got my period by writing a P in the tiny date boxes, a habit that had carried over from my teen years when there really was a chance I could get pregnant because I actually did have sex. ‘April 20.’
‘Are you sexually active?’
/>
I shook my head.
‘I’m sorry, is that a no?’
Yes, it’s a no. I haven’t had anything hard in five years!
‘Yes. I mean no, I haven’t had sexual relations with anyone for quite some time.’
Linda furrowed her brows. ‘Oh, okay.’
She thinks I’m weird. Should I explain I want to have sex but there’s no one special in my life and I’m not into hooking up?
No, let it go. I can’t be the only forty-nine-year-old who’s wasting the prime years of her life on a purple rabbit vibrator I nicknamed Jack.
Linda nodded at the machine. ‘Stand in front and slip your right arm out of your top.’
I stood and walked over to the machine and did what she said. She peeled off a little sticker with a tiny bead in the middle of it. ‘I’m going to mark your nipple. It helps the radiologist who reads the mammogram. We wouldn’t want him to mistake it for an abnormality.’
How can a nipple be mistaken for an abnormality?
‘If the nipple rolls during compression the area might look suspicious.’
She read my mind.
‘Think of your nipple like the North Star,’ she continued. ‘It’s a point of reference for the radiologist and helps him read the mammogram.’
Visualizing my nipple lighting up the north sky made me giggle.
She thinks my nipple is big. It is big. Big and probably cancerous. Mike always liked my nipples. Screw Mike. Stop it, Scarlett.
I stepped towards the machine, placing my hand where Linda had instructed. I winced as she positioned my breast against the cold support plate and compressed it, flattening it out like she was prepping a piece of chicken to coat with bread crumbs and seasoning and bake.
‘Are you okay?’
I nodded. Just take the damn picture.
Linda dashed to the console behind a see-through barrier to take the image. ‘Don’t breathe, don’t move.’
I held my breath and exhaled seconds later when the compression plate retreated.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked.
I nodded. ‘We women know how to take pressure!’
The Perfect Husband Page 19
