by Ryan Michele
While she washed me quickly, I felt so damn defeated and worn I didn’t put up a fight. Nor did I help her when she dressed me, nor did I when she made me get into the car. It was like I was floating over my body. I could see everything that was happening, but I was too out of it to care.
When Andi pulled up to Zachariah Hospital … That was the moment I snapped together, reality slapping me across the face in a powerful blow.
She wasn’t! She couldn’t! She was my best friend! She wouldn’t do this to me!
“What are you doing?” I asked her through a very scratchy throat.
With her voice lowered, sounding resigned and sad, she said, “Helping you.”
“By doing …?” I asked just as she threw the car into park and two very large men dressed all in white came up to my door. “You didn’t!” I gasped, feeling my heart break all over again.
She turned fully toward me. “You need this. I don’t know how to help you, and you’re scaring the shit out of me, Reign. Then today…” She shook her head, closing her eyes, pain etched on her face. “I know I take the risk of you hating me because of this, and as much as that kills me, I have to. I can’t lose you.” When she opened her eyes again, tears were streaming down her face.
Somehow, I snapped to alert enough to defend myself. It was pure instinct taking over as the panic set in. “I can’t go in there, Andi,” I told her bluntly, having her words cut me, not wanting to go. “I can fix myself. I promise. You know I can’t be in there.” I gave her a pleading look.
“I…” She started, but I dug deeper.
“You know my mom used to bring me to the doctors all the time when my daddy beat the hell out of me. I’ve been poked and prodded, asked all kinds of questions that I couldn’t answer. They stuck needles in me and scared the ever-loving shit out of me. You can’t leave me here.”
Being in hospitals all the time was the reason I was taken away from my biological mother when I was six. I didn’t understand it at the time. Hell, I still didn’t understand why she let him beat on me all the time and never stopped him. I looked it up on the internet once and read about something called Munchausen syndrome and wondered if that was what my mother had, because why else would she take me to the doctor after my father hurt me? Didn’t she fear she would get in trouble?
“I know,” she whispered. “I love you. You are the best friend a woman could ask for.”
I looked at her, wide-eyed. She was going to do it. I wasn’t going to change her mind. I had to change her mind, though.
Before I could speak, she continued, “Nothing I do is helping. You have to go in there so you can get better.”
“No,” I answered instantly. “I’m better.” I perked up as I felt the guys outside my door jiggling the handle. “I promise, Andi. I’ll be fine,” I tried. I was frantic, grasping at straws, hoping she would buy it. I scrounged around for anything to make her change her mind. “Child Protective Services brought me here when a foster brother of mine decided to cut me in my sleep,” I blurted, trying anything I could come up with so she wouldn’t let them take me.
Andi’s eyes clouded as more pain filled them. I thought I had hit the nail on the head, but…
“I can’t. This isn’t going to work. You need this. It’s for your own good.”
I exploded, the anger bursting out uncontrollably when I realized I wasn’t going to change her mind. I completely lost it.
“You fucking bitch! I can’t believe you are doing this to me!” I clenched my hands into fists and pounded them into the dashboard hard. The doors to the car unlocked, and my head swung frantically to where the guys were coming at me. “You’re a fucking bitch! I hate you! I’m gonna die hating you! Remember that!” I yelled as the two guys each grabbed one of my arms and hauled me out of the car. I kept yelling at Andi, spewing nasty thing after nasty thing, riding on panic. Everything inside me was on edge.
I looked back to Andi, seeing her tears coating her face along with agony.
“You can die hating me, but I can rest knowing I tried and loved you through this,” she said.
I was too pissed to care.
I fought. I did. The first needle they tried to stick me with fell to the floor because I kicked so much. The guys had ahold of my arms pretty tightly, so the only things I had were my legs. The second needle didn’t miss, and I screamed at the sharp pain just before I passed out.
***
Slowly blinking my eyes, I felt as if there were sand in them. I reached up to rub them, only to find my arms and ankles were attached to the bed. My mouth was dry from the sterile air of the room as I inhaled deeply, smelling disinfectant and that distinct smell of hospital. The beeping machines did nothing to calm the panic as it hit me head-on. I thrashed back and forth on the scratchy sheet, wailing, my arms and legs wanting to be free.
It wasn’t long before a woman wearing kitten-covered scrubs appeared by the door with a small smile on her face. I didn’t know what the hell there was to smile about.
“You’re awake,” she said in some damn, sing-song, happy voice.
Puke.
“Get these off.” I raised my arms as far as the white straps would allow, which wasn’t far, flailing them for emphasis.
She stepped into the room. “Sorry, Reign. I can’t do that.”
“Yes, you can,” I told her sternly.
“Nope.” She began checking all of the machines around me. That was when I noticed my hand had IVs plugged into it.
“What are you putting in me?”
She tapped the tube coming down from a large bag with her index finger, turning toward me. Her eyes were a chocolate brown that was so warm it could melt ice. Too bad it had no chance of working on me whatsoever.
“Fluids. You are severely dehydrated, not to mention very malnourished, young lady. Until we get you back where you should be, you’ll remain hooked up.”
“That doesn’t mean you can’t take the straps off!” I barked.
She smiled knowingly. “I’m not stupid. I’ve been doing this for more than twenty years, young lady.”
I strained my head and torso, trying to get up from the bed. “You bitch! Let me up!”
“Now, Ms. Owens, if you don’t lie down, I’ll have to sedate you.”
“Fuck you!” I snapped, not giving a shit if she sedated me or not. My blood thumped through my veins as I let the anger out.
“No, thanks.” She reached into her pocket. “Maybe, next time you wake up, you’ll be a bit calmer.”
I snarled at her as she injected something into my IV. Then everything went black.
This routine went on for what felt like days. I had no idea how long. I hadn’t been keeping track of days since I found out Drew was alive. However, it felt like I was in and out for a lifetime.
The one good thing about it was I liked being out. When I was out, I couldn’t think. I couldn’t let my mind race about Drew or Andi. I could simply sleep, something I had never done in my life. All the pain just melted away. I looked forward to the syringe. It was becoming my escape.
That was when the nurse stopped putting me under as much. It was like she had a nurse radar and could tell I was enjoying myself, and she wanted to stop it like the evil witch she was. One thing in my life that I actually enjoyed and she had to be a bitch and take it away.
No amount of name calling or threats did it after that. Nothing. It was like she totally tuned everything I said out. I could call her a fat bitch who needed to get laid, and she would just laugh at me. Yes, fucking laugh! Her comment was “Honey, you have no idea.”
One good thing was I couldn’t have any visitors, so I knew that traitorous Andi wouldn’t be showing up any time soon. I couldn’t bear to look at her. She had done this to me. She had put me in here.
One morning, the nurse came in, all happy and smiling like sunshine.
“What?” I groaned, seeing the light shining in from my lone window. I had been tied up a really long time, and the only reason my musc
les didn’t ache was because, while I slept or was sedated, Nurse Hatchet, or whatever her name was, said she stretched them. Otherwise, I would be in a lot of pain. At least she did one nice thing. Then again, it was her job, so she didn’t do it to be kind.
“You have an appointment this morning,” she said, moving the now unused machines out of her way to get to the other side of the bed.
The doctor came in and said I was physically fine, so I got the tubes out. When I didn’t want to eat, Nurse Hatchet told me if I didn’t, she was going to plug me up again. Therefore, I ate a little to keep her off my back.
“With…?” I asked.
“Dr. McMann.”
I raised my brow. “Like the wrestler guy?”
She chuckled. “Nope, as in the psychiatrist.”
My heart fell. I didn’t want to see a shrink. I didn’t need to know the thousands of ways I was fucked in the head. I especially didn’t need someone to tell me those thousands of ways. I knew what they were. That was why I wanted away from this life. I also didn’t need someone trying to pump drugs in me at every turn. No, thank you.
“No,” I said as adamantly as I could.
“You don’t have a choice.”
“No. I’ll pitch a fit until you have no choice but to put me under.” I tried conniving, knowing she wouldn’t give in. If she didn’t give in when I called her a come guzzling, road whore and instead, laughed at my creativity, then she wasn’t budging at that point.
She shook her head. “Young lady, don’t you know that, if you’re going to do something like that, it’s best not to tell anyone so they can’t do anything to stop it? Look, I’m gonna be straight with ya, because if I was in here, I’d want someone to be straight with me.”
I was in shock at her tone. This wasn’t ray of morning sunshine nurse. No, this was dead serious, about to tell me like it was nurse. The change in her face was a bit disturbing. How she could switch so fast was a bit alarming.
“You want out of here?” She looked at me expectantly, so I nodded my head. “The only way to do that is to talk to the people here and get yourself together. They aren’t going to release you until you do.”
“Why not? I’m an adult. I should be able to sign myself out.” I didn’t know the exact law, but I thought I had the right to refuse any medical treatment.
“True, but you’ve been determined to be a threat to yourself and others.”
I stilled. Others?
“What?”
“Yep, and the only way to get out of here is to follow what we tell you and do what we tell you.” She lifted her brows.
“I don’t get how I’m a danger to others,” I told her.
“Holding a gun on your friend.”
A red haze went over my eyes, and strength I thought I had lost long ago came with it. Anger bubbled in my veins, setting my skin on fire.
“She told you that?” That lying little bitch!
Nurse Hatchet pulled up the lone chair in the room that had yet to be used during my stay. She grabbed my hand, and I instantly pulled away, though I was stopped by the white straps. She didn’t stop and grabbed my hand, anyway. My skin felt superhot from her touch. I wanted to shake it off, shake her off.
“None of that matters.”
“The hell it doesn’t.” My hands began shaking with the anger floating around me.
She squeezed my hand hard, either to settle me or comfort me. I didn’t know which and didn’t give a shit.
“You think I don’t know that girl lied to get you in here? I know it and you know it. Her reasons for doing it are her own. Bottom line, at this point, it doesn’t matter. Your behavior over the time you’ve been here has proven to the doctors that you need to be here. You can’t blame your friend for that.”
The hell I couldn’t. She was the reason I was here. Regardless, I listened to what nurse Hatchet said and kept my mouth shut, even if I was thinking, I hate you.
“You did try to take your life, Reign. Let’s not forget that.”
“You have no idea what I’ve gone through,” I snapped back, again pulling at my hand yet getting nowhere.
“I know more than you think, young lady.”
My head jerked.
“Right now, we need to get you ready, and be warned, if you take a swing at me, I do fight back.” She winked at me, rose from the chair, and did what she wanted me to do.
***
Boring. Absolutely, positively boring. Wrestler McMann went through everything I had ever told Andi from a manila folder, which proved nothing except that he could read. Good for him.
I ached when he talked about Drew, felt strange when he talked about Andi, and didn’t know what to make of any of it. He asked me questions, which I mostly answered with one word or a nod of the head. I didn’t feel comfortable with him.
It wasn’t his appearance, which let me tell you, was nothing to tell a best friend about if I had one. He was round, short, and had a patch of hair that he combed over, trying to make it look like he had hair on the top of his head. He also had thick glasses that made him look like a closed-off snob. Like I wanted to open up to someone like that. Uh, no, thank you.
He told me that I was a very negative person and needed to find some positives. The only one that I could come up with was that, since I was on such alert here, I didn’t have time to fall down the dark hole that is my life. It was still there, waving like a pool of water under my feet, but my focus was on this place.
The first order of business here was to get out. If that meant I had to play this sick, little game, I would do it. I had played lots of games in my life. This one should be no different. Second, make it all end.
“That was a good session. I feel like you did great. We will do these twice a day for the next week.”
The next fucking week? Was that how long they were planning on keeping me here?
***
Drew came into my room after school with a look of fierceness. I was in tears again. It wasn’t the first time, and I was sure it wouldn’t be the last.
The girls at school were horrible, teasing and tormenting me at every turn. Today in the girls’ locker room, the ring leader of them all, Tonya, started in on my small boobs. She said no one, not even Drew, would want some flat-chested girl. The words kept coming out of her mouth over and over again. I couldn’t escape them. I ran and hid in the girls’ bathroom down the hall until the last bell rang.
Drew hadn’t said a word to me as we walked home. He knew something was wrong, but he let me deal. He also knew I would tell him in time.
Drew came right to me, and I didn’t hesitate to throw my arms around him, burrowing my head in the only safe haven I had. As the tears fell, he didn’t let me go.
Suddenly, Drew’s body was limp in my arms, all of his weight pressing on me.
I moved my head back only to see blood coming from his eyes and mouth, pouring all over me.
I woke with a jolt, my arms unable to move, which only made me fight harder. The images of Drew burned my eyes. I wanted to get up. I wanted to check the locks, make sure no one could get in. However, I was stuck to this bed in this hospital. I couldn’t move in this white, sterile place. I was trapped not only here, but in my head. I felt like a prisoner in both places.
I allowed the tears to fall, never succumbing to sleep.
That stupid, little, baldheaded prick was what I thought, but I didn’t say it as I stared at my shrink. For days we had been at this, and the only good thing was Nurse Hatchet didn’t make me wear the restraints on my arms. She put me in a room that had nothing sharp in it, but at least I wasn’t confined. That shit made my head swim.
There was no defending myself if something were to happen. I would have been at their mercy and stuck. I avoided getting stuck at all costs. It was a little ironic here, though, because each time I got up to check to see if the door was locked, it was, but from the outside. It did little to help my anxiety. While it used to comfort me to check the doors, in here, it o
nly added to my unease.
Today, this asshole decided to get into the nitty-gritty of my time at the Petersons’.
I tried hard to keep my answers simple. I tried hard not to let everything hang out.
He looked over at me from his desk. “Tell me how you feel.”
I sat in a chair across from him as he played with the corner of his glasses. I thought for sure he would take them off at any moment and put one end in his mouth like those corny TV shows, but he didn’t.
“I want to know what is going on in that head of yours. I want to know what it felt like when you saw Drew kiss the other woman or when the child ran up in his arms.”
My insides turned to ice and my throat began to close, suffocating me. I had blocked as much of that moment out of my head as I could, just trying to get myself out of here and putting all my strength into that. I didn’t want to think of it right then, but he didn’t stop.
He just kept pushing.
“How did you feel when the three of them went into the house?”
Nope. I wasn’t doing it. Instead, I gripped the chair, holding on for dear life, using it to keep me firmly planted in the room.
“How did seeing Drew take off with his family and leave you behind, yet again, feel?”
The way he said family hit me in the gut. The knife already lodged inside twisted its serrated blades, shredding me to the depths of my core. There was no going back from that one. Nope. Nothing.
My heart constricted at the thought of Drew playing with his son out on that big front lawn while his woman sat watching, smiles on all three of their faces. The deepest recesses of my soul came to the surface, and I couldn’t push them back.
Tears streaked my cheeks as I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my body, trying to hold myself together. I had been focusing so hard on getting out of here that the vault I had all these emotions in was left unguarded and sprang open. The swirling tornado sucked me into its depths, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
