by Ryan Michele
I could totally relate to what she was saying. I never fit in at any school. I never had the right clothes, hair, makeup, nothing.
“Anyway, one night, I’d had enough, so I downed a bottle of my grandfather’s heart medication. I had no idea what it would do to me; I was just hoping everything in my head would stop.” I understood that. “It did until I was brought back. I spent two years in a place like this. Because I was a minor, I had no say so.”
She turned to me. “Reign, being in that place was horrible, having to relive things over and over and over again every day. I hated it. I hated my grandparents for putting me there. I hated the world. I hated me. I mean, why did I have to live while my family died? I get it,” she said, putting her other hand on top of mine.
I started, breathed deeply, and left my hand where it was.
“I learned something during my time there. I learned I had control of what I did with my life. I had none when it came to the woman who destroyed my life. I had none when it came to my parents being alive, but I could control what I did with me. That was the point in my life when I picked myself up from the ground and began to take control of my life.”
I said nothing. I couldn’t. I was stunned, shocked, and just in awe of everything she had said.
“Enough of that. Let’s go to your appointment.”
Nurse Hatchet felt it. She felt the darkness. She understood it, lived it, and she was there right then, helping me. She broke through it to become … happy. She tried to end it, just like me, to end the pain, but look at her. She was helping others, and I never would have guessed she had lived that past.
Something twitched in my soul, but I was too afraid to put a name to it. Afraid of that “H” word that meant there was a way to get through it, to see the light, just like Nurse Hatchet had done. Was it possible?
The walk down to Dr. McMann’s office was spent with thoughts of Nurse Hatchet and the words power and control banging around like drums. I wanted them both. I needed them both. I had never had either, at least not fully. Even living and working, I never felt like I was in control of anything. I always felt that everything could blow up at any minute, and I would be dragged back into physical hell.
Lynx sat in his chair, his tattooed arms crossed over his wide chest, legs outstretched, looking like he owned the space. Dr. McMann sat behind his desk as usual, and I took my seat as Nurse Hatchet left me.
Power and control. Power and control.
The doctor inspected me like looking at me would show him the window to my soul. “How are you today, Reign?”
“Fine.” I used the universal language of women. Fine meant so many things it needed to have three pages in the dictionary.
He turned to Lynx, “You?”
“Great.” His voice was utterly sarcastic, and that little spot inside me wanted to smile again.
Before the doctor asked any more questions, I turned to Lynx. “Knowledge is power. How would knowing why my parents treated me the way they did give me that?”
Lynx smirked, tipping up the side of his mouth that had the scar. For the first time since Drew, my stomach did a small spasm, although I ignored it.
“That was what started you on this path in life. Why wouldn’t you want to know?” he retorted.
“I’d never really put any thought into it. I took it at face value.”
He and I carried on this conversation like the doctor wasn’t in the room, watching the back and forth. I really didn’t care. All that mattered was getting the information from Lynx, finding out what to do with these small tingles of feelings that were beginning to invade me and how to use them.
He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth then popped it out. “That’s what you need to realize. Everything is deeper than face value. You have to get the whole story.”
I pulled my legs up underneath my butt, giving Lynx my full attention. “But why does it matter now?”
He leaned forward, yet I didn’t feel threatened by it as I normally would have. If anything, I had to stop my body from moving closer to hear what he was going to say.
“Because you never know what you might uncover,” he said mysteriously. I didn’t really know how to take that. “Getting back your power will pull you up to the light.”
My breath caught as my eyes widened. The light? Did I want the light? I thought back to Andi and how her light made me feel when the warmth of it wrapped around me.
I sat there for a long time, just processing what he had said. Then it hit me.
“You’ve been inside one of these places before,” I stated as I began to figure out my new therapy partner.
“This is my fourth time, and I’m sure it won’t be my last.” He leaned back, lacing his fingers together and putting them behind his head. “Most of this shit”—he nodded to the room and I guessed he was talking about being here—“is common sense. It’s just we get in our heads from time to time and have a hard time getting out.”
“Is that how you got so smart?” I teased, my breath catching.
Did I just tease this man? Holy shit, I did. What in the hell was wrong with me? Where in the hell did this easy camaraderie between Lynx and me come from?
I realized in that moment how I had totally lost control; the roller-coaster emotions were taking me for the ride of my life, going up and down, killing me slowly. I felt like I was unraveling.
When his smirk came back out like he knew exactly what was running through my head, I didn’t like that at all. He needed to stay far out of there if we were going to make it through this session.
“Babe, you have no idea.”
Babe? I did not know why his calling me that clicked in my brain, but it did. I liked it. Holy hell, how could I like that?
“All right. Let’s get down to it,” the doctor interrupted. “Tell us about Drew.”
The one name snapped me out of my thoughts of power and control, the hard rock of my life falling heavily in my gut.
Drew. My Drew. Reign, you want out of here … talk.
“I met Drew when I was fourteen when we were placed in the same foster home. I didn’t talk for the first two months there. I wanted to be invisible, but Drew pushed. We connected on several levels, but mainly because we were both alone in this world. We had no one, and eventually, all we had was each other.” As I spoke, neither man in the room said anything, as if they wanted to hear what I had to say, and once I got going, I didn’t want to stop. It was nice reliving the old me and Drew, remembering the happier times. It had been a long time since I had allowed those thoughts to come through instead of the final ones I had.
“I ran away that night.” I told them after reliving again that fateful night. “I hated living on the streets, but it was better than where I was. At least, out there, I could choose whom I slept with and what I got for it in return.” I surprised the hell out of myself by refusing to dwell and continuing. “Anyway, I saw some crazy shit out there, but I survived.”
“You sure did,” the doctor said. “I know there is more to your time on the streets, but I’d like to get to the point where you learned Drew was alive.”
“My best friend Andi wanted me to have closure with Drew and suggested I go to his grave.”
Lynx said nothing, only uncrossing and crossing his arms or legs every once in a while as I dredged up all those feelings again and felt the hollow get deeper in my soul. It was pulling me back under, and I couldn’t stop it as I spoke. The dreams I had when I was young with Drew vanished in a puff of smoke.
Lynx leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees. “Why don’t you just talk to him?”
“Pardon?”
He shrugged. “You know, talk to the guy. Even if he has a woman and kid, you could still talk to him, get your closure another way.”
Talk to him, another thing I either hadn’t thought of or was pushing from my head. I wasn’t sure which.
“I can’t,” I told him.
His brow furrowed as he challenged, “Why no
t?”
“Do you think I want to hear about his happy life? His wife, kid, and how he’s got this perfect life going on? Do you think that will help me in any way?”
He shrugged. “You never know.”
“I think,” the doctor started, snapping my attention to him, “that before you talk with Drew, you need to find you—the woman you are inside. You may be surprised.” His cryptic words freaked me out.
“I have no idea who I am, doc, and I’m not sure I’ll ever find out,” I said honestly. I hadn’t ever known.
“That is why you need knowledge. It’ll give you power. The power will give you strength. In that strength, you can find you,” Lynx said.
I gaped at him in shock. Who the hell was this guy, and what planet had he beamed down from?
“How? Where do you propose I start on this information quest, oh knowledgeable one?” I asked.
He let out a surprised chuckle then covered it up. “Your mother, of course.”
I wanted to take what he had said as a smart-ass ‘duh,’ but it wasn’t that. He was being totally serious. Deep down, I could feel that he really wanted to help me, which was bizarre.
“You’re in luck. I’m a wiz at finding out information.”
I raised my brow in question, and he gave me a one-armed shrug.
“I wasn’t just killing guys in the Army. I picked up a few things.”
Surely, I had heard him wrong. “You’re telling me you’d help me?”
“As long as you don’t bitch too much,” he quipped, but I knew he was teasing me because his eyes were light-hearted.
I didn’t know what to make of it, but I knew that a favor always granted a favor, at least in my world.
“What do I have to do in return?” I demanded.
“Not a damn thing.”
I sat, my eyes glued to Lynx. “Answer me this.”
It was his turn to talk today, and I wanted to listen. I wanted to know more of why he was here. More to the point, I wanted to know why the hell he had been in here four times. Once would be enough for anyone.
“Why four times?”
He quirked his brow. “In here?”
I nodded as he sat back in his chair, relaxed as can be.
Last night, while I lay in my room, I replayed what I could remember of my time with my mother and father, which let’s be straight, wasn’t much. I remembered my mother’s gangly brown hair and eyes that were always cold. I remembered my father striking me on several occasions; that all kind of blended together. But something that got me, that stuck out in my head, was the sadness behind my mother’s cold eyes. I didn’t dare think it was sadness for me, but I remembered it being there.
I asked for a paper and pencil yet got a paper and crayon, instead. Whatever. It worked. I wrote down everything that popped into my head, even the smallest thing regardless whether I could remember if it was an actual memory or something I had made up in my head over the years. I would have to sort that out later.
I wouldn’t say I felt better falling asleep, but I did feel different and couldn’t put my finger on it.
As much as I wanted to ask Lynx what he thought about it, when we first got in here, the doctor started pulling Lynx into a conversation, and my curiosity had been piqued, so I had my own questions for him.
“The first time was about three months after I got back. My folks are good people, but they didn’t know how to ‘fix’ me. I couldn’t sleep for shit, didn’t get why I couldn’t carry my gun on me at all times, shit like that. It’s so fucking hard to be on your guard and alert twenty-four hours a day for fear that someone is going to come up and attack you and your brothers. Then to come here where it’s not like that is a mind fuck in and of itself. Anyway, my folks checked me in, thinking I could get help for it.” He shrugged noncommittally. “I did some time and got myself out.”
I knew he didn’t seem like the type of man without parents waiting for him, although I had started to wonder about his family.
I cut in. “Do you have brothers and sisters?”
“One younger sister. She’s cool.”
I refused to pay mind to the dull ache that formed in my gut, but it seized me anyway.
“So, you have people who actually give a shit about you, and you want to spend your time here?”
Lynx turned his full attention to me like he knew I was having a hard time with this concept, like he knew I was suffering an inner turmoil. I didn’t know what to make of that.
“You can have good people around you, but that doesn’t fix what’s going on in your head. Yeah, I have a mom, dad, and sister, but you can be in a room of people and still feel absolutely alone.” He paused, thinking, then let out a deep sigh. “I got put in here the second time because an asshole broke into my parents’ home. I was staying with them, but was out with friends. The asshole beat the shit out of them, and unlucky for him, I showed up before he left. I assessed the situation, and let’s just say the motherfucker won’t ever walk again. It’s what landed me in here again.”
“Why would that put you in here?”
“Because I fucked the guy up pretty good. He was the enemy, and with my military training, I did quite a bit of damage. I had flashes of a different time in my life as I was laying him out. I got a bit lost in my head. I was deemed a danger to others.” Through his eyes, I could see the flashes of anger for the man who had hurt his parents, but I could totally relate to the danger to others part.
The words fell from my lips. “But he beat up your parents.”
“Doesn’t matter. Once I had him knocked out and subdued, I was told I should have stopped, but I didn’t. I couldn’t make myself. That got me six months and four days in here.”
“I just don’t get that.” I didn’t. I didn’t understand how Lynx could get in trouble for protecting his family. Even if the guy was messed up, that was on the other guy for breaking into the place. “What about him? What’d he get?”
“Fucker spent a lot of time in a state health facility, so by the time he was well enough to move out, he only had six months left to serve.”
“The way of the world,” I grumbled. Didn’t I know it.
“But not my way.” The depths of Lynx’s eyes sparkled with menace.
In that moment, I wanted to ask him if he had made right by his parents, but I also knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t say a word, so I kept my mouth shut. Maybe I didn’t need to know that answer.
“Okay, so with those two and the reason you’re in this time, I know about three times; what’s the fourth?” I switched up.
“That was my own damn fault.” The room was hit with a heavy wave. The more it permeated, the more I could tell it was anger. “Had a friend who wanted to go to the fireworks for the Fourth of July. Something told me I shouldn’t have gone, but I didn’t listen. The first one went off, and I ended up taking a ride to the police station, which led me back in here.”
“The sound of the fireworks does that to you?”
He met my gaze. “Reminds me of bombs, gun shots, you name it. It puts me back in a place that I had to fight to get out of. I’m not talking about fighting to get out of my head; I mean physically fighting because I’m under attack. You don’t forget that shit. In order to survive, you have to rely on your instincts. Some sounds or situations trigger those. Then it’s like trying to tame a lion. It doesn’t happen overnight; it takes time and a fuck load of awareness.”
“I’ve only seen them once,” I said quietly.
“What?” Lynx asked.
“Fireworks. In twenty-one years, I’ve seen them once. My foster parent at the time kept saying how beautiful they were, but I kept seeing them as little explosions in the sky. I was waiting for one of them to fall in my lap and burn me. I was so terrified of it that I would panic at just the thought of going to see them or watching them on television. With my luck in life not being so great, I just knew I would be the one who got hurt if I went.” I immediately felt like an ass for putting
that out there. Here Lynx was, telling about himself and what happened to him, and I was acting like a shit. Embarrassment flooded me, and my body began to get hot. “Sorry, Lynx, I didn’t mean to—”
He stopped me by holding his hand palm up. “Babe, it’s fine. I’d much rather listen to your shit than talk about mine.”
I thought that was nice, but still. “No, I mean—”
“Reign.” My name on his tongue was the most melodic sound I had ever heard. It was low, authoritative, but still gentle. I hadn’t had much gentle in my life, and it made me pause. “I mean it. If you’ve got something to say, say it. If it brings up something for you, let it. Why do you think doc put us together?”
My head swooped toward the desk. I had totally forgotten he was sitting there. Hell, he wasn’t even watching us. He was writing something down. Thinking about it, he was probably writing down what we said.
“Babe?” he called, and I instantly turned to him like my body just knew he was talking to me. “You’re good?”
I just nodded yet kept quiet as he continued.
“So, each time they put me in here, I learned something. I never went to college, but I have always been a fast learner. My dad told me that street smarts were a hell of a lot better than book smarts. He’d say, with me knowing both, I was a deadly combination.” His thumb and pointer finger began tracing his bottom lip, and then his tongue came out to lick it.
Holy shit. Why were parts of my anatomy that I had locked up starting to give a slight tingle? I shook my head and closed my eyes, but he was too deep in thought to notice.
“He had no idea how right he’d be.”
“All right, Lynx. It’s Reign’s turn.”
My eyes shot to Wrestler McMann as I took in his words. I didn’t know why I was surprised that he switched it up on me, but I was.
“I want to talk about Andi,” he said.
The blood in my veins turned cold. While I missed her, I still blamed her for putting me in here. She was the one who had said “get your closure,” and when I did, bam, it blew up in my face.
