by Anna Howard
"Hey Ari, if you don't want to hang out, you can just say so," Austin said, plopping down at an empty picnic table. He looked tired and defeated. Crap, he must have been trying to talk to me and I was so absorbed in my own thoughts about Trevor that I completely disregarded him!
"No! Er, no. I'm so sorry babe, I'm all yours now." I smiled sweetly at him and held his hand, playing with his fingers.
"Whose were you before?" He asked hesitantly.
Whose was I? I was lost in my own thoughts, so that would mean "Myself," I said without thinking. Or maybe I was Trevor's, it was him I was thinking about.
"O-kay," He stretched out the word into two syllables.
We sat awkwardly at the table for a few silent minutes. Somehow I kept myself from thinking about Trevor more but every time I looked at Austin, I felt a pang of guilt at how my heart seemed to wish he was Trevor.
"Uh, maybe I should be getting home. I haven't showered in like, 3 days." I laughed and stood, holding out my hand to help him up.
He hesitated to touch me, and nearly flinched as he took my hand. I tell a guy I haven't showered and he will barely touch me. Well, that's not true. Trevor and I were… very intimate, you could say, last night and he never once shied away from my stinky self, and he knew full well I hadn't been home to shower. Even Collin wasn't so anal about me when he saw me after running when I was all sweaty and gross. Although that may have just been because he was thinking about sweaty sex… cue shudder.
I dropped Austin's hand immediately, and grinned sheepishly as I backed away. And then I took off running. Partly because if I really was that gross, I needed a shower ASAP, and partially because I didn't want him to see the tears forming in my eyes.
It didn't matter that we had come here in my car, and if I left alone now he'd be stranded here. I ran to my car on willing legs, and he couldn't keep up. That freshman, Lilly Wess, must have seen me running. She had to have seen Austin running after me, asking what was wrong, slowing to a stop, panting heavily. My vision became blurry with tears.
After driving for a whole two minutes to a little neighborhood just outside of the city, I had to stop and breathe. I held my shaking hands in front of me, watching them shiver and shudder, tears still streaming down my face. Austin was disgusted by me. Austin was disgusted with me. My subconscious screamed those five words at me, tearing bits of my already low self esteem with it. Of course he was disgusted with me. I was disgusted with myself. My eyes squeezed shut. No. I won't do this again.
But within a minute, I was bent over on the side of my car, puking out my guts. Just as I was finishing, I heard a door slam. I didn't think much of it, as I was in a tiny neighborhood where it was unlikely that I knew anyone.
"Ariana? Oh my gosh, Ari!" None other than Amber yelled across the street and started running toward me. There was no point in trying to avoid her. She had already seen me, and likely saw what I had just done. I sat my butt down on the asphalt and wiped my mouth on my arm, sniffling like a little girl. She stopped a few feet away, simply staring.
"What are you looking at?" I asked, hiccupping in the middle. Amber just looked at me, pity filling her eyes, and right then I dropped my head and burst out in fresh tears.
She whipped a napkin out of her purse and cleaned my face and hands, and then helped me up and into the home she had just walked out of. A little lady with the same black hair as Amber's peeked her head around a corner at the sound of the door slamming, and gasped out loud at the sight of us. She hustled out and helped Amber sit me on the couch and wrapped a thick blanket around me. She then scurried into the kitchen and came back out soon after with a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a steaming cup of tea.
I looked up at her with sad eyes, there was no way I could eat that stuff after what I had just done. I mentally scolded myself, I had told myself I wouldn't do that again! And to be so careless to do it in public? First at the school in front of Lilly, and now in front of Amber, my life was going downhill real fast. At the thought, I began sobbing even more, emptying my eye sockets until there was nothing left to cry out. Amber kneeled on the floor in front of me and softly wiped a tear from my face.
"What's wrong honey? Did you do… that, on purpose?" She asked, coming to sit next to me and holding my hand.
I shook my head. I couldn't talk yet. I leaned into her and she hugged me tight. It was then I realized her hair wasn't done, she had no makeup on, and she was wearing sweats. The last time I had seen her like this was when her 8th grade boyfriend dumped her for some bimbo, which could only mean…
"Amber, why aren't you with Drew?" I gasped, pulling away to search her face.
"Oh uh, yeah, I've been meaning to tell you… we uh, we broke up," she shrugged and looked away. Here I've been, wallowing in self pity, and my best friend broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years and I was only just finding out about it.
"Oh my… When? Why? What happened? Why haven't you told me?"
"Whoa there, one at a time," she laughed and looked at me. If I hadn't known her for so long, I wouldn't have been able to tell she was about to cry. "Um, I haven't told you because you have just seemed to distracted lately, and with Trevor and Casey so happy together now," I cringed, "I didn't want to ruin the moment or anything." Then the waterworks started, and she groaned and I hugged her tight while she cried into my shoulder.
After a few moments, Amber sniffed and sat up, smiling sheepishly at me. She reached for a cookie and sat back, nibbling on the edge and sorting her thoughts.
"It was a while ago, like when Trev and Case were still in honeymoon stage… I don't know. It all happened so fast… one day we were totally fine and the next, well. I saw him with that girl… Carly Sanders. You know, that tall, thin, gorgeous, hateful bitch? Yeah, they were… well, you know the kinds of things she does. And I just, I just lost it. I mean, they were going at it so hard, like more than Drew and I ever really go! So I flipped out at him, and he said some, er, things. I just. I don't know what I did wrong, Ari."
"Oh, baby, you didn't do anything wrong! That boy was an idiot, and I am so sorry! I never should have… listen, you're better off without him, all right? You don't need some idiot boy to be the beautiful, amazing, talented, fantastic person you are! You're my best friend Amber, and I hate seeing you so sad because of him. I wanna go over there right now and just give him a piece of my mind. Come on, we could do it together! Let's go over there right now!" I grinned, and she smiled back, even laughing a little.
"I wish, Ari, but we can't. He's gone on vacation with his family, and guess who went with them."
"Carly." We both said at the same time, and started laughing.
"Hey, just now when I saw you outside, where you…?" she asked when we quieted down.
I thought about lying to her. I thought about telling her what I told Lilly when she saw me. I thought about laughing it off and pretending like it was nothing. But she was my best friend, and I couldn't keep this to myself any longer, I was killing myself here. I told her everything. From what I was just doing, to how I run so much and refrain from eating a lot, even how my father treated me and how I really got the 'battle scars' on my body. She interrupted several times with gasps and little noises of surprise and outrage.
"And, I um, I kissed Trevor…"
"You what?" She choked.
"Well, it was when he and Casey just started going out! And he said he forgot how to kiss or something so I, showed him." She giggled, raising her eye brows at me.
"What was it like?"
"Oh my gosh, like you don't even know Am," I grinned, "He is a good kisser, like, really good. And I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about him. I hate that so many girls like him. I mean, I get that he's smart, and cute, and funny, and witty, and, well, whatever. But I mean, why do so many of them like him? Casey's all right, I mean I love her! But I just, wish she wasn't with him I guess. Gosh, why am I telling you this? Why am I thinking this in the first place? He's so happy with her! And th
ey're so cute together. Ah, I don't know what's wrong with me." I sighed and rolled my eyes.
Amber covered her mouth and laughed behind it. "What?" I asked, and she just laughed a little more. Finally, when she had caught her breath, she sat up straight and looked me in the eye.
"I know what's wrong with you," She breathed, leaning closer to me, "You're in love with him."
Chapter 13 - How Well Do You Know Your Best Friend?
"Me?!" I sputtered. In love with Trevor? The whole idea was completely ridiculous. I had a boyfriend. And he had a girlfriend. And love didn't exist anyway. So it wasn't even possible. Amber laughed and pointed at my face.
"Awe, you're even blushing! How cute!" She giggled and gently shoved me. But I was so muddled I couldn't catch myself and I fell to my side on the couch, where I stayed, dumbfounded.
"You're crazy." I muttered and started to stand up.
"Okay, okay! I'll stop... But only if you admit it."
I groaned and plopped back down, staring at her through my fingers. "How am I supposed to 'admit it' if it's not true?"
Amber laughed and leaned back, looking at me confidently. "Think about it Ari. You always talk about him. You're constantly wondering where he is and who he's with. Not in a creepy way!" She added at the glare I gave her. "Just in kind of an adorable, you're genuinely curious way. Or something. And you don't like that he's with Casey, even though the two of you are like besties now. There's nothing wrong with it, but you can't deny it when it's so obviously true!"
I sighed. Maybe it was true... Was I falling for Trevor? I still thought the idea was ludicrous, but maybe not as much as before. Amber could be right.
"Ok, yeah, but, um... Did you hear the part where Austin told me he loves me? And um, how Trevor and Casey are so happy together? Or. Um. Oh my... You're right. I'm falling for Trevor, aren't I?"
She nodded her head emphatically.
Well. What now? I'd established that I liked – loved? – Trevor. But I still had no idea what to do about it. Was I supposed to do anything at all?
"What do I do?!" I practically shrieked at Amber.
"Whoa girl, who are you and what have you done with my best friend?" She laughed, "Could this be the same Ariana Luke I know who has been out with more boys than she can count? The same girl who has had straight A's since 6th grade? The same girl who has been through her own mother leaving, her dad going crazy on her, and even beating the crap outta her? And now she's asking me what to do because she's falling in love? Come on, you know you have to tell him. I've seen the way you guys act around each other. I'd bet he feels the same way!" She grinned and started bouncing with excitement.
"Awe, you guys would be so cute together. I can just see it, Ariana Luke, the girl who wouldn't date a stupid high school boy for the life of her, finally cracking at the charms of the one, the only, Trevor Rushton!" Her voice took on that of a serious news reporter. "That's right ladies and gents, Trevor Rushton, the new kid from New York has finally sneaked his way into the carefully guarded Ari's heart! So what next? She'll confess her love to him of course. And then when he admits to her his long-standing feelings for her, they'll get married and have beautiful children! Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week!"
I burst into laughter at her crazy antics. And I couldn't help but wonder, is she right? It couldn't be true. But then, couldn't it? I suddenly sobered. No. And even if by some impossibility I did love him, I could never tell him. He was my best friend and besides Casey, I was fairly sure I was his as well. And him with Casey, they're just so perfect together. I couldn't ruin it for them, and I couldn't jeopardize the fragile friendship we shared, it was too important.
"I can't tell him." I said.
"What?! Um, did you miss that amazing speech I just gave?"
"Oh don't worry, I heard that. I just - I can't tell him. He's happy with Casey and I can't ruin that for them. I don't want to come between them. Besides, it's probably just a little crush anyway. It'll fade soon enough and we can forget this whole thing even happened."
Amber looked down at her hands. "I guess I didn't think of that. I still stand by what I said, though."
"But anyway. Enough about me. How are you, really, Am? I feel like I haven't really talked to you or Lyssa in so long..."
"Well, you know about me and Drew. I guess not much has really happened since then. And Lyssa... Well you know her. She's with a new guy every week and spends all her time with him, so your guess is as good as mine."
I looked around. We were in a cramped living room, with colorful rugs and kid toys littering the floor. The walls were old and chipping, all the books on the shelf falling apart. I realized I had never even been to Amber's house, and this was probably it. "Whoa, is this your house?"
Just then a little girl, probably only 6, burst through the front door wailing. She threw herself into Amber's arms.
"Why does Stacy Forbes always steal all my guys?!" She screamed, bawling on my friend.
Amber shot me an apologetic look. "What happened, Caroline? What boys did she steal?"
"I liked Jackson and he liked me. But when I told Stacy she decided that she likes him, too! And guess what? Now he likes her too! And guess what else? She has a boyfriend. What am I supposed to do? Hey, who are you?" She looked at me with one eyebrow raised.
"I'm Ariana, I'm Amber's friend. Nice to meet you Caroline." I smiled, extending my hand.
She looked at my hand, wrinkling her nose. "You look like you were crying, too. Was it a boy? They're so stupid!" I laughed and agreed. "Hey Ammy, where's Drew? Why hasn't he been here in a long time?"
Amber frowned and looked away. "Drew was being a stupid boy," I said quickly, "He's probably not gonna come over anymore because he's not nice anymore. He's kinda like that girl, Stacy. He liked another girl even though he was Amber's boyfriend."
"What a meanie head!" She exclaimed. Amber smiled thankfully at me, laughing quietly. "Is that right Ammy?"
"Yep, it's all true. He's the biggest meanie head I know." She sighed.
"Except for Stacy Forbes." Caroline pouted.
"Except for Stacy Forbes." Amber agreed.
Caroline's brows furrowed, and then her face cleared and she looked at Amber. "I don't want Drew to come here ever again." She said, and got up and walked up the stairs.
Once she was out of earshot I laughed and looked questioningly at Amber. "I didn't know you had a sister. Anything else you would like to tell me?" She laughed and shrugged.
"Yes I do live here with my mom and Care. My dad lives in Ohio, but you knew that. I've lived here my whole life, and I work at McDonald's. You, er, your dad pays for most of my wardrobe. Um, is that enough?"
I gaped. How could there be so much I didn't know about my best friend?
"Ok. Yeah, that's enough... How could I not know this about you, Am? We need to really hang out. Wanna go do something?"
"Yeah! Let me just go tell my mom and we can go!" She got up and started for the stairs. I glared at the cookies on the plate in front of me. They glared back. Why did they have to smell so yummy? I was about to grab one when Amber bounded down the stairs, yelling goodbye to her mom and sister.
"Ready to go?" I asked, jumping up. She nodded and opened the front door, skipping out into the fall air and heading to my car. It was a nice car to begin with, and even though it hadn't been washed for weeks, it stuck out like a sore thumb in the tiny, low-income neighborhood Amber lived in.
Once we were in the car, I groaned. "Crap," I said, turning around.
"What's the problem?" Amber asked. I explained to her that I'd been staying at Trevor's house since the incident with my dad, so I hadn't been able to shower or anything. "Why don't you just go to a hotel or something?"
That was a great idea! "Yeah! And I might as well just get a room to stay in for one more night, just until my dad forgets everything… and you can stay there with me! It will be like a sleepover! Do you want to?" I asked, smiling widely.
"Do you even hav
e to ask? Now, let's go steal a credit card!" She pumped her fist in the air like we were on some big mission. I laughed and turned up the radio. We sang along at the top of our lungs, laughing and yelling with the wind blowing through our hair, just like old times.
Once at the house, I triple checked everywhere to make sure my dad's car was nowhere in sight. Leave it to him to have it parked around some corner so I wouldn't know that he was home. He was a drunk idiot, but sober… let's just say I didn't get my brains from my mom.
Thankfully, he wasn't home. So we waltzed in and started searching in his room for spare credit cards. We couldn't find a single one. He must have taken them all so I couldn't use them. He did say once that he knew I used them all the time, but I never would have thought that he'd actually take them away from me. Without them I was… broke.
"Uh, I guess I'll just shower here then," I said, shoving the last drawer shut. "Come on, you can wait in my room." I said reluctantly.
I took out my laptop and put it on my bed after brushing everything off onto the floor. I told Amber she could use it and whatever else she wanted in here until I was done. "Me casa es su casa," I said, "Just stay in here and don't make a lot of noise, you can listen to my iPod if you want to listen to music. Turn off all the lights and lock the door. I don't think my dad will be home early, but if he is I don't want him to see you and vice versa. If he tries to get in, open the window and stand on the little balcony out there. You can go down the wall if you want to get farther away, but you don't have to, just make sure you close the curtains so he can't tell. Um, ok, so you good?"
"Wow, you're really prepared for this!" Amber laughed, settling on the bed with my laptop.
"Yeah, well, I've had years of practice…" I mumbled and turned off the lights, shutting and locking the door behind me. I hurried into the bathroom and took a quick shower, trying not to think of what might happen if my father came home at that moment. When I came out and wrapped my hair in a towel, I smelt the coconut scented shampoo and my mind wandered to that night, sitting on Trevor's bed, reading about Sarah and her coconut scented hair. Then I was thinking about Trevor and what Amber had said and how I felt about him and my mind became a jumble of confused feelings and thoughts and just plain crap. I hurried and finished, practically running to my room and then pounding on the door fiercely. I heard the faint squeak of the window and grinned.
