by Anna Howard
"It's ok, Amber, it's just me." I said through the door.
"Who? Ari? How am I supposed to believe that?" She said, her soft voice muffled even more through the door.
"Um, maybe because I sound like myself? And I'm probably the only one who calls you that? And no one else even knew you're here?"
"Yeah, well, um, if you're really my best friend, then tell me something only you know."
I thought about it for a moment, and then chuckled to myself. "Drew is a meanie head!"
A pause. "Everyone knows that. What's something only myself and you, if you are Ariana May Luke, know?"
"I'm falling in love with Trevor," I mumbled. Not two seconds later the door flew open and Amber stood with her hands on her hips, eyes narrowed at me.
"What?" I asked innocently and side-stepped her into the room.
"What? Are you kidding me? I was scared out of my mind! I thought you were your dad!" She stage-whispered/yelled and stood behind me so I could see her through the mirror as I brushed through my wet hair. "Whoa, is that coconut I smell? I have never, ever smelled coconut in your hair before. Your hair always always smells like strawberry. What the hell?"
I grinned sheepishly and looked down. "It's Trevor's favorite."
Amber covered her mouth with her hands, stifling a laugh. "You're serious? Oh Ari, you seriously got it bad. How do you even know that?"
"Um, do you remember when there was that article about him in the school news paper?" I asked, and she nodded. "Well, I was the anonymous source who gave them all that information…" and then I proceeded to tell her about when I read Trevor's autobiography and how I read that Sarah's perfect hair always smelt like coconut and how I've been using coconut shampoo ever since. "I really don't know why," I stuttered, "I only tried it once and it just smelled really good… so I kept using it. Anyway, so yeah. Oh and you know how it looks like he's just scribbling in it, like his handwriting would probably suck? Yeah, it doesn't. It's so cool. Like, I don't know. It's some kind of calligraphy or something. It's really fancy."
"He's a writer… calligraphy…" Amber mused. "Hey, do you remember that love letter you got at lunch the first day Trevor came to our school?" She asked.
Love letter? Not to boast, but honestly I got a lot of those… how could I remember just one? I puzzled for a moment. The first day Trevor came to our school I was still with Collin, and I did remember getting a fancy love letter with fancy writing, I think I still had it somewhere. I began sifting through drawers, looking for it, and finally I found it and pulled it out, rereading it.
The letters matched. It looked exactly like the writing in Trevor's book. "Oh my gosh, you're right! I think this is his handwriting! I think he wrote this. Which means, which means, which means, what?" My brow furrowed and I handed the letter to Amber.
"It means that he liked you! You were like, the first girl he saw when he came to our school. I mean, I'm not surprised. You're like, the prettiest girl in our school. He's had his eye on you from the beginning! Now you absolutely have to tell him!"
"You said liked, as in past tense." I contradicted, snatching the letter from her hands and reading it again. I could feel the blush spreading over my cheeks. Amber could possibly be right, though the chances were slim. "You know, I'm actually not sure if this is even his handwriting. He probably didn't write it. Yeah, I'm positive, this isn't his handwriting." I lied. I shrugged and crushed the delicate note in my fist, careful not to tear it or permanently damage it in any way, and tossed it on the floor.
"Well, I still think you should tell him." Amber crossed her arms and walked out the door, heading downstairs, I was sure. After she left, I stooped down to pick up the note and place it carefully on my desk.
o.O.o.O.o.
Gag. It was only Tuesday. How was the week going by so slowly? I didn't want to go to school. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering what I would say to Trevor. I slept in my own house for the first time in days, and I hadn't talked to him since yesterday morning. My father never even came home, or at least I didn't hear anything. It was possible that he came in quietly and calmly, meaning he wasn't completely wasted, but that was highly unlikely.
Unfortunately, I was missing too much school lately, and my grades were slipping. So I would have to go today. Double gag.
All day I skipped out of classes early, just so that I could get to my next class early. I didn't usually see Trevor in the hallways between classes, but you can never be too careful. He wasn't aware of my new realization, but I definitely was, and I was scared to talk to him now. It was like I was a bomb. I had been so quiet, keeping all of my feelings bottled inside for so long. I exploded a little bit yesterday, with Amber, but I was nowhere near being done. And I knew that if I saw Trevor, I would explode for real. He was the spark that would light the fuse.
During lunch I didn't go to the usual spot. I didn't answer anyone's texts asking where I had been all day, I couldn't because I turned my phone completely off. Instead I went to the library. Only the kids with no other friends hung out in the library during lunch. It was incredibly awkward. The awkward silence hung in the air like death, choking me until I had to escape. I went to my car and listened to music until about 5 minutes until the bell was scheduled to ring. Then I went to Miss Carmandy's room and fed her some crap about my eye sight getting bad and losing my contacts so I had to sit in the front, rather than my usual seat beside Trevor.
He arrived just as the bell rang. I didn't turn to see him walk in, but I knew it was him running in the door and into his seat before he could be counted tardy. Crap, now I was getting some kind of psychic connection or whatever? So that I knew when he came in the freaking classroom? Awesome.
The class was going smoothly, I hadn't looked at Trevor once and I was just about to ask if I could leave early when the fire alarm went off. Some girls screamed, some guys laughed at them, but most of us were quiet. Miss Carmandy normally told us if there would be a fire drill, and she was looking pretty panicked right now.
We all filed out of the classroom into the hall, where some lady was ushering everyone out as fast as we could and coughing up a storm. What was wrong with her? I didn't smell any smoke, but if there was a fire, it could have been anywhere in the school. I meandered through the hall with some other kids, avoiding Trevor easily in the crowded halls, when I heard some people start coughing. Maybe there was smoke that was getting in other peoples' lungs.
Then I smelt it. It felt like little particles of spicy sand were stuck in my throat. I tried to swallow it down, frowning and swallowing hard. Bad idea. The little sand grains scraped down my throat and made me cough, gasping for breath. A lot of kids around me were beginning to cough as well, horrible, hacking coughs, like the lady ushering everyone to leave. What the crap could be in the air that caused this? My eyes started watering and I coughed more, trying desperately to get the sand out of my mouth. The more I coughed, the more I gasped for breath, but the more I breathed, the more sand got in my mouth and made me cough more. I ran with some other people to get to the doors, holding my sleeve over my mouth.
Cool air washed over my face and I sucked in the clean air greedily. I sought out Alyssa in the crowd of milling students waiting for their teachers to call roll and asked if she knew what happened.
"Some loser sprayed tons of pepper spray all over the halls. We might get out of school, but my teach said it'll only take like half an hour to air out the school or something. But Mr. Ellison is pretty full of crap, so I don't know if that's right." She rolled her eyes and turned away abruptly. Ok, that was weird. Whatever. I saw Trevor walking toward me out of the corner of my eye. I turned so quickly that I almost ran into Miss Carmandy.
"Oh, hi! Er, Miss Carmandy. Hi. I think I inhaled some of that pepper spray, do you think it's ok if I just go home right now?" I asked her, coughing for emphasis. It didn't take much, I really had inhaled a lot of that crap.
She looked at me with narrowed eyes, but then she seemed to believ
e me and smiled softly. "You may go," she said, and wrote something on her clipboard. I thanked her and started walked to the parking lot.
"Ari, wait!" Trevor called from behind me, but I kept walking, acting as if I didn't hear him. "Hey, Ariana! Hold up!" He yelled again, louder, and a few people around me looked at me expectantly. I turned and acted surprised when I saw him.
"Yeah?" I asked, glancing nervously over my shoulder.
"Where have you been all day? And why did you change seats in math?"
"Oh, sorry, I had to uh, catch up on some things." I coughed, right on cue. "Listen, sorry but I have to go. I inhaled a lot of that pepper spray. Sorry!" I called over my shoulder as I walked away without looking back.
So I loved him now, did that mean we couldn't even be friends?
Chapter 14 – Betrayal
The rest of the week was torture. Every day I did the same thing; skipping classes, sitting in the front in math, hiding out in the library during lunch. I even made a friend in there, her name was Bella Yale; a quiet, but extremely kind girl who sat in the library alone day-to-day. We sat together and read books. Occasionally I would ask her to help me with my homework, or she would ask me. Our conversations were reserved, but we did talk, and we were friendly towards each other. It was kind of nice to have a friend who didn't know everything about me, who won't judge me because I'm in the library for lunch, and who doesn't know all the gossip and won't constantly nag on other people. She was genuinely nice.
After lunch I sulked off to math, and I was almost late every single time, because I was still avoiding Trevor. So far it was working, but for how long? I had been a coward, and I figured I should probably talk to him. After all, he wasn't in on the big secret, if you could call it that. So… yeah. I would talk to him. I decided I would talk to him on Friday.
Unfortunately, when Friday rolled around I didn't see Trevor at all, until lunch, anyway. I actually went to the table for lunch, where I was met with several sideways glances and whispers.
"Ari! Where the hell have you been? I haven't even seen you, like, all week!" Lyssa called to me, walking over with someone I would never have expected.
"Yeah, you can't spend all of lunch period in the bathroom, you know." Lilly Wess said, putting her hands on her hips and meeting my gaze squarely. The people around us who heard her gasped and started whispering more, some pulling out their phones.
My eyes narrowed and I crossed my arms. "I don't know what you're talking about." I said icily.
Alyssa laughed, flipping her hair like some kind of Carly Sanders wannabe. I mentally gagged, what had happened to her? "Ariana, you don't have to pretend anymore, we all know." She spoke to me as if I were a little child, even going so far as to put her hand on my arm, acting like she cared or something. "Lilly told us about your little, escapade in the bathroom. I mean, we could have guessed, you're so skinny! And you used to be so hot, but now…" She grinned evilly.
I cussed under my breath. Lilly seemed so nice. I bought her coffee! I glared daggers at her and she shrugged, giving me a sugary sweet smile. "Oh come off it, Alyssa. This little freshman doesn't even know what she's talking about. What would she know about that kinda crap?" By now there was a small crowd gathering, and some people were pulling out camera phones to capture the whole thing. I laughed. "This is stupid! What are we even doing? Lilly, I didn't know you and Lyssa were friends?"
"Oh yeah, after you and Amber ditched her and became all buddy-buddy, we met and became the best of friends." She said without missing a beat. I gritted my teeth, so much for lightening the mood.
"Well I'm happy for the two of you, but I really must be going." I said and turned on my heel, marching through the crowd and straight into the library. Fortunately the only person there was Bella, because as soon as I walked in tears began pouring down my face and I collapsed in the closest chair.
"Whoa, hey, what happened?" she asked, coming to sit by me.
"I don't know…" I sobbed. She let me cry for a moment, and then grabbed my shoulders and made me face her.
"Ariana, what happened to make you so sad?"
"Well… you know Alyssa? Well she's like my best friend, and I guess she hates me now or something… and once this stupid freshman girl heard me throwing up in the bathroom and I guess she started some rumor about me and now everybody thinks I'm bulimic or something and I just… I used to be the coolest person here, but now I'm like, the laughing stock of the school or something… and I just found out I'm in love with my best friend…"
Just after I said this we heard someone drop a book in the back of the room. Trevor was standing motionless in the back staring at me.
"Shit…" I whispered, frozen.
"Who're you?" Bella asked him, glancing back and force between the two of us. Then realization clicked and her eyes widened as she looked at him and back at me again. "Oh."
Trevor blinked once. Twice. Then he was blinking so much I would have said he was blinking away tears if I didn't know any better. He shook his head, biting his lip. Crap, he was hot when he did that… I could say that now that I – loved – him, right? "Um," I started, wishing the earth would just open up and swallow me whole.
"Don't." Trevor held up a hand, effectively shutting me up. "Please. Just don't say it." He said softly and stumbled out of the library.
I stared after him. He wasn't supposed to find out like this… Actually, he wasn't supposed to find out at all. Amber burst through the library doors, looking around frantically for me, I assumed.
"What happened? I just saw Trevor walk out of here and I think he was crying and I—holy crap Ari are you ok?" she rushed over and hugged me. "Did you tell him?"
A hysterical giggle escaped my lips and I pulled away from Amber. "Uh, sorta."
At her confused look Bella spoke, her voice more timid than usual. "She was telling me and he heard, then had some weird freak and stormed out. He was crying?" Amber looked at her with narrowed eyes. I hadn't told Am or any of my other friends about Bella, so I could imagine her confusion.
"Er, Amber, Bella. Bella, Amber." I said, gesturing between my two friends. "Anyway, yeah I was telling her and I didn't know he was in here… hey, have you talked to Alyssa lately?" I asked.
"Shit, you called her Alyssa. What's wrong?" Amber asked seriously. I laughed, was it really such a big deal?
"Wow, I didn't even realize. Um, I'm not sure if anything is wrong, I think she's mad at me." I said, frowning, recalling what happened.
"Ugh, I swear she takes pissy pills or something. What did she say?"
"Well, I haven't been to lunch in a while you know, and I guess she found a new best friend," I started, only to be interrupted by Amber.
"Oh yeah the freshman, I don't even know why she likes her, she's such a little know-it-all. And a freshman! I mean, Lyss rarely even talks to anyone who isn't of utmost popularity. Oh but sorry, I'm interrupting, what about her?"
I smiled, it was true. Alyssa was so anal about who she associates with. "Well I met her a few days ago, and you know how I… did that one thing? She heard me doing it and told everyone."
Am's smile faded. "She what?!"
"Yeah, I don't know why, I've never done anything to her! Besides let her ditch with me and buy her coffee. I just don't get it. What does she have against me?"
"Maybe that you're hot, popular, and every guy wants to get in your pants. She's just a stupid freshman, she probably doesn't even realize who she's messing with." Amber stated.
Bella coughed. "Sorry! I totally forgot you were there, none of that probably even made sense did it?" I asked, cringing. She smiled and shook her head. "Well it's basically just gossip and drama and crap. Nothing really important."
"Right. Well, I don't really care, anyway." She said, "And you shouldn't either." Amber nodded.
"You know what? You guys are right. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't let what they say get to me. But… it does. I really wish it didn't, but guys, I'm not like you. I can't just not care," I
whispered the last part; I'm ashamed of it. The fact that I crave everybody's approval is just something that I've learned to live with, something I've always had to deal with. When people don't like me I want to know why, and I want to change myself so that they will like me.
Amber looked at me with empathetic eyes."I know exactly what you mean, Ari." She said, slinging an arm around me.
"Really? Why? What does what they think even matter to you? It's not like they're any better than you are. I've seen Carly Sanders do much worse to herself." Bella stated, looking genuinely confused. As if wanting to be perfect was a hard concept for her to grasp, and simply not caring was exactly that, simple. I envied her.
"I know that. And so have I, and so has everyone. But she can… pull it off… I guess. Everybody knows she does it, and everyone is ok with it. But if they found out that I do – which they have – what will they think of me? I have a reputation to uphold, and now it's going down the drain at the hands of a freaking freshman!" I shouted, at which the librarian behind the desk shushed me and then gave me a dirty look.
Bella studied me for a moment, narrowing her eyes. Then she laughed. "You're actually serious, you are so funny! You and all your catty little 'popular' friends." She made are quotes with her fingers. "It's not a big deal, yet you insist she will be your mortal downfall. This is high school Ariana. It's about finding who you are and making memories and all that. How are you going to do that when you keep pretending to be someone you're not?"
I pondered that for a minute. Finding who you are? Making memories? It all sounded so corny. Then again, when I thought about it, what I said was pretty cheesy as well. I didn't say 'mortal downfall' as she so delicately put it, but honestly, going down the drain at the hands of a freaking freshman. I mentally face palmed myself. She was right. Was I going to admit to that?
