by Anna Howard
"Bella, you don't even know what you're talking about. So just stop trying, ok? I don't even know why I'm friends with you, you're so weird." I spat, and turned on my heel and marched out, slamming the door behind me.
No! What had I just done? We were just starting to be friends…
Bella and Amber strode out of the library together a few minutes later, only to find me standing right outside with my face in my hands. I took in Am's arm around Bella's shoulder, the tears streaming down her face. "Bella," I choked, my voice cracking.
She looked at me and swallowed hard. I watched her Adam's apple bob up and down. She stepped away from Amber's embrace and squared her shoulders. "Ari, just don't." She whispered, and walked past me, bumping my shoulder on the way—hard.
"Amber?" I asked, turning to my best friend. She shook her head sadly and took off after Bella, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I was digging myself deeper and deeper in this hole.
By now everyone was in class, the bell had rung. I sat down on the cold linoleum floor and stared at my reflection in the glass announcements board. My hair was disheveled. My eyes were red from crying. My hands were shaking. Basically, I looked like crap.
I couldn't stay here, with rumors flying and my best friends gone. Wiping the tear stains from my cheeks, I stood and stumbled out to my car. I drove aimlessly, not even paying attention to where I was going or what I was doing. Finally I stopped. I was at the park Trevor and I went to, the park that I left Austin at, the park where I first met Lilly.
I got an ice cream from that little vendor. Lilly wasn't there. Just some old man with liver spots and a huge mustache. Then I sat at an empty picnic table. Licking my ice cream and staring at nothing. I felt a body come to sit next to me, but I didn't move to look. I knew who it was.
"Hey." He said.
"Hey." I replied.
We sat in companionable silence, each lost in our thoughts. I licked my ice cream thoughtfully. "Hey, about the other day," I started.
"Just, don't worry about it. I think I already know." Austin said, sighing and turning to face me.
"You—you do?"
"Yeah," he sighed again, stretching out. "I told you I loved you, Ari. But I didn't realize you were like that, I'm sorry if I offended you or anything."
Huh? Offended me?
He must have noticed my confusion, he said, "Well, I mean I know that you're… well, you know. I didn't realize, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I mean, the way you seemed hesitant to sleep with me, and I mean, come on, your nails are really short."
I cussed under my breath. "You think I'm gay?! My nails are short because I play sports, not because… Holy crap Austin!" I exclaimed, glaring at him.
"Oh, ok good!" He let out a breath he must have been holding. "It's not that I have anything against lesbians, I just thought—ok never mind. So… then why don't you – why won't you – what I mean to say is…" he stuttered, wringing his hands.
"Austin, I'm in love," I said, and his face lit up, "but not with you." Then his face fell. He looked crushed. "It's not you… you're great! Really, thank you, you've been so amazing! I only wish I could be the same to you, but I don't have that to give to you…" I said, looking away.
"If not me then, who?" He asked carefully, as if weighing each word.
"Um… well it's kinda… Ok. I'm in love with my best friend. Trevor. I'm in love with him." I said, my voice getting louder as I realized what I was really saying. "I'm in love with him! I love him! I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!" I shouted, jumping up and spinning. Laughing at my own silliness.
"I'm so sorry, Austin, but I have to go." I said, grabbing his hands and looked unflinchingly in his eyes. "Really. You are an amazing guy. And you deserve so much better than me. You'll find her… the girl you really love. You'll love her and she'll love you and she'll be good for you. But she's not me. And I'm so sorry." I said, leaning forward and kissing him one last time before running back to my car.
The drive back to the school was a blur. I couldn't concentrate on anything around me. I'm pretty sure about seven people must have honked at me for my reckless driving, but I didn't care. All I knew was that I needed to get to the school and talk to Trevor.
I burst through the doors of the classroom… only to be met with several wide eyes and Miss Carmandy's hard glare.
"And what do you think you're doing, Miss Luke?" She demanded, hands on hips. My face turned bright red. I felt the heat of the blush run down my neck and I froze.
"Just… excited for class, Miss C. Sorry I'm late," I mumbled and shuffled over to my original seat in the back amongst stares and whispers, and several people laughing at my outburst. Trevor wasn't among those snickering or gawking. He didn't spare me a second glance. He sat ramrod straight in front of me, staring at the teacher with such intensity, it was almost like he was actually paying attention.
"Hey, Trev," I whispered, poking him in the back with my pencil. He didn't respond beyond a slight twitch when I poked him. "Trevor," I said again, poking him again. When he didn't answer, I decided to write a note to get his attention. But how? Oh, I knew how to get his attention alright. Now that I loved him, (it still felt weird to say...) I felt I needed to be completely honest with him. He deserved at least that. And if I ever had a chance of him returning my feelings, he needed to know what he was getting himself into. It sounds like I'm a really horrible person, and maybe I was, once. But since I met Trevor, I think I've been getting better. Am I still shallow and judgemental? Maybe, but I was still working on it. I didn't want to be that girl anymore, I wanted to be someone worthy of... him.
I wrote the note down carefully and slipped the note to him inconspicuously. At first it looked like he wasn't even going to read it, but finally he picked it up and read it. As his eyes scanned the bright pink words, my heart raced. This could go wrong in so many ways. I was hoping for a miracle, like he didn't know how to read and I would never actually have to tell him... but of course that would never happen.
My heart dropped to my stomach when he made fists at his sides and clamped his mouth shut with a resounding snap."Miss Carmandy," he said, standing up. His voice was shaking slightly, and his face was turning red. It looked like it was taking all he had not to start screaming right then and there. Miss Carmandy looked at him expectantly. "Would you excuse us?" He growled, grabbing me by the arm and hauling me out into the hall without waiting for her to answer.
Once the door shut he turned on me like a rabid wolf. "How?" he demanded, shoving the now-crumpled note in my face. "How did you know all this?" He cussed, "Ari did you read my freaking diary? How could you?! I can't believe you! What are you, heartless? That personal stuff! You can not just go around reading other people's stuff! Are we even friends?" His face was burning. It was pretty scary, but if I was being honest with myself, it was also pretty hot.
I nearly dropped to my knees, begging for forgiveness. "I – I didn't – I'm so sorry! I was being stupid, and irrational, and I wasn't – I don't – Trevor please forgive me. I wasn't going to tell you but I thought you needed to know, because I want to be honest with you. And because I – I think – I think I might-"
"Don't even-" he began, narrowing his eyes and backing away slightly.
"Because I love you." I said, interrupting him. He froze, still staring at me in bewilderment. Then he shook himself out of it. He looked at me again with rage filled eyes.
"That doesn't mean you can divulge all of my secrets to the entire school! That doesn't mean you can even know my secrets!" Trevor shouted, throwing my note on the floor and walking towards me. "Have you even considered the thought that maybe – just maybe – I don't feel the same way about you? I mean, I have a freaking girlfriend, Ariana. What are you even thinking?" He huffed in frustration and clenched his fists, looking up at the ceiling. "I can't trust you... I don't know why we are - were - friends, or... whatever. I'm done with this. I will never forgive you for this. Goodbye.
" He pushed through the door of our classroom and grabbed his stuff, marching out without looking back at the class – or me.
I sank down against the wall, watching him walk away. Long after he was gone I was still sitting there, staring at the empty space where he disappeared. What insane demons possessed me into thinking it was a good idea to tell Trevor that I was the one who slipped that God-forsaken note to the newspaper? I wasn't in the best situation with him before, and then my big mouth brought me fifteen steps back. I stared at the paper on the ground, crinkled and forgotten. The little words that made Trevor walk away from me, possibly for good, stared me in the face. A constant reminder of my guilty conscience and broken heart.
Annoying buzzing alarmed me that there were only a few minutes of class left. Mechanically, I stood up, my bones creaking. I trundled back into the classroom, ignoring questioning stares and disregarding looks and whispers and whatever else my peers are giving me. Soon everyone was packing up and Miss Carmandy was closing up the lesson and assigning homework. People groaned. It was normal for everyone to groan when homework was assigned, but there was a lot more today. Why? Oh right, it's Friday. Usually on Fridays Trevor and I hang out. I had a feeling that wouldn't happen today.
The tears I expected refused to come. I sat motionless while everyone left. Students scuffled by, disregarding me easily. Camry Castillo cast me a pitying look before walking out. I remembered the day she told me I was gorgeous and… skinny. I wondered what she was thinking about me now.
"Ariana," I heard a soft voice speak from the front of the room. Miss Carmandy sat at her desk, watching me over her glasses. We were the only two in the classroom. "The bell has rung, you best be getting to your next class."
I looked at her. She really wasn't that pretty, but she wasn't hideous or anything. She was just… average. I think the whole being-a-teacher made her seem uglier than she really was, because before today, I always thought of her as ugly and old, when really, she wasn't. I idly wondered if she had a boyfriend, or if she ever got out and did things with her friends, or if she even had friends.
"I'm sorry." She said, stirring me out of my thoughts.
"Sorry?" I asked, "For what?"
"When I set you up with Trevor-"
"You what?" I exclaimed. I couldn't have heard her right. "It almost sounds like you said something about setting Trevor and me up…"
"Yes, I did." She said calmly. Oblivious to my confusion. "You see, I know what you do, Ariana. You may think we, teachers, don't know anything about what's going around in the high school, all the latest gossip and such. Truth is, we all know about you and your matchmaking abilities. So I decided maybe you needed a taste of your own medicine. I noticed you and the new boy, Trevor, seemed to be somewhat fascinated with each other. You often looked at him, and he you, though neither party realized what was going on.
"I knew he was actually quite smart, and only needed a little push in the right direction, and who better than my star pupil to give him that push? So I set up your little tutoring business. It seemed to be going so well. I had no idea it would backfire so violently, and I apologize for that." She said casually. As if it was normal, everyday news. As if she didn't just blow my mind completely. As if I wasn't in love with my best friend and my world wasn't falling apart.
Chapter 15 - Surprise!
My head was spinning. This was not happening. My math teacher set me up with Trevor? The whole concept was just weird. We weren't even together, so it obviously wasn't right.
"Um, thanks, but no thanks," I said dazedly. What? That didn't even make sense! I stood and exited the room, heading straight for my car. I sat in the front seat for longer than I probably should have, simply thinking. When the bell rang and people rushed out of the school building, walking towards cars and busses and chatting idly with friends, I just sat there. Because could I go home? I supposed so, but I had a feeling I knew what I would do if I was alone, and I really didn't want to do it. And I had no friends to talk to or hang with now, so I sat alone watching everyone else with their carefree smiles and their friends, feeling sorry for myself.
Closing my eyes slowly, I began banging my head on the steering wheel. Not hard enough to give myself a bruise, just hard enough that it really hurt. Soon I had a headache, but I kept on banging. That sounds really dirty… I thought to myself, giggling.
There was a tap on my window, and I screamed, banging my head extra hard due to fright. "Damn," I muttered to myself, rubbing the sore spot and squinting at the window. The cranky old janitor stood right outside, glaring and pointed a crooked finger at me. I held my hands up in surrender and started up the car. Muttering to myself, I backed up slowly, and drove home, trembling because I was scared. I knew what I was about to do, and I knew I definitely didn't want to do it.
Trevor's POV:
Ari… loved me? No, this could not be happening. The idea was ridiculous. I pinched my arm. This was a dream, and I had to wake up. And so what if I loved her, too? I mean – I didn't – I couldn't –
I have a girlfriend, I thought to myself sternly. Oh, what was the use? Ari was basically perfect, I don't care what anybody said about her or the things she does. But then… how could I? And after she invaded my privacy like that… I sighed and rubbed my forehead. Why the hell are girls so confusing? I was hit by a sudden flashback:
"I think I love you, Sarah," I whispered, stroking her soft, raven-black hair.
"Wha-what?" She stuttered, drawing back to look at me. "It's a little early for that, don't you think?" She giggled nervously, but her eyes twinkled mischievously. "What do you love about me, then?"
I gazed at her perfect features. Gorgeous, long, black hair. Bright, cunning green eyes. Soft, pink, bow-shaped lips that curved up the slightest bit. "I love your hair, and your laugh. I like that you're so confident in yourself. I love the way you treat me, like I actually mean something to you. I love that you can find the positive in every situation. I love that you're so strong, with everything you've been through and still manage to keep a smile on your face. I love that I can talk to you. That I can tell you anything without fear of being judged or ridiculed. I love that you're so honest with me, and not only can I tell you things, but you trust me enough to confide in me, as well.
"I love your sense of humor, and your good nature. I love the way you think about everyone else before yourself. I love all your cute little quirks, like the way you can't stand when people touch your feet. Or that you can only eat cereal if it's after 9 in the morning, and that you love chocolate chip and banana pancakes. I love that you've been there for me since the day we met. Really, I love everything about you." I said gently, and kissed her.
She was my first. And last, as far as I was concerned. "Listen, Trevor," she said to me the next morning. She was using her pity voice, which meant this was bad news. My heart sped up and I clutched the now cold sheets, watching as she pulled on her pants casually like last night wasn't the best night of my life. "That was a fun. And you're a really sweet guy and all, but four months is long enough, don't you think? I mean, I get that you wanna be all serious now, but I got my whole life ahead of me. I never meant for us to last this long."
I could literally feel my heart crack in two. I heard the clean, sharp snap. She couldn't be serious. Sarah, my best friend and only real girlfriend was breaking up with me? After we just had sex for the first time? After I just told her I loved her and bared my soul to her, she's just going to walk away?
"Trevor, baby, don't be sad about this. We were good for each other, but you know good things can't last. And now it's time for us to move on. I will always love you, and maybe someday after I've traveled the world and we've both grown and matured, we'll find each other again. And then we'll know it's meant to be." Sarah said, finally sitting down beside me and looking at me. Her eyes held no regrets; no sorrow. It was then I realized our whole relationship was a lie. I may have loved her, but she never loved me.
I watched helplessly as she stood u
p and walked out of that room – and my life – without so much as a backwards glance.
I was snapped back to reality by my vibrating cell phone. Ariana. Hell no. She was the reason for that painful memory. I pressed the reject button probably harder than I needed to. But now that I was already on that topic, I thought about Sarah. My first love. My first heartbreak. As I sat on that bed alone and disregarded that day, my heart tore into little pieces. I swore to myself I would never love again, as long as I lived. The pain was not worth it. I may have got around a little bit after the incident. I became known as a 'player' at my school, because I messed with so many other girls' hearts. I really didn't mean to hurt anyone, but after what Sarah did to me, can you blame me?
Yes, of course you can. I blame myself. But it seemed the only way to avoid falling in love again. I felt horrible, every time I said to a girl what Sarah said to me. I'd see the pain in her eyes, reflecting exactly what I was feeling. I was such a dick! But after I started my 'player' ways, I couldn't exactly take it all back, so I continued doing what I did best: screwing girls and breaking hearts.
When I moved here to Arizona, I decided it was time to stop. I couldn't keep being such an douche all the time. I was quiet, I tried not to get in any trouble. But then I saw her. Ariana Luke. Probably the hottest girl on campus. Her huge green eyes were mesmerizing. They almost seemed wide and innocent, but they held a mischievous glint that kept you wondering. Her round face had a light sprinkling of freckles, and her copper hair went just past her shoulders and had natural, blonde highlights that complimented her eyes. She was lean and fit, and when she laid on the table at lunch and her shirt rode up, I noticed she had awesome abs, but then I had to scold myself on inappropriate thoughts.
