by Anna Schmidt
“I’ll sit back here.” Uncle Mac indicated the pew two rows behind.
They squeezed in, but Derek didn’t mind. He liked having both Winnie and Kathy close and safe.
Kathy left after the congregation sang several Christmas hymns. She’d been disappointed she wasn’t chosen to be Mary, but Winnie had made her understand Christmas would be pretty dull if there had been only Mary—” No donkeys, no sheep, no shepherds. It would be so empty.”
“She’s anxious to be a shepherd now,” he whispered to Winnie, breathing in the scent of her hair as he leaned close. She smelled as fresh as the snow, as clean as water in the mountain rivers and as sweet as sunshine on a spring meadow.
He pushed his attention back to the front of the church, where one of the older boys began to read the Christmas story as the younger children performed a silent tableau. Well, no doubt it was supposed to be silent, but one little boy dressed as a lamb kept bleating. His shepherdess continually whispered for him to hush. Her whispers grew louder and louder until Derek could hardly keep his amusement silent.
Winnie pressed her hand to her mouth. Her eyes watered with suppressed laughter.
Finally, a red-faced mother marched to the front and jerked the ear of the innocent lamb, who put on the most injured expression Derek could imagine was possible.
Beside him, Winnie shook with silent laughter and squeezed his hand as if she needed to hang on in order to keep from breaking out in loud guffaws. He choked back his own laugh.
And then Mary and Joseph entered and knocked on the paper door. Belatedly, someone off-stage hollered, “Knock, knock.”
Derek clamped his fist to his mouth. The fact that someone behind him laughed aloud didn’t help his self-control.
“No room. No room.” The innkeeper was a red headed boy with a brown dressing gown bundled at his wrists and drooping on the floor.
The rest of the story proceeded with further amusement, and when it ended, people laughed and clapped.
Winnie pulled her hand from his. She slipped from the pew and headed down the aisle.
He glanced after her. No doubt going to help set up tea. She always sought ways to assist, to make others happy.
Not that he was objecting. Except there was a tiny argument niggling at his thoughts.
Who made her happy? Or was she as content as she wanted him to believe? It burned at the back of his throat to think she might not be. He had eight more days to do what he could to give her a taste of happiness—something to carry with her. A memory she could cherish.
The congregation began to move to the fellowship hall. He joined Uncle Mac. Kathy waited for them at the door. Inside the hall, the crush of people made it impossible to locate Winnie. It took several minutes for people to settle themselves at the tables.
Derek glanced about. Winnie wasn’t dispensing cake, making tea or pouring water for the children. Perhaps one of the bachelors had latched onto her. He looked around the room again, prepared to take her away from any man who thought to claim her. But he didn’t find her in the crowd.
“Have you seen Winnie?” he murmured to Uncle Mac.
“Saw her leave the pew and head outside. Haven’t seen her since.” He gave a quick look around the room. “She’s not here.”
“I’ll find her.” He told Kathy to stay with their uncle and strode toward the door.
The air outside was a cool relief to the crowded room. Behind him rose the murmur of voices, but two more steps took him into blessed quiet. A muffled sound to his right pulled his attention that direction. Two lads, too old to be in school, too young to be smart, hunkered down over something. Derek turned away. He didn’t even want to know what they were doing.
He strode past them, walked around to the front of the church where a lamp shone on the small crèche scene. That’s when he saw Winnie kneeling in the snow before the manger, her hands pressed to her face. Her shoulders seemed to move up and down. Was she crying?
With a muffled protest, he hurried to her, knelt at her side and pulled her hands from her face. He touched his finger to her chin and tipped her toward him. Silvery droplets clung to her lashes. He wiped them away with his thumb. The warmth of those salty tears raced along his blood stream and pooled in his heart, crashing like waves of the ocean. “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head.
How could he stop her sorrow if he didn’t even know what caused it? He pressed her to his shoulder. “I don’t want to see you cry.”
“I’m done.”
“Done or not—”
She shifted toward the manger. “I remember what I wanted to remember about snow. Only maybe I wanted to forget.”
He squeezed her closer.
“Snow was falling the day my parents sent me away. I remember looking back and seeing the light in the windows through a veil of snow. I thought I was going to my aunt and uncle’s for a special treat. When I got there they told me I had to stay. They said my parents had no room. No room for me.” Her voice wavered.
He clamped down on his back teeth until they hurt. How could anyone treat her so callously?
“I thought I would stay with my aunt and uncle, but my new step-aunt said they didn’t have room for a child who wasn’t theirs. No room.” She sobbed once and quieted. “They had no room for baby Jesus either.”
She sat up and pulled away from his arms, leaving him helpless. “I won’t feel sorry for myself. I’ll make my own room.” She spoke with determination.
He touched her chin and gently turned her to face him. “You don’t have to. There’s room with us. Marry me.” It made such perfect sense, he wondered why he hadn’t realized it from the first.
She blinked, wiped her eyes and stared at him. “What on earth do you mean?”
His smile was one-sided. Was it so hard to contemplate life with him? “Marry me. It’s the perfect solution. It would provide Kathy the stability she needs. And it would give you a home.”
“What would it give you?”
He cared enough about her to want to keep her safe. The best way he could do that was keep her close. “Figure I’ll be happy knowing you and Kathy are taken care of.”
She sat up and studied him closely.
He met her gaze steadily. He had nothing to hide. He hadn’t offered her love. Only safety and security. Love was going too far. He couldn’t do that.
“I recall you saying you didn’t want the responsibility of marriage.”
“Maybe I’ve changed my mind.”
She continued to study him, her gaze searching his eyes, examining his cheeks, his chin, his mouth and returning to his eyes. “Aren’t you afraid of the risks?”
“Didn’t you once say we should leave the future in God’s hands?”
He hadn’t exactly said he was prepared to trust God. Better to take whatever steps he felt were necessary, and marrying Winnie was the only way he could think to keep her safe. His answer seemed to satisfy her for she nodded. “I’ll marry you and do my best to make you happy.”
He nodded. “Thank you.” Considered her sweet, trusting face. “May I kiss you?”
“Of course.” She turned to him and he gently claimed her lips. He did not linger, though. Neither of them needed to get the wrong idea about the marriage they had agreed to.
Somehow Winnie made it through the rest of the evening. She must have answered questions correctly, taken part in conversations and held her teacup in an acceptable fashion, because she didn’t notice any raised eyebrows or startled looks. Derek stayed close. One thing she could be certain of was his protection.
Neither of them had spoken of love. She didn’t expect he would. His only reason for offering marriage was to give Kathy a permanent caregiver.
Her only reason for agreeing was to give herself a permanent home where she would always be welcome.
She wanted no more. Expected no more.
She would never give him cause to regret his offer. And she would never be so foolish as to expect or demand l
ove. A tiny, almost unheard voice, one she almost managed to ignore, whispered she didn’t deserve love.
They had decided not to say anything at church and to wait until morning to tell Uncle Mac and Kathy.
As soon as Kathy had settled for the night, Winnie slipped away to her own room to think. She opened her Bible and searched the scriptures for assurance she was doing the right thing. She turned to the Christmas story in Luke, chapter two. She got as far as “There was no room for them in the inn,” and stopped. It was the phrase that had sent her shivering into the cold to kneel before the manger.
She’d cried out her heart to God. Why did no one have room for her? Despite her brave words and determination, she longed for a place where she belonged.
She’d begged God to help her. That’s when Derek had knelt at her side.
She closed the Bible. She had to believe God had sent Derek, prompted his offer of marriage in answer to her prayer. Comforted, she prepared for bed and fell asleep almost instantly.
“You’re going to be my mama? This is the best present ever, and it’s not even Christmas yet.” Kathy hugged Winnie, then turned to hug Derek. “I knew you wouldn’t let her go. So did Uncle Mac. Didn’t we, Uncle Mac?”
“I had my hopes for both of you.” He hugged Winnie. “He’s got a long ways to go yet, but don’t give up on him.”
“I won’t.” Though she had no idea what he meant.
She thought Derek quite acceptable as he was. If anyone had a long way to go, it was she.
She’d awakened in the night, shivering with apprehension. Would he change his mind and send her away?
Uncle Mac clapped Derek on the back and gave him an awkward hug. “Wise move, my boy. Wise move. Glad to see you listen to an old man’s advice occasionally.”
Winnie raised her eyebrows.
Derek grinned. “He’s been telling me you’re the best thing to ever venture into my world.”
“She is,” Kathy said. “But we despaired of you ever coming to your senses.”
At her resigned sigh, they all chuckled.
Later, after dinner, Uncle Mac went to his room for a nap and Kathy shooed them away. “You two go for a walk and make kissy faces, or whatever you’re supposed to do. I have something to take care of.”
Winnie laughed, even as she knew the heat stealing up her neck would be visible on her face. She wanted to explain their marriage wasn’t going to be like that, but Derek grabbed her hand and dragged her outside. “Seems she has important stuff to attend to. We’d better get out of her way and let her do it.”
Winnie’s heart kicked into a faster pace as Derek took her hand and led her along the snowy path. They paused at the end of the corrals to admire the snow on the mountains.
“Pa dreamed of bringing the family out west. He hoped he’d make it, too. Maybe the air would have cured his lungs.”
She squeezed his hand. “Tell me about your father.” Mac had said enough for her to know Derek’s father had been ill a long time, and more and more of the family responsibility fell on Derek’s shoulders.
“He tried hard not to be sick, but by the time I was seven or eight, he would come home from work and collapse on the bed. I can’t imagine how he managed to drag himself to work every day, sometimes shoveling coal for hours. I think his boss must have felt sorry for him and let him drive the delivery wagon. By the time I was twelve he could no longer do it, and I took his place. I hoped if he could rest he would get better. But he didn’t. Uncle Mac said his lungs were shot.”
“Some things you can’t change.” The words were empty, meaningless, but she didn’t dare offer what she really wanted to—her assurance she would always stand by his side. The best she could do was lean against his shoulder.
“On his deathbed, Pa asked me to do two things. One was to look after the family. I’ve certainly failed.”
“Because of the accident? You can hardly control the universe. Only God can.”
“So why doesn’t He?” His words tore through her.
“God hasn’t forgotten you.”
He shrugged. “I couldn’t believe it when I got the news. Uncle Mac went with me to take care of the bodies and get Kathy. It’s amazing she escaped without a scratch.”
“We should always be thankful for God’s intervention.”
He stared down at her. “You’re right. I’m ever so grateful Kathy survived.”
Tension eased from her stomach as he smiled. “What was the other thing your father asked of you?”
“To move the family out west. He wanted Uncle Mac and me to continue with their plans. Uncle Mac came ahead and got this place ready. Then I came out to make sure things were suitable. Ma and the kids followed.”
His voice deepened.
“I think your father would be very proud of you.”
“You do?”
“Certainly. You’ve never shirked from the responsibility his illness and death thrust upon you. You’ve done your best to fulfill his dream of giving them a new life. He would certainly not hold you responsible for things beyond your control, any more than you would hold Kathy responsible for the accident that killed the others.”
“Of course I wouldn’t. What a dreadful thing to suggest.”
“Exactly my point.”
He grew still, as if he didn’t dare breathe. She prayed he would see the truth in her words—he couldn’t blame himself for things beyond his power to control. “I see what you mean.” Suddenly he laughed. “I have not disappointed my father.” He hugged her. “Thank you. You’ve given me so much. I wish I could give you more.”
“You give me all I need.” Perhaps not all she wanted, but she was only now beginning to understand what it was she wanted.
He rested his chin on her head and looked about. “It’s a good land. A good place to raise Kathy.”
He hadn’t mentioned having children of their own. Of course not. Their marriage was simply a business deal. He did not want more responsibility. Even as she did not want the risk of admitting she loved him.
Chapter Six
Derek turned her to face him and looked so long and hard at her that she lowered her gaze.
“What’s wrong? Have you changed your mind?” She wouldn’t be surprised if he did.
“No. Of course not.” He brushed his knuckles along her jaw. “I’m not the sort to back out of a promise.”
She knew that. “I wouldn’t want you to feel beholden, just because you said something and later changed your mind.”
“The only thing I’m ‘holding’ right now is you. And I’m thinking it was no mistake you ended up in my barn that night.” His fingers lingered at her earlobe, then he cupped the back of her head and leaned close.
She knew he meant to kiss her. Not to seal a marriage agreement. No. This time it was gratitude that she’d landed in his life and proven herself valuable to Kathy’s happiness. But she didn’t mind. Being valued for any reason made her feel safe. She met his kiss halfway.
His lips were warm. His kiss tentative, gentle. She leaned closer, wrapped her arms about his neck and let her kiss speak her heart.
But then she pulled back, appalled at her own behavior. She’d only meant to inform him she appreciated his kindness. “We should return.”
He kept his arm across her shoulder as they walked to the house. Surely, he was only being kind. Protective.
He would always be protective out of a sense of duty.
He would never guess the simple gesture flooded her heart with impossible longings.
She ached for more than a safe home. She wanted to be loved.
Slowly, she took a deep breath. She would not allow herself to discount the gift Derek had given her—an offer of marriage, a place of permanency—by wishing for more.
They reached the house. He opened the door and they stepped inside. The table was set, china teacups that normally sat far back on the top shelf had been washed and set out. Two of them. Kathy had covered a sheet of brown paper with hundre
ds of flowers to use as a tablecover.
“Surprise,” Kathy called.
Uncle Mac leaned against the door frame, grinning.
“What’s the occasion?” Derek asked.
“It’s a ’gagement party. Miss Parker at school told us about the ’gagement party she went to for her friend.” Kathy’s eagerness fled, replaced by uncertainty. “I wanted to do something special for you.”
“What a wonderful idea.” Winnie hugged Kathy. “We really appreciate it, don’t we, Derek?” She shot the startled man a prodding look.
He blinked. “Of course we do.”
“Good. Sit down beside each other and Uncle Mac and I will serve you.”
Feeling like a cross between royalty and a Barnum and Bailey circus act, Winnie sat, Derek beside her.
Uncle Mac stepped forward as if he’d been coached, and poured tea. Kathy brought a plate of cookies from the cupboard. “I wanted to make some for you, but Uncle Mac said to use the ones Winnie made.”
“Probably a good thin—” Derek began. Winnie plowed her elbow into his ribs in time to stop him. “This is fine. Just fine.”
They each selected a cookie and took a bite.
Kathy waited, facing them across the table. Winnie sipped her tea, nudged Derek to do the same. She stole a glance at him and wished she hadn’t. He looked as awkward as if he’d been dropped into the ladies’ home sewing circle. She had to press her lips together to keep from laughing.
Kathy sighed. “I wanted this to be special.”
“We’ll never forget this, will we, Derek?” Another nudge to his ribs—gentle this time.
“Not as long as we live.”
Winnie concentrated on her teacup so Kathy wouldn’t guess at how hard she struggled to contain her amusement.
Kathy pulled out a chair and sat across from them, her elbows planted on the table, her chin resting in her palms. “Tell me about getting ’gaged. Miss Parker says it’s romantic when the man who loves you asks you to marry him.” Kathy sighed dreamily. “Was it romantic?”
She pinned Winnie with the question.
