CHAPTER NINE
LESLIE wondered afterwards how long she stood there, with her hands slack in Reid's, while she tried to make up her mind on the most momentous question of her life. If she married him, she knew now, she would be marrying the man she really loved. But he had, as far as a man can say such a thing, said that he did not love her. He liked her. Did one ever find happiness in a marriage where one loved without return? Was there not, on the contrary, a very special and poignant suffering implicit in the very meaning of the phrase? But if she did not marry him, he would go away. Quite simply, that was the alternative. And she knew that she could not face it. There would be problems and anxieties to face, if he went away. There would be explanations and possibly reproaches. But none of these really weighed with Leslie. She got no further than the fact that if he went away from her, she simply could not bear it. That was what mattered. If he went away from her, she did not want to face life any more. "Do you want to think it over until to-morrow?" he asked at last, and the sound of his voice made her start. "No," she said a little hoarsely. "Oh, no." For at the suggestion of delay she was suddenly overwhelmed by panic in case he should change his mind, or say that, after all, they must not act without more thought. "I have made up my mind, Reid." "Sure?" "Quite sure." Her voice cleared, and she looked up and smiled at him. "I'll marry you." "Darling, will you really?" He gave a half-incredulous little laugh, and'kissed her upturned face. "I 119 thought all that grave consideration couldn't end in anything but a refusal." "I I had to weigh up everything carefully." "Of course." She wished she had not said that then. It made her decision sound such a poor and passionless thing. In that moment she longed, from the bottom of her soul, for a breathless, reckless, glorious romance with Reid. She felt her heart beat more quickly and her blood race in her veins at the thought of what it must be like to be the real object of his bold, generous, almost arrogant love.But that was not for her. Only Caroline had been able to command that. She must be satisfied to be liked and admired. In one last surge of panic, she almost drew back even then. But she steadied herself, and heard him say, "When is it to be, my sweet? Alma has already lectured me on the grave responsibilities of a bridesmaid." "What, you too?" Leslie laughed, and she was pleased to hear that it sounded a perfectly natural and self-possessed laugh. "She was here not an hour ago, telling me that I should upset all her plans for the term if I didn't make up my mind soon." "Well, we can put her out of her misery now. And your father too," he added, as a good-humoured afterthought."Yes." Leslie thought of her mother's pathetically controlled anxiety, and her not very successful efforts to hide her longing for happier, safer times, when she didn't have to think of money or the lack of it every hour of the day."I suppose we may as well make it soon, then." She tried so hard to make her tone cool and judicial that she succeeded in making it flat and indifferent. So much so that she must have piqued him, for he 120 laughed a little angrily and, catching her in his arms, exclaimed, " 'May as well' is no term to use to your bridegroom, you cold little fish! This is going to be a marriage, you know. Not a business assignment." ' 'Yes. I I know." "And I'll stake my male pride on your finding it a bit more interesting than you seem to think," he added almost threateningly, although he was laughing. "When do you marry me, eh?" And, bending her back lightly against his arm, he gave her a long, hard kiss on her mouth. "Reid!" She struggled free. "Don't you like it?" "I " She liked it so desperately that she was afraid she could not hide how much. "Of course, but I can't very well answer your question if you go on kissing me like that." "It has been done." He was suddenly in a remarkably good humour. "But we'll take one thing at a time if you like. When are you going to marry me?" Next next month." She had nearly said "next week," because when he held her and kissed her as he had just now, it was almost impossible not to say exactly what was in her mind. But she retained enough self-control to produce a reasonable answer. An answer which would show that she was ready to play her part, and yet not betray the wild eagerness and rapture which shook her at the very thought of being married to him. Next month " He repeated her answer thoughtfully. "Fine. Early next month?" i '1 0",,111 " But she smiled at him, to show that she liked also. It was perfectly safe to like. Only one must not love They told the rest of the family later that evening .and received approving congratulations all round In deed, to Leslie, in her secret, frightened joy, it seemed that these were the only congratulations that mattered. The earlier ones, when she had first become 121 engaged, had not meant anything. This was the real thing now. More real than even Reid guessed."It wasn't anything I said, was it, darling?" hermother asked anxiously when she got Leslie alone. "I mean you aren't hurrying things on more thanyou want just because I poured out my worries to you?""No, Mother. It's all right." Leslie was very calm and tranquil about that. "The idea of an early wedding was was Reid's. And I found I liked it very much indeed.""I'm so glad! I'm so terribly glad for you and so relieved for your father," she added naively. Leslie smiled."Yes. He looked as though it were his own wedding, when we started to tell him of our decision.""Well, I can tell you why now, dear. Why he and I are so specially relieved and delighted. We heard from the nursing home today from Sir James. Hedoes think there is a very reasonable chance that Moriey may even walk again, if we can afford to let him go in for a long and expensive course of almost experimental treatment." "Mother! How marvellous! Why didn't you tell me before?" "Because I'm ashamed to say it our acceptance did depend on Reid giving his full financial support ""But he'd promised that anyway!" Leslie cried impatiently."Yes, I know. But I don't need to explain your father's attitude all over again.""No, indeed!" Leslie laughed protestingly."Well, since you know his rather unreasonable views so well, you can see that what the situation amounted to was that the beginning of Morley's treatment more or less depended on the date of yourwedding. I didn't want you to know that, Leslie, until you had decided your own future on personal considerations: We owed that to you, my dear. But I can't 122 tell you how glad I am that you have finally decided for an early marriage." "I'm glad too," Leslie said soberly. "For Morley's sake as well as my own." "There'll be a lot to arrange in a very short time, of course." But her mother sounded pleased, rather than harassed, by the prospect, Leslie noticed, and she guessed that wedding preparations were very dear to her mother's ingenuous and rather extravagant heart. "We want things rather quiet, you know," she said, but she smiled indulgently at her mother. "Of course, dear, of course." But a look of enjoyable vagueness was beginning to come into Mrs. Greeve's beautiful dark eyes, and Leslie thought, "She's beginning to think in dozens! I'll have to keep a curb on her. If Reid is going to pay out all that money for Moriey, I'm not going to have him saddled with the expense of an extravagant trousseau for me." Reid, however, had different views. Or so it turned out when she broached the subject to him and warned him to be firm on the question. "Why shouldn't you have a swell trousseau?" he wanted to know. "Don't you like pretty clothes just as much as the next girl?" "Of course. But that isn't the point." "It's quite a good point, so far as I am concerned." "But, Reid, in the circumstances, it's faintly dishonest. They will try to spend a lot of your money on what is, after all, our obligation. I don't mind exploiting you, or anyone else, for the sake of Morley's health. But I don't want an extravagant outfit at your expense." He grinned at her. "Don't you? I rather like the idea, personally." " 's it's not strictly necessary." She looked faintly put out. "It doesn't have to be," he assured her. "I hope 123 you don't regard me as the sort of man who sees his bride only in terms of strict necessity." She laughed reluctantly."Sweetheart," he said, "you haven't had much fun out of your marriage affairs up to now. Relax and enjoy yourself for the next month. Regard your parents as the inheritors of at least half of the Tabitha fortune, and shop accordingly. The bills will be paid, I promise you, and it doesn't much matter through whose banking account they pass. It's the same money. And if we stop to work out each time whose money it really is, we're none of us going to enjoy any of it." There was a good deal of comm
on sense in this as in most of Reid's flippant utterances and in the end Leslie accepted his advice. Her mother completely reassured by this new mood accompanied her to London on a whirlwind shopping tour, and there, of course, they took every opportunity to see Moriey.To both of them it was obvious that he was already a different person. Hopeful, even confident, he greeted them like a man who expected everything to go well. Except for an occasional characteristically dry remark, there was no trace of that good-humoured but cynical melancholy which had distinguished him for so many years, and Leslie and her mother could hardly hide their joy at the change. Afraid even then to raise too many hopes, they both at first avoided speaking much of the future. But Moriey, to their surprise, showed no such reserve. "I'm sorry I can't be at your wedding, Leslie dear," he said. "But I promise to be in circulation before the first christening, and if you'll make me godfather to the Reid heir, I'll undertake to carry out my duties as actively as the best."She laughed rather tenderly at that, and the tenderness was not all for Moriey. "It's a bargain," she promised. "How does Father get on with his prospective sonin-law now?" Moriey asked with candour. 124 "Very well," Leslie assured him. "Even to the extent of agreeing to accept half his fortune?" , That was the old Moriey, and his mother murmured a not very convincing protest. "Oh, yes. I think they are thrashing that out with Father's lawyers while we are away. And you needn't be deprecating about it, Mother," Leslie said. "Reid's perfectly right in saying that Father had a moral claim on part of the fortune. The only difficulty was in devising the exact circumstances in which Father would agree to see it in that way." It was Moriey who laughed indulgently that time. "Well, I hope someone has managed to convey to Reid how grateful I am," he said more soberly. "Whatever moral rights there may be about the division of this inheritance, Reid would have been perfectly within his rights to hold on to the lot. And I'm well aware that, actually or figuratively, he has financed the miracle that's going to put me on my feet again." His sister glanced at him affectionately. "It's all right, Moriey. I conveyed all that to him." "Ye-es." Her brother looked at her with a certain amount of amused indulgence. "I suppose you certainly chose the best way possible of expressing the family gratitude. Happy, Leslie?" "Divinely happy." "It's queer I thought I knew you so well. I was certain you were very much in love with Oliver." "So was I. Certain, I mean." "And it was a mistake?" "Not in the sense that I misread my feelings at the time. I was very romantic about him. Particularly when I was a good deal younger." Both her mother and brother smiled indulgently at that. "But I suppose it was the old story of being in love with love and the most attractive man I knew well at that time. After Reid came, there wasn't anyone else." "A good thing it was Oliver that Caroline fancied, then, and not Reid," observed Moriey with candour. 125 "Thanks a lot! You mean you wouldn't back me in any competition?" "Not against Caroline, my love," her brother insisted teaslngiy. "She's a natural winner in any feminine competition. In the slightly demode expression which nas not, however, been successmlly replaced she's got what it takes." "And I haven't?" He was surprised as well as amused, she saw, by the sharpness with which she said that. "We-ell, it isn't a quality which brothers usually detect in their own sisters, you know. Only in other people's sisters." "He's teasing you, Leslie dear," her mother put in peaceably. "You know perfectly well that Moriey thinks the world of you." "Say, rather, that Reid thinks the world of her, Mamma," Moriey corrected, with a smile. "At the moment, his is the only opinion which interests Leslie and quite rightly so." "Well, he does think the world of her. Otherwise, why would he do all he has done?" "You see, Leslie?" Moriey smiled at her, still teasms,, but with a -great deal of affection too. "And remember that he had known the fatal Caroline once a-"d still he chose you." "But suppose " began Leslie. Then she stopped. Not only because of the amused lift of her brother's eyebrows, but because she realized with dismay that she had almost stumbled into the fatal mistake of demanding reassurance. She changed the subject laughed off the conversation as" though she found it no more than the light-hearted teasing which Moriey had meant it to ,be. But she was disturbed, and took herself to task afterwards. "That's the danger in any marriage where one feels insecure," she thought remorsefully. "T must accept, and be thankful for, what I have. Not try to find 126 I reassurance of what doesn't really exist in any care . less word that someone likes to utter." She was glad she had identified this danger so ; early, and she imagined she was safely armed against it, now that she recognized it. Just as she was pretty sure, while she was in London and regarding Reid from a distance, that she could learn to achieve a nice balance in her relationship with him. There was no reason why she should not show an easy, pleasant affection to him. That he would expect. All she must guard against was any display of the inner, breathless rapture which alternately enchanted and tormented her. It should not be too difficult, she told herself. But when she saw him again for the first time, ; after nearly a week's absence, it was all she could do not to throw herself into his arms and cling to him. In her effort to appear self-contained, she threatened to turn their reunion into a very tame affair. But, fortunately, Reid had a natural talent for love-making _ , whether flirtatious or serious and he greeted her in a manner that must not only have satisfied any member of the family who was by, but which reminded her of his gay boast that she should find their marriage rather more interesting than she seemed to expect. Alma, who was a weekly boarder at a school in Pencaster, was at home on this occasion, as it was a Saturday, and when she said to Leslie, "Only two more weekends until your wedding," it seemed to give an exciting reality to the whole thing which, until now, it had lacked. "Yes. I find it hard to believe," Leslie confessed. "Why?" the literal-minded Alma wanted to know. "Well, I suppose any big and wonderful change is always rather difficult to accept in advance." "I can always believe in anything I want to believe in," Alma asserted argumentatively. "Have you settled where you're going for your honeymoon yet?" For she resented that there had been a certain amount of reticence over the discussion of this. "I don't know about the first part." Leslie smiled. "But later we are going to Laintenon." "Where Great-Aunt Tabitha lived?" "Yes.""I say! She had.a fabulous sort of villa there, didn't she? Will you stay there?""I doubt it. The place must be very big, and most of it would have been out of use for many years, it would be rather melancholy." To Reid, Leslie said, "Alma's just been asking where we are going tospend the first part of our honeymoon. I told her, quite truly, that. I don't know. We can go to Laintenon after the first week or ten days, of course, but we still haven't settled on the first part." "What about Paris?""Oh, no!" she cried sharply, remembering what Caroline had said about Paris, and how she had looked as she said it. , ,Reid regarded her thoughtfully, and she found herself blushing, and hoping wildly that he did not remember the occasion too. There were few things that Reid forgot, however. He made no attempt to ask her why she objected so strongly to Paris. He merely said, "Have you ever been to Italy?" "No." "Would you like that?""Very much," she said eagerly. Caroline had no associations with Italy, so far as she knew. "Not one of the obvious places, like Rome or Florence. We might go to Verona, and we could hire a car and I'd take you round Lake Garda." He was speaking thoughtfully, as though he already visualized the scene and liked it. "That sounds lovely," she said softly, anxious to make up for her slip over Paris. Besides, it did sound lovely. 128 "We could go to Venice for a day or two, if youliked." "Yes. I should love that." "All right. I'll see after the arrangements. We'll fly to Milan and go on from there." "Reid ""Yes?" He had been turning away, but he looked back at her now, over his shoulder. "You didn't specially want to go to Paris, did you?""No, my sweet." He smiled full at her, and shefound it very reassuring. "I want to go some placethat you would like equally well. It's your honeymoon too, you know.""Oh thank you. I've always wanted to go to Italy."That was true, and she hoped he would take it as sufficient reason for her almost violent refusal of Paris. "Well, you're going now," he told her. "And Ihope you'll have every reason to enjoy it."She hoped so too passio
nately. Hoped there would be no unforeseen crisis. Hoped that whenpeople said a honeymoon could be more of an ordealthan an enjoyment, they were just being cynical. Hoped that somehow somehow - when she took this terrible glorious risk, she would find that she hadgambled on her happiness and won. During the last days before her wedding, Leslieachieved a sort of detachment. She was the one in the household who usually shouldered most of the real work in any arrangements made, and her ownwedding was no exception."You're so cool about everything one wouldthink it was someone else's wedding," Katherine said. . To which Leslie replied that she liked things donewell, even at her own wedding."Leave her alone. She's just so sure of her happiness that she doesn't need to bother about anythingelse," her mother declared indulgently. "But she is bothering about everything else," protested Katherine amusedly. "That's just it. She at tends to every detail, so calmly and efficiently." "Because she hasn't any inner worries," her mother explained. "That's it, isn't it, darling?" Leslie said that was exactly what it was. And her mother looked peculiarly satisfied. When her dress was sent home, the day before the wedding, she spread it out on the bed, and all the family even her father came to inspect it. To be sure, he only said, "Very handsome, very handsome," in a modest tone, as though he were personally responsible for it, and then walked off. But her mother and her two sisters hung over it, exclaiming and admiring. Leslie stood a little way back in the room, answering their remarks at random, gazing fascinatedly at the dress and thinking, "When I put that dress on tomorrow, I shall be going to the church to marry Reid. I couldn't turn back now, if I wanted to. I'm absolutely committed. If I've made a terrible mistake, I can't do anything about it now." "You do like it, don't you?" Katherine looked up and across the room at her. "I adore it!" "Oh you were so quiet, I wondered if you were disappointed. Though I couldnt imagine how anyone could be." "I think it's the loveliest wedding dress anyone ever had," Leslie said deliberately. Her mother gave a pleased laugh. "You'd better tell Reid that, darling. He told me I was to spare no expense whatever in finding you the dress of your dreams." "He said that?" She flushed delightedly. "He certainly did." "Oh " She laughed suddenly and felt indescribably happy. For surely no man thought or spoke on those lines, if his heart were completely set on another girl. Why should she not hope and believe in her future 130 happiness? Why should not Reid recover from his infatuation for Caroline, just as she herself had grown out of her youthful passion for Oliver? Looking back afterwards, she was always glad to remember that nothing spoilt the tranquil joy of her own wedding. Worries there might have been beforehand. Problems there might be afterwards. But, during the service, and the small, intimate family reception which followed, she was quietly and completely happy. "I don't think I ever saw anyone look so happy as you did," Katherine said to her, as she helped her sister change into her going-away suit of grey, edged with squirrel. "Once or twice, in the beginning, you know, I felt anxious about you. I thought maybe you were taking Reid for family reasons, in spite of all your protests. But when I saw the way you looked as you came down the aisle after the ceremony, I knew it was all right." "Oh, Kate! Was it so obvious?" "You bet it was! And quite right too," Katherine said, giving her a hug. "Have a wonderful time in Italy. But I'm sure you will. Reid's the kind to give any girl a wonderful time. What a good thing Caroline What's-her-name went and snaffled old Oliver, or you might have got yourself tied up with him." "I don't think I should have. It simply had to be Reid," Leslie, insisted. And in that moment she was actually grateful to Caroline for having taken Oliver off her hands. Such are the beautiful, arrogant heights to which happiness can lift us. It was over at last. They had run the gauntlet of parental blessing (her father), a few sentimental but happy tears (her mother), and an ill-directed shower of confetti (Alma), And they were in the car on the way to London, where they were to spend the night, and take the early morning plane to Milan the next day. They drove through the bright, early autumn after131 noon, past orchards where apples and pears hung heavy on the trees, and fields where the dark golden corn was being stacked. And Leslie thought the worldhad never been more beautiful, and that it was not humanly possible to be more happy than she. "How did you enjoy your wedding, my sweet?" Reid asked at last, and she was aware that they must have been silent for a long time. "I loved it." He laughed. "Girls always like weddings, I understand. Even other people's." "Maybe. But one's own is always something special." "Why, yes, I suppose it is. Even " He stopped, because a big car was racing towards them, and he had to take the bend carefully. "Rash idiot," he remarked to Leslie, when they were past."Yes. But what were you saying, Reid?" "Something in general praise of weddings, wasn't I? Good heavens, just look at that orchard. Heaviest crop we've seen so far." She stared at the orchard, and hated its mellow beauty. But she managed to say something appropriate. And much harder she managed not to yield to the temptation of forcing him back .on to the subject they had so abruptly left. What was the qualification he had been going to make, with such careless matter-of-factness, about their own wedding? Until they reached London, and the hotel where they were to stay, the question tormented her. In the luxury hotel where Reid had assumed she would like to stay, a very beautiful suite had been reserved. And so obviously pleased was he to be providing her with the very best of everything on her honeymoon that she had to conceal from him, at all costs, her dismay at discovering how very palatial and un-intimate the suite was. 132 There were two bedrooms and a sitting-room which seemed excessive for one night, Leslie could not help thinking. And, for the first time, the dreadful idea came to her that perhaps he still regarded their marriage as a friendly compromise rather than an actual fact. Was. this his tactful way of indicating that the wedding need not radically change the relationship between them for the time being? She told herself that she was being fanciful. And then that even if she had guessed right she must be patient. The family necessity had forced them into a seeming intimacy for which he might think neither of them was ready. "But, if he thinks that, how am I to make him see otherwise?" she thought desperately. "And, if I can't make him see it, how am I to bear it?" They had arrived too late for dinner. But they had supper together in the brilliant, beautiful restaurant, and danced for a while afterwards to a superb band. But, all the while, this new and terrible problem hovered in the back of her consciousness and, try as she would, she could not be at ease with him. "Well, we're due at the air office at a fiendishly early hour in the morning," he said at last. "It's about time we turned in, isn't it, and got what sleep we can?" "I expect so." "Would you like a drink before you go up?" "No, thank you." She wondered if she sounded as cold and casual to him as she did to herself. She thought perhaps she must have, because he gave her an amused, rather quizzical glance as he patted her shoulder, and said, "All right. I think I will. Good night, my sweet. Sleep well. I'll see you tomorrow morning about six." "Good night," she said, and went calmly towards the lift. And'no one least of all Reid could have guessed that her heart was dead within her. 133
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