Right now, I didn’t want therapy. I didn’t even want to get better, because I figured the journey, if a better mental state was even possible, was going to be far more painful than simply cutting our losses.
Granted, for me, cutting losses meant everything, since she was the only human I had even considered wanting to get to know in a long time, but for her, it wasn’t all that bad. It was a mistake, at most. She could go back to her life and be perfectly fine. If I tried to be the sensitive, apologetic man she seemed to want, I felt I would be apologizing more than I would be doing anything else.
I didn’t want to hurt her. I simply wanted to part ways, before I ended up ruining her life.
However, as I lay across the campsite from her, I still couldn’t help the knowledge of how attracted I was to her. After everything that had happened, the allure I felt went far beyond the idea that I was still responsible for her, safety, or even that of her beauty. Of course, I wanted to see that she was safe, but I knew that I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to her.
I didn’t want to follow her today, because I didn’t want to be in her life anymore than I was already, but now that I had, I was glad to be here with her.
Even though we were arguing, and I was the one being stubborn, I was content, in a way. Whatever we had, being close to her, in any capacity felt right.
I liked doing things for her. As much as I complained and teased her about not making a camp for herself, I was pleased to have the excuse to make my presence known. I was happy to help her, and I wanted to always be the one to help her.
Yet, that intense sense of commitment to her was only a portion of what I was feeling. The other part of me still wanted to leave her as quickly as possible, though I know that I would never actually do it.
Even if I tried, apparently, Jake wouldn’t let me do it.
So, after heavily contemplating all of this, my mind wandered into the idea of what it will really mean when Carrie returns to her normal life.
Am I going to want to visit her? I thought. Am I going to yearn for her, like I do now? I contemplated, even though I knew it was best for me to stay away.
I also wondered if knowing that I was still capable of these feelings would change the way I felt about everyone else. Do I want to return to live a normal life? Should I try to move on, or would I just be setting myself up for failure?
Really, though, what do you have to lose? I thought, this time growing slightly annoyed. I roughly turned on my side, so that the fire, and the small outline of Carrie across the campsite was at my back. I didn’t want to look at her, because I didn’t want to be drawn in by her charm.
Why the hell does this woman make me want to be back in the society that I had completely, successfully disowned? I wondered, shutting my eyes tightly and grinding my teeth with aggravation.
Even though I thought about all of this for far too long, I was even more frustrated by the fact that I never was able to come up with an answer. I still couldn’t understand why this woman was so special to me, when I really didn’t know her much at all.
It was almost as though I was put under a spell that I both loved and hated. Perhaps it was what I needed, but maybe it was going to be the death of me.
I supposed that only time would tell, since I clearly wasn’t able to figure it out for myself.
For a long time, I tossed and turned, annoyed by the glow of the fire and the hardness of the ground, but kept awake by the racing of my thoughts.
However, eventually, I was finally able to fall asleep, thankfully allowing me to escape my thoughts and fall dreamlessly into a deep, encompassing slumber.
Chapter 17: Carrie
The following morning, I awoke, feeling eyes on me.
I tried to ignore it and turn over, but I continued to feel the eyes piercing into the back of my head.
Eventually, the feeling became too much. I groaned and rolled over. Johnathan was sitting there, staring at me, possibly watching me sleep. I wasn’t sure how I should feel about this, though I couldn’t help an initial sense of comfort flow over me.
While I was still curious as to why he was staring at me, I was pleased that he was there.
I started to grin at him but then, I remembered everything that transpired.
I narrowed my eyes and started to get up.
“Whoa, be careful. What are you doing?” He insisted.
“I’m sure you want to get a move on, so let’s go. The sooner we get to the ranger’s station, the sooner you can get me out of your hair.”
At first, Johnathan didn’t answer me, and I wasn’t sure why. After all, the night before, he had made it crystal clear that he was going whether I was ready to go or not. So, I was simply trying to comply, knowing that the sooner we were able to get going, the sooner I could return to civilization and put this whole experience behind me.
Still, it appeared he was searching through the insults I had flung at him to figure out an appropriate way to respond.
He wasn’t usually so careful with his words, so I was curious about what made him be so cautious now.
“Okay, so, I’m not good at this anyway, but you just made it a little harder. Thank you, very much. You seem to have a talent for that,” he hissed, but didn’t give me time to rebuke before he replied, “I’m trying to say, I’m sorry. You were right. I was out of line and I didn’t mean what I said. I was reacting to what you were telling me. I was angry that you had figured me out so easily, and because you were showing me a part of myself that I don’t like. I thought a lot about this last night and I figured that the decent thing to do would be to tell you the truth. If this is going to be the last time we see each other, I don’t want you to remember me as a total asshole.”
“And why is that?”
“Because I…Work really hard at being the right…a specific…You know what, never mind. Any way I say that is going to sound awful,” he insisted and this time, he let out a small chuckle that I believed might actually be genuine.
I grinned back at him, pleased that he was finally opening up to me. I was so excited, that the anger I felt dissipated completely.
“It’s okay. I forgive you…and I am sorry for giving you the truth in such a hurtful manner,” I answered in a slightly teasing voice.
“Well, that was probably the worst apology I’ve ever heard,” he answered, but continued to keep a small grin curled in the corner of his mouth, which made my heart flutter.
I giggled, “No, but seriously, I am sorry if I hurt you. That wasn’t my intention.”
“Yeah, I know,” he insisted, folding his hands together in a manner that made me feel as though he had more that he wanted to get off his chest.
I was cautious, not wanting to be too pushy, so I simply waited and listened, hoping that I came across as welcoming.
“The truth is…that I’m still not sure I should be telling you this…but here it goes. You are right. I have written off humanity, completely, for about five years now. I only go into town when I really need food, or when I am starting to get cabin fever. I was never much of a people person to begin with but after…an incident, my ability to cope was…bad. I was suicidal, anti-social and, just a burden on anyone who tried to help me. I would show up drunk to the friends that I still had and did a few…regrettable things in pursuit of closure. I never hurt anyone, or anything like that, but eventually, I decided that it was better for everyone if I wasn’t around anymore. Honestly, I’m too much of a coward to kill myself, besides, the dog needs me.”
At this, as though knowing he was being referred to, Jake groaned in his sleep and turned over, his large body thudding down on the ground, shaking it slightly.
“I’m sorry,” I answered quietly, carefully getting to my feet and hobbling over to sit beside him.
“Yeah, it sucked. I didn’t want anything to do with anyone. I chased away anyone who tried to visit me and eventually, people got the hint. I’m not hiding from anything, except maybe respon
sibility,” he chuckled, “But meeting you, it’s given me a new perspective. There is something about you that I can’t put out of my mind.”
“Awe,” I insisted, placing my hand overtop his as a smile overtook my features.
“No, please don’t be happy about that. It’s been a pain in the ass,” he insisted and then, quickly added, “Remember, I’m being honest here. I don’t want to lie to you.” With that, he pulled his hand out of my grasp and looked down, between his knees, as though he was truly ashamed of something, “You’re right. I have been trying to push you away and that is the reason I said those things to you. I’ve been trying to pick a fight with you, trying to get you out of my head.” At this, he looked at me through a sideways glance and let out a long breath, “I didn’t know how to handle these feelings. I thought that there was no way I could ever feel that way again and then, with you, it was just so damn easy. I wanted you from the first time I saw you, but it was more than just sexual…which was strange, because I didn’t even know you…Then, I got to know you a little better and there wasn’t anything that you did that turned me off…Trust me, I tried to find something, but even your honesty was a turn-on.” His shoulders rose and fell as he spoke, as though he wasn’t quite sure how to continue.
I didn’t want to interrupt him, but briefly wondered if he was looking for encouragement.
However, before I could think of anything I deemed appropriate to say, he started to speak again, “I mean, it’s weird to me, having someone give a shit about me. Most of my friends just eventually left me to my own devices, or would agree with me, trying to make me feel better. There wasn’t one person I knew who had the balls to tell me what they felt, how they perceived how I was acting, so I eventually didn’t want anything to do with any of them. I moved up here and things got better. I wasn’t so hateful. Then, the loneliness got to me and to combat that, I convinced myself that there was no way I would let anyone do anything like this to me again. So, I cut myself off from everyone I knew. Then, you came along and screwed it all up,” at that, he chuckled, and his eyes were alight with humor as they gazed at me.
I grinned, though I felt bad. I still didn’t know what it was that had made him feel this way, but I was certain this was a terrible way to live.
“I’m sorry…I think?” I replied, trying to add some lightheartedness to the conversation.
“No, I guess, ultimately it was good, because it made me face a lot of shit. I mean, Jake is a good dog, but…”
“He’s a dog?”
“Yeah, so he was pretty much just as complacent as everyone else…However, not when it came to you. He immediately liked you.”
“Well, the feeling is mutual.” I exclaimed as my eyes wandered over to Jake, who was now asleep on his back, with his paws up in the air, looking like he was dreaming about running. I looked back at Johnathan, now with amorous, hopefully encouraging intent and replied in a playfully teasing manner, “You, on the other hand, I still think I need to warm up to you.”
He laughed, “Good luck. Not even I’ve managed to do that yet.”
I shook my head and rolled my eyes, now growing a little more serious with him, “Well, the first thing you need to do is start to trust yourself. If you put too much trust in other people, you’re bound to get let down more often than anything else.”
“Considering I’m a grown-ass man who became a mountain man because I didn’t want to deal with my problems, tells me that my own personality is a little shaky,” he replied with a serious note to his jibe.
“Sometimes people need to get away,” I insisted, “I mean, there was nothing wrong with my life and I came here to get away. If something detrimental happened to me, there’s a possibility I would come up here.”
“Yeah, I chose here because of the cabin. My grandfather left it to me. I would use it to fish, but when I decided to fall off the map, I decided it was the perfect place to land.”
“For being a fishing cabin, it is extremely homey,” I admitted, “Very quiet and comforting.”
“I agree. It’s the last thing I have that connects me to my family.”
“What about your parents?”
“I haven’t spoken to them in a long time,” he admitted, “I don’t know what they think about me. They might even think I’m dead.”
“Well, that’s a terrible thing to make them believe.”
He shrugged, “I didn’t tell them that and it wasn’t like they were a beacon of support…I was kinda the black sheep of the family. Not that I ever did anything wrong, I just did things my own way, so they distanced themselves from me. Bad for their image.”
“Oh…” I answered, unsure exactly what that meant, but I figured if it was important, he would enlighten me. “That’s sad.”
“It is what it is. I went to them for help, they told me to fuck off…Not in so many words, but that was the bush they were beating around.”
“Wow,” I thought aloud, “My parents and I have had our differences, but if I ever needed anything…”
“Yeah, my brother could go to my parents with a body in his trunk and they’d help him hide it…Probably take the secret to their grave, but me, I was always considered a liability.”
“I’m sorry,” I admitted, “That can’t be easy.”
“Eh, it was fine. You learn to deal with that kind of shit. At least my parents were honest about who they were. They always treated me like crap,” he chuckled slightly, but it was a humorless laugh, that made me sad for him.
“Listen, I know I was kind of joking around before, but I am really sorry for what I said and how I said it. I was trying to help, but I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Trust me, you didn’t,” he insisted, “I was just bitching because I didn’t want to hear what you were telling me. I hated that you were right. That’s all it was.”
“Well, then I’m sorry for going to bed angry. I know, in your own way, you were trying to apologize, and I completely shut you down.”
Johnathan snickers at this and reminded me, “You know, we aren’t an old married couple, so shit like that doesn’t matter…” As he spoke, however, his voice softened, and he added, “Not yet, anyway.”
I felt my stomach do summersaults as I laid my head on his shoulder in response. Carefully, I laced my fingers in his, holding his hand tightly as I asked, “Johnathan, is there anything I can do to prove to you that I do, genuinely care about you?”
“I’m starting to believe it,” he admitted, “But unfortunately, there really isn’t anything that anyone can do. I mean, I’m willing to give it a shot, which is a big step for me, giving you, or anyone the benefit of the doubt, but ultimately, time is all that will help make me certain of your intentions.”
At first, I felt as though we were making progress, but when he slid his hand out of mine again and sighed, I could tell there was something more that he wasn’t saying.
“Okay,” I insisted, “what is the problem, then?”
“While I can give you credit on some levels, I’m not sure I am willing to invest the amount of time, since I’ve done that already…but that’s also the only source of proof.”
“That isn’t fair, Johnathan,” I answered, turning toward him now, feeling frustrated by his stonewalling me.
“I understand that,” he explained, raising his shoulders in a manner that showed me he was just as frustrated at the situation as I was. “Like I said, I’m trying to be honest.”
“Yes, but if you really want this to work, you must give me something to work towards, to work with,” I let out a calming breath and grasped his hand with both of mine, “I am willing to put in the time. I can be patient with you. I just need you to be willing to do the same for me, or it isn’t going to work.”
“Then, maybe it shouldn’t work,” he answered in a finalizing manner that annoyed me.
“If you feel that way, why did you tell me all of this?” I inquired, feeling as though we had taken far more than simply two steps back in our
progress.
“Because, I want you to understand.”
“Why? If you don’t think it’s going to work, if you’re not even willing to try it, why even waste the time telling me any of this?”
“Can you tell me it’s going to work?”
“What?” I asked, not completely sure if he was actually asking me a question or speaking rhetorically.
“If we gave this a shot, could you tell me with absolute certainty that we were going to work?”
I narrowed my eyes, slightly confused by what he was trying to ask me, although I answered his question honestly, “Of course not. Nobody can say whether it’s gong to work or not, but you also can’t tell me for certainty that it isn’t going to work, unless we don’t even bother trying.”
“You’re right, but why try if there’s a possibility it’s going to fail?”
“Why not try, when the alternative is absolute failure.”
“Because what could’ve been is a lot easier to deal with then certain failure,” he answered honestly.
I drew a deep breath out, pitying him for what he was telling me, “If you truly believe that, then I can’t help you. For your sake, I hope I’m not the right one, and there is someone out there that will make you want to try it, but right now, here, with you, I am willing to take the risk.”
Broken: A Mountain Man's Romance Page 15
