I am supposed to be someone awesome and I’ve had that stripped from me. Maybe I shouldn’t be missing Franko’s party because of some woman I met a very long time ago, maybe I need a palate cleanser, someone to have a bit of fun with, and maybe Sandi is the perfect girl for that.
I push myself into a standing position with a determined look on my face. The image of a pregnant Lola with her husband by my side makes my head ache more and my heart hurt. I need to get rid of those feelings, they aren’t helping me at all. I can’t keep succumbing to them over and over again. I need to get back to being me, no matter what it takes.
“You know what.?” I say as I pass Sandi’s desk. “I’m headed home now. I’ll get something for my head from the drug store on the way then I can feel better for tonight.”
“You’re coming to Franko’s party?” Her eagerness almost makes me want to laugh. “Oh my God, that will be amazing. We will have such a great time.”
“Yeah, we will.” My voice is thick with promise. She can take that as she likes. “It’ll be a night we won’t forget.”
Then I leave with positivity filling me. Falling in love didn’t work out for me and I don’t think that being the thing becoming a big business man either. Maybe just being the fun loving party boy is all I’m meant to be. Maybe I’m not supposed to make my dad proud, instead I’m just supposed to spend his money having fun and dulling my emotions. That sounds much better to me anyway. Much better than moping and sitting at home alone, looking at my walls, wondering where it all went so wrong. My life isn’t wrong, I am wrong at the moment. But I can be right again.
Tonight, at Franko’s party, I will be reborn as myself. I cannot wait to see where that will take me.
Chapter 17 – Lola
“Okay, Dad?” I ask him cautiously as I help him sit into the chair. “You feeling okay?”
“Yes,” he lies through his teeth as his butt hits the chair hard. “I think so.”
“The specialist had a lot to say, didn’t she?” I ask desperately. I need him to connect with me, I really need to find out how he’s been feeling. I didn’t take on the third job at the local store to pay for his treatment just to not get anywhere with him. I need to know what he’s feeling now. “She had some good advice. Don’t you think?”
“I suppose so.” His head falls backwards and his eyes roll to the back of his head. “It’s just hard to take it all on board when I’m in so much pain.”
“Well she gave me a new prescription for you.” I scramble around in the bottom of my bag, trying to locate the piece of paper. “She said this would help with the pain. Do you want me to go and get it for you? I can head out to the drug store right now.”
He nods and lolls his head to one side. I think he must need some sleep. These days het gets really tired very quickly. Everything seems to take it out of him. As I push myself upwards until I’m standing, I glance down at him with nothing but sympathy in my eyes. He doesn’t deserve this, any of it. It isn’t fair. Over the last year everything has slid rapidly downhill and it makes me sick to think about. I feel like I’m losing my father, the only person I really have in my life, and I hate it. It sucks, it kills me.
As I push my way out into the cold air, I suck in a deep breath of air, trying to clear my lungs. My entire focus for the last twelve months has been my dad and I hate the fact that it doesn’t seem to even lead me anywhere. I just want an answer.
I also can’t believe that I’m here… in the city… the one place in the world I never planned to go. If only the specialist had been anywhere else in the world.
“Hey there, miss,” a gentleman outside a bar cat calls to me in a leering tone of voice. “Fancy coming in for a drink?”
A tight knot of stress coils around in my belly at his words. He makes me feel ill. I know I should just walk by and ignore him, but for some reason I can’t. All the pent up aggression that I’ve been feeling ever since I came to this damn place bursts out of me in an explosion. “Is that what you do? You stand outside a bar and try to lure people in?” I spin to stare at him to really drive my point home with a glare. “Is that working for you? Obviously not because you’re still here. Or maybe you’re like every other man and you just scarper when things get even a little real.”
Shit, I think I might be talking about something completely different now. I don’t want to let any of my real stuff out. I shake my head and I spin just as quickly to stalk away.
“What the hell?” he shouts as I stalk off. “You bitch!”
Urgh, what am I doing here? What the hell have I come to this place for? I’ve managed to avoid the city for most of my life, I don’t see how I’ve managed to end up here now. If it was for anyone else in the world, anyone but my dad, I just wouldn’t be here. Not when I know there’s a minute chance that I might see him.
I’ve spent the last year not thinking about Brandon Heath-Smith at all. Every time he’s cropped up into my mind I’ve done something different to distract myself, but now that I’m here in the same place as him, it isn’t as easy. Knowing my damn luck, I’ll bump into him and a number of floozies just to rub salt in the wound that I’m still living my boring old life in the town, and he’s living it up here. A reminder that he left me because I’m so dull.
I just need to get my ass to the drug store, then back to the motel. That’s it.
Once I’ve locked the world out, it’ll be so much easier. Then I can forget all about Brandon, the city, and all of the past that I don’t want to think about anymore. I can focus just on Dad, the one person who really needs me. All the other stuff is meaningless.
I breathe out a sigh of relief as I finally see the store I need and I push the door open to step inside. The warmth brushes past my cheeks and stains them a funny shade of red. There are a few other people in the store and just because I really don’t want to end up in anymore awkward conversations with anyone I fix my eyes on the ground and I step forwards.
There’s a queue at the counter, so I take my position at the back and I wait. As I do I tap my feet on the ground impatiently. I’m like a coiled up spring ready to explode.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
“Oh my God!” I mutter to myself in shock as my cell phone blasts out. My heart pounds angrily as I’m shaken from my spiraling thoughts. I don’t even take a moment to stare at my screen because the noise is so loud. I just hit the answer button. “Hello?”
“Oh hi, it’s Doreen.” I blow out some relieved air as I realize it’s my only friend. My only real friend in the world, the older lady who works at the bar where I can barely play anymore because I work so much. “I just wanted to check in to see how you’re doing.”
She might not be the ideal person who I want to be my friend, but she’s the only one who cares enough about me to check in. A warm, fuzzy feeling fills my chest.
“Hey, Doreen. Yeah, all good thanks. We went to see the specialist today and I think she had some great things to say to help out Dad.”
“Hmm, and how does he feel about it all?” She knows him too well. “Let me guess, he barely listened to any of it. Now he’s sleeping it off somewhere.”
“Are you here?” I ask in a teasing tone. “Because that’s exactly what happened. Now I’m at the drug store picking up some pain pills for him. Hopefully that’ll help him with his pain.”
“Oh girl, you go through so much. I wish there was more I could do to help you.”
I cradle the phone closer to my ear and listen to her caring voice. “Oh thank you, Doreen, I wish that you were here too. You’re so awesome.”
“You’re the one who’s awesome, sweetie. You’re the one who goes through so much.”
“I don’t know about that. I just do what I can.” I edge ever closer to the counter. “I just want Dad to be okay.” I get a little choked up. “I don’t want to lose him like I lost Mom.”
Oh God, this is too much. I don’t want to end up an emotional wreck in the middle of the drug store. Why did I bring up Mo
m? That was such a mistake. Now I can feel the tears building up, desperately wanting to fall. Shit, I’m a damn mess.
“Anyway, I better go,” I tell Doreen thickly. “I’ll give you a call a bit later, okay?”
“Well just know that we’re all here thinking of you, wishing you and your dad well.”
That’s the one thing I love about living in a small town, not that it’s so small anymore but I don’t want to worry about that because it leads to dreaded thoughts of him, but people really care. I might be lonelier than I’ve ever been, I might feel like I don’t really have anyone, but I do. It’s just me who keeps myself distant.
“Thank you, Doreen. I appreciate your support. Speak soon.”
As I hang up the phone I bite down on my bottom lip to keep the emotion locked away. I keep throwing myself into work to try and distract myself from him, but it’s also meant I’ve locked myself away from everyone else. I’ve been so concerned, not letting another man in so he can’t hurt me again, that I’ve let no one in. No one.
Urgh, the fact that I’ve made my own life difficult is horrible.
“Can I help you, miss?” the pharmacist asks me, grabbing my attention.
“Oh, sorry.” I glance up to see his warm brown eyes drawing me in. He smiles at me, and his friendly nature allows my shoulders to relax just a little bit. “Yes please. I have a prescription here.” I grab it out of my bag and hand it to him. “It’s for my father.”
“Right of course, I will sort that for you.”
I tap my fingers against the counter as I wait for him to sort it out for a moment. I feel sickly impatient while I wait for him. It’s only been a few seconds, but I’m so desperate to get away from everyone else that it feels like forever.
I tie myself up tightly, my fingers coil around the edge of the counter, a sickness swirls inside of my stomach. I don’t know why, but I have the intense sensation that something is really wrong. Maybe it’ll be the pills, maybe the specialist won’t have written out the script right, or maybe it’s just a bolt of anxiety that hasn’t really come from anywhere. It’s bolting through me, consuming me, sending fizzing electricity all over me… but not the pleasant kind. It’s very uncomfortable.
Damn this stupid city. I need to get out of here. It’s messing with my mind.
“Here it is.” Eventually he turns around and he hands me a package. “And here’s the paper work to sign for it.”
“Right thank you.”
I scribble my name down and take the bag from him, trying to shake off the horrible sensation inside my chest. I have the drugs now, I can help my dad, I don’t know why I’m still feeling off. Maybe I need to grab myself some pills while I’m in here, something to get rid of my headache or to calm me down. I don’t know what, but I might as well try and help myself while I’m here.
“Thank you for that.”
I turn on my heels and head towards the shelves, I feel guilty for thinking about myself. And not just with the headache pills, but with all of it. I need to stop worrying about a ghost from my past, there’s so many people here that I’m not going to see him, there’s no chance at all. I can’t get myself all worried about him when he doesn’t exist anymore. Not to me. Just because he had a profound effect on my life, doesn’t mean I have to lose myself along the way.
I force a smile up onto my lips as I move through the aisles, just trying to make myself be happy. I want to fake it until I make it. For my dad’s sake. I can do it for him.
But then it falls away when I sense a prickle on the back of my neck, a sensation that someone is staring at me, intently like they know me. It can’t be, I know it can’t, there’s just no way… but it kinda feels like it might be. I need to spin around, just in case, just to rule out the possibility.
Chapter 18 – Brandon
Oh my God. I shake my head and blink a few times, trying to correct my vision. It can’t be. It just can’t.
But it is. The thing is I know it is. I can just sense it right down to my bones. When I first came home to the city, I thought I saw her here, but that long vanished when I realized that I was just being stupid. She wouldn’t come here, there’s just no way. Not when she hates me. But now, a year later when I’ve just decided to move on with my life, here she is again.
“L… Lola?” I stammer awkwardly, feeling all weird inside. “Is that you?”
She looks the same. Exactly the same with her flame red hair, and her bright blue eyes, but she looks like a different person as well. She hasn’t got her sweet little cowgirl outfit on, or anything similar. She has a plain white tee shirt and dark denim skinny jeans on. She looks quite a lot like every other girl in the city. The spark isn’t there as much within her anymore.
“Brandon?” She looks resigned as she says this. “What are you doing here?”
“Me?” I take a tentative step closer to her. “I live here. What are you doing here?”
Her expression hardens. I can almost see the shitty way that I left her spinning through her mind. I want to reach out to her, to touch her, to try and connect with her again, but I know it’s the wrong thing to do. I know she’ll snatch her arm away as if she’s been burned and the way that my fragile heart is hammering, I don’t think I can take it.
“I’m here for my father,” she says quietly. “He needs to see a specialist.”
I part my lips, wondering if I should offer to pay again, almost as an automatic reaction, but I quickly stop myself at the last moment. We aren’t in that place anymore… to be honest I don’t know if we were in that place ever. I think I overstepped even then.
“Oh right, I see. That’s… I’m sorry to hear that. I hope he’s doing okay.”
“He will be, I hope. I guess we’ll just have to see.”
I nod a few times, wondering what I should say next. This is the second chance that I’ve always wanted, that I never knew I would ever get. I could explain now, I could tell her that I made a mistake when I left her behind, when I decided to pick my career over my love life, but hearing it in my mind with her standing in front of me, they just sound like pathetic excuses. There are so many ways I could have apologized for that, so many times I could have made it okay, but I didn’t. I’m a pitiful human being.
“Did you want to…” I start, about to break the ice and just offer for her to come out for a drink with me. I hope that when we loosen the tension around us, we might actually be about to make things okay, but I don’t get to finish my sentence.
“Oh, Brandon!” Franko’s voice rings out as he crackles loudly and grabs my shoulder. He might be fun, but it seems that he’s rubbish at reading the room. “You are coming out for my birthday, right? That little hot thing that works for you, Sandi with the big boobs.” I slide my eyes closed in dismay at his horrible way of describing my personal assistant… in front of Lola too. Now she’ll think I’m a sexist pig. Probably me too. “Well she told me that you were hesitant at first, but now you’re all for it.”
“Oh well…” I don’t know anymore, things have changed now. I shrug, but Franko doesn’t seem to sense my hesitancy.
“Good, because it isn’t a night without you. You’re always the wild one who makes things get crazy. Oh and between you and me, Sandi is seriously hot for you.” Oh God, this man needs a punch just to shut him up. “Actually that isn’t between you and me, she’s been telling everyone for weeks how she wants to ride you. I think that you’re in for another hot affair.”
He pats me again then walks off, calling out how he’ll see me later as he goes. He blows in like a hurricane, then swishes out again leaving a God damn trail of destruction behind him. I don’t even need to look at Lola again to know that she’s disgusted in me. She never got to know the playboy version of me. The man that she spent time with was someone better.
“Well, it sounds like you have a fun night ahead of you,” she says coldly, not even meeting my eyes as she does. “I better not interrupt.”
“No, wait.” She takes a step away f
rom me but I reach out to grab her arm to stop her. “Please, Lola. You can’t just go. You can’t just breeze into my life and leave again without giving me a chance to explain.”
“I’m not here for you,” she snaps angrily. “I came here for my father. If I wanted to see you, I would have contacted you, wouldn’t I? But I didn’t. I wouldn’t want to speak to someone who thinks it’s okay to just vanish without even saying goodbye.”
That causes my hand to fall away from her because I know that she’s right. I did leave her. I did run away like a coward without even explaining. I should be punished for that. She should hate me. I wish I could be better for her but I can’t. I can’t be what she wants.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper back to her “I know I don’t deserve it, but please just give me a chance to explain. I want to tell you why…”
“You’ve had a whole year to tell me why.” She holds up a bag of pills to me. “Now I need to get back to my dad because he needs me, or did you forget all about my complicated life when you left to come back to a life of partying and screwing poor innocent girls who work for you. Real classy of you by the way.”
“That’s not me. That’s just what Franko said…”
“So you’ve never done that?” She throws her hands onto her hips angrily, knowing that she has me pinned into a corner. I have acted that way before, I have been that person. But I’m not anymore. How can I make her understand that? “Just what I thought…”
Broken: A Mountain Man's Romance Page 81
