by Lori Ryan
She didn’t mean to stare, but she couldn’t bring herself to tear her eyes off him. As he wiped his face on his T-shirt, he glanced up at her and met her eyes. She groaned, knowing he’d be able to see the unconcealed lust in her eyes.
She hadn’t intended to let him know how much she wanted him. How much being locked in this cabin with him day after day had her burning with hunger.
Chad’s eyes heated and his step faltered for a brief second. She looked away, swallowing to try to hide the emotions creeping up on her. She hated feeling this way. Hated needing him so much. Maybe if she kept her eyes averted, he would walk past her into the house to take his shower as he always did after his run and swim.
But, even as Jennie thought it, she knew a big part of her didn’t want that. Part of her wanted him to satisfy this hunger, this craving for him that never went away. That only seemed to grow stronger each day.
Jennie felt, rather than heard, Chad stop next to her. He knelt down and she turned to look, shocked by the burning in his eyes, the intensity of the need that mirrored her own. Once again, he held her captive. She was utterly unable to break the fierce connection that burned between them. Her breath began to come too quickly and she wondered if he could see the intensity of her body’s reaction to him.
She felt naked, open to him, knowing he could read everything in her eyes. Including the shock that registered when he reached up and pulled the straps of her sundress and bra down over her shoulders. She knew he caught the sharp intake of breath when his fingers slipped into the cups of her dress and bra, lowering them to expose breasts already peaked with desire for him. So sensitive, she could swear he’d be able to make her come focusing only on her breasts.
He didn’t speak as he lowered his lips to savor first one tight nipple and then the other. He didn’t say anything when she sucked in her breath, the feel of his mouth on her breast, instantly making her body thrum with heightened arousal, with growing need.
His eyes continued to watch her, to hold her in place, while his tongue traveled to the soft skin of the slopes of her cleavage. Skin that was so sensitive now, Jennie instantly felt the telltale build of orgasm coiling low in her belly.
She heard a whimpering moan and knew it was her own. She wanted his lips on hers. Wanted to wrap her limbs around him as he entered her, but he didn’t give that to her.
He lowered himself, nestling between her legs as he lifted the skirt of her dress. Jennie’s body was on fire, every touch of his hands and his mouth driving her into a frenzy of sensation. At his urging, she lifted her hips while he slid her panties down.
He used his shoulders to spread her thighs wide. His mouth was hot and wet and warm and she squirmed, raising her hips greedily in response as moan after moan left her lips. It felt completely right and completely wrong, all at once.
With gentle, persistent pressure, Chad brought Jennie to a shuddering orgasm. He drew it out with dizzying perfection, leaving her limp and stunned. Then, without a word, he covered her with her dress and walked into the house.
She sat there, stunned into silence, and tried to figure out if that had really happened or if she’d just let her imagination run away with her. If she’d wanted it so bad, she’d finally let herself believe the fantasy. If she’d wake up any minute to find it had only been a dream.
Chapter 30
Chad seemed to know when Jennie’s body was coiled so tight with need she thought she would snap. He’d walk up behind her when she was washing dishes and begin the slow burn she craved with every part of her being.
He’d kiss her neck, letting his tongue trace a path across spots she never knew could feel so good. He’d wrap his arms around her body, tweaking her nipples and slipping his hand into her panties to find her wet and slick.
Her body responded so quickly and intensely to his hands. He brought her to orgasm so easily that it shocked and embarrassed Jennie.
One morning, she woke to his kisses on her breasts. Again, he gave her needs priority, biting and nipping, licking and laving as she fell apart in his arms. But, she couldn’t help but notice, he never kissed her on the mouth. He never made love to her or held her.
And, when she tried to turn around, to wrap her arms around him or to touch him, he held her in place. As soon as she had an orgasm, he vanished in a heartbeat, leaving her confused and alone.
She knew she should stop him, but when he wasn’t touching her, her body’s demand for his touch was so great she thought it would break her. She was edgy with want when his hands weren’t on her. And the minute the contact began, she was weak with the overwhelming swamp of desire and arousal, with the aching pleasure he brought. She could no more refuse his touch than she could cut off her own arm.
But, now a new ache was beginning. Jennie was desperate for the tender way he’d kissed her when they made love in Florida. She wanted the connection their lovemaking had brought. Her arms tingled with the need to reach out for him. Jennie cried into her pillow at night, begging her heart to let her go. To let her fall for this man who loved her and sacrificed over and over for her.
But her heart wouldn’t free her. It still belonged to Kyle, and Kyle alone.
And as time went on, Jennie felt Chad slipping further and further away from her. He closed himself off to her more and more. His eyes became cold and shuttered when he looked at her. She saw walls going up between them that she was powerless to scale.
And, she couldn’t blame him one bit. She was hurting him. Only taking, never giving. She knew it. She knew what was happening between them was only causing him further pain and heartache. And that ripped at Jennie’s heart. Some days, she wanted to leave. To put space between them instead of living in this limbo that held them both captive.
Chad knocked and opened the door, drawing Jennie out of her thoughts. He held one of the disposable phones in his hand. Her heart skipped as she hoped for news from home. Maybe even news that meant she was safe and they could return.
“Jack called. Agent Burke is pushing for you to make a statement. Jack doesn’t know how long he can hold him off, so we need to begin to prepare for that. We may have to make a short trip home to appease them and then slip you out of there again.”
Jennie nodded at him, frightened at the idea of going home to make a statement, but excited at the possibility of getting to see her friends. Of being able to talk to her mom.
Chad held the phone out to her. “Kelly wants to talk to you. She’s on a burner phone, too, so take as long as you need.”
He shut the door with a quiet snick and Jennie grasped the phone like a lifeline. She couldn’t believe how much she missed her friends, her life. The need to talk to her girlfriends, just to have them listen to her and tell her things would be all right was overwhelming.
“Kelly? Oh, my God, I can’t believe it’s you. I miss you guys so much. Tell me about Maddy. How is she? Is she growing? How big is she?”
Kelly laughed and filled Jennie in on life in Connecticut and gave her updates on Maddy, who she said was “growing more beautiful by the day.”
Before Jennie knew it, she was spilling out the truth. She told Kelly what happened with Chad in Florida, about the baby, everything. All of the mixed-up feelings that filled her head and her heart every day.
She needed to have her best friend know the truth, know everything that was going on, even if they couldn’t talk every day like they used to. She felt like she wasn’t herself any longer and she knew Kelly would understand that.
But, Kelly was unusually quiet after Jennie stopped talking, and an uneasy feeling settled over her.
“Kelly? Are you still there?” Kelly should be reassuring her that everything would be okay, shouldn’t she?
“Oh God, Jennie.”
Jennie could hear in her friend’s voice that she was crying and she didn’t understand why.
“Jennie, I have to tell you something. I’m so, so sorry. We didn’t mean for any of this to happen,” Kelly said, her voice thick with
tears.
Dread crept over her and Jennie wanted to hang up. She didn’t want Kelly to keep going. Didn’t want to know what Kelly meant by that. Because whatever Kelly was about to tell her couldn’t be good.
And Jenny could tell it would change things forever. Change things in ways that couldn’t be undone.
“What are you talking about?” Jennie asked, not at all sure she wanted to hear the answer, but not able to hang up without knowing.
“When Jack sent you to the resort, he sent you and Chad together as honeymooners on purpose. He and Andrew thought it would nudge you and Chad to see if there was something real between you or not. I... Oh, God, Jennie. I’m so sorry. I knew and I let them do it.”
Jennie felt cold. She didn’t even know what to say. How could Kelly do this? How could this happen?
“Jennie, please, say something. Just talk to me.”
Jennie’s voice sounded foreign to her when she answered. “What do you want me to say, Kelly? I trusted you. I thought you were my friend and I trusted you with the truth about Kyle.”
Suddenly Jennie was screaming and she didn’t care. She didn’t stop when Chad came in the room or when she heard Kelly sobbing on the other end of the phone. Something inside of her just broke and there wasn’t any stopping the anger and rage that came out.
“How could you do this to me? You knew how I felt about Kyle! You knew I didn’t want this! Why would you think it was okay to play with my life this way? I’m pregnant now, Kelly. My, God! What have you done?” Jennie threw the phone at the wall, where it broke, falling to the floor and cutting the call off.
The room was quiet for a minute as understanding dawned on Jennie. She looked up, horrified. Chad must have known. When she met his gaze, it was clear. The guilt was etched on his face.
“Oh, God. You didn’t. Please, please tell me you didn’t know about this,” she said, closing her eyes and shaking her head against the truth.
“I didn’t know, Jennie. I suspected but I didn’t know for sure.” He was quiet and calm. Just like he always was. Steadfast in the face of anything, it seemed. Anything. Just as calm as he always was.
But this was her life. Something in Jennie snapped.
“When, Chad? When did you suspect?” She spat out. She wanted to grab him and shake him.
He didn’t answer for a few beats.
“In Jack’s office. When he told us he was sending us,” he said, just as quiet as ever.
“How could you know and not tell me? Why didn’t you stop them? What’s wrong with you?” Jennie was screaming again and on some level, she knew she should try to get herself under control but she couldn’t. It was as if her whole fucked-up, crazy life was coming to a head.
Before the Florida assignment she had finally felt the first glimmer of happiness since Kyle’s death—and now it was all lost. All at the hands of the people she’d thought were her friends. She’d been set up. She felt tears fall as her lip trembled and she bit down hard to stop it. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“I won’t regret the baby, Jennie. I’m sorry for everything else that’s happening, but I won’t regret our baby.” Chad’s voice was calm and he turned to walk away. Any control Jennie had left slipped away at his cool, collected response. So measured. So in control.
She chased after him, following him through the living room and out onto the porch. She pounded small fists on his back before he stalked off the steps and whipped around to face her. He stood in the dry grass in front of the porch watching her with stormy eyes.
“Do you even feel anything, Chad? Will you for once stop walking around, all in control and fucking calm? Do you have any idea what you all have done? I lost everything, Chad. Everything, when Kyle died. I lost myself.”
She couldn’t stop. Something in her broke and she couldn’t stop. “I had finally begun to build a new life with new friends, with people I thought cared about me. I started to let myself be just a little bit happy again. Was it too much to ask? Did I ask for too much by just wanting to have a little bit of a life again?” She scarcely took a breath, pouring all her anger into her words. “Now, it’s all screwed up again and you walk around here like you don’t feel anything about what’s happened.”
For only the second time since she’d known him, she saw the flash of anger on his face, so fierce her breath caught in her throat and she took an involuntary step back, away from him. She knew he would never hurt her on purpose, but the anger rolling off him was palpable. It seemed to force her backwards as if it had a life of its own, a power of its own.
“Not feel anything, Jennie? Are you fucking kidding me? I walk around here every day and I ache every fucking minute I’m with you. I’m so twisted up with loving you and hating you, I can’t breathe. I can’t keep my hands off you, but I can’t let myself kiss you because I might lose myself in you. I can’t make love to you because I’m afraid you’ll pretend I’m him. That you’ll close your eyes and pretend it’s Kyle inside you. I know you want his arms around you, not mine. I know you want it to be his baby inside you, not mine. And I know you can’t love me back, no matter what I do, because you’re still so in love with your husband, you can’t even begin to see me.”
He didn’t stop and she didn’t try to stop him. She was frozen in place as she watched Chad come undone. As she watched and realized his heartache was as big as hers.
“And every day, I have to sit here and wonder how I’ll be a part of my baby’s life. I wonder if you’ll let me be in the delivery room, if you’ll let me help you name the baby. I wonder how much money I’d have to offer the people who live across the street from you to buy their house, just so I can see my child grow up. If you’ll let me—” Chad stopped as if he’d run out of steam.
They stood in uneasy silence for a long time before he spoke again. He sounded worn out and bitter and angry, mirroring Jennie’s chaos of emotions.
“Am I feeling anything? Yeah. I’m feeling some fucking shit, Jen.” He turned and walked through the trees, leaving her on the porch of the cabin, ripped open. Feeling everything in her life was broken.
And, worse than the fact that she had no idea how to fix things, was the fact that she had no idea if she even wanted to.
Chapter 31
Chad slowed to a walk. He didn't know how many miles he’d run. Longer than his typical morning run. He shouldn’t have left Jennie alone at the cabin so long, but he knew he couldn’t go back there right now. He felt more mixed up than ever.
It was time to take Jennie home. He needed to get her back to New Haven. Get her testimony on record before they both got arrested for impeding a federal investigation. Then he’d figure out a way to keep her safe without the sheer and utter torture of living in a small, isolated cabin with her.
He didn’t know if his mom had been right about him wanting to be unhappy or not. Maybe he had done this to himself subconsciously. And if he had, he was sorry he'd dragged Jennie into it. She didn’t deserve to be paying the price for his fucked-up head.
Chad knew it was time to move on. He’d love his baby and he’d find a way to raise it with Jennie, as friends, but he needed to find a way to stop loving her.
Being here with her, and yet not with her, made him realize how important it was that he move on and build a life, create a family with someone who could love him back and make him happy.
He knew deep down his mother was right about one thing. He did feel guilty for coming home from the war. He’d left so many friends behind. Good people who already had families of their own waiting for them to come back.
And for reasons Chad couldn’t understand, he got to come home and many of them didn’t. And, yeah, he’d always hated that. Always wished he could have brought all of them back with him. So, yeah, maybe on some level, he’d though he shouldn’t get to have what they could never come back to: love, a family.
But he couldn’t go on like this. And he couldn’t wish to trade places with them because he wouldn’t wish
that pain on his mom or Jack or his friends. Taking a deep breath, Chad bent and put his hands on his knees and closed his eyes.
It’s time.
And as he took cleansing breath after cleansing breath, he let it all go. All the guilt and anger and feeling that maybe he was somehow undeserving of the life he had. The life that had been spared. And, he let his guilt over Jennie go as well.
He wouldn’t regret loving her even though he had to face the fact that she might never love him back. Her heart had been buried with her husband. But, maybe their baby would bring her some happiness, and for that, Chad would be grateful.
Taking one last deep breath, he turned back toward the cabin. It was time to take Jennie home.
They left the cabin three days later. Chad didn’t tell anyone they were coming. The less anyone knew about their whereabouts, the better. He still had plenty of cash stashed away so there was no need to use credit cards or anything that could be traced.
They planned to go to Jennie’s parents’ house first to see them, then spend no more than a day or two getting Jennie’s testimony taken care of before heading back to the cabin. From there, he’d figure out their next step.
He wasn’t thrilled with this plan, but Jennie was adamant about going to her parents’ house. And, she’d made a few good points in her argument. No one was expecting them. They wouldn’t call Burke until they arrived. They wouldn’t let anyone else know their location.
Even Chad had to admit, it was highly unlikely that Rick Bandon would be sitting on her parents’ house an hour away from where she lived. If anything, Bandon would be watching Jennie’s house or maybe Chad’s condo in New Haven.
So, in the end, she won. Meanwhile, Chad was brainstorming a longer-term way to keep her safe, one that didn’t require them to live in such close confines. He needed to find a way to step back and let the feelings he had for her fade away.
