Paige nodded. "I see what you mean." She reached across and took Tahnancoa's hand in her own. "I'm sorry, Tahnancoa."
What else could she say? She felt both angry and embarrassed for her white skinned race—and ashamed when she thought of how little they'd learned even during the next many years.
Their conversation shifted to other things, and soon it was time for Paige to ride home, before the winter afternoon turned to twilight and then darkness.
She'd taken her boots off, and now she struggled her way back into them.
Tahnancoa handed her the package of herbs. "Goodbye, Paige. I hope you will soon come again."
"I will," Paige promised. "The next time you and Dennis come in for supplies, come and visit me. I'd like to show you my office."
A shadow flitted across Tahnancoa's face. "I don't go with Dennis for supplies to the town. I tell him what I need, and he buys everything for me."
Paige understood, but she felt outraged that Tahnancoa should have to live in a sort of exile. "Come and spend the day with me next time. Dennis can drop you off and then pick you up again when he's finished shopping. You need to get away from here sometimes too, Tahny. It must get lonely for you."
"I go to visit my own people, at Poundmaker's reserve, when Dennis is away. But perhaps I will come to you. I would like to see where you live."
They parted with a hug.
On the way home, Paige urged Minnie into a trot whenever the ground was clear, and she found herself humming under her breath the whole way home.
"I thought I told you not to ride out to the Quinlans' alone, Paige." Myles's steely gray eyes were narrowed on her, his jaw clenched, his voice iron hard. "What in damnation are you trying to do, get yourself killed? When I give you a direct order, I expect you to obey it."
Paige could hardly believe she was hearing him correctly. "Obey? You expect me to obey you?" Her voice shrilled into the upper register. "I'm not one of your constables, Myles Baldwin, to order around as you choose. I don't take orders from you or anyone else."
Anger and bitter disappointment added to her vehemence. It was Friday, and he'd been gone a full week. He'd arrived at her back door less than half an hour ago, and she'd flown into his arms, aware of how alone she'd felt without him, telling him with her kiss how ridiculously pleased she was that he was back.
She'd missed their passionate lovemaking, the intimate conversations, the simple and intense pleasure of having a best friend to whom she could confide all the happenings of her day.
And instead of swooping her up into his arms and carrying her into bed the way he ought to be doing, this impossible man was standing, hands low on his hips, glaring at her as if she were a child who'd misbehaved.
She'd asked about his trip, and he'd asked what she'd done while he was away, and of course she'd told him about the visit to Tahnancoa. The warmth of his expression had instantly faded, replaced by this grim scowl.
"Damn you, Paige, don't be so contrary. I warned you about marauding Indians, and wolves, and—and white men who aren't any better than animals. Even the weather can change in an hour at this time of year; a blizzard could come and you'd be lost in a snowstorm."
"Myles, listen to yourself, you're being unreasonable. All I did was take a little ride out to visit a friend, for God's sake."
He gave her an icy look. "You didn't tell a living soul where you were going or when you might be back, did you? There are rules that have to be adhered to if you're going to travel alone in this country." His face was hard. "Rules, Paige, do you hear?" He lowered his voice, but there was nothing gentle in his tone. "I won't have you ignoring everything I tell you, putting your life in danger the moment my back is turned. I simply won't have it. Have you no common sense at all?"
The sarcastic question pushed her over the edge, and she lost her temper completely. She swore and bashed her fist down on the table, making the sugar bowl jump and the spoons rattle.
"Common sense, phooey. Don't be so melodramatic, Myles Baldwin. I'm a grown woman, and I'm used to going wherever I choose, when I choose to go. Why, I used to travel all over a huge city by myself, at all hours of the day and night. I used to—"
To her amazement, Myles reached out and took her shoulders in his strong hands, fury in his eyes. "Forget what the hell you used to do," he gritted out between clenched teeth, punctuating each word with a shake that jerked her forward and shoved her back again. "Forget it, do you hear, Paige? I'm sick to death of hearing about your perfect other life."
"Myles—Myles, stop it, you're hurting me." His fingers were digging into the soft flesh of her shoulders.
He let her go so fast she almost tumbled backward. He reached out quickly and steadied her, his touch gentle again, and she could see that he was as shocked by his actions as she.
They stared at one another for a moment, and then, trembling, she threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his middle and holding on tight until his arms slowly came up and enfolded her.
"My God, I'm sorry, Paige." His voice was ragged, filled with remorse. "I'm truly sorry. I can't think what came over me."
But she knew what had happened, if he didn't. Like a bolt from the blue, she'd suddenly understood his anger, and her own had evaporated. "I'm sorry too, Myles."
It was so obvious, she ought to have seen it before. He was afraid of losing her. His life had been filled with loss, and by loving her, he'd left himself open and vulnerable all over again. Her heart ached for him, and the enormity of her love brought tears to her eyes.
Much later, her naked body snuggled against his, she whispered, "Myles?"
Nearly asleep, he mumbled a response.
"You know that perfect other life of mine that you're so sick of hearing about?"
She knew by the tensing of his muscles that her words had awakened him, but he didn't say anything.
"It really wasn't perfect at all, not even close. I'm much happier here than I ever was there. And there was nothing to compare with what we have together."
The muscular arm that molded her to his body relaxed, and she felt his contented sigh, warm on her neck.
"Nothing like this—or this." She wriggled her bottom a bit, just enough to tease him, and her hand slid down his body and cupped him. She felt his response, immediate and urgent, and heard his quick intake of breath.
"Now this is perfection, Myles Baldwin," she whispered as he rolled her beneath him.
Myles said no more about Paige riding out alone to visit Tahnancoa—instead, he gave her a gun and taught her to shoot it.
He urged her to carry the weapon, and some emergency rations as well, if she was going to ride out alone.
Reluctant to even touch the gun at first, Paige found Myles an excellent teacher and soon she was a good shot. She did as he asked the next time she visited the Quinlans alone.
During February and March, she rode out as often as weather permitted to visit Tahnancoa, often with Myles, sometimes by herself. It was partly business; Paige needed to constantly restock her supplies of herbal remedies, which she was now using with great success on her patients.
Besides the business, however, strong bonds of affection and friendship grew ever stronger between the two women.
They simply liked one another. They shared a deep interest in healing, and they laughed at the same things. During the visits, they talked nonstop about everything and anything. Their backgrounds were so diverse that each found the other's reminiscences fascinating. Eventually, as they came to trust one another implicitly, they talked about more intimate matters, about the two men they loved.
One afternoon, a cold Sunday when Dennis and Myles had gone ice fishing on the river, Paige told Tahnancoa the story of her unhappy marriage, the stillbirth of her daughter, the physical damage from that tragic birth that meant she wouldn't have any more children, and the way the experience had affected her.
"I poured all my time and energy into my work back then, and I was afraid to even dream that I'd me
et someone who'd love me as Myles does," she said thoughtfully, recognizing the truth of her words only as she spoke them. "It makes me sad, though, to know that I can't have his child."
As she listened, tears began to slide down Tahnancoa's tawny cheeks. "I too wish to bear Dennis's child," she burst out, her voice choked with sobs. "Oh, Paige, more than anything else, I long to give Dennis the son he dreams of having, but in three years of marriage, I haven't conceived, and I doubt I ever will." She wiped the tears away with her palms. "Dennis says it doesn't matter to him whether we have a child or not, but I know better. A man needs sons to carry on his name. I see the longing in his eyes when he watches other men with their children." A sob caught in her throat. "I've told him he should divorce me, that a man shouldn't stay with a wife who is barren. In my culture, there's no shame in divorcing a barren wife, but Dennis gets angry when I say such things, and then we quarrel." New tears formed and trickled down her face.
Paige reached out and took the other woman's hands in both of hers, appalled by the depths of Tahnancoa's misery. "Dennis is right to get angry when you talk of divorce, Tahny, you know how much he loves you," she said in a gentle tone. "I'm quite sure you're all that matters to him. And you shouldn't blame yourself anyway," she protested. "What if it's Dennis's fault that you can't have children?'
Tahnancoa shook her head. "There was a girl, long ago, when he was very young. She became pregnant, but she lost the child. He told me this once when we quarreled."
Paige was silent, not knowing what else to say. Obviously, this was a serious problem in the Quinlans' marriage.
"I've tried all the things I know," Tahnancoa said in a desolate voice. "All the things Lame Owl taught me to do when a woman wants to conceive, all the things I've ever heard of from other shamans. None of them work for me."
Paige had wondered, once or twice, what Tahnancoa used as a birth control measure. She'd thought perhaps the Quinlans might be worried about having a child of mixed blood, and were choosing to wait. Now, seeing the anguish on her friend's face, hearing the desperation in her voice, Paige realized how wrong she'd been.
“Tahnancoa, maybe there's nothing that can be done, but why don't you come in to the office and let me examine you?" Paige found a handkerchief and handed it to Tahnancoa. "I used to see a great many women who wanted babies and were having difficulty getting pregnant. Sometimes there was a simple solution, just some tiny thing that needed to be corrected. There are several things we can try."
Tahnancoa blew her nose. "I think it's hopeless for me, but perhaps I will come. I will think about it."
Paige tried to press her, get her to set a date, but Tahnancoa wouldn't make a definite appointment.
"I will think about it," was all she would say.
Early one stormy morning in late March, when the snow was blowing and the long winter seemed to have taken on new strength just when it should be spring, Clara and Theo again brought baby Ellie to Paige.
The baby had seizures on a fairly regular basis, Clara admitted, but they were usually mild. The ones in the past few days had been extreme, terrifying Clara and Theo and leaving Ellie exhausted.
Paige examined the tiny girl, and all the bad feelings she'd had the last time she'd seen the baby came back in a sickening rush. It was now more obvious than ever that Ellie was not developing the way she should. According to Clara, the baby slept a lot. She seemed too lethargic, and she was small and weak, not gaining weight the way she should, even though Clara nursed her almost constantly. She was a touchingly happy baby in spite of her health. Every time Ellie smiled at her, the winsome baby almost broke Paige's heart.
Clara, formerly plump and strong, had grown thin and gaunt from worry. She had a persistent cough, and Paige made her tea of Tahnancoa's white pine bark. Ellie was seldom out of her mother's arms, and Theo seemed to have grown morose and silent.
Feeling utterly helpless, Paige prescribed several tonics for Ellie, harmless preparations she knew contained vitamins and minerals, but ones which she also knew wouldn't cure whatever was wrong.
Paige insisted the Fletchers stay for dinner and spend the night with her. Besides enjoying the chance to visit with these first friends, Paige wanted to observe Ellie over a period of time.
Myles came by later that evening as Paige had hoped he might, and he and Theo sat in the small parlor and discussed politics while Paige and Clara washed and dried the supper dishes and talked.
Ellie was asleep, and when she awakened, Paige asked Myles to have a look at her. They took her into Paige's examining room and laid her on the table. Theo and Clara hovered in the doorway.
Myles smiled tenderly down at the baby and murmured nonsense phrases. Ellie was naked except for her diaper, but she didn't fuss. She cooed back at Myles, and flirted enchantingly.
When he finished his examination and looked up, Paige's heart sank. She could read in his eyes the same stark fear and hopelessness she herself felt for this delicate baby. He was hearty in his reassurance to Clara and Theo, however, and they seemed to relax a little after he talked with them.
Myles left shortly afterward, and Paige grabbed a shawl and slipped out after him. He was waiting for her in the shadow of the barn.
"You'll catch pneumonia," he chided, opening his buffalo hide coat and wrapping her inside of it. He kissed her hard. "And what will the Fletchers think, you chasing after me this way, Dr. Randolph?"
"Clara knows about us, she told me over dishes she's happy we've found each other." She nestled against his warmth. "What about Ellie, Myles?"
He hesitated too long, his arms tight around her.
"I've seen cases before that seem hopeless, and then the patients get well again," he finally said. "Children are tougher than they look."
"But not this baby, right?" Paige whispered softly, and then had to fight back tears when he sighed and shook his head.
"No. I don't think Ellie's going to make it, my darling."
In bed that night, alone and lonely with the Fletchers snug in her spare bedroom and Myles back at the fort, Paige silently raged against the limitations of the medical profession as it existed in the 1880s.
She fantasized about all the tests she'd have ordered for Ellie in her own time, all the specialists she'd have called in on the case, which treatments she'd have ordered for each of the unknown problems the little girl might have.
After what seemed like hours of futile imaginary diagnosis and treatment, Paige lay wide-eyed as one last realization came over her, and with it came a measure of peace.
Even in the twentieth century, babies died.
It might not make one bit of difference whether Ellie had been born then or now.
Myles had summed it up. We're not God, he'd told her once.
He was right. Finally, she was able to let go. Her body relaxed and she fell asleep.
In the middle of May, Tahnancoa came to Paige.
It was a blustery spring day, with a chill wind blowing down from the north. There was still snow on the ground, but it was fast turning to mud, and when the sun came out, it held the promise of summer warmth soon to come.
Tahnancoa arrived early in the morning; it was barely nine o'clock when she slipped timidly through the front door. The two women embraced, and then Paige led the way to the kitchen where a fresh pot of coffee was waiting.
They chatted for a while, and then Tahnancoa set her cup down and looked at Paige, her expression somber. "I have decided that if I can't bear a child for Dennis this year, I will leave him. I will go back to my people. But first, I will try your medicine." It was obvious she'd made up her mind.
Paige choked back all the arguments that came to mind. "Come into the office and I'll examine you," she said. She could only pray that her knowledge would be helpful. If it wasn't, her friend's marriage was doomed, which was tragic—Paige had seldom seen two people more in love than Tahnancoa and Dennis—unless it was herself and Myles.
Selfishly, Paige suspected that if Tahnancoa
went back to her people, she herself would lose contact with a friend she'd come to cherish. She'd never been there, but she didn't think Poundmaker's reserve was a place she'd feel comfortable about riding out to visit.
Explaining to Tahnancoa exactly what she was going to do, and then donning her gloves and one of the sterile gowns she'd improvised, Paige sent up a quick prayer to the fickle god of fecundity.
There really didn't seem to be any balance in the universe, she concluded as she smiled into Tahnancoa's frightened eyes and began a thorough vaginal examination.
The major percentage of her patients were worn out with having too many babies, and here was Tahnancoa, desperate to get pregnant.
Now and Then: Chapter Fourteen
"From what I can tell, Tahny, there's no physical reason for you not to conceive."
Paige chose to ignore the fact that her examination had, of necessity, been limited compared to what she'd have done if the tools and times were different.
She'd have liked to have performed a tubal insufflation to ascertain that the Fallopian tubes were open, but she needed carbon dioxide for the test. She'd have liked a thyroid test, but Battleford was noticeably lacking any facility that could test anything, unless it was a loose horseshoe.
What the heck, she was getting used to having to rely on her own eyes and ears and conclusions a lot more than she'd had to when fancy tests were available.
"What we're going to do is figure out when you're ovulating by having you take your temperature first thing when you wake up in the morning, before you lift your head off the pillow."
Paige had drawn and pinned to the wall of the examining room a diagram of a woman's female organs, and she used it now to help explain the reasons for what she was asking Tahny to do. She demonstrated how the thermometer registered body temperature, and then she said, "When your temperature's elevated, it means your body's ovulating, and that's when you can become pregnant. So when that happens, you must corner Dennis and get him to make love to you right away, as many times as possible during the period of ovulation."
Now and Forever: Time Travel Romance Superbundle Page 21
