Asher had no answer. He looked guiltily away, pained, his eyes shadowed. He knew nothing of the afterlife, of Heaven and redemption even though his mother had tried to instill within him the peace that was God. Asher had known no peace, Asher had railed at God from an early age.
“Shhh, you must sleep.”
“But I fear that is all I do,” weakly she opened her eyes, her once bright and beautiful crystal blue eyes were dim, pain and weakness and sorrow taking a heavy toll. “I feel sometimes that if I close my eyes I will never again open them.”
“Don’t,” Asher cried. “Please don’t speak of such,” he said, his shoulders slumped heavily. “You shall rest and awaken, I promise you shall awaken. I shall be here upon your awakening.”
“God calls me; I hear His voice, Asher.”
He turned, looking wildly at her. “No. No. You do not know what you say. Shh, you are tired, simply tired.”
Angel shook her head, grasping his hand in surprising strength. “Only to wait for her burial. That is why I lingered, Asher, for the baby to be buried. She is waiting for me and I her.”
“Don’t you wish to stay here?” He asked wildly. “Do you not forgive me? Let no harm come to you, please, my love. Please, forgive me. I need you here, please, if you leave, if you left me, I fear that the madness I have fought for so many years will take hold and bury me in angst and horror.
“No, Asher, no, you shall no lay the guilt upon my feet, no longer. You shall see, God will heal you even after I am gone. I am tired Asher, so tired, my body is broken, weak. Every moment that I am conscious I hurt in places never thought to be touched. I ache from more than a broken heart. My body has served my purpose upon this plane, my love. I am tired now. I must go.”
Asher’s breath came hurried, fast. He had hope, so much hope, watching her every day, every day that she lived, his guilt, his pain lessened. Please, every day was another gift. “Do you not fear it? Do you not fear this darkness?”
“There is no darkness, my lord, only light. Death is not really death; it is simply a passing into a greater journey. Believe this of me. I wish to know that when I am gone, Asher, you will remember me in a better light than when I was with you.”
“Don’t, please, don’t.”
“Asher, I forgive you even when you cannot forgive yourself.”
“Shhh,” he began. “Don’t speak so.”
“It is time now.” Her voice grew hushed, her eyelids fluttered close. He gripped her hand tightly, but knew it was too late.
“Then I go with you,” he said quietly.
A small, gentle smile played upon her lips, she sighed one last sigh, breathed one last time, touched his hand one last touch…
And then, then she was no more.
Chapter 11
One Month Later
Asher would often awaken as such, with a startled gasp, his breathing fast, sweat beading upon his chest; nightmares followed him during his walk upon earth. Nightmares that gave him no peace. Dreams of death and darkness, dark angels and brilliant light. It was always the same, always the same.
He lay back down, not quite awake not quite sleep, still dreaming, in a surreal world of unrelated horrors, studying the large mantel clock above the fireplace across from his bed. The seconds ticked by as he calmed the racing of his inept heart. He did not move, unable to do so, frozen with some nameless terror, the memories of those he’d once known, haunting him. He wanted so badly to awaken from the nightmare of his life, every morning he’d awaken and for one brief second, that time between sleep and awareness he would be in a perfect reality, a world in which Angel lay beside him, next to him, their baby alive and whole.
The memory of her was still as sharp as when he’d first viewed her golden brown face less than two years ago. He could remember every line of her perfect face, the exact hue and shade of her eyelashes, hair upon her head, and the beauty of her eyes. It was ingrained in his memory, would forever be until his dying day.
A soft hand touched his. “Asher, did you have that dream again?” Angel asked softly, her fingers caressing his arm comfortingly. “You must forget, love, such a horrid event.”
Asher patted her hand reassuringly, nodding his head. “Shhh, go back to sleep.”
“Asher,” she said warningly. “You have not rested through the night. Every night you awaken with a jolt,” she said. “What terrors chase you through the night?”
“Dreams, dreams that I cannot outrun. Cannot fight, cannot shake.”
“Of the accident?” She asked quietly.
“Yes.”
“What happened?”
He wouldn’t say, he had never told her his dreams that were so real, so vivid, they frightened him. “Please, Asher tell me.”
And for the first time, he did. “When I came to my parents’ estate…to make amends…after you fell down the stairs. You and the baby…” he could go no further.
“What, Asher?”
“You and the baby, died. Leaving me.”
“Oh, Asher. But it did not happen. The accident wasn’t your fault, but the baby and I were fine afterwards. We are both fine. Gloria is healthy and quite fat, it did not happen. Your dream did not happen.”
“No, it was my fault. If I had not spoken those words, if I had not been so fool hardy and stubborn you would have never fled.”
“I, nine months pregnant should not have been racing up those stairs like a half wit, I am responsible for my own actions.”
“The blame is mine; I will not have you take it from me.”
“What good is blame? You apologized, I forgave you, it is a dreadful past but a past nonetheless. You have made amends, Asher. You are a wonderful father and have become a kind and considerate husband. Why do you still blame yourself? Why do you still feel so guilty?”
Because I have never told you I love you, he thought to himself, but the words still refused to leave his lips no matter how hard he tried. There was still fear, great fear that if he gave her his love she’d hurt him.
“It matters not, my lady,” he quietly said, turning away from her in anguish. Would that he end this depression that would seek him to his end? Guilt, bitterness, hatred ate away at him. Stepping out of the bed, he felt Angels’ eyes upon his back, but did not seek her face, instead, washing up quickly and getting dressed. It was still tenuous their relationship, considerate friends at best, wanton lovers at night. Yet, this brick wall that encased the two seemed to no know bounds. Angel had not revealed to Asher that she knew of his orphanage, nor of Deborah’s’ betrayal. And Asher, Asher had yet to reveal his past, his fears, and his hopes, nigh his dreams. It would seem that they were endlessly bound upon an unmoored ship, floating aimlessly,
He left with nary a by your leave, striding out, unfit for decent company to whatever end he found fit for the day.
Sighing, Angel got up, making the bed before going to her room where she bathed and dress, the hour still early, not yet seven in the morning and passed through the hallway to check on the one month old Glory.
Angel’s heart smiled upon recognition, Glory had been changed from the clothing she’d placed on her the night before, and she knew Asher had come to change her before leaving for the day. If she knew only one thing about Asher, she knew that he loved children, as evidenced by his orphanage which he spent more time than with his own wife.
Her silky black hair, already more than two inches long, lay brushed softly against her small head, her golden skin and rose bud mouth caused an ache within her. This was their child, then, this small bundle of warmth and love that cooed and smiled and cried and slept and ate. If not Asher, if not for the pain that had been caused by their relationship Glory would not have been.
Kissing her on the cheek, she tucked the blanket around her waist before softly treading down the stairs. Walking downstairs the house was stirring, she smiled good morning to the maids already opening drawn curtains, the butler Bates setting up the silverware for breakfast and Mrs. Bates ushering ord
ers for the day.
It was with a small amount of surprise that Asher had not left for the day, instead standing in his study with Caleb, the two both whispering urgently before Caleb spied Angel.
“Sister,” Caleb said, walking towards her, a smile breaking across his face, showing dimples not as deep as Asher, but no less enticing.
“Caleb, good morning,” she said, as he kissed her cheek in welcome. “Are you joining to break your fast for the morning?”
“Yes, if I may be so bold, I had news to deliver to my brother.” He added, turning back towards Asher.
“News which have been delivered, brother,” Asher said his usual cold and reticent self-emerging. It was to no end his mood swings as Angel pulled back, cringing on the inside. Wanting it all to be so pleasant, and finding it could not be so.
“I shall bring Glory down, Caleb, she has grown quite fat in the weeks since we’ve left your parents’ estate.”
“I shall await with delight, this family is growing quickly, Hunter and her two children and another welcome addition, motherhood has agreed with you.”
Smiling she turned, hurrying away, hearing the now awakening Glory, they had no nursemaid, other than the helpful servants who fell over their selves tending to the babies every need. She shooed three of them away, enjoying her quiet time with Glory as she wrapped her in her blanket, settling in the beautifully cushioned rocker to feed.
Quickly doing so, her thoughts drifted to her husband, trying to stop the tears from leaking from her eyes as she caressed Glory’s golden cheek softly. “It will be alright, love,” she said softly to her baby comforting herself. “Your father loves you…if not me, I am so happy he loves you and so very sad he doesn’t love me,” she said softly. “Your mother is so very silly, my dear, little one. Yet, to see your father smile and cherish you, it warms the depths of my heart. And maybe, how stupid am I to believe, feel that by you he’ll love me just a tad more. How foolish am I? I cannot stand on my own two feet, cannot be bold and daring, the most daring I had become was to dye my hair and cut it. I have not stood up to him, not demanded my rights as what burns upon my tongue. Not pulled him to me and told him all that hinders my speech, not even asked to play my music again for fear that he will hate me. Fear keeps me bound quietly, to myself as I search for my strength. Strength I’ve not found yet. To be bold, like Hunter or my mother, who went to no ends to keep me safe. To fight for me. Would that I have half of her strength.”
She often passed the time this way, speaking her heart to her child, too young to understand, content upon suckling, sighing in satiation, Glory burped, smiling up her mothers’ eyes before cooing in pleasure. Laughing, Angel cuddled her, before changing her, as they made their way back downstairs, breakfast just now being served as Asher and Caleb waited for her in the morning room.
“There she is,” Caleb said, smiling warmly, pulling the bright eyed Glory into his arms, who he’d not seen for two weeks. “She is fat and so beautiful, Angel,” he said, the two standing close to each other as Angel caressed her hair.
“And have your fathers’ eyes,” Angel added. “Which he has blessed all of his children with, and now grandchildren. Your parents are to visit within a week and alas Hunter and Gabriel with the children. Christmas will be soon arriving, the family is coming to London, or so I hear for once, to celebrate.”
“Yes, a different tradition is being established now,” he said, before being interrupted by the butler, breakfast served. Keeping Glory on his arm, he sat, Asher as always quiet, reserved, studying the trio, he seemed at odds, how closely Caleb and Angel had stood, how right the baby had appeared to be theirs, so alike in looks he and Caleb were. Yes, the family eyes, the Barrett cat eyes renowned throughout England. His as much as Caleb’s. His hand fisted upon his fork, a gesture not unnoticed by Angel, who tightened her own hand, but not Caleb who was more interested in Glory and tickling her to elicit another smile which she revealed to him.
“When shall it come a time, to have another one, a sister or brother for Glory to play with?” Caleb asked, amused, ignoring the tension in the room.
Angel blushed swallowing some milk.
It was Asher who answered. “No telling of such, Glory is young yet.” He said diplomatically. “And plus she has her cousins, Ethan and Lauran. You are right Caleb, the family is fast growing. Soon you shall have your own bride to see to, children of your own to care for.”
“I fear you are right, brother,” Caleb responded, a smile in his voice. “It is well time, I have settled down, and quickly, mother has prayed earnestly for this to come, and I fear God has finally heeded her prayers.”
“And so therefore, you have a woman in the mind?” Angel asked.
“Mother, I am afraid, has deemed. She states David is bringing distant marital relations to arrive with him from her home country. I have let it be known, if she find the young woman half bit as lovely as her herself is, I will not fight any nuptials but give in gracefully and start the arrival of the newest Earl.”
“Well stated, brother,” Angel, said, “I cannot wait to discuss this with your mother and Hunter, how I shall join in their prayers, to your disavowal, kind sir, you shall see, marriage is not…” she ended it. Her marriage was not one to be written about in the stars, nor the heavens. Her husband still withheld himself from her; there was a part of her that she could not reach, that he kept hidden, sacred from her. “Never the mind, sir, I shall pray the Lord brings you the perfect mate for the happiness of you both.”
Asher’s’ embittered heart kept quiet. The breakfast continued with Caleb and Angel holding the conversation, Asher reticent and impatient, until finally he stood up hastily. “My lord, my lady,” he said in departure throwing his napkin on his half-finished plate, before leaving the room.
“He has still not settled into his husbandly duties, I see,” Caleb said, holding the now sleepy Glory in the cradle of his arms.
Shrugging nonchalantly, Angel could only smile weakly. “If the Lord would but give me the secret to my husband’s heart, I would give Him my soul a thousand times over.” She spoke quietly.
“It is not for you to pray such, as that, Angel, your husband, and my brother is an arse of the worse kind.”
“Do not speak as such of your brother. The Lord has gifted you with a wonderful family, one in which I hope for and He has blessed me with. Now, no more of this talk. I have to little to complain about, and neither you. We have our health, family and new additions into our lives, brother.”
“Ever the diplomat, Angel,” he said, quieting the subject. “I assume you speak to Hunter of female business, I take it to understand. If ever you need a sympathetic ear as to how my brother internal clock ticks you may bore my ear.”
Laughing, she agreed. “Come, let us take Glory out for a stroll in Hyde Park, if you have time,” she said.
“All the time in the world.”
As the days grew shorter and the nights colder, Angel welcomed the Hawthorne family to London, showering her new family with love, along with her father who stayed in a hotel nearby and visited nearly every day. As yet, Asher spent less time at home. She had no doubt he was either at the orphanage or his business office and did not have welcome respite with a new baby. But forced smiles and temperate thoughts waned her, the piano still stayed locked, she had not asked for the key and he’d not offered. Many a times when Glory would cry, Angel would wish for the healing comfort of the piano, to ease both her pain and Glory’s’ temporary unease.
Late at night, Asher has still not come home, indeed, the young wife had not seen her husband in two days, he’d not said a bye your leave nor given Glory a kiss goodbye. Retiring to Glory’s room, she cradled her nursing baby in her arms and took to revealing her heart to her small daughter.
“I cannot believe God has gifted you with me,” she began, stroking her silken hair, one of her favorite pastimes. “Or that you are so beautiful, so many long years, I have felt the dreaded ugly duckling. A half bree
d, as so many impolite people have called me. I shall protect you from the world,” Angel promised. “I didn’t feel truly beautiful until your father looked at me,” she admitted. “Oh, I am not a fool, I know there are men who desire me, Yet, I have loved none other than your father. I know little one, I know,” as Glory fretted in her sleep. It was a short minute before she quieted down. “Do not worry, my love. He loves you; I know this with all my heart. Asher loves you. And maybe one day he will love me, I shall not despair.” She said, one finger being wrapped by her daughters’ small hand. “Perhaps you shall play music as your mother plays, my sweet,’ she said. “Asher has not unlocked the piano…and weak me have not asked. I am afraid; I live in fear of my own husband. Fear that he will hate me, fear that he will never love me, and fear that he will leave me. I wake with it, even through my prayers. I think of how easily he can leave me…leave us. There is nothing to hold him to me, If he was standing here right now, in front of me, were I to find the strength, I’d say, Asher, Asher, I love you with all my heart, if you would but ask it of me, I’d give you my dreams, my hopes, my wishes and in return, I’d only ask in return is for him to say kind words to me. It would not have to be I love you. But perhaps, hello, that is all. Hello, dear I miss you,” she said, then laughed softly. “Yet, who am I kidding, only myself. It shall come to pass as it comes to pass, little one. He spends so much time away from his own home. I fear, no, I’m sorry, I shall not speak of fear again, I do my mother an injustice, she has raised me to be strong, and I have been so strong for others, but never myself. Perhaps it is time. I think tomorrow, I shall take a small step towards strength and tell my husband…tell your…daddy…that I love him. And if he rejects me, then he rejects me. I shall believe God has his heart in His hands. Know this little one you and your father have my heart forever.”
Angel of Ash Page 27
