by Jess Bryant
“What happened to Colt and to Cash, Remy it wasn’t your fault. You had to get out. You had to save yourself. You can’t feel guilty for that.”
“Then why do I?”
“Because they’re your brothers and you love them.” She wiped at her cheek and he realized a tear had escaped. She was crying. For him. “You want to protect them because you’re a good brother, a good man, but you can’t change the past. All you can do is be there for them now and I think you’re doing a really good job of that.”
He wanted to haul her into his lap. He wanted to hug her and hold her tight. He wanted some of that innate goodness and understanding of hers to rub off on him. He wanted to believe that he deserved to have her sitting here, in his kitchen with him, but deserving her meant finishing this conversation and they weren’t done yet, not by a longshot.
“Rach…” He stroked his fingers over hers, “I’m not a good man. I’ve said and done things that hurt people. I killed people when I was in the Army, when I was deployed. I’ve been with more women than I can remember because I was too drunk or too high to care at the time and because the memories made it hurt too bad to be sober. I have scars. I’m damaged. I’m not perfect and I’m nowhere near good enough for you but if you’ll let me, I’ll be here for you, by your side, for as long as you want me there.”
He watched as Rachel chewed on her bottom lip. Someday soon they were going to have to talk about that. She had to stop doing that. He knew it was nothing more than a nervous tic but it did things to him. He wanted to be the one nibbling on the plump swell and he didn’t want her ravaging one of his favorite parts of her.
“I’m glad you told me.” She finally sighed, “I… I won’t say that knowing doesn’t change things. It does. It has to because it’s a part of you that I didn’t know before and the thing is… I-I want to know everything about you.”
“Whatever else you want to know, all you have to do is ask.”
She lowered her chin and a blush colored her cheeks, “You said there’ve been a lot of women…”
He winced at the question in her voice because somehow he hadn’t thought that would be the part of his story she questioned, “None like you. They were warm bodies at best. A way to forget for just a little while at worst. I used them and they used me but it’s not like that with you.” He tilted her chin back up so she would meet his gaze, “I care about you, Rachel. More than you know. More than I can say because I don’t want to scare you away.”
A flicker of a smile passed over her lips, “You’re not gonna scare me away.”
“You’re special to me and I don’t want to fuck this up but if you want to hear about the women that came before you, if you need to know anything about them, just know that they were space-holders until I found my way to you. It’s you. You’re it for me. You’ve been it for me since the moment I first saw you and nothing. Do you hear me? Nothing, is going to change that.”
Rachel stared at him for a long moment and then gave a short nod, as if she’d decided something, “Okay, well, I think you should know, since we’re being honest… you said there’ve been a lot of women but there haven’t been any for me. Well, not women, well, not them either but… men. I’ve never been with anyone.”
He blew out a rough breath, unsure of what it was he’d thought she intended to say. Whatever it was, it hadn’t been that. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react to that though. He couldn’t very well tell her that he’d guessed as much from the shy, innocent way she looked and acted or the fact that she’d told him she’d never been kissed. Since he didn’t know what to say he held himself completely still and waited for her to continue.
“What you went through…. I understand part of it but it wasn’t like that for me.” Rachel bit her lip and avoided his gaze, “It was and it wasn’t I guess.”
“Rach?” He prompted when she didn’t continue, “What does that mean?”
“It means that Craig isn’t the one that hurt me.” She admitted and then winced, “I mean, he did. He does. He’s abusive but he’s never tried to hurt me… that way. It isn’t sexual with him. He’s… He… He actually saved me from that.”
His throat felt tight, “He saved you from what, exactly?”
“Well, when I was sixteen, just a couple of months after my mom died and Craig came home…” Rachel dropped her gaze again, “I-I-I didn’t realize what bad news he was yet and I-I wanted to hang out with my big brother. So, one night, he had friends over and they were all drinking and I… There was this guy. One of Craig’s friends. He was… cute and… sweet. He got me a drink and then another and…” Rachel shook her head, “I don’t remember much after that and I-I-I didn’t put it together until later… that he’d put something in my drink. He… he drugged me and he… he tried to rape me. He held me down. He was on top of me but Craig came in and shoved him off. He saved me.”
Remy sucked in a harsh breath as pieces of the puzzle he’d had but couldn’t fit together before began to slide into place. She didn’t drink because someone had drugged her. She was scared of men because her brother abused her and his friend had tried to rape her. People she should have been able to trust had taken advantage of her so she didn’t trust anyone. She kept to herself because she didn’t feel safe and her isolation had made her even more fearful of being in crowds, around groups of men and in social situations. Rachel being here now, with him, searching him out last night, he realized for the first time just how meaningful it really was.
She’d come to him. She trusted him. She was with him and trusting him not just with her safety but with her truth. She was his, in every way, she just didn’t know it yet.
“That’s why you won’t tell me what he did, what he threatened you about.” He sighed when she only bit her lip, “You still feel beholden to Craig for what he did back then no matter how much he’s hurt you since.”
She dropped her gaze and he sighed. She didn’t say anything and he knew that she wouldn’t. She might be scared of her brother but he’d saved her from something terrible and she felt like she owed him. She was protecting Craig, for now, but someday she’d see that one right didn’t undo all of the wrong he’d done since.
Remy focused on the other person involved, the one she wouldn’t feel the need to protect, because he wanted to hit somebody for hurting his woman, “Who?”
“What?” Rachel blinked.
“Who was it, Rachel? Who was the friend that tried to rape you?”
She smiled softly, “He’s long gone, Remy. You don’t need to hurt him on my behalf. He’s not important.”
“I still want his name.”
“Giving you his name gives him more importance than I want him to have in my life.” She shook her head, “It’s something that happened to me and it’s something that altered my life forever even if Craig stopped him from…. I’ve never been with anyone else. That’s what I meant when I told you I’d never been kissed. I-I-I’m a virgin.”
“Rach…” He swallowed hard as he thought about what she was really saying, “You’ve never been with anyone?”
Her cheeks flushed slightly and she shook her head, “I never wanted anyone. Men… men scare me. You know that.”
“Yeah I know.”
“Until you.” She reached for him again and he let her tangle their fingers, “I-I-I want you, Remy. I need you. You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted to want me.”
“I do, Rach. You know I do but…”
“No.” She said, almost forcefully and then she groaned, “God, I’m so sick of the but’s… I’m sick of being this person. I don’t want to be the girl that’s scared all the time. I don’t want to be scared of the things I want anymore. I’m done letting my past define me.”
“Rach…”
“I want you, Remy. I want you and I’m tired of being scared of things I want.” She bit her bottom lip and glanced up at him from under her lashes, “Touch me. Please?”
He goggled at her as she stared back at hi
m, more determined than he’d ever seen her. He’d imagined this conversation going a lot of different directions but this had never been one of them. Rachel all but demanding that he give in to how much he wanted her and simply take her, left him unsteady and uncomfortable. Because he wanted to say to hell with it and simply lose himself in her for a little while… but he knew he shouldn’t.
They had more things they needed to talk about. Didn’t they? Shit. All of his blood was rushing south at the simple thought of claiming this woman, his woman, as his. He couldn’t be expected to make these decisions right now.
Chapter Nine
Rachel swallowed hard when Remy’s eyes flared with heat before he narrowed them at her, almost suspiciously. She probably shouldn’t have just blurted something like that out but she hadn’t been able to help herself. Even as he stared at her and her face flamed hot, she knew that she wouldn’t take back the words or the request.
Because she wanted it, wanted him. Because he’d opened himself up to her, shown her all of his scars despite his clear fear that she would push him away because of it. Because she wanted to show him that nothing about him could scare her away and because she wanted to be what he needed, the same way he had become what she needed.
Remy cleared his throat and then squeezed her hand, “I am touching you.”
“No.” She took a deep breath for courage and shook her head, “I want you to really touch me. Like you said you wanted to, like you promised you would when I was ready. I’m ready.”
“Rach…”
She could see the hesitation on his face. She could feel the battle raging inside him. He wanted her. She knew he did, but still he fought to deny her this and she knew it was because he was afraid to scare her with how much he wanted her. His hand tightened on hers but his eyes had gone soft and warm… wanting.
“I don’t want to think about all of the bad stuff anymore. I don’t want to remember anyone ever touching me but you. Take it away for me, Remy. Let me take it away for you too.”
He let out a strangled, wounded animal sound that nearly broke her heart, “You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“Yes. I do.” She stood before her nerves could get the better of her and slid onto his lap. The bold move earned her a growl even as he released her hand to grip her hips. She thought for a second he might try to shove her off but instead he pulled her closer. Their bodies liked up naturally and she bit off a gasp when she felt him through his jeans and her panties, big and hard. “Touch me, Remy. Please.”
His dark eyes held hers for a long moment, studying and assessing. She knew he was looking for signs of her fear and that if he found even an ounce he would shut this down. She met his gaze directly, didn’t try to hide a thing, because there wasn’t any fear left for her, not when it came to this man. She stared into his beautiful eyes, his pupils dilated until they were nearly black, and tried to tell him without words what he needed to hear.
He wasn’t like the others. He wasn’t taking advantage. She trusted him. Loved him. And she wouldn’t regret anything with him, ever.
Remy swallowed hard and his Adam’s apple bobbed, “If I do anything that scares you…”
“You won’t.”
“If I do, say the word and I’ll stop. I promise you. I’ll stop.”
Her heart swelled for this incredible man. He would stop if she needed him to. No matter how far they went, how lost to passion they became, he would stop. He wouldn’t let it go too far, not if she didn’t want it to. And she didn’t need the reassurance of a promise, she’d already known that he would.
Since he seemed to be waiting for her to respond, she nodded.
Remy’s mouth slammed down on hers instantly and she moaned as he stole control from her. Her entire body sparked to life when his lips touched hers but this… this was nothing like his earlier kisses. Those had been sweet and soft. Kisses meant to soothe, to reassure. This kiss was pure passion. Raw and rough and needy.
She could feel his desire pulsing off of him in waves. She could taste it when his tongue skimmed her lips, demanding entry. And in response to his heady desire, her own rose quickly to a fever pitch.
Maybe some small part of her had initiated this because she hadn’t wanted to talk anymore. She hadn’t wanted to answer any more questions. She’d wanted to distract him. But that part of her was so small compared to the parts that ached for this man and whatever her reasoning had been, it didn’t matter anymore because Remy was touching her and kissing her.
Finally.
Rachel kissed him back as best she could, tried to keep up and arched into his touch. His big hands slipped under the hem of the oversized shirt, pulling it up over her hips so he could slide his hands across the small of her back. She gasped into his mouth as the electric current between them sizzled when their skin touched.
Her hips rocked forward instinctively and he groaned in response but didn’t push her further. They kissed, deeply, roughly, as his hands grazed her skin over and over again, and just when she was about to break the kiss to tell him to do something, anything, Remy pulled back with a desperate groan.
“Need to see you.”
“Yes.”
She wasn’t certain that had been a question. Wasn’t even sure what she was agreeing to. All she knew at that moment was that Remy needed something from her and she was desperate to give it to him.
Remy jerked the shirt up and she raised her arms to help him remove it. Before it even hit the ground, his fingers were on the clasp of her bra, unfastening it and then pushing it off her shoulders. For a split second, as she registered her near nakedness, she tensed up.
She was sitting on Remy Bomars lap wearing nothing but a pair of panties. Her. Rachel Grant. Quiet, shy, a little too round to ever be considered gorgeous, Rachel. She was average looking on her best day and Remy was so handsome, so fit and muscular and intense. She didn’t compare, not at all, and she had no idea what he could possibly see when he looked at her that would make him want her like this.
Remy was so attuned to her that he instantly paused. His hands, which had moved to rest on her ribcage, just beneath her heavy breasts, stilled. His breathing was ragged and his voice was rough when he spoke.
“Look at me, Rachel. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” His fingers inched upwards and cupped her breasts, causing a moan to fall from her lips and her eyes to slide shut, “My past, my family… ugly is all I’ve ever known. I never thought I’d get the chance to have something as beautiful and precious as you in my life. Let me show you how much you mean to me, baby.”
His voice, his words, they were so brutally honest and reverent that her eyes watered. She squeezed them shut, more certain than ever that if he saw it, he would stop. And he couldn’t stop. Not now. Not ever.
“More?” He asked, hesitantly.
She nodded.
Remy hummed appreciatively and his thumbs brushed her nipples. Her hips arched and another moan tore from her lips. Her breasts were sensitive, always had been. Ever since she hit puberty and they grew three cup sizes in a matter of weeks, she’d been oversensitive and she’d always hated it. Hated that her breasts drew unwanted attention. Hated the men that leered at them. Hated that sometimes they felt so sensitive even her bra rubbed them the wrong way. But when she felt Remy’s hot breath a moment before his wet tongue swiped over the hard peak, hate was the last thing she felt.
“Oh God!”
The entire world faded away as she cried out. The rush of blood in her ears and her helpless moans were the only thing she could make out as Remy tortured first one breast and then the other with his dangerously creative mouth. A tight coil of energy twisted tight inside of her and she found she couldn’t keep her body still.
Her hips began to move back and forth against the rock hard erection beneath her. Her back arched to give him more of her breasts. And she didn’t realize she’d grabbed his head until she was pulling him off of her with desperate, frantic w
himpers.
“Remy…” Her breath caught as he raised his head.
He looked as wrecked and desperate as she felt. His lips were wet and swollen from his teasing and his eyes were glazed with a hunger that made her shiver. She wanted to kiss him, was just about to, when he spoke.
“Too much?”
“Not enough.” She panted, “I need more. Please, Remy. I need…”
She let out a squeal because Remy was moving beneath her before she could finish her sentence. She heard dishes crash to the floor at the same time he deposited her on the edge of the table. She opened her mouth to ask him what he was thinking making a mess and breaking things, but his tongue cut off her words and her train of thought as he kissed her deeply.
Rachel clung to him as the kiss spiraled out of control. She’d thought his kisses before had been passionate but now he was ravenous. Remy consumed her, claimed her, and she simply held on to him as tight as she could, certain that she was marking him as surely as he was marking her. She was so lost to his drugging kiss that she barely realized he was stripping her panties off until she was naked.
“Lay back.” He demanded as soon as he dropped them to the floor with her other garments.
She did so, without question and without complaint. The surface of the table was cool against her overheated skin and she shivered. The contrast of Remy’s warm body looming over her front and the chill of the counter was a shock to her system. She glanced up, trying to figure out what he would do next but all he did was stare at her.
God, the way he looked at her. A girl could get used to that kind of thing. And if she hadn’t already known she was falling in love with him, she would have right then. Because the way he looked at her made her feel so many incredible things all at once. Warm and safe. Protected and cherished. Needed and desired. But when he made no move to touch her, it still wasn’t enough.
“Remy, please.” She begged.
“Please what?” He asked, his voice rough and dangerously low.
