by Jess Bryant
It hadn’t even gone away when he tried to screw his way into forgetting. Every touch of those nameless, faceless women had only made him feel worse. Being with them had never felt right and he’d always been left with the same queasy feeling that made him sick to his stomach when he was done with them.
Only Rachel had managed to wipe his slate clean. To take his history, his doubts and fears, and put him at ease. The first time she’d smiled at him, his stomach had flipped for all the right reasons and the first time he’d kissed her he’d felt nothing but sparks of nervous energy and need. She had done the impossible. She’d fixed him. And if he didn’t deserve her, all he could do was hope that one day he would.
He knew that telling her that she was wrong, that she did deserve him, wouldn’t change her way of thinking any more than it would have his. They were a lot alike in that respect. So used to being hurt that they always expected the worst. Rachel would have to see for herself that her fears were unfounded and that started here and now.
He shook his head, “Baby, if you’d told me from the start what Craig was threatening you about then I could have stopped him weeks ago. We wouldn’t have all of this hanging over us. You wouldn’t have needed to be scared anymore.”
“I’m sorry.” She sniffled, “I t-t-thought you’d… I thought you’d hate me.”
“We don’t get to choose our family, remember?”
Rachel’s entire face cringed as she squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head.
“I… I should have told you.” Rachel wiped at her eyes and he sighed.
“Yeah, you should have.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.” He brushed a stray tear from the corner of her eye, “And I’m sorry that you’re in a position where you have to choose between my family and yours.”
“It shouldn’t have been so hard to choose. Not after everything he’s done. He hurts me. He has for years. He’s mean and cruel and abusive. He’s a criminal… I just… I…” She trailed off on a sniffle and Remy sighed.
“He’s still your brother.”
Her bottom lip trembled, “He’s the only family I have left.”
“No, baby. He’s not. Not anymore.” Remy shifted, pulling her into his arms until she was caged between his legs, her back to his chest and her head on his shoulder as he leaned against the headboard, “I’m your family now. If you’ll have me that is. I know it’s tough to believe me after everything you’ve been through but I’m not leaving you.”
“Remy…”
“If you don’t want me anymore, you still won’t be alone, Rachel. You have Skylar and you have Jemma and that means you have Cash and Colt. Even if you don’t want me, you’ll have them.”
“What?” Rachel spun to face him as best she could considering he still held her tight, “What are you talking about? Why would I not want you anymore? I love you! My worst fear is that you’ll leave me, not the other way around!”
Even the words had felt wrong on his tongue but he’d felt like he had to say them. If she’d really only been with him for protection, like Lincoln thought, then he would have to let her go. He didn’t think it was true but if she wanted out, he needed to know now. Because the kind of family loyalty that was expected of the Bomars was intense and what came next, it would mean there was no getting out for her, for them.
They were in too deep to simply walk away from the family like Cash had. Maybe Remy had only joined the family business to help get Colt out and maybe he’d always secretly hoped that he would eventually figure out how to get himself out too but he knew that would be impossible now. That was the conversation he had to have with Rachel now because if she wanted to walk, she needed to do it now.
“I’m never going to leave you but…” He tucked her hair behind her ear, “You saw my family this morning. Me and Decker trading blows. Lincoln making threats. You saw for yourself what I come from.”
“You’re not them though, Remy. You’re not like them.”
“I am.” He sighed heavily, “When I think about what Craig did to my brother… I could rip him apart with my bare hands and not even blink.”
“I… I know.” She dropped her gaze again.
“And you know if I feel that way, my entire family will. You know what’s going to happen next, don’t you?”
Rachel gave an involuntary shiver, “L-L-Lincoln’s gonna kill him, isn’t he?”
“I don’t know babe but if I had to guess… Craig’s going to wish he was dead long before that happens.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“So you have to decide if that’s something you can live with, Rachel. Can you be with me knowing my blood is going to hurt yours?”
Rachel cringed and her voice was soft, barely a whisper when she spoke, “Mine hurt yours first. If it’s true, if Craig really was part of that attack on Colt… He left him for dead. Jesus, Remy, I’m so sorry.”
He groaned and held her close, “You keep apologizing but that wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know. Now that you do, you have to choose. I wouldn’t blame you if you want nothing to do with any of us Bomars.”
“I want you, Remy. I choose you.” She tilted her head back up and met his eyes, “I-I-I told Lincoln I would help.”
His heart squeezed painfully in his chest as he remembered the offer his cousin had made this morning. Lincoln wanted Rachel to help him get to Craig. The bastard had been smart enough to go into hiding at some point this week and he couldn’t help but wonder why that was.
Had he seen Rachel with Remy? Had it been obvious they were in love? If so, the logical conclusion would be that she would tell him the truth eventually. Craig must have known his time was limited when he realized he couldn’t scare Rachel into coming home. Because she already was, with him.
But the very thought of Rachel putting herself in danger had him shaking his head.
“No.”
“Remy…”
“No, Rachel. You’re not helping Lincoln. You’re staying out of it.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.”
“Remy, I have to do this. I have to help, Lincoln. It’s the only way I can make up for not telling what I knew sooner.”
“Dammit you don’t owe Lincoln.”
“No, I owe you and Skylar and Colt. You said yourself that you’re my family now. That means I have to do my part to protect the family, right? Just like you did for Colt by walking into that cage.”
God he loved her. He hadn’t ever thought of Rachel as protective. He was so used to looking at her and seeing a victim. Someone to be protected. But he should have known better because he knew beneath that shy, timid exterior was a strong and capable woman. She had opened up to him, told him how she’d learned to survive and in bed she’d become downright demanding. His woman was a survivor so of course she would want to stand up for herself and for him if she could.
But he still couldn’t let her do this.
“It’s not the same thing.”
“You’re right. It’s not. I’ll just be luring Craig out for Lincoln. I won’t be the one putting myself in harm’s way like you did.”
“You will though. That’s what you don’t understand. Being connected to my cousins, to me, it automatically puts you in harm’s way, babe, and this… helping Lincoln? There’s no way he can guarantee your safety and I’m not okay with that.”
“Remy…”
“No!” He growled, “I’m never going to be okay with you putting yourself in danger.”
“But don’t you see why I need to do this?”
He sighed, “I see why you think you have to. You still feel like you owe me for helping you but…”
“No!”
“Yes!” He raised his voice when she stared at him, “You think you owe me for helping you that night at the barn. You think you owe Sky for giving you a job and being your friend. You don’t have any idea how to simply accept that we’re here for you because we love you.”
&nbs
p; Rachel looked hurt by his words so he held her close.
“Baby, we love you and you don’t owe us for that. It doesn’t come with specifications of what you have to give us in return. There are no strings attached to my love for you.”
She gave a small snort, “No? Because it kinda seems right now like the strings are that you have to approve before I can help the family.”
“I’m not going to stop loving you just because we disagree on what you should do, Rachel.” He frowned as he tilted her chin up back up so he could look her in the eye, “But I’m not letting you do this. I’ll tie you to the bed if I have to. The idea of you being in danger, even the possibility that you might get caught up in a firefight or something between my cousins and your brother… it makes me sick.”
“If I don’t call Lincoln, he’s going to tell everyone that I knew Craig was the traitor and didn’t come clean.” Her bottom lip trembled slightly, “They’ll h-h-hate me.”
“Lincoln makes a lot of threats. It doesn’t mean he’ll follow through.” He twisted her hair around his finger, “I’ll talk to him. Give him some time to calm down. He’ll come around when he realizes that you’re not going anywhere. You’re family.”
“But I want to help.”
“You can, okay? We’ll figure out a way for you to help that doesn’t include putting yourself in danger. I’m not letting my cousin use you as bait. I’m sorry, Rachel but you have to trust me that this isn’t the way to make things right. Okay?”
She nodded slowly.
Remy blew out an unsteady breath at her agreement. They were going to be okay. She wasn’t going to put herself in harm’s way. Lincoln would figure out a way to get to Craig that didn’t involve risking the life of the woman Remy loved. If it came down to it, the rest of his family could hate him and Rachel both.
He’d talk to Cash and Colt, explain what had happened and they would understand. Jemma and Skylar already loved Rachel like a little sister. They wouldn’t turn their backs on her. And if those women had any say in the matter, neither would anyone else. He had to hope that would be enough. It was more family than Rachel had ever had. Between him and his brothers and their women, he had to hope that would be enough to make up for losing her brother.
Because she was losing Craig. She’d already lost him. Wherever he was, whatever he was doing, his breaths had become numbered the moment Lincoln put together what he’d done. He’d be in a shallow grave somewhere out in the woods where the Bomars would have plausible deniability if someone ever stumbled across the bones.
The fact that Remy knew things like that, knew that Lincoln would get rid of the body where it would never be found, only reminded him that if he hadn’t left town he’d likely know exactly where those bodies were buried.
He’d left to escape the trauma of his mother’s sick abuse but he’d left more than just Chrissy behind. He’d walked away from what it meant to be a Bomar too. He’d gotten out, gotten away, and his record was clean because of that. Lincoln liked to point out that they were thieves, not murderers, but the truth was that more than one person had gone missing over the years after trying to cheat a Bomar boy. All of their hands weren’t dirty but all of their hands weren’t clean either. He truly believed Craig would be dead within the next day or two and he only hoped that when it happened, wherever it happened, that he could keep Rachel far away from it so she wouldn’t have to witness something that would scar her forever.
“I love you, Rachel.”
She glanced up from under thick lashes, “I love you too.”
“You trust me?”
She nodded.
“Are you sure? You trust me, Rach? Believe me when I say that I’m not going anywhere? That I’m gonna spend the rest of my life loving you and keeping you safe?”
She nodded again.
“Then come here and kiss me. Love me. Stay in this bed with me and don’t think about all of the bad out there until tomorrow. We’ll deal with it together. Tomorrow. Today, just be here with me. Please?”
Rachel stared at him for a long moment and he couldn’t read her expression. It was soft and loving but not as open as he would have liked. He wanted her to truly open up with him and tell him all of the things she thought she couldn’t tell anyone. He wanted her every secret but for now, he would take this. Her trust and her love and her body and her future.
They’d tackle their pasts together, tomorrow.
She leaned forward and pressed her mouth to his and he groaned when she used her teeth to nip at his bottom lip. He smiled against her mouth and returned the favor. She was a fast learner, he had to give her that. She’d quickly figured out not only what she liked but also what he liked. Luckily, a lot of those things seemed to overlap. She licked the inside seam of his upper lip and he shuddered as desire rolled through his every cell. For a girl that had never been kissed just a few short weeks ago, she knew exactly how to drive him crazy.
When he opened and sucked her tongue into his mouth, Rachel moaned and scooted even closer. It took a little maneuvering but as they kissed she twisted until she could straddle him. He tangled one hand in her hair and slipped the other down to her hip, holding her tight when she started to rock her hips against his growing erection.
He broke the kiss with a harsh breath, “Wait…”
“What?” Rachel’s lips were swollen and she licked them obscenely, “Why?”
“Are you sure you’re not too sore? I don’t want to hurt you.”
Her face softened as a smile inched upwards and then she leaned forward and kissed him softly, “I’m not sore, Remy. But thank you for asking and for caring so much… I love you.”
“I love you too but I shouldn’t have taken you so many times so quickly after I… we…”
“Is that a blush, Remy Bomar?” She teased with another smile, “You mean so many times since I gave you my virginity?”
He sighed, “Yes. You must be sore. I shouldn’t take you again so soon. You need time to recover.”
“I needed you, Remy.” She shifted her hips slightly and they both moaned, “I needed you and you gave yourself to me, just like I gave myself to you. This thing between us, how much I love you… the only thing I’m scared of is losing you.”
“You’re not gonna lose me, baby.”
“I’m beginning to believe that I just… it’s not easy for me.”
“I know. Me either. We’ll get through this together.”
She was quiet for a long moment and he felt the rush of quick desire subdue itself. He still wanted her. He would always want her. Especially when she was in his lap, in bed, but what they shared went deeper than that. She stilled against him with a heavy sigh and he brushed her hair back, kissing her softly.
“Mmm, okay, just relax. I’m not gonna jump you. I just want to look at you for a second. You’re so gorgeous.”
He leaned back against the headboard and let her have her way with smirk. He’d never liked it when women commented on his looks. Not until Rachel. She could look all she wanted because he knew she saw what was beneath the skin too. She saw him in ways nobody else did. He could just be Remy with her, he didn’t have to hide anything. She knew all of his darkest secrets and she loved him anyway.
“Mmm, all muscles and strength. You’re built like you were born for fighting but it never scared me, not even that first day though I couldn’t have explained why. I wanted you, even then, even when I had no idea what it meant.” She traced his chest again and then paused with a finger on the tattoo that covered his shoulder, “When’d you get this?”
His throat felt tight and he tensed as her light nudged in on another of his darkest shadows, “Right after I left town…”
“What’s it mean?”
He’d hoped to never have to answer that question. Most people didn’t bother looking at it too closely. But he should have known he’d have to explain it to Rachel at some point. And why not today? They were already sharing so much. If he was going to trust her to tell hi
m her secrets, he had to trust her with his own.
Remy glanced down at the old scrollwork tattoo. It was designed to look like an old sheet of music. The bars and notes were just gibberish to most people. Music was like that. It was a language to itself and you might recognize it but unless you knew how to read it, it was meaningless.
He still couldn’t explain why it was he’d gotten the stupid thing. He’d been at Basic for a few months and he and a few friends had snuck away for a night out. They’d gotten drunk but he knew it wasn’t the alcohol that had made the decision. It was some weird mix of nostalgia and self-punishment and he’d thought more than once of covering it up but had never found the time or the money or the energy.
“Remy?” Rachel’s soft voice pulled him back to the moment, “It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me why you have the sheet music for Mary Had A Little Lamb tattooed on your shoulder. It’s okay.”
He snorted, “You can read music?”
“I was a band nerd in middle school.” Rachel blushed again and he chuckled.
“If you tell me you played the flute, I’m going to make some seriously inappropriate jokes. You know that right?”
She shoved him playfully, “I never went to band camp but yes, I did play the flute.”
“Oh baby, that is never going to not be funny.” He caught her hand when she started to hit him again, “You said middle school. You didn’t play in high school? Did you quit band?”
“Had to. In high school you have to be able to provide your own instrument and we never had the money for that so…” Rachel shrugged and then shook her head, “Don’t think I didn’t notice you changed the subject.”
