Order vs. Chaos

by Mary E Thompson

  “Why do you think that?”

  “Because I pushed her away the first time. I know I shouldn’t get involved with my boss. She’d fire me for real if things went wrong.”

  Jack shook his head. “She’s not like that. But I think she’s cautious after what happened with Anthony. I still can’t believe I had no idea she was screwing him.”

  My beer turned sour in my mouth, the thought of them together making me sick. “Can we not talk about that?”

  Jack smirked and nodded. “Trust me, I’d rather not think about it either. Back to you and Kiki. Why don’t you want her?”

  “I do!” I blurted.

  He laughed. “I knew you did. Tell me again why she doesn’t think so?”

  I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t know. She said something about Anthony telling her he was the only reason Opposites Attract was doing well. That she’d fail without him around.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  I nodded and sipped my beer. “I told her that. I also told her he was crazy for not seeing how amazing she is. He called her frigid. Can you imagine Kiana being called frigid?”

  “Uh oh. Did you tell her that?”

  I nodded cautiously. “Kapena kind of dragged it out of me. Why?”

  Jack wrinkled his nose. “I just can’t imagine that was something she wanted to hear. She kind of worried she was. She asked me a few months ago, and I never put two and two together, but now that I think about it, it would have been around the time they broke up.”

  “Do you think he told her?”

  Jack shrugged. “I wouldn’t put it past him. He really is an asshole.”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “I think you have your project.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Show her she’s not frigid. Prove to her that everything he said was bullshit.”

  “She made it pretty clear she can’t stand me. She pushed me away when I kissed her the other day. She said it can’t happen again.”

  Jack shook his head. “She wants you, too. She’s just more timid than you are. It’s only been eight months since things apparently ended with Anthony. She thought she was going to marry the guy. She never had another relationship last as long as the one with him, and now she doesn’t trust herself. Especially with charismatic, sexy mainlanders.”

  I was playing with fire. Not only was Kiana my boss, but she was still fucked up from a previous relationship. It was absolute insanity to even think about getting involved with her.

  The only problem was, it was about the only thing I could think about.

  Chapter Seven

  Alvarez was in the same unit as Carrington. They weren’t close, but they knew each other. I was with Alvarez before Carrington so I knew the photos I had of them would be together.

  I was not looking forward to going through them.

  With a beer in hand and one in my belly, I found the file of all the pictures I took during that time. The ones with Alvarez were first, meaning I could get through those without even diving into the world with Carrington.

  I smiled as Alvarez’s face filled my screen. He was laughing at something I’d said. I couldn’t remember what, but Alvarez would be forever smiling at me.

  And his sister.

  “You hungry?” Kapena asked, pounding on my door.

  “Yeah,” I said absently.

  “Come on! Food’s done!”

  I grabbed my beer and went out to the living room. I stopped cold when I heard Kiana’s voice.

  “Can we just drop it? Please?”

  “Fine,” Kapena said in a tone that told me he was far from dropping whatever they were talking about.

  “I just—” Kiana stopped herself when she saw me. For once, she didn’t glare at me. Just walked out onto the lanai.

  “Hungry?” Kapena asked, as though I didn’t just walk into the middle of something.

  I was more comfortable living with my brother and Tara and knowing they were screwing on every horizontal surface, and a few vertical ones, when I wasn’t there. Living with Kapena and having Kiana around all the time was like walking on eggshells.

  Especially since I kissed her and wanted to do it again and again.

  I took a plate and filled it with everything left in the pan. I barely noticed what it was. I really didn’t care.

  I wanted to go back to my room and ignore them, but I had to live with one and work for the other. I needed to try. Hell, maybe Jack and Ada were right and there was something between Kiana and me. That right there was enough of a reason to stay.

  Not that she looked at me or gave me any sign she wanted me there.

  “How was the surf today?” Kiana asked Kapena.

  “Good. Had a good lesson.”

  “Who are you working with?”

  “New guy. Just moved here. Lived on Maui for a while but never had time to surf. He’s retired and decided to take up surfing.”

  Kiana nodded, and silence fell over the table. Forks scraped plates, ocean smashed the shore, and I swore I heard a pin drop three houses away.

  “When will you have the pictures done for last weekend’s wedding?” Kiana finally asked me, breaking the silence.

  “I’m done with the wedding photos. The bride asked me to send her some pictures of her brother. I was pulling them together when Kapena knocked on my door.”

  “I didn’t realize you were doing that. I’m not so sure it’s a good idea.”

  “Seriously?”

  “I don’t know what kind of pictures they are. If they aren’t good pictures, or if they upset her, I don’t want to make her mad.”

  “She asked for them.”

  Kiana nodded. “I understand that. Let me think about it.”

  I nodded and fell silent.

  When I finished dinner, I carried my plate inside, grabbed another beer, and headed back to my room. Kiana might not want the bride to have the pictures of her brother, but I’d find a way to get them to her.

  Even if it risked pissing Kiana off even more.

  The bride probably didn’t have much else of her brother. She looked so happy when I said I’d send her pictures. One way or another, I’d get her the pictures I had.

  I searched through photos for good ones of Alvarez. I had at least twenty shots of him laughing or smiling. A few with him in the field, looking bad-ass. I kept scanning through shots until I ended up on the later pictures. Ones that had Carrington.

  I wanted to flip away. To close the shots and pretend it never happened. But something on the screen held me. I couldn’t look away. I studied the photo, trying to remember and trying to forget.

  My brain played everything as though it was happening again. I knew it wasn’t real, but when the screen filled with Carrington’s screaming face, the cold sweat that covered my body was. He was pissed that I kept shooting pictures.

  Seconds before he got hit.

  My nose filled with the putrid scent of smoke. Blood rushed through my ears, telling me I was there. That the pounding I heard was real. That the way my heart raced was necessary.

  Adrenaline pumped through me as I stared at the screen, wondering what to do. I clicked, trying to drag myself out of the past. A new image appeared. Fire. Wreckage. Bullets sparking the air.

  “E kuʻu akua. What is that?”

  It took me a few seconds to realize the voice wasn’t in my head, and that she was standing over my shoulder. Staring at my screen.

  I slapped the laptop shut and spun on her. “What are you doing in here?”

  Her eyes were focused on the computer, as though the image was still there. “I knocked. And said your name. The door was open.”

  “You didn’t think you should wait until I said something?” I barked, knowing I never would have heard her.

  “I…I’m sorry. What was that?”

  “None of your business, Kiana. You’ve made it perfectly clear that your past is off-limits. What makes you think mine isn’t?”

  I kn
ew I was being a dick, but I couldn’t help it. Everything about that time in my life, those few days, was locked in a box in my head and buried under other shit. I never let it out. I never told anyone the details, either. Ethan knew some of it but not everything. Having Kiana standing over me, those pretty brown eyes filled with such grief, absolutely killed me.

  She finally shook her head, clearing the images I assumed. There was no telling how long she’d been standing there or what else she saw.

  I needed to get away from her as quickly as possible. I couldn’t sit there and take her questions and accusing glares. Not right then. Not when I was raw with memories of things better left buried and forgotten.

  “Were you there? Did you take those pictures?”

  “What part of ‘back off’ don’t you understand?” I said, pushing to stand and storming out of my room. Jesus, the woman was running me out of the only thing I had on the island. The only place I could go and feel like I wasn’t floating aimlessly. Everything else in my life belonged to either her or her brother. I’d moved there to find peace. To find myself. To feel like I was home. And all I’d done was bounce between Kapena’s home and Kiana’s work.

  I needed to get the fuck out.

  “I’ve never seen pictures like that.”

  “And you never will,” I said. “No one will.”

  “Why not? They’re amazing. You should—”

  “No! Wherever you’re going with that, stop now. And lay off.”

  I stormed out the front door and kicked my bike on. I didn’t bother with my helmet as I backed out of the driveway and took off down the street. I couldn’t take it. The curiosity. The pity. The fear.

  She might have some romanticized view of war, but I’d been there. I wasn’t the one holding a gun, but I still had the memories. And they wouldn’t go away.

  I drove until the moon took over for the sun and the stars outnumbered the waves. I didn’t have a destination in mind. I just needed to go.

  I thought about calling Noah. Telling him everything. But it was the too early in the morning for him. It wasn’t fair to him or Tara to wake them up because I had a shit-show in my head and couldn’t get it to stop playing.

  I pulled into a strip mall and found a bar that was open. I parked and sat there, debating. Ethan kept weird hours. I could text him.

  You up?

  I didn’t have to wait long.

  At work.

  Got a minute?

  The phone rang almost instantly. Ethan’s ugly face grimaced at me, a picture I caught of him at one of our poker games right after I beat him.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Why does something have to be wrong?”

  “Are you going to tell me it isn’t?”

  I sighed. He knew too much. “No.”

  “Another flashback?”

  Ethan knew enough to know shit was fucked up if I was calling him. He had his own scars, scars that ran deep. He recognized the wounds in me and called me on them.

  “Yeah.”

  “What happened?”

  I shook my head. “Wedding over the weekend. The bride was the sister of a guy I knew. She said they came to Opposites Attract because of me.”

  “You know you’re good. What’s the problem?”

  “She wanted pictures of her brother.”

  “He’s gone?”

  I nodded. “Car accident. A year ago.”

  “Fuck.”

  “Yeah.”

  “He was there?”

  I didn’t need him to clarify. I knew what he meant. “Yeah.”

  “And you went looking for pictures,” he said, not a question. He knew what triggered the flashback.

  “Yep.”

  “Where are you?”

  “Sitting outside a bar.”

  “You going inside?”

  I inhaled deep, letting the salty air fill my lungs. “Thinking about it.”

  “You need to find a woman. Better than alcohol every time.”

  “I told you that doesn’t help. Last time I thought I could have a normal relationship, I scared her half to death. She practically ran out in her panties. And we were at her house.”

  “The right woman will make those memories disappear.”

  “Yeah, well, I need to get my shit straight before I can bring a woman into it. I’m not there. I don’t think I ever will be.”

  “None of us are. You think I was ready for Olivia to be the one in my conference room? Fuck no. It took everything in me not to lock her in my office so no man could steal her before I made her mine.”

  “She loves you.”

  “Hell yeah she does. She’s a brilliant woman.”

  I laughed.

  “Seriously. You were counting the days until you got there. What changed? It doesn’t sound like you’re enjoying it.”

  I sighed. “Fuck if I know. It’s not vacation. It’s life. I guess I thought I could outrun the shit in my head, but it came for the ride.”

  “Home isn’t a place. It’s a person. Maybe you’ll find her there. Maybe you won’t. But you can’t outrun anything. You just have to find the person who makes you want to stop running.”

  “When did you get all poetic?” I needled.

  “Call me when you’re getting laid by a woman who’ll do anything for you and who wants to please you as much as you want to please her. Shit, we have nights where we barely sleep because we’re both so into giving the other as many orgasms as possible. That’ll make you want to write a book of poetry.”

  “I don’t need to know this,” I said with a groan.

  “You’re just jealous.”

  I breathed a laugh. “Yeah, maybe I am.”

  “Any women out there who get you hard?”

  I paused for just long enough that he picked up on it. The man was like a human lie detector and fucking psychic.

  “Who is she?”

  “She’s off-limits.”

  “Fuck that. No woman is off-limits. Except mine. You touch Olivia, you’re dead.”

  “Oh, please. Married women are not my thing. If she isn’t very single, she’s not even an option for me.”

  “So, why is this one off-limits?”

  “She’s my boss.”

  “Fucking up, huh? I like it.”

  “Screw you. I’m not fucking anything. I’m living with her brother and working for her. I’m surrounded by her. I don’t know if I actually like her. She’s just the only single woman I’ve met since I’ve been here. Well, except her friend.”

  “And do you want her friend?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “Then there’s your answer,” Ethan said, as though it was just that simple. “You want your boss. Go for it.”

  “No. Not gonna happen.”

  “Why not?”

  “Never works. Plus, she can’t stand me.”

  “You fucked it up already?”

  “Probably. She kissed me and I pushed her off.”

  “What the hell’s the matter with you? If a woman wants to kiss you, you kiss her until she’s panting and begging you to make her come.”

  “I know how to take care of a woman, thank you very much.”

  Ethan snorted. “Then why are you calling me in the middle of the fucking night instead of balls deep into her?”

  “Fuck you.”

  “Or maybe that’s your problem.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.”

  “Alright, seriously. Why did you push her away?”

  “She’s my boss. I can’t go there.”

  Ethan snickered. “Every once in a while Olivia wants to be in charge. She likes to pretend she’s my boss. It’s fucking hot to have her boss me around.”

  “I don’t need to know all about your sex life,” I groaned.

  “Well, you don’t have one. I’m hoping the things I do with my sexy as fuck wife might inspire you to get your head out of your ass and realize it doesn’t matter who she
is or how you met. If you want her, and she wants you, nothing else matters.”

  I sighed, knowing I needed to tell him more so he’d understand. “I remind her of her ex.”

  “So make her forget about him. He’s an ex for a reason.”

  “He’s an asshole.”

  “You know him?”

  “I met him earlier this week. He left to work for another destination wedding company. Really pissed her off. Plus, he’s a first class POS.”

  Papers shuffled on Ethan’s side of the phone and a male voice said something. Ethan replied, but I couldn’t understand him. After a second, he was back.

  “I have a meeting in five.”

  “That early? It’s only like six am there.”

  “The business world doesn’t sleep.”

  “Was that your new assistant?”

  “Yeah. Finally got someone to replace Harley. Never thought it would take that long.”

  “Has she stopped calling you yet?”

  Ethan grumbled under his breath. “No.”

  “Does Olivia know?”

  “No. And she won’t find out either. She doesn’t need to worry about my psycho ex-employee and her obsession with me. Her number is blocked, so it doesn’t even show up in my call log. I pass the messages on to the police and let them deal with her.”

  “I still can’t believe she threatened you when you fired her.”

  “She was fucking delusional.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, well, if you were checking her out in front of Olivia, she had a reason to think you wanted her.”

  Ethan groaned. “Not my brightest move. But I never touched Harley. No matter how many times she tried to say I did.”

  “As long as Olivia trusts you, you don’t have anything to worry about.”

  “Exactly. Now, you need to man up and get your woman.”

  “She’s not my woman.”

  “Not yet. If you grow a set, she might be. I gotta go.”

  “Alright. Thanks, man.”

  “Anytime. Get some balls,” he said, then hung up on me.

  I shook my head, smiling at the phone.

  Fuck, I missed Ethan. And the rest of my friends. When I made the decision to move to Hawaii, I didn’t have that group. I didn’t have anyone except my brother, and he had Tara. By the time I left, the rest of them were as much my friends as they were his. Especially Ethan, Brady, and Graham. The four of us became closer than I ever was to Noah. Or anyone else I’d ever known.